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Breaking Through Fear
Mushrooms
by BabushkinPirozhok
Citation:   BabushkinPirozhok. "Breaking Through Fear: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp115275)". Erowid.org. Mar 18, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115275

 
DOSE:
3 g oral Mushrooms (edible / food)

BODY WEIGHT: 49 kg


We were driving with my husband and his friend to a music festival. We were traveling from another region and were on the road for two days. It was getting close to sunset. We had chocolate bar with mushrooms. There was a total of 6 grams in the bar, and I ate about half, but I donít know the exact dose - I donít know how evenly I managed to distribute the mushroom powder over the chocolate bar.
I donít know the exact dose - I donít know how evenly I managed to distribute the mushroom powder over the chocolate bar.
I thought I ate a little, but the trip felt intense enough, at the level of 4 grams.

My state was very positive and cheerful. The effects started, combined with the fast driving on the highway it was amazing. There was a feeling of returning home. I have not eaten mushrooms for a long time, and I realized how much I missed it. I had the feeling that I was finally back in my place - this is what I was created for, this is what life is, this flight towards the unknown, endless movement. It felt like I flew through worlds and the passage of time has changed and it seemed to me that this continued for a very long time, as if I had spent several lives on this road.

The clouds in the sky turned into fish. My husband (he was sober because he was driving) and his friend were discussing something, I didn't really listen, keen on watching the giant sturgeon in the sky. After the previous 8.5g bad trip I had a fear that influenced my state in new trips, that I wanted to deal with because I love psychedelics. I decided that if I meet with fear, I will not turn away from it. I realized that courage is not the absence of fear, this is when you are afraid but still do it. Every time there was a wave of fear or paranoia, I broke through it and was immediately rewarded with a new world and a new wonderful state of childish joy on the other side of fear and the feeling that fear is an illusion. This pattern repeated itself again and again many times for about 2.5 hours.

I remembered my cat, who died nine months ago, and felt his presence, as if we had never parted, death does not change anything - we have always been and will be together in all worlds. I looked around and realized that everything that surrounds me was created by people, every object and every little detail was first created by human imagination and then assembled by the hands of people. Itís obvious, but then I felt it especially emotionally that we create this world with the power of our imagination. I was always fascinated by how new worlds arise from nothing when you paint, and now I saw that the whole world and everithing that humans do is art.

At some point, everything merged. Not only me, but this whole world has disappeared. All colors mixed, all channels of perception - sight, hearing, touch - everything merged into one stream of signals, full sinesthesia. All emotions and sensations - love, pain, joy, horror - everything merged and mixed, the whole world dissolved into a homogeneous mess. I saw the chaos of incoming signals from which the brain creates what I call reality, and how it does it. A kind of primal soup of reality. I saw how what I call color, sound, sensations, emotions is born out of nothing. I thought about what a miracle human brain is, and this world that it creates, and how valuable it is. Also thought about other colors that we don't see but maybe some other animals see them. It was as if a new birth not only of me, but also of this world, of reality itself, its formation from nothingness. At some point an absolute, endless emptiness opened above my head, it was like a bottomless abyss of nothingness and I felt like staying on the edge and falling into the sky. I did not completely fall into it, but was hanging on the border, because the dose was not too large, but I saw this abyss into which all the reality can very easily fall.

It began to get dark. There was a huge empty zone, where there are no cities or villages, but only a highway and bare hills, and we drove for a very long time through this space. It became dark and clouds covered the sky. This part of the trip was pretty dark, the apocalyptic feeling of madness and fear of staying in this state forever from the previous trip came back to me, but at this dose I could handle it, observing the fear and even reaching out towards it. We drove through this black endless space and then through towns and villages, hills and then mountains covered with trees, under a black apocalyptic sky and it felt like driving through the heart of darkness, breaking through to the other side of it. As if the trip was an exercise in overcoming fear.
We arrived at the festival in the middle of the night, it was in a gorge in the mountains, deafening music played, color flashes illuminated the rocks, and it seemed to me funny that I had already gone through a sort of rebirth before we reached the festival. We danced and went to sleep in the tent. In the following days, I felt completely renewed and one with nature, and I did not have a single thought in my head. It also was my first music festival so it was fun.

Exp Year: 2019ExpID: 115275
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 24 
Published: Mar 18, 2021Views: 180
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Mushrooms (39) : Glowing Experiences (4), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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