DOSE:

4 g

oral

Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

98 kg

Psychological Background: About 8 months prior to this experience, my mother had a stroke and passed away. This was a profound loss for me, but a few weeks after this loss I had become quite numb about what had happened. I was unwilling (or perhaps unable) to access my emotions about her passing. It was just too painful and I felt like I had to ‘function’. I also have a history of depression.

Psychedelic Experiences: This was my third psychedelic experience. Prior to this I had taken psilocybin mushrooms and LSD once each.

Set and setting: I won't get into specifics, locationwise, but I was in one of the Subcontinent’s northern mountain ranges when this happened. This was my first time seeing this kind of landscape and being surrounded by this kind of natural grandeur is quite a trip in its own right. Two days prior to this experience I had completed a three-day trek which was (for my fitness level) quite strenuous. I believe the exercise had a good impact on my trip. Not to mention the psychological benefits of being away from the city, from my job and not having access to the internet for a few days.

As far as mindset goes, I had set the intention that this trip would be about processing my grief. I had prepared myself( as much as I could) that this trip could get quite intense.

Dose: 4 grams, dried. This is the largest dose I had ever taken at the time. I am unsure about what specific strain of psilocybin mushrooms these were.

The trip: I was with two friends. A girl who we’ll call A, and her boyfriend S. A was tripping (her first time), S was not. We were at a commercial campsite, which was big enough to afford us some privacy.

S and I ate the mushrooms straight up. This was not pleasant, it felt like eating cardboard. The chewed up dried mushrooms stuck to the inside of my mouth and I had to drink plenty of water to wash them down.

The first effects I felt from the mushrooms were not pleasant. Gastric discomfort, and an immediate desire to sit down as a very strong body load overtook me. There was a bench nearby but S was lying down on it, since her tummy also felt queasy. I found a tree and sat down at its base, leaning my back against it. I started feeling some nausea and remembered that on my last shroom trip, deep breathing had helped me overcome the nausea. I started purposefully and mindfully pushing my diaphragm in and out with each breath.

At this point, I realized the trip was about to start, and there was no going back. I started feeling this great sense of anticipation.

I felt quite helpless, leaning against that tree, bent over from the cramps in my stomach. I focused on breathing and kept a tight grip on my water bottle with one hand, almost like it was a talisman, like no harm could come to me as long as I had that water bottle clutched in my hand.

Then I felt it. Grief. Pure unfiltered heartache was rising out from the depths of my soul. There was nothing I could do but feel it. Experience its weight. I realized at this point how much of it I was still carrying. For the past 8 months I had pretended that I was “getting better”. That I was “getting used to” my mother not being in this world with me anymore. But I realized then that I had been lying to myself.

This is when I started to cry. Tears spilled from my eyes as I opened my mouth and howled. I think this was the hardest I have ever cried in my life. I was bawling so hard that I was actually drooling.

But it felt good. It felt like I was regurgitating the grief I was carrying in myself.

And I let go. I let myself wail like a newborn baby. And each sob that escaped my mouth, and each tear that fell down my face felt like I was letting go of a little part of the sorrow that had been burdening me, and not just since my mother’s passing.

The body load, along with the sheer force of my sobs kept me bent over my legs, so I was looking down as this was all happening. It felt like I was seeing the world in detail that I had never seen before. I could see details in the soil, pebbles and blades of grass that I don't even have the words to describe. Plus, if I stared at the ground hard enough, it felt like I could see through it. I could see bugs crawling under the surface, along with different kinds of rocks and roots. If I looked up I could see dust particles suspended in the sunlight that I would never have been able to see sober.

Eventually, the earth started breathing. Expanding and contracting in rhythm with my own breaths, inhaling and exhaling with me.

This is when I heard it. My mother’s voice. Coming out of the ground.

“I am your true mother.” the voice told me.

Except it wasn’t my mother speaking to me. This was the planet itself. Mother Earth. Without whom no life would have been possible. When I heard her speak to me, a kind of ecstasy overtook me. I felt washed over by love. Like I was drowning in a kind of benevolent passion that is hard to describe.

Then I heard another voice. Coming from the sky this time. It was my father’s voice. And it was coming from the Sun.

“I am your true father” it told me.

The Sun speaking to me was very different from the Earth speaking to me. Firstly, the sunlight itself intensified with the tone of the voice I heard coming from the sky. Also, his voice sounded very powerful and intimidating. It made me want to shield myself from its intensity.

At this point my consciousness was overtaken by cosmic visions of our solar system being born from stardust. This felt like I was being imbued with the knowledge that there was a time when the Sun, the planets and all the life on Earth did not exist. Then they came into being through either the process of random atoms colliding with each other, OR through the hand of God. And that a day would come when all of this would go back into nonexistence. This is the way of the Universe. People and things are born. They stay for a while. And then they die. Just like my mother.

When the visions subsided, I realized the trip had eased up somewhat. I was on the comedown now. I got up from the ground and dusted my clothes off. I looked around and saw A still lying on the bench, tripping hard as S looked over her.

“Is she okay?” I yelled over to S.

“Yeah” he replied. “Just tripping balls”.

I told S I was going to the camp kitchen to grab some food. I was starving. As I walked there I realized the world looked beautiful. Colors were enhanced, and I could notice patterns in the leaves and trees that I couldn't have ever noticed before. I got myself some lentils and rice and ate in silence, contemplating what I had just experienced.

Trip Aftermath: Ever since this trip, I have seen the world as a chaotic atomic soup. We and the world we inhabit are but parts of a constantly changing sea of particles colliding with each other. Sometimes these particles come into formations that we think of as humans, animals, plants or even planets and stars. These formations exist for a while, but then they reach the end of their lives and their particles begin to disperse, and go on to create new formations elsewhere. When this happens to our loved ones, it is definitely heartbreaking. And it is not only okay to grieve for them, it is necessary for us to move on.

In the end however, the grand sequence of atoms and particles swimming around the Universe must continue. It is unstoppable and beyond our level of comprehension. Some people call this grand sequence “God”. I am not sure if that word is appropriate to describe it or not.

I would also like to add this trip was not some epic conclusion to my grieving process for my mother. Please be careful using any kind of substances after losing a loved one, including psychedelics.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 119167
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 30
Published: Sep 4, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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