DOSE: T+ 0:00	3.5 g	oral	Mushrooms - P. cubensis	(capsule)
T+ 2:30	3.5 g	oral	Mushrooms - P. cubensis	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

Set / Setting:
The living room of my current abode: nighttime, dim lights, no music or accompanying sounds after the come-up. I was alone, as a prefer to trip alone, but I cannot and will not condone tripping alone to those inexperienced or unprepared. I am 26, roughly 130lbs, autistic, AMAB, not exactly a shining beacon of mental stability, but a fond, lifelong explorer of my mind through means such as meditation, dreaming, and lucid dreaming. The purpose of this trip was to broaden my palette of experiences with mushroom trips, as well as experiment with methods of ingestion, due to being prone to intense nausea from mushrooms. I went in calm, aside from my usual pre-trip anxiety. Knowing that this was going to be a larger trip, I kept in mind that difficult feelings could (and inevitably would) arise.

The Report:
For some setup: It had been a bit of time since I last did a large mushroom trip, and so I had made a plan to do one the weekend I am writing. I began writing this well after the come-down of said trip. I went to a local store yesterday (3/21/2025) that sells mushroom products to get the materials needed for this trip: two 3.5g bags of ground Penis Envy capsules. I had been there before and was quite impressed with the results and findings of the previous trip I had done, as well as the quality of the product. I may write that one up as well at some point, though the details for it wouldn’t be quite as thorough as this one due to not going in with potential documentation in mind. That being said, this is the first trip I have done with documentation in my mind, though not at the forefront. This would turn out to be an odd trip to report due to the timings of my ingestion. I’ve grown fascinated with the online efforts centered around reporting and documenting the effects of psychoactive compounds as experienced by individuals.

At about 11:30pm, I began to slowly ingest the first 3.5g over the course of about 30 minutes, taking the capsules with some lemon herbal tea. I spent the time during this first come-up watching videos on the lore of various video games I enjoy. It’s not much, but it’s a simple distraction as I await the feelings of the come-up. I generally keep my trip environments very minimal. I’m autistic. As such, I’m prone to overstimulation even when sober, so I rarely have anything too engaging going on around me and keep my trip environments quite plain but calm. Once I’m tripping, even the sound of another person speaking is too much for me, so I often trip alone and at night where all sources of stimulation can be kept to a minimum to reduce stress.

From midnight onward for the next roughly two hours, I started to feel some light effects from the capsules I had consumed. These mostly consisted of a lightweight feeling in my body, minor tracers I could see by moving my hands about, and slight shimmering around the edges of high-contrast objects, such as the black picture frames on the light-colored wall. This trip overall would not be too spectacular as far as the open-eye visuals were concerned, but I was also in a dim environment for much of the trip. So, they wouldn’t have been very noticeable regardless. It was later, I must confess I didn’t check exactly when, that I went ahead and prepared the second 3.5g of capsules. If I had to guess, it was probably somewhere between 1:30am to 2:30am. I had initially wanted to tear open the whole 7g of capsules and just use the powder, but I also wanted to see how they would feel in their capsule form. I opted for taking the first 3.5g in the capsules and tearing the other 3.5g out and using it in some other way. I considered my options and opted for making some apples and cinnamon oatmeal with the powder blended in. The mushroom powder added a sickly gray color to the oatmeal, but the overall mixture didn’t taste bad at all. In fact, this one experiment alone is probably the best thing I carried out of this trip: ground shrooms in oatmeal. Give it a try if you’re an oatmeal fan! I’ll certainly be doing it again.

I ate the oatmeal alongside my casual video game lore binge. I still hadn’t begun to feel any effects intense enough for me to transition into my “lights out” mode, where I cut out distractions, lay down, and put on my sleeping mask to focus purely on the closed-eye visuals of the trip. In fact, I was a touch worried that perhaps the capsules were not all that they seemed. I’m admittedly not as experienced with capsules, as I tend to just buy dried mushrooms and grind them myself. However, it was in eating this oddly satisfying combination of “shroommeal”, as well as the capsules perhaps finally releasing at a similar time, that a proper come-up began to emerge. I think I may have unintentionally timed it so that it all ended up hitting me all at once anyways. I began to feel the body high really kick in, so I got up and paced around for a bit to stim my way through the come-up.

I eventually laid down on the couch and put on my sleeping mask to focus on the geometry. I saw soft, colorless bands moving slowly through the darkness, weaving in and out of one another. They’d sometimes manifest into parts of a feminine human face and then dissolve: a closed eye, a chin, a mouth. These shapes brought with them the impression of a warm and calming presence: a welcome feeling that I was content sitting with. I get the impression of there being an “other”. I’ve named this recurring presence “The Guide”. Part of the reason why I spend much of my time with my sleeping mask on during a trip is because, for me, the closed-eye geometry is part of what implies this “other”. It was also through witnessing those churning shapes and colors that I had first encountered them during a different trip.

I sat with the calming shapes and bands for a time, mulling over various thoughts and feelings which I felt safe to express in the company of such a kind presence. I felt the familiar feeling of loneliness I always feel when I am tripping. It’s an odd feeling of profound loneliness. It often has me simply muttering to myself over and over:

“I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone...”

I remembered a friend I had lost to suicide and cried gently for a moment. All the while, this quiet presence encouraged that I simply feel these feelings as they came and went. I must admit that I’ve been deeply lonely for my whole life due to being an outcast, an oddball, and coming from an abusive family. I don’t have the anchor of a family to look back to, especially after having moved out for the first time and cutting all contact. Tripping brings this profound lifelong loneliness to the forefront. I had to take off my mask to cry for a bit as I didn’t want to have a soggy cloth on my face.

At some point after this, I got up and fumbled with my bowl and mug over to the sink to wash up the dishes. This was only a fraction of the trip that was yet to come. After I cleaned up the dishes, I paced around a bit more. Pacing is a common stimming activity for me. I thought about how I was essentially just an animal with a complex inner language system. It was an interesting insight, as I often feel like I don’t communicate well with the animal I am. There’s always been a “two-ness” to me. I’ve felt, since a young age, like I am two in some degree or another, like there’s always someone else lingering behind me.

I began to feel quite happy and energetic in the aftermath of those now-passed emotions. I felt like I had gotten in touch with a primal part of myself. I felt like me, in a sense (whatever that really meant). I rode the waves of this joy as I paced, occasionally prancing and dancing. I was with it, but as that energy built and built, something happened. All of that joy led up to a moment where I paused in a moment of odd reflection. Something was off, but I wasn’t sure what. And in that pause where I questioned this growing energy, all of that energy and joy rapidly turned into dread, flipped on its head. In a moment, all of that joy had become what I quickly recognized as a panic attack as the familiar feeling of doom consumed me. I’m not sure why this occurred at an otherwise joyous moment, but I feel it was the come-up finally, and rapidly, accelerating toward the peak. My heart rate began to rapidly increase, and all of the familiar physiological signs of a panic attack ensued. I walked to the sliding glass door of the living room and stepped out onto the balcony. The air outside was cool and fresh, and so I sat down and began to focus on my breathing and heart rate. I reassured myself that every moment spent in this state, regardless of how miserable, was one moment closer to peace.

Coming down from the panic attack felt like forever as the irrational dread and doom spun around in my mind. My focus was mainly on my breathing and heart rate. I knew the thoughts could not be reasoned with, but my body could certainly be calmed with focus. I also knew this occurred some time between about 3:15am and before 3:30am. After spending some time outside cooling off (figuratively and literally), I went back inside to lay on the couch once more. I was now in a state of mild depersonalization coming down from the panic attack, and my body was in a constant buzz. I was fidgeting restlessly, doing what I could to manage the stress levels. I watched as the clock dragged on, minute by minute, closer to 3:30am. Time was grinding to a crawl, and my brain felt like two slabs of concrete rubbing against one another. Everything was grinding slowly. I used the distraction of, naturally, reading the Wikipedia article on panic attacks. Perhaps a bit masochistic, but it was actually a plain enough read and a steady flow of information to bore my brain. After that, I laid back and did a quick check in on my physiological state. My heart was no longer pounding, my body was at rest, and nothing was amiss or of note, regardless of what my anxious brain wanted to convince me of. There was that lingering depersonalization, and I felt waves of difficult feelings come and go. I knew that I had reached a heavier stage of the trip at this point. I remember saying to myself, “Nothing like a good panic attack to make you glad you’re alive.”

Sometime after around 3:45am I felt what could only be described as a rapid disassembly of my mental state and sense of self. It felt as if my thoughts and emotions were a swirling storm outside, and I stepped outside during the height of the storm for a brief time. One after another, thoughts and feelings, but mostly thoughts, slammed into me like sheets of rain and branches tossed about in the wind. It felt as if my thoughts were physical and ramming into me, one after another as they came and went. As intense and chaotic as this state was, I wasn’t at all distressed by this because at this point, this was when that recurring other, The Guide, stepped in. I felt my sense of self dissolve in this storm, and in the place of what was once me, The Guide seemed to insert themself into the, for lack of a better term, “driver’s seat” of my mind. I closed my eyes and watched a tempest of rounded fractals of dull black, pink, and yellow tones swirl rapidly around behind my eyes, and I began to speak to myself in a tone utterly disconnected from my day-to-day thinking: the stern presence of The Guide.

The general vibe of my mutterings in this altered state, which came with intense time dilation and depersonalization / derealization, were akin to: “Ok, ok… That’s it… I need to step in. You’re wandering too far. You don’t know what you’re looking at. I know what you’re looking at, but you don’t know what you’re looking at. You can have your peek behind the curtain, but you’re not wandering far because it’s way too easy to get lost. You wanted your ego death? Here’s your ego death. Don’t ask me who I am. I don’t even know who I am. You chose this. If you want to go somewhere else, just tell me and we can go there when we’re done here, but for now, go out and live. Come back later.”

The entire attitude was as if I was grabbed by the shoulders and whacked over the head with an empty paper towel roll for daring to stray into this altered state. I’m not sure how long this state lasted, but it wasn’t very long. However, the time dilation and disconnectedness I was feeling made it impossible to measure. Everything was moving so quickly in the torrent of thoughts, ideas, and shapes behind my eyes. It truly felt like my sense of self had been swapped out to keep me anchored through the storm, while also scolding me in the process. This wasn’t the first time I had been given a stern talking to by The Guide, but usually such talks occurred in my thoughts through the perceived presence, rather than an intense and invasive intrusion into my self. It’s actually the primary reason why I don’t do heavy trips too often. I usually stay just below the threshold of encountering them, as I know they’ll be waiting for me if I go too far and, once more, scold me for wandering off. I can wander about within certain limits, but this time I obviously crossed the line. An interesting thing of note is the persistent implication that the geometry behind my eyes is something The Guide can read and understand but that I can’t. Like it is a space The Guide can seamlessly navigate, and I am just being given a tour. Someday, after I have my life together, I’ll cross that line again. I know I’ll do so, and The Guide certainly knows I’ll do it again too. That’s why they’re there, I feel.

After the storm died down, I came back to more familiar senses. I felt like I was an ambiguous puddle of thoughts and feelings. I thought about my family. I thought about my mother. I’ve wanted so badly, for my whole life, for my family to see me and love me for who I am as I know myself, not what they think an appropriate Human “should” be. This thought didn’t last long as this temporary shape of thought melted back into the puddle, and I went back to resting. From here, the come-down had begun. I felt odd waves come and go, and my memories and time seemed to wander. I eventually migrated to my room to lay in my bed with the lights off. I watched the residual dull bands of color move across the dark ceiling. I peered out the window by my bed. An orange third-quarter moon was resting above the trees.

It was close to about 4:30am. I thought about my friends and people I’d like to talk to and know. I thought about how I’ve found myself amidst the restless rabble of the people who have no true anchor in life: no family, no home, no lighthouse to look to when lost. I’ve always been lost, and now it’s been up to me to learn to stand up on my own, to stand out as who I am. I want so badly to just reach out to people sometimes, but my social anxiety often prevents me from just taking the leap.

From there, the trip came to a close, and I watched as the sky slowly came alight with sunrise. I spent a lot of time quietly lounging and taking in all that I had experienced. It felt like just moments before I was being tossed around by the storm in my head, but now all of that time had passed in what felt like an instant.

Happy travels, everyone.
Stay safe.

Exp Year: 2025	ExpID: 118833
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 26
Published: Jun 25, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Alone (16), Entities / Beings (37), Glowing Experiences (4), Health Problems (27), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)