DOSE:

10 g

oral

Mushrooms - P. cubensis

BODY WEIGHT:

155 lb

The following is what I wrote after doing 10g (as measured by my scale) of (semi? mostly?) dried mushrooms I grew myself. I'm not sure of the potency. For context: I was suicidal at this point, so I didn't really care if I did damage to myself. I had done smaller trips with mushrooms before this point. Despite the intensity of the trip, it instantly cured my suicidal ideations and I never made any attempts at killing myself again.

I started by weighing out mushrooms until my scale said 10g. I then in batches, stuffed as much as I could chew in my mouth, chew, and swallow, along with drinking copious amounts of water. Mushrooms taste bad but not that bad, so it isn't horrible. I actually knew about lemon tech, and I knew going straight messes my stomach up, but I didn't go the lemon route. So most of the trip was dominated (probably luckily) by stomach cramping and pretty extreme nausea.

When I started feeling it (or it may have been me feeling the nausea) a little I went and layed on my bed. I think I turned off my lights, but I can't remember. First I remember getting absorbed in whatever hallucinations I was experiencing behind closed eyes lying in bed. I don't actually remember much from when I was laying on my bed but I figure it was pretty fuckin intense. Closed eyes fractals like a symmetrically wrinkled blanket with squares flowing in and out of the wrinkles. I would periodically open my eyes and look at my feet and around my room, which appeared normal as I was doing it. I looked at my phone at this point and it said 1:15, my timer app said 1:15, an hour fifteen minutes after ingestion. Looking at my phone later might say the same time despite a long time seeming to pass. I remember repeatedly looking at the timer on my phone and despite what felt like a *literally* infinite amount of time having seemed to pass, the time would not have changed or clicked over just one minute.

I had repeated impulses to be worried, to get help, to panic; but I always caught it and smiled and that made the experience positive again. My overwhelming sense of the experience after the fact is one of extreme positivity. Some time after +1:15 I got up to pee. I understood what I was doing. Afterward I couldn't remember if I had done it or not, and couldn't remember how long ago. I was half-heartedly practicing a prototype of a emotion training technique back then, and I can see that helped tremendously during this trip. I would have panicked if not for emotion training.

At around this time I essentially blacked out. I don't think I actually blacked out at the time, but I don't remember anything from +1:15 to +3:00. Probably around +3:00 I sat up onto the edge of my bed. The waves of nausea came while I was laying, and I thought at the time that I should be on the come-down (very wrong, very, very wrong haha). So I sat up to go and try to record my experience on my computer. I felt at the time that I may puke and was ok with that (or indifferent) despite emetophobia. Comes from being traumatized while sick as a kid. I haven't vomited since I was something like 12 years old. I finally (probably) overcame my emetophobia on a later trip because I took "too much" (around 3g) and was so paradoxically traumatized from this (this very story's) big trip, that I stuck my fingers down my throat trying to puke it back up. I didn't puke it back up and went on to have a very nice time lol.

While sitting up my best explanation what I was experiencing functionally is that the visual fractals expanded to everything else -- time, space, sense of self, etc -- moment of coherence in different aspects of perception that flow into each other, like lobes or facets that are individually normal and they combine and flow into one another. It's not just synesthesia of the senses but between every aspect of existence. As a very superficial way of visualizing just the perceptual part of this: picture a ship going into hyperspace in a star wars movie. This *definitively* doesn't even remotely do it justice, but I had an impression at the time of that visualization. Throughout, I had this sense of an underlying stable narrative which I interpreted at the time as that I could check in on myself by temporarily coming out of it and giving myself temporary lucidity (activating task-positive networks?) I remember after coming out of the everything flowing into everything else thing that I was absolutely awestruck. I was just speechless trying to understand what I had just experienced. I remember thinking that I has just passed through some kind of perceptual singularity and that nothing would ever be the same. That my existence was indelibly marked, and could be divided in half: what came before what I just experienced, and what came after. Probably somewhat right, in a different way than I was imagining at the time.

I should say that it was only years later, as I was having a dream one night, that I had a flashback to this trip in the dream, and (probably faithfully) re-experienced some of the everything-flowing-into-everything-else thing, and I realized that the hyperspace thing I had experienced was, at some level, like moving forward in a 3d hyperbolic space containing fractal geometries. It feels like I zoom in on something but I perpetually end where I left off, and the thing I was zooming into contains itself. When I zoom it, the thing, reveals itself again. But imagine zooming in like that into multiple different points simultaneously. This is just the superficial version, of course; the version I originally experienced was like this, but involving every aspect of everything simultaneously.

Examining this narrative at some point after +3:00 lead to seeing not just the narrative but meta-narrative, meta-meta-narrative, and transcendence of the N-meta-narrative sequence, and so on. I had been working on some mathematics related to this sort of stuff, and it was constantly on my mind. No surprise it worked its way in here. Impossible to describe at this point. Also I remember that at this point I was having a lot of fun, laughing, saying stupid pseudo-spiritual stuff. It was a good time. At some point around maybe +5:00 the narrative became coherent and stable with everything, everything unified into a single narrative -- the universe, god, whatever talking to itself through experience and existence -- creation -- and the signature of god is the full embodiment of the flow: the wave that is the interface between the past and future.

I've never believed in any gods. I didn't at the time. When I wrote god here I was almost certainly referring to the concept of consciousnesses manufacturing the apparent physical reality in idealism. ie: God here is a mind or collection of minds that generates the world around us through what, incidentally, amounts to fantasy or imagination or a hallucination -- though potentially a deliberate one. I don't actually believe in this model of reality, and I didn't at the time, but I had a very strong sense of it during the trip.

To better characterize how I sensed reality was during the trip: imagine a signature written in ink, now imagine the ink expands into a 3d volume while still being distinctly a signature, now imagine the 3d volume encompassing all matter in the universe -- where everything is made of the 3d signature, while it remains distinctly a signature, now imagine the signature also extends through time, so that the entire universe is one huge, 4 dimensional, hypercomplex signature.

I am just the current story god is telling itself, and it breaks the 3rd wall, actors interacting with audience, whom shouldn't exist in the context of the play, in that moment to talk directly in that moment into the story through the canonical Joe.I felt that I was a god-like entity creating this reality by imagining it. This entity is imagining a universe from the perspective of a single physical entity (the canonical Joe; ie: the Joe in the context of the story. Though, the godlike entity is the actual consciousness and agency of the canonical Joe). It is imagining that this Joe doesn't know it's actually a godlike entity. When I took the drugs I "broke the fourth wall" and Joe (me) was talking with the godlike entity, which really means the godlike entity talking to itself. I had a very strong sense of talking to myself as I was actually talking to myself (to be crystal clear: I was literally talking out loud while tripping, and I had the sense I was talking to myself (true!)).

I was at this moment just talking to myself and riding the wave. A common motif in this trip was waves -- waves in hyperspace, waves in the signature constructing the universe, and particularly waves of nausea, which is probably why I kept thinking about the concept of waves. I kept saying "ride the wave" like a stereotypical surfer dude in California. I felt it was pretty funny (it was pretty funny). Everything is the wave and certain things (like pee and my water jug) were obviously more wavelike. The veil on my growing cubensis, my growing mushrooms had a bag over them, and a light nearby lit them up, they appeared to be glowing because of that, my foreskin. I had just boxers on and they don't do a good job covering you while sitting, so my pp was flopping out -- it must have gotten stuck in my head the idea that mushrooms are very much like penises, and their veils / velum are like foreskin in a sense, the fabric of existence.

Around +7:00 maybe (2am) I perceived I was on the comedown and thing were normal (very wrong); nausea was better so I stood up. My perception was my room was all of existence. At this point I remember feeling like I had actually done serious damage to my brain or body because though I thought things were totally normal (absolutely not lol), I could barely walk normal. It was a serious struggle to even just place one foot in front of another. I also remember I had a oatmeal container in the corner of my room that I was using to hold pens and things and the guy's face on the container seemed to take up half the room. The room whole room too would occasionally grow incredibly large and sometimes shrink until I felt I was going to be crushed] -- the pedestal of the seat of god. I have truly no idea why I was using so much theistic language. I have literally never been a theist in any form. Standing and walking was hard and I thought that it was like learning to walk again -- everything felt unfamiliar and like for the first time. Even my own internal narrative, imagination, desires, memories, etc all felt unfamiliar and deadened. Even to this day my imagination works differently. Not necessarily better or worse, just different.

I tried looking at stuff on my computer and everything on it was just completely incomprehensible. I couldn't read anything. I got distracted with completely normal things on it (like the mouse movement, for example). I layed down to try to sleep at like 3am. Everything felt a little uncomfortable. At 6am I snuck out and grabbed some leftover rice from the fridge to ease the nausea. It was dry and hard to swallow. I had drank a lot of water around 2am and was peeing a lot -- peeing almost always felt normal. I had a bucket on the floor I was peeing in. It sounds gross and unsavory, but it was all well managed; and the pee bucket was only for the trip, I wasn't doing it habitually. Though, the bucket did get full of pee lol. I must have drank and peed out like 3 liters of water. Also, when I say here that peeing felt normal, I really mean it felt completely normal. When peeing, everything became like I wasn't tripping and looked normal. A few times while waiting to finish peeing, the trip started up again, but when I was done peeing and while moving back to whatever I was doing before going to pee, everything felt normal. Also note that I could be just hallucinating that I wasn't hallucinating. Had to drink water to swallow rice.

Later went out to eat breakfast. Talked to my mom and was nervous she would think something was strange. Was mush easier to talk freely, felt I was being my true self. By this I think I meant I wasn't really heavily under the influence of the drug at this point. During the +5:00 portion all my expression were pure and felt like my true self as well. I felt around that time like I was in a reality that was strange and I was normal, not that I wasn't normal and my perceptions of normal reality were strange. My sense of embodiment in my sober existence slowly returned. I felt back in the trip in waves which just slowly became less intense. At around +24:00 the waves of nausea were very weak. Still was under the influence; however, pupils stopped being dilated at maybe +14:00

I walked on a trail near my house some time in the range of +12 to +40. That was the first time I noticed colors seemed more vibrant, and everything felt more alive. That feeling was permanent and colors and things still feel more vibrant and alive. Then I wrote a synopsis or things I felt during the trip: Existence is god talking to itself. The trip never began or ended. The existence of the wave of experience between the past and future. The voice of god is existence. It is impossible to prepare yourself for this experience. Emotion control exercises work very well. Extremely positive. Very positive therapeutic effects interacting with people, perception of place in universe. Creation wasn't a singular event it is ongoing right now.

But the trip didn't end there! Although this was a very exceptionally positive experience, and it lead to immensely positive and permanent changes in my psychology, I experienced flashbacks that were paradoxically utterly horrible and terrifying for years afterward! I would be doing normal things and suddenly would feel like I was back sitting on my bed going through hyperspace. Although I don't actually believe the trip was still ongoing and this all was a hallucination, or that I was a god acting everything out, these flashbacks kept hammering that nerve hard and it sucked. Even writing that now, despite me knowing better, still gives me anxiety. I really don't have any idea why, because the concept during the trip felt natural and good, and everything felt fine. But, these flashbacks eventually dissipated into nothing, and I don't get them anymore.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 118606
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 28
Published: Mar 9, 2025	Views: 15
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), HPPD / Lasting Visuals (40), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Health Problems (27), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)