Citation: Trie. "Become Pneuma: An Experience with Mushrooms (sclerotia) & Cannabis (exp114845)". Erowid.org. Oct 19, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114845
Become Pneuma ----
At the time of this trip, I was on vacation in the Netherlands with a few friends. During the journey, I tripped three times on psychedelic truffles, this experience being the third and last time. The first trip was a small dose mainly to test the waters and check the new substance. For the second trip, I took a pretty large dose resulting in a rather difficult experience, focusing a lot on interpersonal issues (mainly because of problems with set and settings). However, I didn't wanna go home from the vacation with that 'stale taste in my mouth'. After some talking with my peers, I got the negative energy out of my system, so I decided to trip one last time. Since my second trip was two days before this experience, and I'd also consumed a substantial amount of marihuana in the meantime, my tolerance was definitely increased. However, I don't consume psychedelics and weed regularly, so this was more of a smaller temporary tolerance. For some more data-points: I'm male, at the time of the experience twenty years old, and weigh around 50 kilograms with a small and slender stature. I also did not take any medications within the last weeks of the trip. At the time of this experience, I'd also had collected various encounters with psychedelic substances. Examples are marihuana, psilocybin mushrooms, and truffles.
Intake / ~6pm (T+0)
We (4 people) planned on going to the city later that evening. It was around 6pm when I took the first dose in our hotel apartment together with one of my friends. Initially, I took around 10 grams of psychedelic truffles available from a local smartshop. They were from the type 'Psilocybe Tampelandia/High Hawaiians', which are generally sold as some of the strongest truffles available. Two of us took magic truffles while the other two friends resorted to only consuming cannabis this evening and acting as trip sitters.
Along with testing the substance the days before and getting the negative energies out by talking things over, the trip sitters were part of our preparation this evening. All these factors definitely contributed to me being in a way calmer state of mind this time. For record-keeping, I mostly used pictures and timestamps, along with subjective notes I've taken the day after the trip. During the day before ingestion, we mainly explored the city with its various shops and localities. We've also visited countless coffeeshops and consumed cannabis, mostly in smoked and vaped form. The mood was nice and friendly, and the weather was sunny, albeit a cold breeze made warm clothes necessary. I only had a light lunch and refrained from eating anything several hours before the trip.
Freshly opened, those psilocybin truffles taste pretty okay. A bit nutty even so not unpleasant. However, once they're a day old, those must be some of the worst things I've ever eaten. Even worse than regular psilocybin mushrooms. They tasted very sour and weird. I get phantom smells just thinking about them. I jokingly mentioned how "They taste that bad because they shouldn't be eaten..." Then downed the first dose with some soda, swallowing them whole. Usually, I'd prefer to chew them, but I just couldn't manage it at this time. The taste was just too appalling for me. Afterwards, I packed the rest of the truffles, some soda, and essentials like headphones and a warm hoodie. Then we headed out.
Onset / ~6:30pm (T+0.5h)
Our hotel was located a bit outside the city close to a big park. We decided to stop by during the onset. Walking there, after a couple of minutes, I noticed the first effects. The colors, especially green seemed incredibly saturated - it's usually the first thing I notice when consuming psychedelics. I felt awesome! Deeply excited about the trip and the entertaining evening following, I was grinning ear to ear. Slowly the well known tingling sensation in my fingertips crept in and started to move it's way up to my arms and shoulders. The body load on psilocin always feels like a mix of sore muscles and stiff neck for me, not too unpleasant though. That sensation feels like it makes sure I don't move too fast and appreciate things the slow way.
In the park was a cozy spot with a skate ramp that I wanted to visit. However, it was already occupied by a group of skaters. A bit further away, we found a beautiful pier leading to a small lake. I sat on it, being all fascinated about the way the tiny waves were tingling on the surface. Wondering if I was already peaking, I double-checked, but those patterns were real, which made them even more astonishing.
Deciding to go all in, my friend and I took the remains of the truffles (Redose ~ 6:40 (T+0.7h) / I had about 5 additional grams). This time, however, I decided to chew them so they'd kick in faster. It got me gagging at first, but a quick flush with some soda and the anticipation of the coming trip made that feeling vanish soon. After marveling at the lake for a couple of minutes, we decided to head into the city. The body load was very well defined at this point, and the colors had a noticeably psychedelic quality to it. Just for fun, I tried on polarized sunglasses to see if they would enhance the colors even more. Unfortunately, they did not. Everything just looked too blue and brown for me to enjoy. Reality is beautiful enough on its own. After stepping into the tram, my tripping friend noticed they forgot their headphones at home. I shared one of mine with them and put one some jazz/lo-fi tracks to calm the nerves. One of my favorite tripping recommendations is 'A remark you made' by 'Wheater Report'. The arrangement is not only soothing but has something ethereal to it, which plays nicely with psychedelic experiences.
After around twenty minutes, we arrived at our destination - a coffeeshop we desperately wanted to try out. It was central and nicely decorated. Once inside, I got some joints, nachos with cheese, and hot chocolate. I smoked some and started to eat. Let me say the food probably was the most appetizing I ever ate. Imagine the enhanced colors of the mushrooms together with the munchies of the marihuana paired with hot nachos and freshly made sauces. Everything looked golden, red, green and the taste was phenomenal - I could feel all the different textures in all their details in my mouth. One of my friends bought a moonrock, which is a smokable cannabis product with strong THC content. They used a mechanical vaporizer to smoke it, which I got to try a few hits from. The moonrocks definitely had a pleasant taste to it and seemed to kick in fast. Shortly after, the mentioned friend got sleepy and left back to the apartment so they could relax a bit. Now we were three persons left, two having consumed truffles and one having consumed cannabis alone. I still didn't feel much more than enhanced senses at that time. Unsure if my tolerance was already too high for any real effects or if they'd kick in that late because I swallowed most of them whole, I decided to just go with it. At least the colors are nice, right? And I consumed more weed even though I was aware that cannabis should potentiate the strength of a trip immensely...and oh boy, it did. As I felt the natural urges, I went to the bathroom real quick. As I was sitting there and staring at the floor, it suddenly was there.
Peak / ~7:30pm (T+1.5h)
Symmetric patterns were overlaying the floor tiles. I first only gently noticed them, but after looking at my hands (my reality check to see if I'm tripping, they always look weird on trips) I most certainly felt the full effects. As I returned from the bathroom, I noticed that everything had this kinda vibe to it. As if I stepped into a completely different coffeeshop, somewhere deep in the psychedelic realm. I sat back down and looked at the wooden wall. The wood had a fascinating marbling where I recognized a lot of different figures. "A dragon!" I said and pointed to a specific crease in the wood. My friends instantly recognized it. The following castle and weird-looking aliens weren't met with as much comprehension though. I giggled and enjoyed the wooden story playing out in front of my eyes. A while later, I turned away and gazed at the ceiling. It was decorated with colorful glowing garlands in all different kinds of colors. Not tacky ones like you would find in a Christmas store but actual nice looking ones. One of them was blue with white LEDs that were slowly pulsating - "Almost like a star!" I thought while getting sunken into them. One thing I notice with psychedelics is that they enable me to submerge in various matters. Getting lost in a feeling, object, scene, music, etc... The more you take, the more layers you sink into it. On lower doses, things look flashy and fancy to me, while on medium ones they morph and change and are overlayed with patterns. On big doses, they are usually telling me a story. The 'star' was smiling at me and blinking, almost winking at me. I got totally lost in it, staring at it blankly for several minutes. Those minutes felt like an eternity for me. That star was the only thing on my mind at that time. I was entirely and utterly focused on it.
A bit later, I snapped out of my trance and considered the whole bar scene as a whole. "I'm there again!" was a thought racing through my head. You know, 'there'. That psychedelic place/realm that I instantly recognize once I've consumed a substance but only have faint memories of once I've come down again. "Yes, I'm there." "Why are we even doing this? Now it's gonna stay like that for a long time." I analyzed in my mind. "To have an experience." I silently concluded. "It's all about the experience, so now go enjoy it." I didn't even notice my friends at this point anymore. I was already lost in my own world. The coffee shop with it's blinking chain of lights, the wooden interieur, and the big bar released some interesting associations for me. It was already dark outside, but some red neon light was shedding into the establishment. I thought about how this resembles the cantina bar from Star Wars. About how the scene feels like I'm in a 'bar' on a foreign planet. About how 'this is the only room in existence' and how 'it is a safe-spot for me to hide in'. It felt cozy but kinda isolated and far away from anything and anyone I've known. A sort of enjoyable melancholic feeling washed over me while I got lost in it, in that scenery again. At this moment, I had another association that I couldn't quite put into words, but after some reflection, I was able to sort of find it. 'Nighthawks' by Edward Hopper. I think it's the shading of the artwork, how the dinner portrays some kind of warmth in a dark place. Also, the place being isolated but still populated by a few people sitting together, while a vast emptiness awaits on the outside. It's not an unpleasant feeling, but it's hard to put in words. Kinda melancholic, a bit like a stitch in the stomach area, a portion of isolation, a tiny amount of nostalgia, and a pinch of wonder.
After about half an hour, which felt like an eternity, they changed the music from relaxing 80'ies tracks tying in nicely to the background to some fast folk sound. That change completely caught me off guard. Suddenly the whole scene seemed like a saloon in a western movie. It was a totally different vibe but a fun change. However, my friends wanted to go explore some more, so we left the premises and grabbed some fresh air. As a side note, the tolerance of my shroom taking friend apparently was too high. They didn't feel a lot during the whole trip except for some increased colors and slight 'zoning out'.
One of the fascinating visual effects of psychedelics for me is that they make me realize how 3-dimensional certain things look. Before the trip, I've never noticed certain aspects of reality, but the effects still persist after returning to a completely sober state. As an example, when walking on cobblestone pavement and the yellowish streetlight shines in a certain directed way, it creates this magical effect of every stone looking plastic. Totally fixed on the floor, I had to be cautious not to run into traffic. Luckily my 'trip sitting' friend prevented me from *certain death* (just kidding, but being thoroughly focused and pulled into a scene can get dangerous when in the busy city). :) As I gazed up into the brightly lit alley, I noticed another peculiar effect of psychedelics, how my depth perception was all over the place. The alley looked incredibly long (I get a kinda similar feeling when being on the train while on psychedelics). That alley seemed to have reached for miles and miles even though our destination was already pretty close. As we walked to the next coffee shop, I noticed something that brought me great joy. All the houses looked 2-dimensional! Especially the windows seemed like they were just painted on in a sloppy manner, which got me giggling. They looked so pretty to me, almost like in Disneyland, where the facades are designed just for your amusement. Just like in Disneyland, it seemed like those houses were designed just for me alone. To make me happy and bring me joy.
Finally, we arrived at our destination. Another nice coffeeshop. It was dimly lit but had tables outside. We sat down, smoked some hash, and I ordered a bubbly lemonade. The bubbles on my tongue felt very interesting in that state of mind. When I closed my eyes and took a sip, I felt like I was one of those bubbles floating, swirling in the wide arrays of the world. Yet it wasn't a feeling of isolation, more of a connectedness. How we all are in this together, how we all are interrelated. "Hey, you should really drink some more!" my friend mentioned. Apparently, I was still taking the same sip for minutes. "It's important to stay hydrated!" they said in a calm tone. I thanked him and took a big gulp.
There was some ivy growing over a brick wall of the opposite house. It seemed to move, swirl, expand, and cover more and more of the house as I gazed at it. As it grew and swirled, it seemed just like a friendly waving hand. Like a greeting to me. I smiled excitedly and greeted "Hello!" telepathically. At this moment, I knew that the plant and I were on the same page, just waving to each other in the game of life. On the left-hand side was a funny looking bush in a pot. It featured little white flowers - almost like they looked at me. "A friendly plant friend" I thought while I gazed at this entity, communicating with it in my mind. "How's your day? How are you feeling?" I got very emotionally invested in my botanical companion, so much that I started to talk out loud. (For everyone wondering the plant's doing fine - it really enjoyed wobbling around in the face of existence and being manifested as a bush) :) I was being gently pulled back into a more sober state of consciousness again.
For me, psychedelics feel almost like a sinus curve...periods of zoning out while being sucked in a scene, followed by periods of a clear mind. Almost like a breathing sensation. Being pulled into a scene and being pushed to a more clear state of mind again. The further I progress to the end of a trip, the faster those periods are usually alternating. Basically, while at the peak, I can get stuck into scenes for half an hour without issues while during the comedown, those might only last minutes. This observation doesn't take into consideration that time doesn't feel linear while in the psychedelic state of mind. What actually are minutes can feel like hours or even years. The way I notice the periods are getting faster is not by the measure of time, but by the number of times, I feel clear-headed again.
At this point, I felt cold. So I went to the bathroom to warm up a bit. As I got back, we smoked some more but decided to go on our way and slowly return home. After saying goodbye to my plant buddies, my friends and I went on our merry way. My buddies knew how much I can get sucked into my own world while on these substances and that I usually get pretty quiet. They didn't try to force me out of that state, which I very much appreciate. For me, there are only few things as annoying as vibing with the whole energy of the universe just to get distracted by some mundane question/task. We passed a building with large statues that looked somewhat sinister. The first thing I associated them with was evil alien overlords, which was mainly caused by spotlights that lit them from the ground, causing a weird lighting environment. I thought how funny it was to meet them here and continued to walk away without feeling any real fear or danger. Another funny sight was a tipped over trashcan lying next to a puddle of water. "It looks like it drank too much and passed out!" I giggled. Though I also felt kinda sad for the poor thing at this time. My eyes fixed some leaves growing next to a building - my friends instantly knew I was fixated again. I really wanted to touch it! Like really bad, it looked so pretty and green! So I did. Once I got it out of my system, we stumbled upon a comfortable looking burger place. It featured tables outside and had those cozy heating lamps while overlooking a big plaza with trees and buildings. We mutually decided on grabbing a bite to eat.
Especially when on psilocin, I really enjoy lights of all sorts. Everything from futuristic-looking neon-signs to warm orange lightbulbs carrying a gentle retro vibe - it all looks so fascinating in that mindset. In hindsight, it made me feel like a small moth, fully fixed on the warm glowing hue of those lamps. After I ordered a coke (I wasn't hungry anymore), I experienced a weird sensation when staring at this public spot full of trees, streetlights, and neon signs. The whole scenery had some kind of 'Dark City' vibe. Just as in the movie, the buildings were laid with bricks as the sky was pitch black. Yet the scenery looked bright with streetlights radiating warm yellow light. In contrary to before, the perspective didn't seem as stretched out any more. Now it felt very narrow as the various objects almost seemed to melt into each other. When I focused on the trees, they seemed to take on new shapes. Kind of like with Google's Deep Dream Engine but not as well defined and more abstract. One tree formation especially caught my attention when I interpreted them as two geckos climbing a house. As I pointed it out to my friends, they were able to see them as well, which was great fun to me. Then I laid my eyes on something truly spectacular - I saw a giant praying mantis in a tree. The light from the streetlights shined just right to spot its shape in the leaves. Its eyes seemed almost glowing because they were shined on brighter than the rest of its shape, which made it look very realistic. I just stared at it. It stared back. I stared some more. Then it morphed.
What comes next is almost indescribable. There were hundreds of mouths emerging in the face of the praying mantis. And in that face, I could see those mouths portraying every emotion that ever existed in the world, even some I couldn't quite put my finger on. It truly was a spectacular sight. In contrary to the other trees and plants from before, the praying mantis stood silent. Just observing, smiling, crying, being furious, joking with its many many mouths. And I joined it in its silence. This 'entity' seemed to have a different personality than the bushes, which I adjusted to. Compared to the bushes, it didn't use 'words' to communicate. It just observed and radiated energy sending out its many emotions. Even though I wanted to look at this marvelous sight some more, I had to go pee again. When climbing the stairs to the restaurant bathroom, I heard a loud thumping in regular intervals behind a locked door. In hindsight, I believe it was just some restaurant apparatus. But at that moment, a thought rushed to my mind. "Sounds like the beat that keeps this world alive." I thought to myself. The heartbeat of our world, so to say. Which was a very intriguing thought to follow.
I noticed an intriguing feeling when entering the bathroom. The bathroom had dark walls and was tagged with graffiti all over it, including the mirror. 'Apocalyptic' would be a fitting description. Like in an action movie, hiding in the attic of some zombie movie. However, since destruction seemed like an exhausting concept, I didn't follow that thought very much. Generally, I was feeling very at peace, very grounded, and united with the universe at that moment. For me, body parts often look kinda weird but beautiful when starring at them on psychedelic substances. That's why I usually use my hands as reality checks. I can't explain it, but on psychedelics they look different. I don't get that certain psychedelic vibe from them when looking at them in a sober mindstate. Those aren't the only weird body parts though. And as I was peeing, I was looking at *you know which part*, which got me giggling "How weird yet so perfect in its own shape!" A few minutes later, I returned back down and immediately felt the scene again. I greeted the praying mantis with its various mouths and sat there in quiet and bliss for a while. Then my friends decided they wanted to *finally* go home and smoke a bit more in front of the hotel. I agreed, and we entered the next tram home.
Those streetcars possess a certain feeling at night. They feel like brightly lit worms paving their way through an unknown dark landscape. It's a weird enough feeling when being sober, psychedelics really empathized on it and leveraged it to another level. In the Netherlands, they have people sitting in an information booth riding with you, so you can get tickets and ask them questions. A slightly tired looking black woman with an afro haircut was sitting in there looking down at her phone. I tried to communicate with her as I did with the plants, yet it only seemed to work unidirectionally. She seemed very tired, wanted to go back to her family, and didn't choose to take on these night-shifts. What's most likely intuition felt like telepathic communication at that moment, like a tingling sensation in my forehead. At this point, I didn't really notice the body load anymore. First, I thought I've reached the comedown but viewed in retrospect, the trip was far far from over.
We finally got out. Geometric patterns overlayed the floor tiles. At this point, I experienced strong close eye visuals, which they even took over some of my open-eyed visual field. Like very faint colorful patterns slapped transparently over my full field of view. When closing my eyes, they resembled what you'd see with the milkdrop music visualizer. Colorful triangles shifting, tunnels moving, and impossible geometric shapes going hand in hand in each other. Sometimes there were also fully fleshed out objects dancing around. As an example, often on trips, I see/think of spiders. I'm not quite sure why but they almost became part of the whole experience for me. This time when closing my eyes, I tried to communicate with them. What they want from me and if I can help them so they wouldn't bother me every time. I didn't get an auditory result, but one of these things seemed to 'jump into my chest', which was certainly not as scary as it sounds. That action was more on a metaphysical level. Looking back, I believe those crawling creatures wanted to tell me that they're a part of me. However, I haven't quite found out what part they resemble.
After opening my eyes again, I looked up in a tree and saw tens of small eyes in the leaves. That Alex Grey kinda style, uncertain if they were 2-D or 3-Dimensional. Probably a mix out of both. They looked at me, followed me, so I waved at them while feeling all joyful. At this point, I didn't talk anymore...at all. I knew I could. I just didn't want to anymore. I didn't feel like there was a point to and I had a strong bias against communicating that way. It almost feels like the popular representation of a Buddha, just sitting there in silence and enjoying the game playing on around them. So I just nodded when my friends asked me something, mostly just reassuring if I was doing fine and if I enjoyed my time. We passed some birch trees where I saw more eyes in the trunk. However, this time they had a pronounced eye-shaped form even when looking at them in a sober state of mind. Next to the hotel were some wooden benches and a nice patch of grass. My friends and I sat on a bench and smoked a few leftover joints when a feeling suddenly hit me. Some force was pulling me to the grass. The shapes looked stunning in the dark. The edges of every stalk seemed almost illuminated and waved gently in the breeze. Like hypnotized, I walked there and lay down...what follows next can't be expressed in words. No syntax or vocabulary could do my experience justice at this point.
Ego death/Near-death experience/Mystical whatever / ~ 11:30 (T+5.5h)
It began by staring at the starry night sky. First, everything seemed regular as beautiful stars and colorful patterns danced around. Then my body was feeling light. I wasn't able to move anymore, didn't want to anymore anyway. Then I didn't breathe anymore, or at least I perceived it that way. That's when I realized I've died. I remember thinking something along the lines of "Now you've done it..." taking it jokingly. "It's not that bad to die." At no point did I feel scared or sad. I just accepted my death, thinking "If you've died now, it's completely okay.". As I closed my eyes, I still was able to notice my surroundings. Not like a 3rd person view from above, but I 'felt' like I still saw everything happening around me. Kinda like I do in a dream where I seem to sense more than just my field of view.
Then I completely let go. I remember some sort of shadowy figures standing around me, but in reality, there was nobody there. They were in the corners of my eyes, my view focused on the night sky, so I couldn't quite glance at them. From what I've noticed, they seemed human-shaped. Yet instead of bodies, they consisted of dark transparent matter. Almost like a clear smoke. My friends couldn't have been it. They were still happily smoking weed on the bench several meters away. A sensation of floating overcame me, 'I' wasn't this meat sack anymore but a pure ball of energy/consciousness floating around in space. It felt like something was pulling me up into the sky. I think I have never before experienced a similar feeling of absolute bliss. It felt like a mix of contentment, unity, and happiness. All my earthly sorrows have vanished at this point. Meanwhile, 'me the energy ball' was being pulled into the sky, and as I was spreading out, I saw heartwarming images. Those were still images but not very defined, almost like shapes at certain times. They represented the 'happy ends' of everybody that meant something to me. Not necessarily their end but the point of them finding true happiness in life, I guess.
One particular image was one of my closest friends dancing with another person (presumably the love of their life). Thinking back, this really moves me. I can imagine that when our time finally has come, and we see something like that, it helps with surrendering to death and letting go. Personally, I won't tell anyone what I've seen about them, don't wanna spoil the surprise for them ;) So when all the images were through, I knew there was one left...and this one was for me. However, this time the picture was way more detailed than the still images before, plus it was moving like a movie. I believe I saw a long black/greyish tunnelish image. It was kinda swirling, morphing, spiraling but seemed very calm. Instinctively I knew that this was my happy end - that I would finally understand. To finally see a glimpse into what I've been searching all along when taking those psychedelic substances. When exploring my own consciousness. The true meaning of 'this everything' we're experiencing. And then I saw it. And then I understood. I firmly believe I got to see a glimpse into the game, into the afterlife, into the very fabric of our existence or however you want to call it. There aren't really any words to describe 'it', and even if there were, I don't think I could.
At this point, an immense feeling of joy overcame me. That 'I' could experience this, see this and take it with 'me' in 'my' existence. It felt like I received a gift from the universe. Thinking back, I can't remember much anymore though. Those images seemed to have vanished from my mind, only leaving back a trace of a feeling I once had. At first, after I was sober again, I was frustrated. Constantly feeling like I forgot something quintessential. But recently it dawned on me - we things & organisms that currently are playing 'the game' here are not supposed to know yet. We don't really want to anyway! Why spoil the surprise already - it's going to be revealed soon enough again! What I remember though, is the strong sense of connectedness. I probably would've been able to tell you 'my' name and 'my' location, but these words essentially held very little meaning to 'me'. We are not players of 'the game of life' - we are 'the game'. Everything is a perspective, and sometimes other perspectives come to play. Death is like a wave. A change in perspective, but the game is continuing. It always has been and always will be. And that realization brought me immense joy to me. I didn't care if my perspective was ending, because 'I' wasn't my past experiences, my thoughts, or my organs...I always was everything and always will be everything. And everything is always continuing, which simply felt blissful.
Visually I remember two pictures. One of them was two black holes in the blue night sky, one big and one small, connected and almost forming the shape an eight. But one of the circles was way smaller and was shifted to the left a bit. It was surrounded by a bright orange and yellowish glowing aura, almost like a fire burning there. At this time, it felt like 'everything' is happening in this aura and not in the black space. Similar to that odd feeling you get when looking at a mandelbrot zoom online. Everything's happening in the sides of the fractal while so much of it is just vast empty space...like in life where most of the mass is just empty space. Just look at humans, our forms contain a water content of over 70%...just empty space. However, at the time of the trip, I didn't recognize this analogy. It only just recently came to my mind when thinking about the experience. The second image was like a wave but with little curves inside it. Almost like little heads poking out of the surface. Depending on which of these heads was poking out, a different facet of reality is being experienced. I imagined death to be like that, one of the heads digging itself into the earth again while another one pokes out. There was more...so much more...but I can't remember anything for the sake of it. It's hard not to chase it...that moment. I can totally sympathize with what Pink Floyd meant when they write the lyrics "You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.". There's a certain ring to that phrase that I dig lately, some sort of understanding compassion. I've come to terms with it as best as I could and am excited to learn the secrets once again when my time is up!
At some point in the trip, I suddenly stood up. I'm not quite sure if I floated back into my body or not. This detail must've slipped my mind in the sheer intensity of the situation. There was a lamp blinking at an irregular pace, a bit like morse code. My weed-smoking friend was freaking out a bit - "That lamp flickering can't be random, it wasn't like that yesterday...". While I just felt an all-encompassing sense of 'I'm' everything, I wanted to ask my friend if I should ask the lamp to stop. However, I decided against it so I wouldn't psych them out more than they already did. After stroking the grass and looking up into the depths of the universe one last time, we moved back up into our apartment.
Comedown/Offset ~1am (T+7h)
There was a very colorful carpet with loads of overlaying patterns in the hotel. It was trippy even for sober individuals. I had to move back and hold on to a wall when exiting the elevator. It just felt like too much at this point. Friendly C3-PO faces looked at me, which was a funny sight to see. Back in the room, I still felt 'gone'. 'I' was fully silent, zoning around while looking at stuff. Patterns on the pillow, patterns on the lamp, patterns on the white ceiling. For a while, I just sat in a chair and existed. Nothing else...just existed. My friends were exhausting, so we all went to sleep. That night I had a large sleeping couch all for myself. Even with strong closed eye visuals, all sorts of colors and shapes, I managed to fall asleep for a bit with the help of calming music. An hour later, I awoke, still experiencing faint visuals. Even though I would've had benzos handy, I didn't want to take them. Even for sleep, the sight was just too beautiful to stop it. As an alternative, I just opened all the curtains and marveled at the beauty of the city lights while slowly dozing off into a well deserved sleep. I don't remember dreaming that night.
The weeks after
The weeks after the trip were very intense. I was still completely in awe of what I experienced that night in the field. It almost felt like I was still high all the time, experiencing intense phases of zoning out and 'just existing'. This feeling lasted for several days. Another feeling that got mixed in was an intense appreciation for the beauty of 'this' existence. From the geometric patterns that soup bubbles form in the shower to various tastes and smells...everything regained a sense of wonder that I seemed to have lost a long time ago. Until this day, I have immense gratitude and joy for experiencing this life in all its facets. I don't think I've experienced such joy in life, such wonder, such a digging the moment in a long time. For me, that also means less 'living' and more 'enjoying'...way more enjoying. Be it a little stroll outside, a nice meal, or just the texture of a comfy pillow - everything's a wonder. I've also realized that struggles are part of the game we play, that they make this existence engaging. If you knew the ending to a game, would face no challenge, and would always win - would you play it? Probably not, and the same counts for the game we are playing with each other here.
Another peculiar thing that I've noticed is how our western language is flawed. How we give words like 'I' and 'me' such importance. Sure they're pretty neat to describe a certain state, but 'I' believe that in the big picture, they're not as important as we make them seem :) Also, I was losing that urge to take substances for quite a while. Not only psychedelic ones, but I also got rid of caffeine after that trip - cold turkey. And I've never felt better, never felt more clear-headed. When thinking about tripping now, I'm somewhere along the lines of "Yeah sure, for the experience. But I've already experienced the grande secret - no need to chase it".
In conclusion, while this experience was truly magical, the real trip is still life and all it has to offer - to enjoy it however you like, play the game like no one's watching. To the praying mantis, my plant friends, and all those magnificent eye trees, thank you for being there with me - what a ride!
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