Citation: raspberry. "Consumed by My Cosmic Giant: An Experience with Mushrooms & MDMA (exp116816)". Erowid.org. Jan 19, 2023. erowid.org/exp/116816
For this report to make sense I feel it necessary to also include the effects of my 2nd to most recent trip before this one. I had taken 100ugs of LSD 8 months before this trip and it was a nightmare. It was easily the most horrifying experience in my life. I felt the world attempt to split my head open with a blade or a drill. It was horrifyingly bright, far too dark and malevolent, and there were eyes burning into me. This trip legitimately traumatized me and resulted in me getting HPPD. After that trip I was having flashbacks for the next 2 weeks. Previous to that trip I had taken acid at least once a week for the previous 2 months and that trip stopped my tripping in its tracks. My next trip was a 50ug experience on LSD 4 months later which was better but still not a great time, I was in the forest and could see and feel the presence of demons trying to harm me.
After another 4 months I decided I was in a good enough place to trip again and decided to take 1.8gs of shrooms along with just over a point of MDMA to help ease me into the experience. Ever since getting HPPD hallucinogens in general have hit me much harder so I knew I would be in for a proper trip. I also chose to lemon tek this trip and take some dark chocolate.
After dropping all but one of my roommates went out to go rafting on a lake near our place and I was alone with my remaining roommate but we were each in our own worlds. I was listening to music with noise canceling headphones and looking up at the galaxy light on the ceiling which looked almost 3 dimensional. I was wondering if the shrooms were kicking in yet (they were) as that light already looks pretty trippy sober. I decided to look at the couch cushions I was laying on and my mind stopped dead in its tracks.
I was seeing patterns in the couch that reminded me far too much of that acid trip 8 months ago and started sort of freaking out. I tried talking with my roommate but I quickly remembered that on that LSD trip talking with people never helped, I would have to ride this out on my own.
I quickly remembered that on that LSD trip talking with people never helped, I would have to ride this out on my own.
Eventually the thought that I could make myself vomit occurs to me and I run to the bathroom and get my knuckles all the way to the back of my throat in an instant but no luck. After that I go back to the couch and realize that I am capable of weathering this experience and that I just need to get through it. I curl up on the couch in a fetal position and close my eyes reminding myself that I am safe and almost instantly I was not in reality anymore.
I found myself floating in a void, now completely disconnected from my physical reality and I cant make out much of what is here but I can feel the presence of beings in this void with me. Before long one of these beings makes itself visible to me. Its this long creature with a long pointed snout, almost like an anteater, but its made out if pictures that look like paintings. These pictures arent pictures though, they are the souls of other creatures that this creature has consumed to sustain and power itself. I dont know how I knew thats what they were but I just did. This creature wanted to consume me but it couldnt, I was scared. When this creature I think realized it couldnt consume me it decided to challenge me. It stated its existence as powerfully as it could and its existence bothered me, because it just existed. It just floated around in this void. "For what purpose" I thought, "I just exist" it retorted, all communication happening without words only pure thought. Eventually, and in part thanks to my constant reminders that I was safe, I decided I didnt care, it could exist, who was I to question its existence, why does anything need purpose to exist. Once I accepted it it didnt stop though, it felt as though it was testing if I had really accepted it. After awhile this creature left, seemingly approving of me and allowing me through into the wider void where there were many more creatures like it.
I was not floating free in this void for longer than it took me to realize I was there for another creature to snatch me up and swallow me whole. At first this frightened me, a lot. During my LSD trip 8 months prior I had a suspicion that if I stared at the fractals for long enough for them to completely cover my vision that I would be ripped away to another beings world. When this happened though I simply reminded myself, I am safe. By reminding myself that I was safe and surrendering control this creature was very easily and very quickly able to disassemble my being and weave it into its own fabric.
This next part is a little hard to remember and was a little out of order but here goes. I remember being tested by this creature, I dont remember how but that was how it started. Eventually I was just laying in its stomach and I thought "what do we do", almost immedietly I saw these malevolent tendrils reach out for me, almost as if to communicate that it was not my place to make desicions, as I was now a part of it and it knew what was best. I let go and stopped trying and the tendrils retracted. I was laying in its stomach for what felt like an eternity only allowing my thoughts to drift as much as this being would allow as it didnt like me thinking. Then I started thinking about my gender identity and all of that changed.
I am assigned male at birth and have been going as nonbinary for awhile now but I've known that that's not really me, it sort of is but not really. I started to think about what my identity meant to me. Thinking about the separation I had created in my mind between the feminine spirit I possess and the masculine shell I was forced to construct around it. I have had a lot of doubt about if I'm "really trans or not" and as I started to think about this, this creature not only allowed me but warped time around me so that I could think faster and reach an endpoint faster. Eventually the endpoint I reached was that at the end of the day I wish to be a woman, and regardless of anything else if that is true I can accept that that is who I am. Upon reaching that conclusion I felt the most euphoric experience I have had in my life up til that point (although it will be beaten shortly after).
After that almost trip within a trip I found myself once again in this creatures stomach. I was sat around again and once again my mind began to wonder which it did not like, those tendrils once again creeping even closer this time. After this mini trip though I almost felt bad for the creature, as though it had done something so wonderful for me that I was to be disrespectful to disobey it. I offered myself up as an appeasement and began to feel this creature feast upon and consume my essence, and it felt like the most euphoric experience possible. It was definitely very sexual in nature. I felt as though I was literally offering up my soul for another being to consume (I never understood why vampire were hot before this trip, now I absolutely do). At another point while I was in its stomach as it was feasting upon me I wondered, how do I taste? I could feel the pleasure that this creature was experiencing and suspect that the pleasure I was experiencing was nothing but a fraction of what it was getting but it didnt like that. The tendrils struck out at me and in response I offered up more of myself allowing it to consume even more and I, in turn, received another orgasmic wave of pleasure.
After this I found myself once again in this creatures stomach. Eventually my thoughts wander to my experiences in life. I have had a pretty difficult life, not the most difficult I'm sure but it hasnt been easy. My mother physically abused me and emotionally neglected me, all up until I reached 10th grade almost all of my classmates hated me in every school I had been in. My classmates in 5th grade once stole my shoes and spent our entire lunch break chasing me trying to beat me with them. My ex was extremely manipulative and in the end I had to call the cops on them (they also one time punched down my door and another punched a hole in the wall right above my head while we were laying in bead). This next mini trip took me through all those events and showed me the result, someone who has been hardened by fire. Life has beaten me down every chance its gotten and every time I have risen up stronger and with a more open perspective on the world. Theres a running joke among some of my friends that "I'm that one friend who always has shit happening to them" and its true, but even through that I havent become bitter or jaded. This trip showed me just how remarkable that is and how I should be damm proud of myself for making it this far. Upon the end of this mini trip I yet again received a wave of physical euphoria similar to the previous mini trip.
After that experience I came back to this creatures stomach but it felt different. I could more clearly feel the presence of the other beings there with me. It was like everyone was looking at me, waiting. I didnt have much time to process this though because almost in an instant my essence was woven free and consolidated into my own form again. I was now outside of this creature I had been a part of and could see him. He was massive, like a gas giant. I understood that he had chosen me to be his prize, the most beautiful, powerful, enlightened, and open minded spirit he had collected, and I was to stand by his side as he floated around this void.
As we floated around eventually we met another creature like him who had also selected a prize. We were each encouraged to dance with each other, and make our giants proud. I began and I immediately knew that my creature had lent me his powers of creation and manipulation in this world and I began to dance drawing these beautiful patterns. Eventually though I realized I could be more creative and I drew a straight line forward, then a line that curled around it and twisted into another dimension that I created upon making that movement. Then it was the others turn. They almost instantly and with much more care and elegance than me threw out this two dimensional pad made of woven strands then picked it up like a cats cradle and allowed us to pear in revealing that it was in fact a bottomless void of woven architecture.
We left this other creature after this and floated around a bit more but by now I was coming down and the world had started to return to me. I dont remember the exact moment that I came back or how it happened but once I came back I felt as though I had just conquered a mountain. After having two downright awful trips I had come back to the psychedelic space and it was challenging at first but I made it through, I have my voyagers handbook now.
I dont have any wish to trip again anytime soon but now I know that I can. I think my days of casually tripping are over, I wont be dropping acid and going to school anytime soon (that was actually why I had taken acid that day 8 months ago) but I know that in the right set and setting I can have some truly fantastic experiences. I consider this trip to be the best of my life and I am so grateful that we didnt have trip killers on hand because I definately would have taken one at the beginning there if we did.
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