DOSE: T+ 0:00		smoked	DMT
T+ 0:00	3 g	oral	Mushrooms	(tea)
T+ 2:36	3 hits	smoked	DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

Life, Death, and The Nature of Reality

I woke up with the intention of taking some LSD and meditating, but I woke up feeling like I didn’t get adequate rest and was pretty fatigued, so I decided it was best to put it off. I also woke up with pain in my neck and shoulder, and I don’t like to journey into the magic kingdom with physical pain, as it often becomes amplified. I went about my morning, having breakfast, a few chores, etc. A few hours later, still feeling pain in my neck, I decided to have a bit of DMT, as I’ve noticed it will instantly remove all pain, as well as helping with fatigue. I had loaded 35 mg and ended up using about 25 mg of it.

I broke through into a space where the bed I was lying on merged with my being. It was a bit confusing, and I found myself moving around trying to get comfortable. After a few minutes, I came out of the experience and noticed my pain was gone. I got up, moved around a bit and definitely felt better than I had all morning.

Since my energy had increased, I felt the need to clean up the house. Then I had lunch and spent a bit of time outside in the sun. The time was now 2 pm, and I wanted to take some mushrooms to help me work through some difficult emotions.

I have been feeling somewhat depressed the past few days, since my daughter had once again run away to a life of addiction. Psychedelics have helped me to not only realize the deep pain I have for this loss, but have helped me to work through the pain and find healing.

I had prepared some fresh mushroom tea a few weeks before and had made ice cubes. From a previous experience, I found them to be about half the expected strength, but this was a different batch that was blended rather than chopped. I took what should have been 3 grams worth at 2:19 PM.

I’d like to mention that the fresh tea is definitely different in effect compared to dry tea. It is highly preferred, as the come up anxiety is much less and the experience is more euphoric and smooth. I have also noticed I tend to yawn a lot with the fresh material, compared to dry. After 2-3 hours, I felt the experience had the strength of ~2 grams and suspect the lower potency is due to low solubility in water, given only 25-30 grams of water for each gram of mushrooms was used. Next time, I’ll try to acidify the water more to enhance solubility.

About 2 hours into the experience, I found myself in a pretty good space. I spent some time thinking about my daughter and was able to grieve and let go. Then, around 5 PM, I decided to try a bit more DMT. There was maybe 10 mg remaining, along with some deposited in the glass. I used a torch to gather the deposit and suspected I now had 35, maybe 40 mg.

Being a bit cautious, I took 3 tokes. First two only gave mild feeling. Then, I took the last inhalation and knew it was enough. I set down the glass and lie down.

This time, instead of bursting into a space with color and animation, I had a strong sense of dread. In my mind, I said, “Oh shit, I’m dead. I really did it this time!” Under my closed eyelids, I saw what little color was remaining shift to black, gray, and white. I saw a scene of a graveyard with tombstones with crosses on them and as I shifted my attention, even those faded away into nothing.

I opened my eyes to see the room, but it was different. It was different in that there was no life. The information that made up the room was no longer being animated. I realized that I was dead. The beautiful tapestry hanging on my wall was disintegrating before my eyes. Only the very center of my vision held some color, as the rest of the image became pixelated in a way that washed out as I shifted my attention.

I saw what death is and I’ll try to explain it with this analogy:

Imagine a computer running code that produces a beautiful animation on a screen. Now, imagine what would happen if the power that keeps the memory bits where they need to be is slowly removed. The animation starts to loose some of the resolution and introduces glitches and noise into the animation. Eventually, noise flips enough bits that the prior images slowly turn to dust.

This is what I experienced. I was dead, no doubt about it, and the reality I saw was no longer “powered” so that as I moved my attention around, REALITY WASHED AWAY!

I saw death as a stagnation of perception. One where as “time” passed, perception became more and more noise, until all information is lost.

I don’t want to die, so I breathe. I breath in and out to try to keep life from completely fading away, but it is no use, it doesn’t help and now there is almost no information. The only thing I still have is the “observer” that is still observing the disintegration of reality.

Somehow, I got up and walked to a window and looked outside. I saw an image of what the back yard is supposed to be like, but as I moved my attention, it too began disintegrating into nothing. I went back to my bed and lie down. I was in a time stop – this was eternity. I had an understanding that this is death. Death is the loss of information. The loss of the power that animates reality. It is the most scary thing I have ever experienced.

I mourned the loss of my life. I mourned not getting to experience ANYTHING EVER AGAIN! The scariest thing is I felt that I would still be an observer, observing disintegration for eternity.

Then, a thought popped into my head. Jesus. Keep in mind, I’m not really religious, but do feel spiritually connected to something. A higher power, perhaps. Once I had that thought, the center of my vision lit up with a bit of color. There was life again in the center of my vision. Slowly, this circle of vision opened up. I was reborn. I went through a resurrection!

A few moments later, I got up and started moving around, looking around, very thankful for the miracle of life. I’ve been given LIFE!

I then had a realization that God is the “power” that energizes the reality created by our attention. Without it, our reality is like a memory chip without power in that any noise, or change in attention will add randomness into the perception and flip the bits in the direction of noise, static.

Reality is when this “power” is combined with attention to form matter. Without either one, reality doesn’t exist.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116659
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 40
Published: Oct 19, 2022	Views: 539
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DMT (18), Mushrooms (39) : General (1), Mystical Experiences (9), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16)