DOSE:	2 g	oral	Mushrooms
		smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

Preamble

The local church used to come by our apartment and drop off boxes of food. They really used to load us up. But we often found out expired food, sometimes yeasty breads or danish. So I took it upon myself to email their pastor and talk about it. Needless to say the pastor was displeased and defensive citing how it is perfectly legal to do so in America and it is for the greater good. I profusely apologized for the misunderstanding. Now, they have liaison with the apartment manager and it seemed like they must have a chat as about a year or so ago they stopped doing it.

However, we can still wait 2 hours in line at their church on Thursdays or Friday on certain dates and still get hooked up with box full of food. Truthfully speaking our family is really grateful, but the fact is they give many expired food that are fresh and not canned which have mold.

Now I live with a narcissistic mother. Although I tried to see the positive side, my mother, negative nelly as ever, always find fault. See, the thing is you need a dark spirit and narcissist like her to straighten up the empaths. Because our manager is an empath. Although she pretends to be good, the fact is she is unaware of her shadow. Anyway to cut a long story short - after a mushroom trip few days ago- I was with my mother who decided to give some leftover food to the manager since we had a party the previous day.

The kicker being she also gave a good portion of salad that we recently got from the church. The same church and the org that the manager used to have liaison with.

Now I can picture the inner thought of the manager when she must have heard I emailed the pastor. "You guys had to ruin it. Huh? Couldn't you be just grateful that you guys got free food? Now we have to stop it." I can read the empath's thoughts word for word as if there is a dual way of thinking. We are the fault finders and they are good guy.

So we couldn't find the manager. And suddenly I noticed there is mold in the strawberry. So I picked it up and flicked it away. Little did I know the manager could have been watching us from her room since we thought it was closed by mistake.

And that is where I appreciated the dark spirit of my monster mother who comes in the guise of Shiva to teach people a lesson. That is when I got the 'aha' moment about the PERFECT cosmic harmony of the Universe where God doesn't make a mistake.

I mean how would you feel now, dear manager? Surely when the food is being served to YOU, you cannot possibly just overlook if the food is moldy huh? Sucks when the table is literally turned and you had to be a guest huh?

I really enjoyed and appreciated the wit of Universe. But the nagging lingering feeling stayed that if everything is light and love how can someone as negative and malignant as my mother exist who emotionally abuse her kid and merely sees him as a tool and serve moldy food to the manager?

I mean I was starting the fit the pieces, but little did I know two days later what brilliant insight would dawn upon me!

Psychedelic trip set and setting

I mention the above story because it would be very much pertinent during my voyage. Fast forward two days later last night. I am driving from LA. As I was exiting the parking lot at LA, I scratched the car hitting the bushes. And lo and behold my narcissistic mother's mask came off and in front of everyone she was shouting and abusing me.

Since just few days ago I had a 1.5 grams of mushroom trip, my conscience was awakened and I couldn't take the abuse anymore. So I started to retaliate. In the full 1 hour drive I was angrily shouting and ranting and venting all the frustrations and grievances about how God created a reptilian monster like my mom who is devoid of empathy. If I am being completely honest, I was verbally abusing her and she was being quiet the whole time.

So I come home and decided not to smoke weed. Although 2 hours ago I smoked a blunt. Instead I get few puffs of swisher although I don't smoke nicotine, after downing 2 grams of dried psilocybin purchased from store.

The actual trip

I was absolutely down in the dumps and feeling devastated and guilty for hurting my mother's soul and spirit. But you have to understand my whole life she abused me emotionally. I get the whole kybalion "As within as without" part where my mother is manifesting as my shadow to teach me as a guru about boundaries and how too much empathy can be bad.

Anyway, I was like "Give it to me. IDGAF. Give all you got." Feeling all gangster talking to the mushroom energy. Cuz I know like all my two dozen other trips, it will give me ass whooping. In fact two days ago the peak came on shrooms when I found an online video about "cosmic joke" and instantly got it. Again. That I am it. That I am the golden buddha. That I am light. That I am unconditional love. That TAT VAM ASI.

That Sat Cit Ananda. That I am Brahman and Atman. The Great Self pretending to be this puny paltry weaky me.

Howv'r every shroom trip is different. I wanted a concrete sign this time too and not the previous "sign" of Cosmic Joke video. I made a mini intention of healing and healing relationships and for the medicine to give me precisely what it thinks I need at this moment of my life.

I am an experienced psychonaut at this point even though the most I took is 3.5 grams before. So I lied down in the dark and wait for it to kick in. The come up is subtle. And sure enough it started kicking in after an hour or before. The familiar nausea, inability to form coherent thoughts, dizziness, the FEELING of different worlds and perspectives firing at rapid shutter speed in my mind with eyes closed. But like the previous time I didn't get strong visuals where I go to different lands made of shapes and furs and metals and ancient land and future and space.

It is impossible to describe the trip. As it is very synesthesia like. I know psilocybin is a sacred medicine but I felt like Universe drugged me and about to date-rape me. This is what it must feel for the wretched poor women to undergo such brutal ordeal huh? It was absolutely aghast how could thugs do this to women. Because I felt like the victim there and then. And just like my previous trips I was like psilocybin is wayyyyy overrated and not sure why people do it. I decided to surrender.

But at one point or another, I decided to grow some balls and not take the abuse any more. I was like if I was gonna get punched by the universe might as well take it and go down swinging. So I sat up and logged into Twitter or X. LOL!

And as I was browsing suddenly I started feeling good to see so many different perspectives. I reactivated my account after a long time so it was fresh and the energy of the people were soft not toxic. As if that of empathy and understanding.

But I kept thinking of my mother as the whole day and mood was destroyed. About how could be so evil. And then in nauseating spin the thought of strawberry mold came up as to if it wasn't for her.. let me repeat that... if it was NOT for her evil narcissism, the food would not be served, and I would not spot the salad of the donation box with moldy strawberry and flick it off the plate. There is some hidden grand cosmic balance and beautiful precise order of GOD or BRAHMAN.

And then it happened. As soon as I thought so in synchronicity I saw a tweet that posted a cat-shaped strawberry with the ears. And I BURST OUT IN LAUGHTER. I got the divine cosmic joke. It was too much of a strong sign for me. It is just statistically impossible that at the precise moment this weird post would catch my eye which was an anomaly as I only get art and politics tweets.

Incidentally that was also the grammy night and I had to double check when Taylor Swift gave Beyonce the award. I was tripping balls that I didn't realize if it was Taylor at first even though I knew it was. I am no Swiftie or a Queen Bey fan but it was the perfect gesture of love and friendship and symbolism of grand unification and I really felt good.

So I browsed for a bit. It was about 2.5 hours in and I felt like I peaked. Strangely enough the butt whopping wasn't severe this time. Possibly because I am starting to piece together the puzzle and realize what my true Self really is. The more I learn the less severe the lesson tend to be. Sure in severity scale it was strong 8 and 9 at first and then after 20 mins 6. But after the initial brutal initiation pass away, the serotonin starts kicking in and I FEEL AMAZING. Like a body high.

I didn't really feel the need to smoke weed, but I felt it would take the edge off. Besides I really wanted to celebrate the Awakening and the whole cat-strawberry funny sign!

So I roll a mini blunt with some lemonade kush flower and after few puffs I gather myself together and sober up and go for a drive neatly stashing away the weed back at home so as to be safe and secure.

[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
And I felt like God when I was driving in the foggy weather with goa blasting full on. But the nagging feeling of my unresolved issue with my mother didn't go away. Anyway I had a good drive and decided to return home. As I came back and started to undress my jeans and jacket to wear home clothes, I saw my mother's beautiful picture on the wall. Like a narcissist she only has her own photos on the wall and only two of mine. And that's when the ex cathedra cosmic voice spoke through me:

"YOUR MOM LOVES YOU A LOT AND YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER A LOT. YOU ARE BOTH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. YOU ARE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AS IS YOUR MOTHER UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I felt tremendous peace and closure and even it may be I am hallucinating my own words so as to quell my pain, I started filling in the rest. That we are both Shiva and Vishnu playing this role of human - my mother a cruel narcissist and I am some pseudo-innocent naive empath. In reality, we are both the divine in disguise.

It was really a good trip.

Afterword
And next day I smoke a blunt more. I was at two minds if I should do weed since weed has lower vibration than Awakening vibration.

As I was smoking the blunt, I hear another voice whisper. "When you hurt others, you hurt yourself. This is your final lesson you needed to hear."

Exp Year: 2025	ExpID: 118706
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 42
Published: Sep 3, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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