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Love and Learn in Life, Bless Our Dying Mother
Mushrooms - P. subaeruginosa & Chocolate
by Kayesem
Citation:   Kayesem. "Love and Learn in Life, Bless Our Dying Mother: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. subaeruginosa & Chocolate (exp114351)". Erowid.org. Jun 15, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114351

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
4 cups oral Mushrooms (tea)
  T+ 0:00   oral Chocolate (liquid)
  T+ 2:20 2 cups oral Mushrooms (tea)

BODY WEIGHT: 75 kg


For some background, I have 19 years of experience with mushrooms. I had an interest in them before they crossed my path. Then, once we found each other, it was like beginning a relationship with a stranger. It was really nothing special. But I immediately recognised the hint of something of value in there. Definitely something to it, you know. I stayed engaged and over time, sought to keep returning and cultivating something deeper between us, whereas friends of mine did not seem as interested in repeated visits to such teaching places.

My interest paid off as I began to realise that actually, there was far more depth to the psilocybin experience than I could have imagined. Not only that, but it was alive. It was actively teaching me in a way that has been evolving ever since, over the course of my life.

At some point I discovered a voice, a female presence within the space. I realised that she loved me and I loved her. She defies all labels and names, always bathing in mystery. She communicates direct, meaningful and powerful messages in a gentle, telepathic and loving way. She knows me better than I know myself, and is always aware of my limits. She is receptive and attentive. If it is more than I can handle, she dials it back. If I ask for more and am ready for it, she provides. There is a quality of real-time reciprocity while tripping.

At times, it's like tidal waves of information are washing over and through me, which I visually apprehend as vast stretches of glowing golden light. The light is the medium, the carrier for this higher dimensional energy downloading into my awareness. It's in the air like a cloud of morphing and pulsing webs and intricate, finely meshing nets. At times with open eyes looking towards a plain white background, this energy appears to somehow represent love itself. It can appear like a fine, glowing, morphing translucent lattice of rounded, tulip and rose like shapes, slowly dancing in mid air, in space, in front of my eyes. It is sensual and intimate, like a cosmic strip tease. An insight into the inner workings and essential nature of reality itself... maybe. Who knows.

It can unquestionably present itself as very beautiful. Embedded in, and driven by, a deeply divine love. A kind of ultra love that contains forgiveness, acceptance, joy and peace. Kindness, compassion... all these wonderful qualities as an immediate experience that is felt to be very real and true. A kind of medicine for the soul, to heal me up until this time, and sustain me for years into the future. A quenching of my dry spiritual thirst. During such moments, tears will often stream down my face. Tears of deep appreciation, joy and gratitude for receiving such a divine blessing. A real gift from beyond.

I have wondered about the origin of the voice found inside the mushroom experience. I have had many literal discussions with it, and unlike in a dream, I can easily translate messages into plain english words and sounds. I can return to ordinary life with direct quotes from the mushroom, such as:

“Did you know that a shower is kind of like a vertical bath?”

and

“I somehow doubt that technology will ever advance far enough to save us from itself.”

Such words are characteristic of her. She is forever playful and joking around, making me laugh like no one and nothing else ever could. At times I have laughed until I cried, until I dropped to the ground and rolled around clutching my sides in pain from being hardly able to breathe. Time often seems like it has slowed down, and 10 minutes can easily feel like an hour. The frame-rate of vision can appear to increase, so that catching a pen falling from a desk seems like a trivial task, to be accomplished with patience and ease.

Some times in my life, I have tripped often. Other times, rarely. When I have been mentally unstable, I have taken breaks from all psychedelics for years.
When I have been mentally unstable, I have taken breaks from all psychedelics for years.
I have done small, light doses, large, heavy doses and everything in between. Even the occasional overdose which has caused disconcerting but temporary effects. Such as being physically unable to walk properly, due to what feels like a heavy numbness in the limbs. A paralysis. This seems to be brought on by dosing up (at high strength) too frequently. Or a paralysis plus a very unwelcome double vision, caused once by taking 25 dried grams of Subs, (Psilocybe Subaeruginosa) which are a good deal stronger than Cubensis. I could bypass the double vision when it occurred by closing my eyes and riding it out. I also couldn't walk at that point, so there was no need for open eyes at the time anyway. I have yet to experiment with microdosing, but I am guessing that the risk of paralysis would be greatly reduced, due to the size of the dosages being next to nothing.

I have of course encountered a wide spectrum of experience, from very mild to good and wonderful to terrifying and quite dark. But on the whole, the mushrooms have been, and continue to be; very kind to me. They rarely if ever turn dark or difficult without a good reason to, and without returning me to a kinder place before it's all over. And so I still love them with all my heart, and have never blamed them or used them as an excuse for anything shady in my life. The responsibility is mine to use them in a mindful and respectful manner. And being in contact with such a powerful teacher, one tends to quickly learn when things are getting out of line. My main flaws have been dosing too frequently, before I had really got a handle on storage, time for integration and my own basic existence in reality. Being homeless for instance, and frequently dosing up; it does very little to change or help the situation. It may have only compounded reality and slammed my face right into it, rather than been the escape I was probably grasping for.

On the brighter sides, mushrooms have given me bursts of energy and hope which has lasted months and years. This has helped see me through many dark times in my life. They have healed me on many levels and shown me endless arrays of incredible things. The visions, my god they are stunning and exquisite. Both open and closed eye visuals have always been second to none. For the most beautiful, wondrous and enchanting sights I have witnessed in this lifetime, I give full credit to the mushrooms. My friends.

They blend well with the ketogenic state and compliment it nicely. They may have even subtly led me to it, with both states being largely defined by a nuanced and sublime euphoria. I often feel connected to what I am seeing, enchanted by a certain degree of interaction with immaterial things. The sensations of inner feeling and inner or outer sight become merged somewhat, and are no longer distinct processes. I am sure that my empathy increases in both acute and longer lasting ways. Synesthesia does occur also. Often I can perceive sounds visually, in deeper areas of my minds eye. As someone who writes music and occasionally creates visual artwork, I find that beholding this is like inspirational rocket fuel for my creativity. It is simply brilliant and amazing to observe in action, an absolute wonder of the natural world. And perhaps, it seems, even other worlds beyond. The is certainly an opening up to the multi-dimensionality of life.

Many times, I have been watching an amazing, unfolding, living pattern of colour and light before my closed eyes, wrapped in darkness, 3rd eye buzzing, then opened my eyes with a soft focus and seen the same pattern carried over seamlessly into the physical space, wrapped in light. This has appeared and felt like the most natural thing in the world, and for me carried with it the sense that everything was right and in order. I was in the right place. Similar to some deja vu experiences, but more subtle and spread out.

This is a good moment to bring up ayahuasca as a comparison, and as an influential mechanism of some kind. I had a good handful of ayahuasca experiences several years ago, following an extended break from psychedelics.

Something I observed early on was that aya visions do not follow these same rules. If I allowed a vision to form with closed eyes and I did not like it, I could open my eyes and immediately it would vanish. Conversely, if I went into an expanding and evolving vision with open eyes, it would suddenly cease if I closed my eyes, whether I wanted it to or not.

So that took getting used to. It was like a macho-meter of some kind, like the extent of my bravery would be tested by this function. Ayahuasca was tough medicine that frequently kicked my face in. I was so often sailing through dark places that I did not really want to be. Would I bail out of them or stay the course? Should I practice acceptance, or was this really some meaningless, dark energy that could fuck me up if I allowed myself to pass by too closely?

Which leads me to my next point of contention and difference between aya and the mushroom. Ayahuasca was ambiguous in communication style. Sure, there were visions, yet they were often unreliable, as in, sometimes they simply would not be there, and I would be left riding the feeling alone. But even when they were there, it was anyone's guess what they were all about, if anything. They seemed incredibly alien to me, far more alien than the mushrooms, which is really saying something. They were also more difficult to come by, more enveloped in shade and darkness and built out of a soft, muted colour range. Even bright and intense colours seemed toned down somehow. Often further off in the distance, hanging in space. There was so often an element of abstraction, rather than a feeling of understanding.

The thing that really bugged me was this: She was quiet. I can still not even tell for sure or confirm for myself that ayahuasca is female. I assume that she is, because that is what I am told and what makes the most sense intuitively. But I do not know this from my interactions, because she has been silent with me. The silent treatment.

After being used to the wonderful and outrageous ravings of psilocybin, this was a disappointing shock to me. For someone seeking guidance and a holding hand, I felt and still feel quite let down by this. Especially given that other people report being clearly guided, shown and told things, spoken to and loved by ayahuasca. Perhaps this will change for me in the future.

Now, I had icaros playing during aya to help form a ceremonial container. I would guess that maybe this could interfere with my inner hearing, except that this is the normal, traditional approach. Icaros are highly recommended and indeed I really get into them. They help pull me through. I have not heard of sound being a blockage, but more the opposite. My own experiments seemed to show that the songs would drive the visions and cause them to flow and transform more quickly. Silence would yield a much slower moving field of energy to bear witness to. And it did often feel like a witnessing of indifferent visions, rather than a heartfelt connectedness to what was being seen.

Following all of this, I had another break. Severe depression was mildly lifted during the ayahuasca afterglows which seem to last for 2 weeks, but after it was all said and done, the medicine did not heal my depression like I had hoped and heard that it might. I still feel like it was worthwhile, but it was by no means going to heal me in that way.

I have since discovered the root cause of both my depression and anxiety to have been malnutrition brought on by being raised on a mostly vegetarian diet. Since including large amounts of red meat and living on a strictly ketogenic diet, I have put those illnesses into complete remission which is ongoing. Therein lies the sad irony, the recommended diet for ayahuasca preparation and experience is very similar to that which has created so many problems in the first place. I followed the recommendations closely and to my own detriment. I simply did not know any better at that stage in my life.

Ever since taking ayahuasca, for better or worse, it has changed my future mushroom experiences, causing them to become more aya-like. This is not exactly surprising, as the journeys were already changing and evolving naturally as the years went by. I already knew that simply researching the effects of DMT was enough to catalyse new dimensions of experience to unfold within the psilocybin space.

I had continued being on break from all things sacred for many months after my ayahuasca introductions. After some time, I experimented with diet and discovered something that actually healed me and worked. Just that it was hidden in the opposite direction of what I considered to be healthy. I went keto for a few months, then to carnivore where I felt the best and have remained for 16 months now. During this previous year, my energy, confidence and stamina increased. With my rediscovered feeling of well being, I started getting out of the house more to go out to clubs and catch the waves of some heavy metal, which I loved as a young fella, long before electronic music.

So I have gone out to a show about once a month. I figured; why not go out on mushrooms? I had them there, ready to go. Most nights run for about 6 hours, so they are the perfect length to wrap an experience around. As it turned out, metal and mushrooms have been an unbelievable and amazing combination. 90% positive, although I did have it turn on me one night when some character on stage asked the crowd to join him for a satanic ritual. That was too much and it threw me for a solid few hours. I had to leave that place right away, and it was a good lesson in intuition, which had been urging me to go for some time.

Things were pretty heavy dosage wise and alternating between no visions at all, and incredible, amazing, almost electrically intense visions to the point where I was like wow, I'm really doing some work here, and I might just dial back the dosage by 50% next time.

The reason I bring this up is that the nature of what I was now seeing at these events was suddenly very much like ayahuasca on steroids. The visions would also now disappear entirely if I opened my eyes midway through one, just like with aya.

And the kicker is that the mushroom had also fallen silent. During these nights out, I could no longer hear the voice of the mushroom talking with me. Now again, this could have been due to the loud music and crowded environment, but I am not so sure. I think somehow that my past ayahuasca journeys had changed something in me. In any case, I really do pray that this voice attenuation effect is not permanent.

I soon began adding 80 – 100 mg of syrian rue extract to my doses for some MAO inhibition to stretch things out a little. So technically, I think I was doing a psilohuasca brew, rather than straight mushrooms. Maybe this causes enhancements in some directions like intensity and duration, at the expense of usual phenomenons in other directions, like the voice and the visual continuity.

It was still largely very nice and worthwhile to do. I mean, I met some cool people and I had some life changing and really full on nights, but I dearly missed the telepathic voice which had reached out and touched me so deeply throughout my life. I felt a little guilty for being away for so many years, then coming back to visit but only within crowded, loud environments. On the other hand, it felt really good to be back in touch, and more often than not turned out to be exactly what I felt I needed at that time. With eyes open, there would be minimal visual interference, and at times it did feel as if I was directed to keep my eyes open for most of night for my own survival and protection. On the dancefloor, I always tried to avoid the pit at all costs, but with my eyes closed, sometimes it would expand up to the point where I was, or slowly form around me when before there was free space.

Moshpits are violent places and something I seek to avoid. I have witnessed people getting some rather severe injuries in there and I want no part of that mess. I prefer to dance and move my body with my eyes closed and just get into it.

Anyway, I had this notion that yes, I am sure that she (the voice) must still be in there. Maybe she was doing me a solid by not distracting me from the dangerous environments in which I was floating around in a psychedelic blitz. But I knew I needed to check in properly. At home, in relative silent darkness, at a high dose. Two very different sets or at least settings. I didn't know which one I was more afraid of. They both have their ups and downs I suppose.

So, when all the clubs across my county have suddenly closed down for a while due to a pandemic, what better time to turn in? I decided to clear out some of the older batches of magic in storage from previous seasons.

I go hunting and collect what I can, then extract the goodness into water which I then filter, freeze and store for use when I feel called to it throughout the coming year/s. I had a couple older batches tucked away, and knew only that they were made quite weak, with the original ratio of water to mushrooms being too high.

So, I defrosted the lot, which was in 5 x 1 litre bottles. I then threw that in a pot on the stove at low heat for 4 hours, reducing it to just over 2 litres, intending to more than double the potency. I had been on the internet during the day, waiting for night fall to dose up. I used to make a mean magic coffee, but I no longer drink that, so these days I make hot chocolates for such occasions. Both coffee and chocolate do a great job of making a magic drink bearable and even borderline nice. It's like candy compared to ayahuasca, but it still does take some effort to drink.

Anyway, today's the day. I finish one small cup, 200 ml, at 6:20 pm. Then I keep making and drinking more. I know from experience what a good dose feels like and there is a definite moment when my body says: OK, enough. Very similar to eating food until I naturally stop eating and it no longer seems interesting.

With a strong brew, this would normally be one large 250 ml cup. I would get ½ to ¾ the way through drinking it and simply have to put it down for later, as I could feel the level in my body in relation to how it would affect me later on. High strength is definitely the preference. There has never been any need to force anything down beyond this, and never any vomiting, though raw whole mushrooms do trigger my gag reflex. I find extracting into water to result in a cleaner and more powerful, more complete experience compared to dried powder. With practice, it is easy to gauge the strength and how much to drink simply by the taste, texture and feeling that the chosen beverage induces. Drying reduces the potency and is less efficient, and somehow often feels like it's missing something, though that could well be subjective. Getting feedback related to the strength of a dried dose also takes a lot of waiting around.

So to continue, by 7:00 pm, 40 minutes later, I was at that point of contentment with my dosage. I had made my 4th small cup of hot magic chocolate and was recognising that feeling. Being content to just barely sip away at it, then put it down and feel queasy at the thought (or action) of consuming any more.

My intentions were a few simple things. To check in, properly, at home, potentially in silent darkness. And very hopefully to say hi, and actually converse once again with the voice of the mushrooms.

Is she god? Is she a kind of goddess? Is she our Mother Earth? Is she a space alien? Is she my own soul reflected back as a girlfriend in hyperspace?

I don't know. I just know that I miss her and want to talk with her again. About anything. But if it comes up, there is a specific area I would like to know about. And that is love. I have been feeling distant from it lately, and often look back in areas and times of my life when I have interacted with girls and been presented with the opportunity to connect with them lovingly, yet turned away from that. I often freaked out, losing all semblance of confidence and ran the other way. Sometimes quite literally.

I can not tell if there is any real pattern. But it has happened enough times that I wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. Or something happened in the way I was raised that caused this behaviour. Or some clue as to how I could come to terms with this and find a way to be OK with it. To accept it and not blame myself. To move on and not have to keep going over it in my mind when it comes up. I guess to help be OK with my current life situation where I am very much alone and have been for so long. To be more at peace with that is always something I aim towards. To prefer the situation I find myself in.

So, the feeling of a missing female component in my life. I have relied on mushrooms in the past to help me through this, and emerged feeling loved and refreshed. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me and nothing to fix, but just a new perspective on things would be enough to feel OK.

If I could meditate on that and maybe tinker with some of the circuits in my soul, I am sure I could improve my overall levels of peace in this world.

Seemingly unrelated, during this same day I had finished watching the last episodes of a new and very trippy cartoon (The Midnight Gospel) made with audio from Duncan Trussell's podcasts. It was really good. Especially the final episode with his mother. She has such an amazing, soft, angelic voice and is such a pleasure to listen to. But the site I had been viewing it on was glitchy and buffering way too little, which ruined the flow of things. I could tell there was something moving in there though, something actually genuine and real that was worth looking into.

So I found the audio from the podcast it was created from, plus a second part, and downloaded both of them late in the afternoon. I then felt inclined to start listening to them as I began to dose up on my magic for the evening. I was like; Hey, I can retreat into silence at any time and shut all of this down once things kick in, but for now, I feel like listening to this.

And so I did listen. And I felt good about it.

This was not the plan, but fuck the plan. This is too good. I sit in the big comfy armchair in my studio, in the dark, with just the glow of the computer screen and this audio playing through my studio monitors. So often there is a flowing quality to a mushroom journey that yields better ideas than I do before take off.
So often there is a flowing quality to a mushroom journey that yields better ideas than I do before take off.
I find that it often helps a lot to simply go with it. If I had other ideas, forget them. They are of no use to me now... because things are different now that my state of mind is actually out and about.

I might have spent hours crafting the perfect music selection to journey with, only to find that once I get out into the space, my musical taste has suddenly shifted into a completely different direction than I anticipated.

In this instance, although I was leaning towards silence, this sound turned out to be the perfect thing. I sat and listened and was swept away into this deep conversation between a man, Duncan, and his mother, Deneen. She was dying of metastatic breast cancer and giving her son a metaphysical download of information and ideas gathered from a lifetime of psychological and spiritual insights. All in the most loving, kind and gentle way. They were both coming to terms with death and dying and ended up sharing these incredible, powerful moments together. They cried, and I cried.

And that is essentially, I think, what I needed most. To simply cry and sob, like a healthy grown man should naturally do now and then. I was moved by ideas. By what it is to be human, to look and be aware of what we go through in life and death. To go along with two beings and feel what they felt in those moments. To experience it as if it were my own family, my own life, my own mother and her own death. And simultaneously looking at it from the safe distance of something happening to others, and not applying to me right now. Although knowing that it would one day apply to me, and to everyone alive today. Because that's life, that's how it works. It's just the way it is.

I sat and listened to this for an hour and 40 minutes. My eyes closed for much of that time. Then a closing song played and a flood of my own tears broke free. It was such a powerful thing, and it felt good not to resist it, but to allow it and experience it fully. Mushrooms have always been very generous to the experience of crying and letting out the tears. This was no exception.

I then listened to several of my own downtempo electronic music tracks that I wrote many years ago to help get me through dark times, relationships, breakups and so on. I had some mild jagged thorny patterned visions in my minds eye and was reminded of icaros. I saw that modern trance music really is our culture's grasping to revive something ancient and lost. It really is a neo-shamanism of sorts. A term that I dislike yet I don't have a better one for it. It's a magical technique for the energetic healing of groups of people. An awe and reverence inspiring thing.

I also saw that the darkness in this music was a near perfect expression of emotion, and that it heals. Not by running away, but by going through the very things that are haunting us, so that we can give them a voice and release them. The intention is to clear away the bad, not to highlight it, enhance it or use it to attack. At least within my own music that ends up this way. It's just something that wants to be expressed. And I see most other music that I enjoy in a similar way. Such as heavy metal, for the most part, I feel like it clears negativity away, rather than inflicts it. I work through it and come out cleansed and stronger for it. There is an element of sacred work to it. Not always easy, but very much worth doing.

After hearing and feeling a few chilled out beats, I got up and wandered around. I danced a little bit. Both felt good to do, like always. Simply walking around on mushrooms is a joyous experience. It feels so floaty, spacious and lighthearted. There is a real casual swing and a cool vibe to it. I mostly felt content to relax at this point. I went and found a sip of cool, pure water. I held it in my mouth and enjoyed the feeling of it. Something about it was oh so nice, and I was amused at my desire for, and satisfaction with, just one sip.

At around 8:40 pm, after part 1 of the podcast and a short music break, I made 2 more cups of magic. I felt like I was ever so slightly nearing the end of the peak. I did feel like extending it somewhat, and so it was good timing to do that. With the second cup in hand, I went and sat and listened to part 2 of the podcast. I was just loving the conversation and doing my best to listen intently. Yet again, I cried a small stream at the end of it. When Duncan asked Deneen if she had anything else to say to anyone out there listening?

Wow. That hit me so dam hard. It was like somehow I knew she was going to deliver, and it was like she knew on some level also, exactly she was doing. She delivered this very loud and clear, simple message that just burned right into my soul and was somehow perfect. I replayed it several times in awe and wonder, floored with gratitude and awash with tears.

Then there was another closing song played which I did not find all that great, but I did give it a listen anyway. Afterwards I played something lighter of my own to close out my own journey for the night. I looked back over my life and saw the value in entering into sacred spaces, journeying through what is dark and difficult, then coming out into what is light again to close the experience. There is a lot of wisdom in that. Like a cosmic container to keep wild things neat and tidy in. So I finished up with some harmonics that lightened things up just enough to feel nice and chilled.

I went and made 2 strong cups of Chamomile tea at around 10:40 pm. With the first one, I went out to the front porch and stared out into the cool night. It was gently raining and peaceful outside. I thanked myself for not smoking or vaping. The night also marked 6 weeks free from vaping, so I noted that and was pleased about it. One less trap to be stuck in.

The trees across the street glimmered and shimmered slightly. I stood still, sipping tea and looking with a lazy, soft focus. The dull blue-ish green colours seemed to coalesce slightly. Enough to remind me of previous trips and eyes-open visions. Pictures of reality where I notice what is normally obscured and filtered out. Hidden away out of necessity for survival, at the expense of being aware of the endless presence of god. Or something.

Life is an eternal moment. And it can be seen that way. Reality as I know it is provisional, and can be swapped out seamlessly with something more real, that also seems paradoxically more dreamlike. Shiny 2D surfaces where there were none before seem to meld and join across nature, hinting at spaces just shy of them. Spaces delicately hidden behind this glittering scenery, which stretch all the way out to infinity. Distinct objects seem like they melt into one inclusive, radiant energy which is alive and aware. It sparkles and dances with sublime movement and vast mystery.

I can understand why some folks lose their mind and can't handle their psychedelic experiences. I am not above them, and have had my fair share of freak-outs. I am thankful as always, that this is not one of those moments for me. My expanded perception is super chilled and barely there. Mostly just gentle reminders brought about by the feeling.

And this is the core of my experience for the night.

Feeling.

I feel the mushrooms very much. Since kicking in, they give me this familiar, loaded-on-shrooms inner feeling, which is very physical and permeates my entire body.

I feel hugged, on a cellular level. Like trillions of tiny, inner galactic hugs are being given to me for several hours, and it is very relaxing and appreciated.

With open eyes, space is easily navigable and there is nothing much to be found floating in mid air tonight. Just a general brightening of the atmosphere . A glow and a warm sense of presence in all areas and directions. Initial visions with closed eyes seem to never have taken off. They started out very obscure, vague, blocky and dull. There is very little movement or evolution. Later on, only hints at certain shapes, patterns, colours and features. But no breaking through into full on vision sequences or cascades.

And I am OK with that. It was a lesson from ayahuasca, not to be obsessed with chasing visions. They either come in, or they don't. And it applies equally to other medicines I think. I have experienced such a vast array of visions in the past, that it more than makes up for any blank areas in the future. Also, the voice never came in. I had occasional moments of silence and 4 or 5 bathrooms breaks to pee. In those times I again was like, Uh, Hello? Are you there? I mean I know you are, but where? I can't hear you. Hello?

Nothing.

But again, I am OK with that. Maybe another time, with a different batch and a better, stronger dose. This particular magic required 5 or 6 times the amount of liquid to be consumed, compared to the way I usually have it. So it was far from ideal. Instead of 1 cup now and maybe half a cup 2 hours later, it was 4 cups now with another 2 cups later.

This time, my journey gave rise to a message delivered by unexpected means, but somehow appropriate and well received none the less. I still can't really say much about it, other than how I found it helpful. It helped me to release something I didn't even know I had stored up in me. Mushrooms always lend themselves well to a good cry, but this was like a double hit of it, given the dialogue and setting. It reminds me of watching Team America for the first time, while being well and truly loaded up on magic. I laughed and cried beyond reasonable belief, it was incredibly therapeutic, to say the least. As such, these are some very special moments that I will always remember.

A couple little coincidences to do with this:

I had been online and tuning in to some live streams each weekend for 4 weeks leading up to this. They were put together by Dennis McKenna in honour of his brother Terence, who passed away on April 3rd 2000. Turns out Deneen, Duncan's mother, had also passed on that same date, April 3rd, but in 2013. I have a 2 year old niece who was born on that date as well.

There was a live stream in the morning preceding this mushroom trip, with the theme of honouring the sacred mushrooms. I found that to be a good and welcome sign, and it helped ease me into the experience and dedicate myself to it, rather than search for excuses to delay it or whatever. I guess even after all these years, there is some trepidation and it's still no walk in the park for me to dose up. Apparently, that is a reliable indicator that I am doing it right.

There was also clearly a moment during the first surges of it all coming on strong. I was just sitting there all braced yet relaxed and soaking all it in for ages. I happened to glance down and see that only around 10 minutes had passed since I last noted the time, yet during that moment I felt like at least an hour had gone by. Is that called a time dilation? Something like that, I suppose. It was a rather pleasant sensation in any case. Like wow, things are happening!

I eventually climbed into bed around midnight. The chamomile tea helped pull me into a drowsy, 'had enough of today' kind of state, without being too rude or heavy handed about it. I drifted off to sleep within an hour or so.

In the morning, I had a lucid dream that was cut short by becoming aware that my physical body was overheating due to going sleeping with my clothes still on. Woops. Oh well. These things happen.

Mushrooms seem very friendly towards memory and dreams, unlike cannabis or alcohol, and I really appreciate that. I got up, felt fine and well rested. I made brekky and chilled out around the house, writing some notes in my journal.

Around early afternoon, of course, I called my mother. She was happy to hear from me and we talked briefly about this and that. I explained to her a little about this moving experience I'd had from listening to this podcast, and I touched on what it was all about. She was interested in learning more and so I said I would send her some links later on, which I did.

I told her “So anyway, I just thought I should call and say Hi, and, I love you.”

She said “Aw, that's sweet. I love you too.”

Exp Year: 2020ExpID: 114351
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 34 
Published: Jun 15, 2020Views: 638
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Mushrooms - P. subaeruginosa (123) : Alone (16), Entities / Beings (37), Music Discussion (22), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3), General (1)

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