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Illusion of Intellect at the Border of Perspective
by J
Citation:   J. "Illusion of Intellect at the Border of Perspective: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp117093)". Nov 13, 2023.

6 g oral Mushrooms
Time awoken: 10:30 am
Time of Ingestion: 1:11 pm
Time of come-up: 2:30 - 3:00 pm
Time of peak: 3:00 - 4:20 pm

I’m currently 18, in a very healthy and happy relationship, weigh 180 pounds, and study at University. I’ve known about psychedelic substances and cannabis since around the age of twelve, but I’ve only recently started using cannabis regularly, and the past two days have been my first experience with psychedelic substances. Where I tried some psilocybin gummies and the shrooms I’d use for my later experience. I’ve been on antidepressants since I was twelve, though I’ve been off them for around two and a half weeks as part of a detoxification of the meds from my body.

In the two months leading up to this psychedelic trip, I had tried to mediate hedonistic and undisciplined habits from my person. Everything I did felt endowed with a sense of cosmic purpose; from the music I listened to, to the actions I took at every moment, I felt like everything I was doing was leading up to an awakening of some sort. As part of the citalopram (antidepressant) detoxification, I was experiencing some minor and major withdrawal symptoms, such as irritability, mood changes, nausea, and an increased sense of anxious and irrational thought.

My experience was incredible. I was in the correct mindset, with the right person (my girlfriend), in the right location, (my university campus, specifically my girlfriend's dorm and university dining commons), and with the right tolerance. The first “technical” time I ever ingested psilocybin was two days ago; at my friend, O, girlfriend's apartment as part of a two-month preparation between both me and my friend. I ingested the shrooms after two attempts on two previous days, both of which resulted in a mild euphoria with minor visuals, but without the life-altering realisations that were to come.

I awoke at O's girlfriend's apartment at about 10:30 am. I felt weird, I had just had a somewhat fascinating psychedelic trip off of some shrooms I’d bought. I felt somewhat hungry, both for food and for a “true” mushroom trip with self-revelations and all; though I knew I had to go back to my university campus to be back in my girlfriend M’s dorm for another experience. When we got back to M’s dorm I quickly brought out the bag of shrooms, to which she told me that she had to finish some homework before we could trip together.

At 1:11 pm, after she had finished her homework, we weighed and ingested the mushrooms; 6 grams for me and 1 gram for her. M noted the time and how it was an “angel number”. At about 1:32 pm, M’s trip started, triggered by some music playing from my bluetooth speaker, she began to cry, and I held her for some time before she began to have some revelations about herself that manifested in strange behaviour, like haphazardly taping her phone to her mirror and sobbing of the burden of consciousness. Around half an hour later, at ~2:30 pm, the come-up started. Disorientation, light nausea, and some minor visuals followed, with breathing walls and an overall sense of “daze” or “dreamyness” perforating about my ego and self; I felt as if I was in a dream, or some abstraction of a dream-like state of consciousness.

By this point both M and I were on the ground, and my perception of the colour of her room began to shift, with the oncoming sun and blue sky illuminating her room with blue light and an immediate perception of “significance” in all objects and perception, with vibrance in colour and detail. When I looked intently at a wall, it would start to breathe: its details pulsating and dancing around in wave-like patterns and significance. By this point, I was feeling somewhat nauseous, and I went to the bathroom in case I felt the need to throw up. While in the stall, I slumped down to my feet, and focused on the floor tiles for what seemed like hours. I saw each individual particle of the tile shift into different abstract and impossible formations, akin to Mayan architecture or ancient hieroglyphics.

When I’d stare at something for too long, the perception around that object would shift dramatically, either seeming impossibly large or quantumly small, but somehow both at the same time. When I went back to M’s dorm, she was on the floor, crying and droning of how she was in hell; how she was the most inhuman and pathetic being to exist, the lowest of the low. I reassured her of reality and how I loved her, and I gave her some Nux Vomica under her tongue to calm her down. Later, at around 3:00 pm, I decided to go to the university dining commons, to get M and I some food and to give her some space to sort her trip and experience out.

When I exited the dining hall, I put in my earbuds, and began to listen to “Burn” by Usher. By the time I was in the dining hall proper, the song had played repeatedly around 12 times. The entire dining commons was enshrined in a bright blue hue with colour and significant detail popping out at me. Though I was still in a somewhat dreamy state I felt clear, like I had passed a great barrier. I was free to interpret and contemplate my ego and what motivated my perspective on life. I realised that what I was looking for from this experience was already contained within me, that I knew what I needed to do with my life, that I was already on the correct path and was making the correct decisions every single day. I believed that I needed or would receive guidance from some entity that I’d meet during my trip, but what the shrooms had revealed to me was that I already knew whatever it was that I needed to explain. This was “god” in whatever abstraction that may elucidate, religiously, spiritually, and empirically.

Throughout this entire peak and well into the come-up whenever I’d close my eyes and meditate I would receive insane psychedelic visuals; of fractals rapidly dispersing and flashing in kaleidoscopic fashion; of people and feelings from my past and present, contained and observed in rapidly-expanding packages of perception and immense, impossible colours. I’d realised the illusion of intelligence, that we, as humans, constantly perceive and inform our ego and conceptualization of intelligent consciousness through perspective, and the stream of information motivated by perspective. I now know that I hold so much capacity for love and feel as though I am a conduit through which love and perception may flow through. I felt an immense sense of clarity and love for the world. I couldn’t believe how simple it all was; laid bare, deject for me to see that I needn’t contact some psychedelic “entity” or perceptual notion of “God”, but that God is within every prospective moment of my life;
I couldn’t believe how simple it all was; laid bare, deject for me to see that I needn’t contact some psychedelic “entity” or perceptual notion of “God”, but that God is within every prospective moment of my life;
and it is a guiding force for which the compass of this human heart may tap into, leading with great zeal into personal growth and inner-peace.

After making some green tea and preparing my food, I texted M and we exchanged affordances of both our experiences, of how sorry she was for letting me down, and of my assurances that she hadn’t let anyone down, and that she was one of the most wonderful people I’d ever met; who has so much life and potential waiting to be accessed, by which she is accessing every day.

At the half-way point of the peak, at around 3:20, I had stopped listening to “Burn” and listened to both “The Only Living Boy in New York” and “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” by Simon and Garfunkel and Neutral Milk Hotel; both of which reminded me of my past and future. During the peak I felt it perfectly encapsulated infinite love and hope for my future, and the future of humanity. I cried a bit during the experience of listening to both songs, as the revelations of what those songs entailed during the peak of my experience motivated me to do so; I felt vindicated, like a completely new person.

At the climax of this heightened state of awareness, I could only afford a few tearswept words before vanishing into a sea of self-actualization in the presence of awareness: “I know what my dad wanted for me”. I’d realised that through my relationship with my father, I had unlocked so much potential within myself, and I will always remain immensely grateful for his insightful parental guidance of my childhood. Along with my mother, of whom I’ve always had a phenomenal but prospective love for, unlike that of the introspection of my father, they had guided me along their footsteps in the foundation for my life.

When I returned to M’s dorm, at about 4:30pm, we hugged, cried, and talked for half an hour about our experiences. Hers was almost the complete opposite of mine - nightmarish, horrific, and experientially like a living hell. She came to the conclusion that she is not going to ingest any more substances, weed or psychedelics, and will just stick to occasional alcohol consumption. Ironically, though, I reached the exact opposite - that I should take more mind-altering substances, with an increased vitality and vibrance for life and the consumption of knowledge.

Intelligence exists at the border of perspective. Its illusion is that of empirical observation, that any construction of a degree of intellect in an individual is nanoscopic in comparison to what is to be understood, valued, and cherished. "To my father, thank you. To my mother, farewell. And to all the children, Congratulations!"

Exp Year: 2023ExpID: 117093
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Nov 13, 2023Views: 19
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Mushrooms (39) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Mystical Experiences (9), Music Discussion (22), Relationships (44), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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