DOSE:	2 glasses	oral	Alcohol
	3 g	oral	Mushrooms	(edible / food)
		oral	Chocolate	(edible / food)

BODY WEIGHT:

220 lb

I bought a bar of mushroom chocolate from someone in my area. I had done mushrooms countless times before, but never by myself and almost always in a party setting. I have been experimenting with meditation for about two years at this point and felt ready to give the mushrooms the respect I had so needed to give them. When I bought the chocolate, I held onto it for about a month waiting for the "perfect time," but I almost knew that was never going to come. During that month I experienced a pretty heavy emotional pitfall, and was back into my suicidal ideation that I have been struggling with my entire life. The night I ended up taking the chocolate was completely on a whim, and that turned out to be exactly what I needed.

I had just gotten off of work and met up with my father and brother at a bar. I hung out for about an hour and had a drink or two, then ended up walking home. On my walk, I was chastising myself, feeling like total shit, just having a difficult night mentally and I couldn't really get my emotions under control, my mind just kept wandering. I remembered I had the shroom chocolate in my backpack, and I thought, "Well, if I've been so intent on killing myself, I might as well go nuts."
One fear I've had for a long time that has kept me from taking psychedelics by myself is that stigma of "going crazy". I always think they're going to dig too deep and bring out something in me that should have never seen the light of day and I'll lose myself completely, forever. I've had a lot of bad trips, like a ridiculous amount, and that fear is at the core of it, just not surrendering to it. But this night, I figured it's kind of silly to be so suicidal and want to give everything up in that way, but not even be willing to lose my mind. I just threw everything to the wind and devoured the chocolate bar.

As I was walking I was extremely concentrated on the present moment, just chewing and walking and chewing and taking a step and taking another step, just bringing myself back to the moment again and again. My thoughts would wander, but I was determined to be there for everything the mushrooms had to offer tonight. When I finally got back home, I darted to my bedroom. I live with roommates and I couldn't remember what time I ate the chocolate, so I had no idea when it was going to kick in and I didn't want to start tripping in the presence of others. I closed my door behind me and went to lay in bed (I sleep on the floor) and stared at the ceiling. I thought about shutting the lights off, but that was almost too scary. As I felt the effects take hold, I closed my eyes and finally started letting my mind wander, observing every thought that passed by and where it led. My breath became deep and long, and every bit of anxiety that would show itself I would notice and then start following my breath instead of paying attention to the anxiety.

At some point I started to have the experience that I was watching the mushrooms inside of my brain connecting different neurons. Not in the literal sense, but more like there were beings in my brain plugging things in, taking one plug and plugging it in somewhere else, like they were trying to find the right combination to turn me on, like my body and mind was a machine or something and my soul was just watching it happen. Eventually they found a large "issue", which I'm seeing now was my dysphoria.

For context, I am a transgender male, I was born female and have had a female body for a large part of my life and transitioned to male later. I have had my breasts removed but I still have the same genetalia, and I still feel an intense amount of dissociation from that part of my body, and at the time of this trip I was in the process of working towards sex reassignment surgery. I also have hated myself for a long time for being trans, it's always been something that I've been ashamed of and have put a lot of pressure on myself to pass as a cisgender man so I can pretend I was never trans at all.

This is when the mushrooms started to speak to me. At this point, I'm still laying on the floor in my bed, my eyes are closed but I can sense every part of my body. It kind of felt like I was on an exam table, and there was some device scanning me that stopped at my waist. The mushrooms said "Listen to your vagina. It works through you." And then I did. And in that moment, it was just another part of this body I was inhabiting, this body that I loved very dearly because I use it to operate in the world, this body that I have been in for so long, and suddenly I wasn't so identified with it and identified with my hatred for it either. It was just there. And then I had to pee.

I got up from where I was laying, and caught myself in the mirror. I looked at my eyes, my face, my beard, my long hair, my necklaces, the sweater I was wearing, and I was just so happy. Just totally ecstatic looking at myself, like I was looking at my lover. Like, "that's the guy!! Wow!! Far out!!" I had never been able to see myself as perfect, but here I was! I left my room, and I guess all my roommates had gone to bed because all the lights were off in the house. I crept through the darkness, peering out the windows, just totally fascinated with my own movement and the new environment. I reached the bathroom and sat on the toilet and peed, finished up and ended up in the mirror again, just smiling away. I went back to my room and laid down again, closing my eyes.

There was still this question in me, of whether or not I should kill myself. Even though I could see how perfect everything was, I still wanted to escape it somehow, like either it was too much or not enough. The question was posed to me, "Do you want the esoteric nightmare?" It was asked in an exasperated tone, like "ugh, will this make you shut up?" I sort of shook my head no and moved on from it. I sat up and pulled out my journal. Earlier that week I had written up some pretty intense disciplines for myself, it was a meditation schedule that I was going to try doing, but I only lasted a couple of days doing it. I saw it in my journal and went, "Now that's crazy."

I flipped to a new page and started to write some affirmations, I was feeling this overwhelming sense of gratitude and I just started writing all about it, "I'm grateful for my mom, I'm grateful for my dad, I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm grateful for suffering and for bliss," etc. I started drawing, and drew some flowers and an elephant playing his trunk like a saxaphone. Every time I started to think my drawings were bad and started to doubt them, this motherly voice would come through and say they were very good, what else can you draw? Every so often I would pause and just sit in the feeling of being happy and blissful, totally basking in it, and then I would go back to drawing. At one point I tried to play music on my phone, but immediately I realized it was a total distraction and went back to drawing.

At some point I laid back down again with my eyes closed and let my mind wander again, and I started paying attention to different organs inside my body, just listening to them and watching each piece of my body working hard. The sunshine started to come through my window as the dawn became more obvious, but I didn't notice until I started to hear people talking in the living room. My roommate was doing an interview so I decided to leave the house, I had pretty much come down by this point. I took a walk around my neighborhood and felt so thankful and so at peace, like I was walking this fine line between life and death and I could witness all the suffering and all the beauty of the world with each step I took. It was perfect.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117305
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Apr 8, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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Mushrooms (39), Chocolate (182), Meditation (128) : Glowing Experiences (4), Mystical Experiences (9), Sex Discussion (14), Entities / Beings (37), Depression (15), Personal Preparation (45), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Alone (16)