DOSE: T+ 0:00	3.5 g	oral	Mushrooms - P. cubensis	(ground / crushed)
T+ 0:00	repeated	vaporized	Nicotine
T+ 1:30	5 g	oral	Kratom	(tea)
T+ 1:30		oral	Vitamins / Supplements
T+ 4:00	2 hits	smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

145 lb

Uncut Penis Envy Shroom Therapy

Background Information:
To set the scene, I am mildly experienced with psychedelics and had done street mushrooms a few times before with both good and bad experiences. The first time I did them, I was 16 and took 8 grams of shrooms, which was too intense and landed me in the hospital after the shrooms didn’t wear off and I had to go home to my parents (who noticed I was acting strange to say the least). That experience included a lot of hallucinations including trees shapeshifting in the forest, tables melting at Tim Hortons, myself acting like an animal and talking like I was possessed.

I did shrooms again a few weeks after that with a slightly smaller dose and had a much better experience, except my friend wigged out that time and became an animal on the street, and someone called the police. When I talked to the cops, the police didn’t have any faces, just skin where their faces should be, but I acted normal and they let me go home.

I smoked a lot of weed growing up, did some LSD, and a lot of MDMA at raves and parties. I loved MDMA and weed but magic mushrooms always left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth due to the uncontrolled nature of the experiences. I could never really enjoy the trip and was adamant that magic mushrooms weren’t useful psychologically.

After weed became legal, dosages grew stronger and I think I may have smoked too much for too long because at 21, I had a psychotic break that lasted many years. I thought I was on a mission for Jesus to save people from the coming apocalypse. I had just graduated my psychology program at university and this unfortunately derailed my dreams of opening a psychedelic therapy center, which was what I previously decided I wanted to do with my life. On the surface level, this was a standard Christian conversion and I made a lot of friends in the church that validated all my feelings and experiences. I remain a Christian, but at 28 years old I started to explore other spiritual paths as well including magical practices and Eastern meditation.

When that “break” happened, I stopped doing drugs completely for a while. I felt like I could feel evil spirits around me constantly, controlling the time, controlling the people around me, giving me night terrors, and I felt like I was in a constant battle with the devil. I got very interested in conspiracies such as “Illuminati” and when COVID hit, I moved out of my parents house because I was convinced they were going to turn into robots or aliens. Looking back, this was probably undiagnosed schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder as I fit all DSM criteria for those disorders. I also was told that I had bipolar disorder by a psychologist, but I rejected that idea and thought my therapist was a quack.

Around 7 years later, things started to lean out and I was feeling somewhat like my old self, started smoking weed again, and was very interested in learning about spirituality. I began researching and practicing astral meditations and learning about magic (i.e., candle meditations, mirrors, crystal ball meditations, tarot cards, etc.). I feel like psychologically, I was at my highest point. I felt extremely grounded and was making plans for the future, making new friends, and I was able to connect with people romantically again which was something I hadn’t done in many years.

I also got back together with my ex-girlfriend who enjoyed harder drugs which I never liked, such as meth, crack and cocaine. I had done cocaine a few times but never understood the joy in that drug like others did. Cocaine just made me feel very agitated, like I drank a lot of coffee, and I would speed-talk uncontrollably. We did some of those drugs while we were together and this also became my introduction to kratom, which I usually made into tea. At some point, I went to a friend’s house and we ate a mushroom chocolate bar after I had not done mushrooms for many years, and it was a very mild experience; nothing like I was used to. I just felt very happy and high and I think it increased my libido.

At the end of that relationship, my life started to spiral. A family member had passed, I was very poor and on the verge of homelessness, and hardly had any friends left. I wasn’t eating right or meditating anymore, and I started to feel spiritually dead inside. I mostly just worked, played video games, watched porn and drank alcohol. I would spend time on forums discussing the idea of committing suicide and though I refused to go to a doctor to discuss these ideas out of fear of being institutionalized, I believe I had clinical depression. I had read too much about the lasting negative effects of SSRIs and antipsychotics to seek medical treatment as a viable option.

Soon after, I experienced a housefire after an electrical box in my apartment exploded and I had to move multiple times in only a few months. The depression became very serious. I had been focusing solely on my office job and nothing else, but was afraid that I might do something to hurt myself soon, which is something I never imagined could happen to me.

After work one day, I was in Downtown Toronto and something came over me that I needed to make a change, and I wanted to try having a spiritual experience on mushrooms. I went to a dispensary and bought 7g of Uncut Penis Envy mushrooms. I also went to a few other stores, bought some shamanistic clothes, a few pre-rolled joints and some kratom.

BEFORE THE EXPERIENCE:
I put a lot of forethought into how I was going to tackle this because I had no babysitter. My worst fear was breaking my laptop while on it so I set some ground rules about using the computer. I put my phone on airplane mode and promised myself I wouldn’t leave the apartment. I was on an empty stomach but decided to eat a peanut butter sandwich.

I made a plan that I would clean my apartment on the come-up, take a bath, and then meditate for hours while on the shrooms.

T= 0:00
I took a little less than half the 7g bag and ground up the mushrooms in a magic bullet style blender, and ate the shrooms and then washed it down with water as a toss-and-wash. I immediately started racing around cleaning the apartment because I wanted it to be clean for the experience. I did the dishes and listened to music, and smoked my vape.

T= 0:30
I started to feel sort of euphoric playing with the bubbles, drying the dishes and putting them away almost like I was dancing. I smoked my vape and would blow it into the light above me and just watch the clouds, and I could tell I was feeling good, but nothing too crazy. I went to run the bath and decided if I didn’t experience a noticeable come-up in an hour, I would up the dose to a full 3.5g.

T= 1:00
The apartment was fully clean, I was feeling good and decided I would grind up some more shrooms and do another toss-and-wash. Immediately after doing this, I remembered I should probably go to the bathroom because I didn’t want to use the toilet while I was tripping hard, so I went and did that.

While I was using the bathroom, I was looking down at the floor and that’s when it really hit me. All of the paint on the tiles started moving around and I was getting very nice visual hallucinations. The music in the background sounded absolutely amazing. I was feeling great.

I lit some incense and candles and everything I was doing felt like it was in perfect time with the music. When I shut the light, the room looked like a royal bath.

The water felt so good on my skin as I was using the soap. I was smoking my vape, listening to the music and just enjoying the warmth of it all. It all felt very sensual and I felt sort of horny.

When I was done in the bath, I started using the towel and this towel is not by any means a soft towel. It’s kind of rough. But when I used it on shrooms, it felt like the softest silk blanket wrapped around my waist and I couldn’t believe it. It felt very fluffy. I decided before I put on my clothes I would lie in bed and try and watch some internet porn, which started mildly enjoyable. However, it quickly became too intense. It felt like the room was pounding and I stopped, feeling a bit dejected that I wasn’t able to have an orgasm on the shrooms.

T = 1:30
I started to fall into a moral spiral that became a bit worrying. I was unraveling some things in my mind about carnal pleasures and how I may have an addiction to porn that’s unhealthy. I looked in the mirror and felt like I looked amazing, which is not usual for me. My self-esteem started to lift a lot during this trip and I started talking to myself in the mirror. I got dressed.

I kept talking to myself and the talk felt like it was coming from someone else completely, and the speech was very eloquent and not like anything I’d spoken before. I really felt like this was my higher self talking to myself and explaining life. I suddenly started talking in a British accent and I could not turn it off.

I went and made some kratom tea by putting the kratom in my coffee maker and also downed a bunch of random vitamins. I went back to the mirror sitting cross-legged on a pillow, drinking this tea and talking to this unrecognizable British man. He was so cool. I loved him and wish I could be that composed and confident all the time, because I know that this person that was talking to me was me, a much more likeable version of me. He had this kind of fatherly energy and was talking to me like a dad talks to his son who he loves and wants him to succeed. My face started to shapeshift into a very good-looking version of my face. I started to make jokes to myself and was making faces in the mirror watching my eyes and cheekbones changing, even making scary evil faces that was making myself laugh.

I made so many jokes that I thought were hilarious. I looked in the mirror and told myself, “Remember that time you did shrooms when you were 5? And now you’re 55!” I started to really unravel why those experiences weren’t good and how I’m a grown adult, much more experienced and mature, and this experience is the peak shroom experience. I forgave myself for everything I ever did wrong and started to talk to myself about the hate that I’ve been feeling in my heart, for myself, for my family, for my landlord, for all the people that have wronged me in the past, and I just felt this overwhelming sense of forgiveness for everyone and everything that ever went wrong. I started to empathize and saying to myself that we are all just human, and we have to accept other people. Hate is not something for us to ruminate on and it’s important for your soul to let go of this feeling.

T = 2:00
I picked up my ukulele and played a spiritual song I wrote a long time ago and I felt like I was really vibrating the music in a way that was compelling and sounded amazing. I was singing better than usual. There seemed to be a white aura in the air and I felt angelic.

I took all of the oranges in my fridge and organized them on the table, making jokes to the oranges and to myself about the oranges. I peeled one and ate it, and it tasted really good. I felt very proud of how well I was handling the shrooms, because I took a lot of care in respecting the drug, setting the scene, and making sure my body was well fueled with music, kratom and oranges. I wanted to drink more tea and sit in my music room with some candles. At this point, I felt pretty manic in a funny way, still British, and was dancing around my apartment playing the ukulele. I have random mirrors all over my apartment walls and any time I would walk by one, I would talk to myself and make some kind of joke.

I remember at one point, I was standing to take a leak, and still, my “higher self” or whatever it was kept talking to me, and I had this funny back-and-forth with it . Looking back, I actually did feel possessed. I can only describe it as another person, and he was talking to me about how I need to be nice, and I just randomly yelled “I’m Nice!” and he chuckled and was like, “be nicer…” and then I laughed too and said “alright, I can do that.”

I went looking for candles because my music room is just a closet with no lights. I kept warning myself not to burn down the house and of course this was a risky move, but I was confident in my ability to put out the fire if one started. This shroom trip was nothing like I imagined; I thought I would black out like most of the other times and not understand completely what was happening, but I was actually extremely clear minded, just seemingly in another dimension.

For example, the dimensions in my bathroom were completely different than what they actually are, which is something I only really recognized after the trip. During the trip, there was a massive space in between the bathtub and the toilet, but the next morning I looked at it and realized there is barely any space at all there. My laptop felt much wider when I was tripping.

T = 2:30
I went in, lit the candles, and was in this tiny, dark fiery room. I turned on Spotify shuffle and the music that came on was extremely dark and bassy. I started laughing like, wow that was scary. I then proceeded to play some songs by looking at chords online and all of the words were glowing and had a colorful outline, and the computer was seemingly vibrating. The music’s energy felt different than usual, in a good way, and so many times I felt like I should be writing music while on the drug but ultimately decided not to. I just felt large bursts of creative energy flowing through me and I truly felt magical. I would play classic songs with completely different chord progressions and they sounded like new songs or alternate versions.

T = 3:00
Things started to get really intense at this point and I felt like 8:00pm would be a reasonable hour to go to bed and sleep it off since I only slept for 5 hours the night before. I went and laid down in my bed and tried watching a movie. This was a pretty strange experience. It was difficult to follow the movie even though it was one I watched many times. For most of this trip, I felt like I was on MDMA except it was much cleaner without all the typical stimulant effects that are ugly i.e., grinding teeth, sweating. The actors in the movie looked really beautiful. I kept thinking about it and claiming shroom’s superiority over MDMA, which was something I never thought I’d do, because I really loved MDMA.

I stopped watching the movie and decided to try writing a bit about the experience which had been overall, very psychologically beneficial. I completely stomped out the idea that I would ever kill myself and how that would be a ridiculously sad ending to such a beautiful story of my life, and I felt so loved and cared for, like someone would really be sad if I did that. I’ve had a falling out with my family members and am pretty much alone except for clients and coworkers, but during this whole trip I felt like I was really special and life was worth living. I had forgiven everybody including myself. The drug was unlocking parts of myself that I couldn’t access for a very long time, which made me happy, and I was feeling like myself again, who I was before all the depression started 6 months ago.

I tried writing some things about the experience but my thoughts were moving way faster than I could type and I couldn’t properly articulate everything that had happened during the trip. It all felt like a movie that I was the starring actor in, and I had talked to myself about this in the mirror before, in monologue-form, and the script was unbelievably good. Still, I couldn’t write any of it down. Even now, the experience feels relatively mundane to try and recount, like a “you seriously had to be there” moment. It felt like I was at an amusement park, but I was just alone in my apartment.

I decided I wasn’t tired and wanted to go outside and try smoking some weed to tire myself out.

T = 4:00
I put on some heavier clothes and kept looking in the mirror telling myself to act natural. I was still tripping and I didn’t want anybody to notice, but I thought I looked pretty normal. I kept debating whether or not to go outside, like I would get swept away by the wind if I did, but eventually decided to go smoke this joint.

When I got outside, it was a chilly and dark October night. Trees were swaying and I huddled along the sidewalk to find somewhere on the street to smoke. I tried lighting it near a Tesla and suddenly the lights flashed on because I got too close, which scared the shit out of me.

I kept walking but was pretty sure if I walked too far I would get lost, so I just started sparking it near a fence. I took one hit of the joint and it burned my throat so bad. I’m usually a bong smoker but hadn’t smoked any weed in a long time and completely bitch-toked. I started coughing very loudly and it was like this belly cough I’d never done before. I was feeling like I could possibly throw up. I decided this was a horrible idea and quickly stomped out the roach after only 2 puffs, and started huddling back to my apartment to continue watching the movie.

T = 5:00
The trip was seemingly wearing off and I started to feel a bit better and chilled out. I started talking to ChatGPT about how crazy it was, that I felt like I just got home from a theme park. I was hungry but didn’t want to cook so I ordered a pizza. After eating, I decided against my better judgement, and against all of the spiritual unraveling I had just done involving stopping carnal pleasures for spiritual gains, to try watching porn and masturbating again. It felt way better than it did before, however I strangely could not come which was very uncharacteristic and worrisome. It took a few hours and I finally ended up falling asleep.

Afterthoughts:
Today, I feel pretty good, a lot more introspective, and will try and remember all of the lessons that shrooms taught me yesterday. I really want to keep that confident energy I had during the shroom trip into my normal sober life. It’s not as amplified as it was last night. Who was that amazing person that I was with? I really wish I was him. I definitely feel like I want to make some positive changes in my life and that I won’t ruminate on death like I had been doing. I have a lot of hope that I will actually become that higher self one day if I work hard at it.

Exp Year: 2025	ExpID: 119301
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 30
Published: Mar 3, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66), Kratom (203) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3), Alone (16)