Citation: BabushkinPirozhok. "Journey to Heaven and God: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp115243)". Erowid.org. Mar 27, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115243
We ate mushrooms in the evening after sunset with my husband, each 7.5 grams, and lay down on the bed. He turned on some kind of soft ambient, perfectly suitable, almost imperceptible - for a long time I did not even understand that the music was playing, it seemed to me that space itself was buzzing, some kind of music emanating from the heavenly spheres. The mood was wonderful and carefree.
I lay on the bed and the effects started in waves, the sensations were very pleasant, ecstatic. The room was vibrating, shining, soft light patterns appeared on the ceiling and walls, light rainbow shining patterns, such mother-of-pearl colors on the white ceiling. A sense of magical beauty. There were no particular thoughts, I just watched with interest, not even approximately knowing what to expect.
When I closed my eyes, it seemed to me that I was flying, then I was sinking deep into the ground, then I was floating down the river in a boat, I felt like I was a dead king in a boat. There was a feeling of mystical delight. Also feeling of dying and going to another world, but there was not the slightest fear or discomfort, like I was absolutely ready for everything, didn't mind to die and it was a most beautiful thing and nothing kept me in this world. I was carried along the shining river somewhere into the afterlife.
I was in a shining temple. Сolumns were lost in the sky, vaults of the dome shone somewhere far above. Everything shimmered, the floor and columns were covered with moving mosaics, flowers and radiant patterns were blooming in space and on the floor. I left the temple and saw an endless landscape, a desert that had no horizon. I don't know how to explain what it means, but there was no horizon. And then an entity appeared.
It was a vision of immense power. It was vast, probably the size of the sun, consisting of light, and containing all forms, everything that ever existed and will exist, everything that God - infinity, infinite imagination - can imagine. It was the totality containing everything, the heart of the world, the source of everything. It is impossible to describe its form in words, I can say that it was constantly changing, different forms flowed, it was a dazzling white light, at some point I remember that it took the form of an enormous golden dragon entwined in rings, but all I can say about this, will not convey anything. I myself cannot even imagine this, being in an ordinary state of consciousness, because this vision was multidimensional, beyond time and space, it was a vision of a reality that was much larger than our world. I feel like my sober brain physically cannot imagine it now how I experienced it then and what I remember now is rather a projection of that multidimensional world onto our world and concepts like "3d space".
At the same time, this god consisted of light, goodness and love. It was the source of all goodness and light in the universe, its intentions were kind, is was pure infinite love. It moved across this desert, from one end of infinity to the other, and it looked at me and let me see itself. Then it moved on in a ceremonial procession, surrounded by other smaller gold spirits.
Then I saw something like the afterlife - and I clearly understood that in this space all the people I loved would be with me, and there would be no misunderstanding, no quarrels, no boundaries, nothing but love between us. There, freed from all suffering, our souls will find peace in infinity. It was a vision of paradise, an ocean of endless love, in which we will all be one. I knew that this is an absolute reality - it was more real than our world, from there our world looked like just a fleeting dream. And at the same time, another part of me - a skeptic and an atheist - thought that I could not know if this was real. What will happen after death? Where I am now - maybe this is just a beautiful dream of what should be after death? Dream of paradise? There is no way to find out. All I know is that at least for me, it's real at a deep level. I felt both ecstasy, struck by this endless love, seeing what would happen after death, and sadness, from the fact that I do not know if this is the reality shown to me, or my dream of what should be, but will not come true. This feeling, a mixture of love, dream and sadness, was so strong that I could not bear it, as if such beauty was too strong for just a human being, and my heart could tear apart. I opened my eyes in tears.
My husband, who was lying next to me, saw that I was crying and asked - you see it too, right? For some reason I knew that we were talking about the same thing, and I answered yes. (The next day I asked him what he saw at that moment, and he described a very similar vision. He said that he saw God in the form of an entity made of light, and this vision was so powerful that it even scared him, and that he understood where all religions originate from. That God is not an abstract idea - initially it is a direct experience, the revelation from which ideas and religions later grew. My husband and I had a similar vision independently of each other at one moment, maybe our minds somehow connected, maybe God was really in our room then, maybe this is just a coincidence. I have no explanation for this. Since then we call this entity the Golden Teacher.)
These visions of God and paradise struck me to the depths of my soul, and I was even more amazed later by the fact we experienced it together. It was the most amazing moment in my life, perhaps. I had a feeling then that death doesn’t scare me at all after this and if I have to die I don't mind because just one minute of this revelation was worth everything, all the suffering in life. This moment was enough, no matter how much pain there was, after that moment one could die and not regret anything, as if it were the goal of my life, what I was always looking for, what I was born for, like every human being. And whatever will come next, the most important thing already happened. Whatever happens everything is right.
Then my consciousness dissolved, fell apart, I ceased to exist and my body also merged with the surrounding space. I lost all concepts of direction, density and boundaries of objects, the top and bottom, the air and the walls of the house, all merged into some kind of homogeneous substance. I saw some kind of unfolding, strange, moving, multidimensional spaces, reminiscent of Escher's paintings. The universe looked like one infinite breathing object with a porous structure. At some point I saw my parents, their life, my birth and death. I felt some kind of unity with all women in the world, saw how they pass generation after generation through millennia.
For a while there was nothing. There was no me, there was no time. It was like awakening. It was like when you see a dream, in this dream you do something, there is a lot of things happening, everything is very real and important for you, and then you start waking up, and there is this transition from the world of dreams to a waking state. At some point you realize that it was a dream and that you are waking up, and from that moment the details of the dream begin to dissolve, by the time you open your eyes you already remember only a couple of moments from the dream, and it no longer matters, then you get up and go to breakfast. It was very similar, only I myself and my life was a dream. But who woke up if I was a dream? Infinity woke up from a dream in which it was me for some time, a split second by its standards? I can describe this state as supreme bliss or peace, but it was beyond emotions. There were no longer pleasant or unpleasant emotions and no me to experience them, just pure consciousness. Sometimes I recalled that once there was such a person - me, she lived in some universe, and my life and our world looked like something very distant and fleeting. As if to look from afar at the life of a small ant that lived on some distant planet millions of years ago, and was enthusiastically dragging a leaf into the anthill.
I saw many more things, endlessly beautiful worlds and scary and sad and painful memories, unfortunately I remember almost nothing from that stream of dreams. But it didn't matter. Everything has lost its meaning. I was free from feelings, fears, myself, dissolving into the universe. All boundaries have disappeared, everything that distorted, clouded, limited perception, as if the dull glass through which I had previously looked at the world had disappeared.
At first I wanted to stay in this state forever. Then, when I was already mortally tired and just wanted to fall asleep, I thought that if it had lasted even a few days, I would be lost in these worlds and would never have been able to return.
I had an incredible feeling of healing. As if I died and was born again, a new person. As if all the pain had been washed away from me, all the bad memories, like water, a cleansing shining stream, took me apart, cleansed and created a new person. I felt absolute purity and innocence. It was healing beyond words and changed my life forever. Then when I was back in my body, the rest of the night we listened to music and just had a great time. I remember sitting in the kitchen and just admiring beautiful hallucinations. We listened to Tool, I remember listening to Third Eye, Reflection, Lateralus and something else. Ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been... it was a good night. A precious memory that will shine in my heart all my life until I die. True treasure.
Before this trip I was always an atheist. I have always had a critical attitude towards religion. God for me was just a fairy tale, an abstract idea, I never had any interest in mysticism or esoterics. After that trip, I just can no longer call myself an atheist, I did not join any religion, but became rather an agnostic. In fact, I have no idea since then if the God we saw was real, or what "real" even means. I am not even trying to interpret this experience or embed it in some way within the framework of physical reality, because mystical experience is by definition incomprehensible. One part of me says that though for me subjectively it is real, but probably not real in the same sense as the real objects of the physical world. Another part of me knows deep inside that what we saw was more real than the physical world. Since then sometimes when I meditate I feel the presence of that entity and see its light with my inner vision.
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