DOSE:	2 g	oral	Mushrooms
		oral	Ginger	(edible / food)
		oral	Ginger	(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

70 kg

Mushrooms as a Personal Depression Treatment

I wanted to write about this for a long time but never really found the motivation to do so.

Pretty much before the trip my life was determined by depression and supressing thoughts and feelings with weed. It worked, pretty long. For about a year I was able to live with the demon in me.

Beside the depression and anxiety, I have a pretty stable mind. I never showed how I really felt. At work I laughed, made fun just as I was used to the last 5-6 years. Being happy so no one wonders what's up with you and no one asks so I don't need to talk. Wandering around with a mask.

I knew that the depression came from thoughts about how useless I felt. I always thought how the world would look like if I am just gone. Nothing would change. At least this is what my mind persuaded me to believe.

However at the end of 2019 I panicked. The anxiety in me rose to a level where I wasn't able to be together with people in one room. I couldn't stand having contact with anyone at this point. It wasn't even possible to have an initmate relationship with someone. I met a very cute and lovely girl via Tinder in December. We connected, she fell in love with me. As I knew that I can't offer what she is searching for, I ended the relationship for the better of us two.

For Christmas I visited my parents, but weren't able to stay till 26.12. I drove home. What followed were two rough months where slowly colleagues and friends noticed a big change in me.

This is where I decided that it can't go any longer like this. As I wasn't someone that spoke about or showed much feelings, I also weren't able to talk about myself with someone else or even a psychotherapist. However I made the decision to tell everyone I kind of felt sorry for, for seeing me like this, what's up with me. Some understood, some wanted to help. However I told them that I am on it, when I need help I will reach out. If you read this, please let people know that think you are important to them - even though you might not know why.

As I always wanted to try psychedelic substances, I decided why not try the most natural one which was already used for depression treatment and was also an important asset milleniums ago. I asked my plug and I got 2g of dried Golden Teacher.

I prepared myself for the experience for a full week and took some days off prior and post. I read everything I could find to be as best as prepared as I could be. This is where I heard something important from Terence McKenna that you need to ingest a sufficient amount of Psilocybin, otherwise your ego and anxiety could cause a bad trip which keeps you from connecting to your inner self.

= The Trip
So at the end of January it was finally time. I somehow managed to be in a somewhat positive mindset and setting. I took them at home, alone with some ginger and ginger tea. They tasted like grandma's armpits.

At first I thought it might be a good idea to watch "Our Planet". However as soon as I ate the mushrooms I became nervous. Thus I decided to sit in my Ikea luffing chair, enjoy the sounds of the music and watching the sky. For the entire trip I heard Shpongle - especially Hammock Therapy touched me.

I sat there for like an hour and I expected every moment for the clouds to do something.

Let me tell you, it weren't the clouds. The roof tiles of the house on the other side began to dance, swirl and rotate. My chin fell to the floor as I was amazed by this wonderful and beautiful scenery. I felt sincerly happy and I forgot every bad moment before that lead this very moment. Shortly after I closed my eyes just to experience the most wonderful colors and CEVs to this very day. However this soon changed.

As I looked down on my legs, eyes still closed, a bright, very bright, orange light came up in my mind/my inner self. It was already dark outside and winter, so there was no bright sun as we are used to in Germany in summer. So I knew that this orange came from me.

Observing this color, it changed to green, back to orange and then stayed orange. After a while, I began to see a movie right in front of my eyes. What I saw:

I sat on a chair. Still, not moving. However every person of my life that meant even the slightest to me stood around me. As suddenly everyone reached out for my cheeks to begin to brush over them. Softly, as if everyone wanted to say "I love you" and I felt this love.

Feeling this new thing in myself, being loved and seeing that I am important to others was so overwhelming that I began to cry my eyes out. I mostly cried as I felt sorry for even thinking about ending it all and causing grief for people that actually meant something to me, even though it wasn't as obvious for me before. At this moment all kind of emotions, thoughts and pictures rushed through my mind. I must have cried for like half an hour at least as I knew that at one point there weren't coming any more tears as if I cried myself empty.

I decided to open my eyes again, everything had a blue-ish/green tint. As when you close your eyes and stare for a long time into the sun - only that the sun existed this time in myself.

Still overwhelmed I moved to my couch, laid flat down with two blankets above me to cover me fully. And to not be able to see any light. I closed my eyes again and laid there for the entire rest of the trip.

This is where the fun part began. It was as if I have really overcame my depression in just 1-2 hours and I wanted to finally have some fun.

I can't remember much. Only that it felt like rushing through a corridor which looked like the matrix, mixed with the game Audiosurf and strange symbols. In the middle of the tunnel was some kind of entity which I was able to ask any question that popped to my mind. At some point I wasn't even in my body anymore. I was out there, in what I would describe as hyperspace. Just my spirit - floating and flying around.

After the effects slowly began to dimish. I sat up, looked around and was like reborn. After this it felt like that my new life can begin and I still feel that today. I had no visual effects, but clearly mind effects.

I prepared some food after as I was fasting the entire day and the day prior. As I was preparing food, it felt like I could feel that salami I put on my pizza didn't wanted to get eaten and I felt sorry for it.

While eating I was watching Rick and Morty and I never laughed this much and sincere about this show. I noticed that I got definitely more giggly and had a deeper sence for humor.

Finished eating I felt like going outside. I did and went to a park nearby. Everyone that I passed on the way must have been thinking "What the fuck, why is he grinning the whole time?" as I had the strange urge to connect with everyone that walked by.

In the park I stood next to a small pond where some swans where swimming in. I even felt connected with the damn swans and even grinning more about this fact. As it got colder I went home and went straight to bed.

The feelings and effects were there the next day and the entire week. I was glad that I took some days off as otherwise I would have gone to work and would have the urge to hug everyone.

= Aftereffects
Afterwards I began what I already read about. Processing the entire trip, what I have learned and what I can change. To this very day - 3 months after - I still have every positive effect of this trip.

I constantly challenge myself, my beliefs, my decisions, everything.
I turned a lot of things upside down in my life.
I can finally talk about all my feelings with everyone that cares, without any anxiety.
I learned to be much more emphatic with everyone.
I started to listed more carefully to what others say.
I started to be happy over the smallest things.
When someone's happy, I am instantly as happy as the person.
Seeing a kid smile or grin at, I am instantly happy.
Even my stance on children changed completely in the meantime as I was sure that I will never "want" any.
And a lot of more things that became just me over the course of the followed months.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114361
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: May 12, 2020	Views: 1,011
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Mushrooms (39) : Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Alone (16)