DOSE: T+ 0:00		oral	Syrian Rue	(tea)
T+ 0:45	2.9 g	oral	Mushrooms - P. cubensis

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

2.5 Gm Shrooms to Tackle Marijuana Addiction

2.5 grams of golden teachers, had 45 mins after ingesting Syrian rue tea, a MAO inhibitor. Dropped at 1 am on a plateau that me, my boyfriend, and his brother hiked to. It was nearly pitch dark so all we had as external stimulation was a starry sky and the sound of frogs and crickets. We did this specifically to deprive ourselves of stimuli or distractions.

We had all decided that we'd be keeping to ourselves during the trip. My boyfriend and I had been having issues with trust and fidelity so we didn't want to particularly engage with each other but we did trust each other to not abandon one another if we needed it.

Both my boyfriend and I have been trying to get over our marijuana dependence so I decided to unravel that. I had dosed on 4gm of dried mushrooms 3 weeks before and had found that too uncontrolled because I was so confused about humanity and why anything exists and what we're supposed to be doing. I had thus decided to go with 2.9 gm [2.5 or 2.9?] for a milder trip where I could be more consciously in control.

Started coming up in an hour with intense nausea and had to struggle to keep it down. I was sweating profusely (it was extremely warm) and I finally lay down on a rock and just stared into the darkness.

I always feel very child like on psychedelics. My initial foray into LSD was all about putting on new lenses and seeing the intricacies of the world. Lately my trips have been geared towards examining emotional wounds, breaking down bad habits and healing old traumas.

90 mins after dropping I felt my consciousness split in two. Mushrooms usually present themselves as a separate collective entity in my mind and we have a conversation. This time both identities were me, just different aspects of me. One the conscious awakened adult, one the naive simple minded child. I walk around with both everyday, the younger one makes art, wonders at nature; the adult goes about work, paying bills, grocery shopping.

On psilocybin I felt these two aspects as distinct identities, the adult looking around to make sure I was physically safe, the child marvelling at the wavy tree silhouettes.

Then after a while I was able to sit with myself, like a parent sits down with a child, and ask my toddler self where it hurts. The child was able to show me her emotional wounds festering under months of bandages in the form of marijuana abuse. We were able to unwrap that wound together and assess the state of damage. It was akin to a sitting with a child who'd hurt themselves on the playground, made themselves a makeshift bandage and came home limping only for mom to go "alright, let's get that rag off, disinfect it and wrap it up again". I had an intense maternal attachment for myself. I felt so guilty for everything I put myself through.

Here's where parenting makes such a huge impact. The way I was treated as a child was with immense consideration and affection. Every pricked finger was kissed better, every snub on the playground from a mean kid was treated with a cuddle and an ice lolly (so that explains my comfort eating habits), every cool leaf or rock I found was acknowledged and marvelled at. My parents weren't perfect but they did their best to cement the belief that I was precious, lovable, and worthy of affection and attention and when I say attention I mean my thoughts were given an audience because I was a meaningful person with meaningful things to say.

When we as adults seek partners it's well known that we tend to seek partners like our parents. We learn how to treat people from them and what treatment we should accept in return. We seek adults to parent our inner child and parent their inner children in return. An adult who's scraped their knee cannot expect the world to notice, but they can snap a picture and send it to their spouse or best friend and they're not out of line to expect a sad emoji in return or maybe even a "oh no, how did that happen?". They feel entitled to asking their spouse for the sort of attention normally reserved for children. That's the pact. The world of adults is cold and harsh and too busy to attend to your scraped knee but I, your partner, will look at it because I've chosen one person and can afford to look at you with a microscope.

Is it any wonder that my inner child was confused and outraged when my boyfriend didn't treat her like the precious little girl she is? The primal child in me felt abandoned when I went to him crying with emotional wounds and he rolled over to sleep. My parents would never do that. My inner child was left wondering what's wrong with her when she saw him texting other women. She was howling in agony when he slept with his ex. When I broke up with him, it was a child running away from a home where they felt unloved. And my boyfriend took the first opportunity he had to sleep in another woman's bed. My child was hearing "look at how replaceable you are. I have another child from the orphanage the very next day. That's what you get for running off, sleep in the basement now". My scrambling adult self kept shoving milkshakes and McDonald's and marijuana down my throat as pacifiers.

So who's responsible here? One could say my adult self was a very negligent parent if I kept going back. Except my boyfriend isn't a total monster. There are parts of him that present as loving and attentive.

Up on the plateau, the two of me were lying side by side listening to my boyfriend's brother talk about how you can't rely on hugs for comfort after a certain age, how their partner asking to check in with them when they're traveling is needy and too much. All the aspects of my boyfriend that confused me were very starkly outlined in his brother, who had the same upbringing but chooses not to conceal it. Raised by a mother who taught them love was something reserved for achievers. A father who taught them that there were other things he had to deal with and they weren't important enough to parent at all. How would they possibly know the security and peace that comes with a committed relationship.

Watching them banter and to recreate the security they found in each other as children made me realise what they are inside. Lost orphan boys who have each other, hissing at the nice social workers trying to date them but not completely denying them either. Love presented simply and directly is alien and something to be suspicious of.

I felt like a parent at a playdate with some unruly, badly raised kids. All I wanted was to pick my kid self up and run home, away from them and their kind. Let them keep tearing at each other and let their neglected wounds fester. And it's not like they're not hurting, they cope just as badly with relentless stimulation seeking behaviour. Their inner children are wounded but their adult selves parent them with the same spite and rigidness their mother did.

Sometime during the trip I got a barrage of texts from the brother's girl-who's-friend (he's made it clear that they're not together and she's ok with it) asking about his whereabouts and if he was ok. Not the first time and something his ex partner used to do as well because he goes awol when he feels suffocated. I was filled with so much empathy for them. And so much anger at this guy who knew exactly what he was doing but was so needy for affection that it didn't matter that the relationship was parasitic.
This wasn't a guy who lost his phone, she was actively being ignored all day, before our trip even, with no heads up.

I saw them both as giant pitcher plants that grow in nutrient poor soil and therefore have evolved mechanisms to extract nutrients from insects. Raised in loveless soil, these boys evolved to grow pitchers that look like flowers, smell like flowers, but are deadly traps. A classic abusive partner is a venus flytrap that lures you in, then snaps shut. A pitcher plant is just slippery, the bug should be able to fly out whenever it likes but the slippery walls don't give it enough friction to take off. And when you see a fly trapped in a pitcher plant you don't go "lol, what a stupid fucking bug, falling for that shit." You understand that they were following their biology and this plant was designed to trap it.

The deal with insect pollinators and flowers is that there is give and take. The bug gets nectar, flower gets pollinated. Pitcher plant people don't have anything to give. They don't go around hunting, they just sit there looking pretty until a bug comes along and goes "mmm, looks like a flower, smells like a flower, may I have some nectar in exchange for pollinating you?" And pitcher plant goes "sure, if you like, I'm not forcing you though." Once the bug is trapped, they struggle and pitcher plant goes "leave, who's stopping you? Anyway, while we're here why don't I just release some digestive juices".

There's no way to delude yourself into thinking that staying with a pitcher is fine as long as your expectations are low. They might not kill you, you may be able to fly out at some point but sitting in there will singe you. All the pitcher will do is take from you. Until you're a shell of yourself. Some pitchers even delude themselves into thinking they're protecting the bug from the cold.

My adult self sat with my child and we decided that's not what we want. We don't want to be around carnivorous plants who have evolved to be takers without giving back. We want to be with loving considerate people who nourish us and who will accept our parenting. Who will make us feel loved and needed in equal measure.

Early in our relationship my boyfriend talked about the cons of monogamy, about how he wishes he could sleep with more women to experience the variety. He'd also told me I wasn't his physical ideal and he always imagined himself with someone from his own culture. My inner child sat there wondering what was lacking in me. Isn't my love so much better? I'm so special and if I love you and cater to your needs and celebrate you as a person isn't that so much more meaningful? Am I not precious to you?

My adult self had to step in and sit with the little girl and tell her in no uncertain terms, but not unkindly, that "no, you're not important to this pitcher plant and that's ok. He's not coming to kiss your boo boo better, can I offer you a hug instead?".

Post trip impact:

We'd travelled together to the plateau but I couldn't stand to be around them and headed off to my apartment (I'd been staying at my boyfriend's place for a while), we didn't speak all day, and the next day I went over to watch a movie and I ended up confronting them after they spent all evening mocking me and ganging up on me (which is something they often do and something I engage with usually). It's still a conversation we're having and they're not taking it very well, insisting it's icebreaking and affectionate (even if the other person isn't laughing along after a while). I brought up their mean streak when it comes to bigger issues in relationships like fidelity and supportiveness and how they're so similar in their patterns of neglect and callousness. My boyfriend has been somewhat receptive, his brother says he knows he's messed up but he doesn't get why I'm taking out my frustrations with his brother out on him. I clarified that my disapproval was directed at him as my friend, not an extension of my boyfriend. He also says that his emotional issues are not something he has the bandwidth for and he'd rather focus on establishing himself financially first. For now, he doesn't feel the need to be in a committed relationship.

My marijuana usage has decreased by more than 70%. I consciously decided I wasn't in a hurry to quit so I was extremely indulgent with myself. I simply didn't want to smoke as much. It was not my intention but my appetite for sugar has turned to borderline avoidance after decreasing by half after my last trip. It's something I've struggled with all my life and it feels almost effortless now. I hope it stays that way for a while.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116396
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Jun 19, 2022	Views: 559
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66), Syrian Rue (45) : Combinations (3), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Nature / Outdoors (23), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)