DOSE:

3.5 g

oral

Mushrooms - P. cubensis

(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

3.5g Penis Envy Trip

Some background first. I’ve been suffering from extreme depression for years. With my depression came addiction. Started binge drinking at 13 years old. I got into all kinds of drugs. Coke, MDMA, Shrooms, and then opiates. Fentanyl made me feel normal again. No longer did I spend my entire time trying to get laid because with Fent I didn’t even think about sex. No longer did I care what anyone thought of me. No longer was I worried about anything at all. Three years later and I was able to quit my fentanyl addiction. Then my drinking took over. I became a raging alcoholic. I stopped working and spent all my time drinking from the time I woke up until I passed out drunk. This went on for almost a year.

One day I decided I didn’t want to live like this anymore. So I decided I was going to start drinking and stop eating. I was going to do that until I died. After almost a week of this I woke up on a Friday morning and realized this wasn’t me. It wasn’t the happy person I once knew. I drank the last of my alcohol and instead of walking to the liquor store I had a friend drop me off at the hospital. I ended up going through a terrible detox where I was hallucinating like crazy. I spoke to a doctor who said she thought my drinking was from my opiate addiction. She handed me Suboxone and I haven’t had a drink since. While Suboxone and AA kept me sober it also stole 2.5 years of my life. I wasn’t happy. I was miserable. I was sober but I stopped living. I became a recluse and started feeling hatred towards the world. Not only did I still have crippling depression but now I had anxiety and insomnia.

I’ve been reading how micro-dosing shrooms can help with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a host of other mental problems. I’ve always been intrigued. My previous trips were all just messing around. I did have one amazing trip where I was able to see the energy coursing through everything around me and I even had an entire conversation with a tree. At that time I just thought it was a hallucination and chalked it up to that. For the last 2 months I have been micro-dosing about .1g-.5g every other day. It hasn’t helped me much at all. After reading story after story about the profound effects the heroic dose had I decided I had to try it. I was sick of living in a state of constant misery. I had just picked up 3.5g of Penis Envy and was planning on using it to micro-dose. So yesterday I took the usual .1g and after a bit I didn’t feel much. So I decided to take .4g more. I don’t know what got into me but I had 3g left and I just ate the whole bag. It wasn’t the heroic dose I wanted to take, but it was more than I have ever taken in my life at a time.

The trip started off slow. After about an hour I started to feel really disappointed. I went out for a walk around the block and was saying to myself how terrible it was that I took 3.5g and I am not even feeling anything at all. I was defeated. Decided I would go inside and my next trip would have to be 7g instead of the 5 I was planning. Then I sat down on the couch. I was sitting down with the TV on just staring at my fireplace mantle. The right side of it started to melt into itself and then it started waving around. I thought this was a cool little effect that I didn’t notice before. Then it hit me. I was disappointed about a trip that hadn’t even started yet. Now I was noticing the beginning of my trip. I was terrified. I thought to myself “what have I done?!”

Suddenly reality started to fracture. The room became just shapes of rectangles and straight lines outlining everything. It started to look like a drawing. I felt myself slipping away. I started getting really scared. I felt like I would either become insane or die. The more I resisted what was happening the worse it became. My anxiety about the situation was crippling me. Then a voice in my head told me, “This is what you wanted. You asked for this. You’re getting exactly what you asked for.” I started worrying about my family and how they would feel if I didn’t make it out of this. I began to feel extreme regret. Again I heard a voice inside of me tell me, “Just let go. If you die you will be fine. Your family will be fine. Everything will turn out exactly as it should.” I can't really say where this voice came from. It was my own thoughts but it was a stark contrast to the fear I was feeling. At that point I decided that it was ok. I realized there was no turning back. I was either going to die afraid or I was going to die while enjoying these final moments. I said out loud to myself, “This is what I asked for and I am fine with whatever happens. I am fine with dying.”

Once I made that decision all worry left me and I started to enjoy the fact that reality was breaking down all around me. Then I noticed something different. My mind was completely quiet. But it wasn’t just my mind. It was my inner self. I had the thought “wow it’s so quiet in here.” Then I noticed my own voice echoing inside of me. I closed my eyes and I was inside of this empty dark space. I knew right away this was me. This was who I really was. It seemed so vast I couldn’t tell where I began or where I ended. It felt infinitely big. A level of peace washed over me that I had never experienced before. I kept saying out loud how quiet and peaceful it was. I repeated “it’s so quiet. It’s so peaceful”, over and over again while feeling genuine joy. Then I started to wonder who that voice was before. Who that mean voice was before. I knew it wasn’t me. I was talking out loud still and saying over and over “who was that?” I realized it wasn’t me. I would never be so mean to myself. I was so perplexed as to who it could be. At that point of realizing the mean voice in my head could not possibly be me it hit me that the reason why it couldn’t have been me was because I was love. That’s who I was. And I repeated this over and over again. Just sitting there watching my room break apart telling myself “I am love. That’s who I am. I am pure love” was such a profound experience in itself. The feeling of this quiet emptiness didn’t feel lonely at all. It felt amazing. There wasn’t a single unwanted thought in my head. I never realized just how loud the inside of my mind was until it wasn’t anymore. And now that it was completely silent I was in awe.

Even though I had come to grips with possibly not surviving this trip I was still left with a single deep worry that I refused to face. Although, I am not sure I would have been able to face this one for the simple fact that I would have to try sleeping in order to do so. For some reason I just had a strong feeling that if I closed my eyes and went to sleep there was no way I was waking up. This one thing was a constant struggle for me throughout the night. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep but too afraid to do so until the trip wore off. Due to not even trying to sleep this fear remained something that only briefly touched me from time to time throughout the evening.

From here I started to wonder what the outside world was all about. By “outside” I mean outside of my own mind. I started to wonder why it was here with me. Why I was here with it. And without a thought about it I just said “This is here for us. All of this was made for us to enjoy. This entire world was made for us. It is beautiful and we’re supposed to enjoy it.” I stayed on the couch for a little while longer trying to figure out what my hands and body were. I noticed my chest moving as I was breathing and with that it seemed as if the entire room was breathing with me. I was trying to figure it all out. I knew what it was but I just didn’t understand it all. I watched the room expand as I took a breath in and then contract as I let my breath out. I was conscious the entire time, and although the room itself remained somewhat intact nothing about it looked the same to me. I stayed on my couch for a little while longer amazed with my surroundings and the body I inhabited until I finally felt as if the trip was winding down. When I felt this was happening I went to my bedroom and laid in my bed.

Within a few minutes of laying in bed staring at my surroundings I realized the trip wasn’t actually winding down at all. It hit me hard again. I got out of bed and this is where geometric shapes started to appear in my carpet. I felt drawn to it. So I sat down on my floor, crossed my legs like I was in grade school again and stared at the patterns emerging in front of me. Sitting here I was again overwhelmed with the emptiness inside of my head. Prior to this trip my head had been filled with incessant thinking, uncontrollable thoughts of suicide, and a constant barrage of negativity that was horrifically mean. Now it was empty. It was here that I found myself inside of my own mind jumping around for joy and dancing while I listen to the echo of my words bouncing all around me. I stayed there for a while until I found myself focusing again on my floor. I spent the rest of the trip on my floor repeating “it’s so beautiful” in regards to the emptiness in my mind over and over again. I did this until the geometry faded and the carpet returned. I noticed it had been around 5 hours and I mainly spent that time enjoying the quiet of my mind.

I went into this with the intention of finding something spiritual. I left it loving myself. It wasn’t a remarkable voyage I went on to a far away land but it was exactly what I needed at the moment.

Exp Year: 2024	ExpID: 118508
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 43
Published: Dec 8, 2024	Views: Not Supported
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Alone (16), Depression (15), General (1)