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Letting Go of All That Is Me to Find Myself
Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by Drake
Citation:   Drake. "Letting Go of All That Is Me to Find Myself: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp115117)". Erowid.org. Feb 5, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115117

T+ 0:00
3 g oral Mushrooms (dried)
  T+ 0:30 0.5 g oral Mushrooms (tea)
  T+ 0:30 0.5 oral Ginger (tea)
  T+ 0:50 1 glass oral Alcohol - Beer/Wine (tea)
  T+ 1:50 1 glass oral Alcohol - Beer/Wine (tea)


I'm fairly experienced with psychedelics, having multiple LSD, Mushroom, and DMT experiences, and since quarantine I've been growing my own mushrooms, which is an extremely rewarding activity on its own
since quarantine I've been growing my own mushrooms, which is an extremely rewarding activity on its own
. This past Friday I had an eighth of GT's that I wanted to give a shot. After fasting for 24 hrs I began my journey as follows:

7:20pm - I ingested 3g's of dried mushrooms, chewed & swallowed.

7:30 - I began to prepare a 0.5g tea by finely grinding the mushroom, covering the grounds in fresh squeezed lemon juice, and added a few slices of raw ginger to help with taste and nausea.

7:45 - Added boiling water to the lemon/mushroom/ginger mixture.

7:50 - Drank the 0.5g tea brew, making for a total of 3.5g dried mushrooms.

8:20 - Began playing a John Hopkins University guided psychedelic journey playlist off spotify and began drinking a Heineken, waiting for the trip to start.

9:00 - Almost 2 hours in I'm feeling no significant change in my mood or perception, although there is a slightly enhanced emotional response to the music (there was a song with these violins that were hitting so hard lol, I remember wondering why would they include such a somber song in a playlist meant for tripping).

9:20 - 2 hours in, I'm still not feeling much, but the weight of my hunger is starting to become unbearable. I go to the kitchen to heat up a Pollo Asada torta and grab a 2nd beer. While in the kitchen I question if I am "holding myself back" and humorously realize that this statement can likely be applied to almost all aspects of life.

9:30 - After searching YouTube for a video to watch while I devour my sandwich, I settle on a Randall Carlson lecture on Sacred Geometry (seemed appropriate given the circumstances) and eat my first meal in over 24 hours.

9:40 - Having finished my sandwich and finding the video suitably engaging I lay on my side and decided to spend the rest of the evening listening to Randall share his trippy ideas.

9:45 - Randall is describing the movement, orbit, and tilt of the Earth as it relates to the Procession of the Equinox. I close my eyes and attempt to visualize the concepts he is describing to no success.

9:50 - Having spent the past 5 minutes with my eyes closed, I feel a sudden and powerful urge to turn off the video, leaving me laying on my side in silence and darkness. I grabbed the nearest pillow and placed it over my head, blocking out all external stimuli.

While engulfed in the darkness, my inner monologue became more pronounced as slight visuals, mostly colors and basic patterns began to appear (typical for what I expected for a psychedelic experience). I began to think back on my thoughts earlier on "holding myself back" and tried to focus on letting go. Soon those basic patterns began to coalesce into rudimentary forms, and finally well defined shaped. I was shocked at how realistic and well defined these visuals were and began to question if this was just my imagination on hyper drive.

As I questioned, I began to see all aspects of myself appear before me, almost as if they were pulled from my being, presented to me, before fading into the ether. My place in the world, my humor, my creativity, my failures, even my past experience with psychedelics as I saw entities I would associate with a DMT experience. Geometric beings made of colorful light with endless fractal patterns, whose presence feels nothing but calming and familiar, before fading away. Until finally my physical form faded away and I was left as nothing with nothing.

Once all was taken from me I was left in darkness, but I was not alone. I could sense the presence of other beings or consciousnesses, some of whom were conversing amongst each other although not with me. At the time I felt that perhaps they were other humans that were on their own psychedelic journey, or beings from another plane of existence whose journey led them to the same place as me. After a while it became apparent that we were all gathered, surrounding something, waiting for something.

Then in my middle of us, a structure emerged or made itself apparent to us. It was the first thing I had seen since losing my form. I have difficulty articulating how it looked but it was a sort of multifaceted dark green/purple metallic gem with a structure more akin to a closed flower before bloom. As the entities that surrounded me began to take note of its presence, the group silenced as we gazed upon it in awe.

The structure began to open "petal by petal" and with each layer unfolding itself a light began to shine through and the absolute magnificence of whatever was inside began to overwhelm me. As it opened I could also sense a message being transmitted to me, lessons on how to better myself, improve the lives of those around me, the nature of reality. But the more it exposed itself the stronger the message became, too powerful for me to decipher, the experience too awe-inspiring for me to even attempt to decipher. Once it was completely open I could do nothing but marvel in this presence. It had no form but I was certain that I was encountering the essence of the universe, God if you will, and I was humbled by its presence.

Once it had shown itself, all the other entities had disappeared and I was alone with it in darkness. It did not speak to me but began showing me things, taking me on a journey, from inside the eye of a hurricane, out to the edge of the universe. To be completely honest I don't remember much from this part of my trip although I don't necessarily think I was supposed to. The next part I vividly remember, I was taken to the scene of a parking lot during what looked like the end of a concert or festival. It was nighttime and 5 friends were walking through the parking lot in pairs, with the 5th member of their group following the two pairs closely behind. As we got closer to this 5th member, I could sense they were nervous or uncomfortable. I suspected that they were tripping on something and were nervous about being in public.

As we got closer I could see this person in great detail, their deliberate nervous gait, their grey jeans and wrinkled button up, their shoulder length curly brown hair, their dilated pupils. As they took a second to pause in their walk, I entered their mind and saw life through their eyes. I was looking down, examining their hands (as one does while tripping) before looking up to scan the parking lot to make sure they didn't lose their friends. I could feel their fear, their excitement, their wonder. Then as I was pulled from their body I wished them a safe and enjoyable trip, and wished to share the sentiment with all others that are on their own journey, imbued with a sense of unity with all.

After leaving the scene I just described, the focus of my journey was switched back to me. As a quick side note, earlier in the week I had fucked something up at work and was feeling pretty shitty about it. I almost didn't trip because of it, worrying that it would make for a bad trip but by the time Friday came I decided I wasn't going to let it stop me from my plans. I was shown this fuck up, but given that my essence and all aspects of myself were stripped away, I had no emotional attachment and was able to process my actions objectively. I could identify which aspects of myself allowed me to make this mistake and recognized that the point is not to focus on what you did wrong but highlight the aspects of yourself that create the potential. That self improvement is not about fixing your flaws, but recognizing their existence and working to prevent them from pulling you down.

I questioned what my life would be if I were in an environment where I was forced or motivated to face my flaws and better myself. I questioned if my ancestors were subjected to these same flaws, were they able to conquer them? As I thought this I was transported to a past life, or an alternate reality, or shown visions of ancestors. It was unclear what this represented by the scene was remarkably vivid and absolutely amazing. I was shown an ancient kingdom, built out of the face of a mountain that connected to massive trees, with terraced homes built along the face of the mountain and up each tree, all interconnected with wood bridges, and plant life covering all the pathways and homes. All who lived in this kingdom were royalty, and they were in the midst of a great celebration.

I was shown the inside of a home at the center of the celebration, and inside I saw an alternate version, or ancestor, of myself with a wife and small family. My alternate self and wife walked to the front of the house to enter the celebration and were greeted with cheer and elation. As they stood in front of the great crowd, an elder woman activated some complex wooden mechanical device. As this device finished its process, my alternate self announced to the people that we would soon be having a child, and everyone celebrated once again.

Although the sights of this kingdom were breathtaking the entire time I was being shown this I was almost entirely focused on this alternate me. After making his announcement, he transformed into my actual self, in my real apartment. Here I realized that me on this journey, and the me in the apartment also wanted to create a child, as the ultimate act of creating form out of the formless. But in order for me to create a child I needed a form. And I was reborn in my body.

10:50 - I took the pillow off my head, sat up, and said "holy shit"

The rest of the night was a standard trip, although I was obviously tripping hard af for the next hour or so. I tried to recreate what had just happened a few times but my inner dialog kept me from going too deep. All in all I'm not sure how much of that was my imagination or the mushrooms taking me where they wanted to go. I will say that by the time I sat up I had a significant puddle of drool at the side of my mouth because I guess at some point I was in such awe I opened my jaw, as one tends to do when one is amazed, and never closed it.

I am trying to incorporate some of the lessons I encountered. Even if it was just my imagination I think we all have answers inside of us, it's just a matter of being able to listen.

Exp Year: 2020ExpID: 115117
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 29 
Published: Feb 5, 2021Views: 908
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Mystical Experiences (9), Entities / Beings (37), General (1), Alone (16)

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