Citation: Johnycash. "The Meaning of Life, Ego Death, Curing Myself: An Experience with Mushrooms (edible) (exp115236)". Erowid.org. Mar 7, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115236
I had what can only be described as a life changing experience recently about a month ago. This was the second most intense experience on Psychedelics the first of which happened two days ago on DMT which I will write another report on when I compose my thoughts on it.
My specific intentions for this psilocybin trip were:
1. To journey to places I had never been and to see things I had never seen
2. To get a better understanding of the nature and purpose of Psychedelics.
I consumed one bar of mushroom chocolate. After this experience I asked the guy I bought it from about the strength. He said he didnít know
After this experience I asked the guy I bought it from about the strength. He said he didnít know
but estimated the whole bar was the equivalent of about 5-10 grams of dried mushrooms.
I ate two squares of the bar then about 20 mins later ate another two and about 10 after ate the fifth square.
The come up was very fast and very intense and I quickly understand this was going to be a trip that I needed to strap myself in for.
I had been lying down eyes closed listening to a playlist of music that I had created for these occasions. After about 20 mins I started to feel quite uncomfortable and fear and a little paranoia started to creep in. I had to turn the music off as it was only making me feel worse. I thought of McKenna who never used music during his high dose trips. So said to myself ďright kid itís just you and me and we are going on to have to try and stay calm but to be prepared for a psychedelic tsunamiĒ.
Feelings of nausea overtook me and I ran to the toilet and vomited. It wasnít the normal vomit of just been sick itís the type of vomiting/purging that normally happens to me during Ayahuasca ceremonies where it sounds like you are exorcising demons from the depths of your guts. I was hoping at the time that I was vomiting the psilocybin out of my system as the experience was getting to be overwhelming. When I stopped vomiting I went to lie down.
It was at this point that I realised when I opened my eyes that I could see through everything right down to its atomic cellular structure. My girlfriend and two sons were sleeping at the top of the house and I was in the lower ground floor but was now very conscious that I didnít want my two young sons to hear me vomiting my demons so was feeling very self conscious about making noise.
My stomach was feeling topsy turvy and could feel another bout of vomiting was imminent. I was at the time trying to understand the nature of things and the fact that I could see the atomic structure of everything I looked at. So I decided to experiment to see if I could control the cells in my stomach to tell them that I didnít in fact need to vomit. I focused on this for some time and my nausea went away.
But my attention remained on my abs I was transported inside my body, into the very cells of my stomach. It was at this point that I was told that I had cancer and in fact could see, hear and feel a very dark menacing presence of the black cancer in my cells. Then over a period of about 5 mins the rest of reality disappeared I went into a trance like state and I could hear what I can only describe as the intense sound of water freezing to ice. My whole focus was on the cancer cells and this sound which I soon realised was the sound of me through the mushrooms healing myself of the cancer.
This process lasted about 5 mins in total I think it was so hard to tell. After 5 mins it stopped and I was told my cancer had been healed. I was then transported out of my stomach cells back into my bedroom.
I then started to think about psychedelics and what their purpose was. I have been thinking about this quite a lot recently. Nature doesnít create things for no reason so why would nature create so many plants and animals that contain psychedelic substances? I was told that psychedelics were put on earth by the universe to help us and to teach us. They were put there so that we could use them to teach us and help us learn the true nature of ourselves and the universe.
One of my intentions had been to ask about the purpose of life. I then traveled into space to what seemed like the outer edges of the universe or another dimension and could clearly see a bluish coloured energy and what I understand to be our souls or life force after we die.
I was told that there is a force in the universe. I understand it to be a creator but not in any recognised Religious sense of the word and that life does have meaning. I was told that when we die we have a life force / soul which exists beyond our death and this is what I was now seeing.
I was trying to wrap my head around all that had and was happening but didnít have the time. I was only about an hour and a half into the trip and could feel another gigantic wave about to consume me.
I had heard about and read a little about ego death. To be honest I wish I had read a little more so I could try and navigate the experience.
I was now transported to somewhere that felt to me like a suspended/limbo like state. I was losing all sense of myself and my body I felt an unrelenting urge†to throw myself into this experience. But mind however was warning me against this telling me if I do I will lose consciousness. I was trapped between this overwhelming urge to just let go and my mind warning me not to. It was at this point I thought this could be ego death. The urge was getting stronger and stronger and I remembered the words of McKenna again saying donít resist just go with the experience. So I decided to take the leap of faith wondering if I would ever come back.
I was for the next few minutes moving in and out of two states.... One of which felt like the state that we will exist in after death. It didnít feel good or bad it just was. Looking back it seems I didnít really fully surrender myself to this experience due I guess to my fears of fully letting go. This continued for some time again hard to quantify.
I was probably about 3 hours in at this stage and knew that another visit to the bathroom was needed really urgently. I ran into the bathroom and started vomiting again. The vomiting lasted for about 30 minutes but I knew it had a purpose. The purpose was to cleanse me of all the negative and destructive things I had done to myself and others. Every time I thought of some shitty thing that I had done I vomited. After the vomiting stopped I remained sitting on the bathroom floor and was overcome with feelings of gratitude for this healing and revelatory experience.
I started to think back about what happened with the fact that I had been told I had just cured myself of cancer. Trying to make sense of it... Thinking is this real or am I just tripping off my fucking nut. I sat on the toilet seat and rested my head on my hands covering my eyes. It was then revealed to me that the purpose of this trip was to reveal to me that psychedelics are in fact a cure for cancer and that I need to get this message out to people.
I asked how can I do that. I was told to follow the research to seek out the people who are conducting studies in this area and to get in touch with them. Any one of what I experienced so far and was mind blowing enough but this now an overload for my brain to comprehend.
I spent some more time sitting on the bathroom floor trying to decide if this was real or not. I eventually went to lie down in my bed. It was now about 4 hours into the trip and was hoping to be able to get some sleep. No such luck... †another psychedelic wave came crashing in smacking me to the floor.
This wave was really strong but instead of revealing the secrets of the universe or healing me the open eye or closed visuals (it didnít matter whether my eyes were open or shut I saw the same thing) got really animated. The acute visuals made me start to think about schizophrenia and then my thoughts turned to fear about this trip never ending and that I could end up in this schizophrenic state for the rest of my life. I was starting to panic a little so realised that I needed to get on top of this feeling so started to argue against it. I told myself that the mushrooms wouldnít have healed me and revealed all that they had revealed to me only to then reduce me to this psychotic state... It just didnít make sense.
The feelings of fear about my mental state started to subside for which I was very grateful. I was also a little happy with myself for being strong enough to ride this journey out. There were several points in the night where I had to take deep breaths and tell myself that everything will be ok, to stay calm and take the good with the bad that it will eventually be over. There were times where it did seem like the experience would overwhelm me but I managed to stay calm and not let it freak me out.... Too much.
Once I had finished congratulating myself... The following thought popped into my head. Which was what if the mushrooms were playing a joke on me all along
what if the mushrooms were playing a joke on me all along
and that they did all that they did tonight making it seem that they were helping me but it was all a ruse and that yes now I will remain in this state forever.
Ahhhh thatís what I get for being a smug cunt. I stopped listening to my ego and tried to focus on my humility and how I should never take psychedelics for granted or think Iím in control. I realised that I need to pay them more respect and that the moment I donít they will hit me so fucking hard. I apologised and assured them that I understood their lesson they were teaching me. In return for my sanity back I would never take their power for granted again.
Once I had made this deal the fear of remaining in this schizophrenic state went away, the visuals died down and the trip pretty much ended and I eventually got to sleep about 5 hours after initially consuming the bar.
I do believe that psychedelics hold the truth but I havenít figured out how to interpret this truth yet. But I will keep on conversing and exploring with them and other like-minded people until we do.
What I have learned through psychedelics is that there is no light without darkness and no darkness without light you cannot have one without the other.
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