DOSE:

6 g

oral

Mushrooms - P. cubensis

(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

Priors:

I previously tried a 1.5 and a 3 gram dose of the same batch of golden teacher. The experiences were wonderful and in hindsight I proved to be sensitive to the psychoactive effects. Although the doses were light I had beautiful visuals and amazing insights. These positive experiences coaxed me to try a heroic dose as described by McKenna.

The plan:

On a sunny and warm summer weekend I set aside a day when I had the time and space to go it alone. I planned out the process suggested by McKenna – solo, dark, but with the exception that it would not be quiet – I queued up a playlist mirroring the one used in the John's Hopkins psilocybin research studies. I set an intention to openly accept the experience in hopes of better understanding myself and my place in the universe.

The medicine:

I weighed out 5g of dried mushrooms. I looked at the measured pile and something from within told me to add another gram. Over the next few minutes I carefully chewed the 6 grams. I found the taste unpleasant but I continued to eat down to the last bit of chafe on the scale.

The experience, come up:

I went to my bedroom and sat up at the head of my bed. The sun rays entering my room warmed me to the coming experience. In about 20 minutes I noticed a thin veneer of brightness enveloping everything in my view. As I sit, legs crossed, each hand embracing the forearm of the opposite arm, I notice my skin no longer feels like my own. It feels rubbery, like chicken skin, as my anticipation of the coming storm begins to put my hair on end. I reach up to touch my face which feels cool and clammy. I pinch my nose and notice my skin does not smell my own. It smells foreign, chemical, chlorine and ammonia. I look out through the rays of light entering my room and begin to see fractals of white and blue.

The experience, hunkering down:

The sudden change in vision, touch and smell alert me to the fact that I must get situated. I put on my eye shades, headphones and with my shaky fingers grab my phone and start the music.

Over the next several hours I have several deep experiences. I deliberately avoided clocks or looking at my phone at this point. Investigating the music playlist after I learn that the order in which I remember these experiences occurring is not accurate. Some of the experiences map to specific songs on the playlist and the order does not align with my recollection.

Experience 1, likely the first:

I detach from my body and find myself staring down at myself from above. All the light in my room fades. I cover myself with a blanket as you might when tucking away a child before bed. I have the thought "I'm packing myself away". I believe this to be the entrance to ego death. From here on I remember experience not thoughts.

Experience 2:

I find myself in a rainforest. Moving about as if I am a camera on a boom. I observe grasshoppers and a chameleon. I hear the clicking of insects and the rain. I stare into the chameleon's eye and the scene fades.

Experience 3:

I find myself in a womb. I am surrounded by a color only matched by putting your finger over the bright end of a flashlight. That translucent, fleshy glow. Sounds are muffled and fluid. I feel pure love and happiness. Angelic tones leave me in awe.

Experience 4:

I find myself in an endless expanse of white. There is no orientation except for the sound of water drops. I orient toward the sound and I find myself looking down on top of an aloe plant (same kind I have potted on a shelf next to my bed) which turns into a green oasis in the bright white void.

Experience 5:

I get the sudden urge to vomit. I make my way to the bathroom and heave into the toilet bowl. I stand up to pee. I am startled by how foreign and fake my skin feels. I feel woozy and lay down on the bathroom floor. I feel as though I am melting away. My vantage turns to the third person and I observe myself, curled in the fetal position, on the cold artificial wood floor, melting into a puddle of the purest black. As my visuals vanish, so does my mind, so does everything.

Experience, the come down:

I eventually wake up and walk my way to an unfurnished living room, slumping down onto an area rug, stretching out in every direction. I lay there with no mind, flailing and feeling the carpet. I watched the Persian patterns of the rug swim and swirl. I have no clue who or what I am but I wanted to know. I had to know. I watch myself as if I'm another. My behavior is now erratic and autonomous. I hear voices outside that sound more distant than they are. I see neighbors are moving in next door and feel like I should go unseen. I walk to the kitchen and grab my car keys. I grab the doorknob to exit my apartment but some subconscious process saves me from that disaster. I find myself back on the Persian rug actively trying to remember who I am – remember anything – even just a word. I look at my bike in the corner and try to remember what it is and what I call it. I can't. I work my way through various facts of my life until I find my name. I say it. I keep digging to find my family. I found them. I keep digging and I find "bike" and I point to it. Then like a wave washing away a sandcastle, all at once the insanity vanishes and I return to my way of being. I am myself. I am consumed by a gratitude I haven't experienced before or since. I immediately take notes and check the time. It's been roughly 9 hours since consumption.

Looking back:

I am still dumbfounded by the depth of the experience. The change in sound, smells, touch, vision – all so astounding that I will never look at the world the same again. Any illusion of certainty, about anything, has vanished.

For several weeks I was haunted by the black out. Intellectualizing it after just made things worse. For several weeks I had the compulsive thought "How do I know I came out the other side of that blackout. Am I still in it?". In time I gave up on trying to be certain. Because there is no certainty. All we know is built on top of the unknown.

That's enough for a lifetime.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 117409
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 32
Published: Sep 23, 2024	Views: 16
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : General (1), Alone (16)