DOSE:

0.3 g

oral

Mushrooms - Panaeolus cyanescens

BODY WEIGHT:

76 kg

I have prior experience with psychedelics, but until then I had mostly used them to have fun and enjoy their effects. I used to think that I didn't really receive insight from them because under normal circumstances I can already see quite clearly how I feel, what's going on in my mind, and in general, why. This particular trip is different.

About one month prior, I was introduced to IFS therapy, and saw its potential for my longstanding psychological issues. I wanted to see if psychedelics could help with that.

I reserved a day at home for my trip, so I knew nothing unpredictable would happen.

I prepared 0.3g of dried pan cyans.

I didn't really have particular expectations for this trip. In my mind, it was loosely connected to IFS therapy, but I mostly just wanted to see where my mind would take me.

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The first hour of the trip was mostly spent waiting for the come-up anxiety and discomfort to subside. I took a bath, which seemed to help.

The dose I took resulted in an average to strong trip. Shows how potent those shrooms were.

As things started to settle down, I sat on my bed and observed what was coming up in my mind. A memory from preschool came up.

We were in the hallway, waiting to go to the gym room. An incident happened where one of the kids managed to get their gym shoe stuck atop a fire alarm command box. Then they tried to get their shoe back, by throwing something else at the box... which eventually triggered the fire alarm.

Then we were evacuated from the building. We were lined up on the playground. I was shocked and overwhelmed by all this. I was crying for mommy. Nobody came. I remember feeling that I was the only one to be crying, and that nobody cared. Eventually, I stopped crying, but the feelings stayed with me...

Like a cold, stark welcome into the adult world.

The memory made me cry. I felt emotions of sadness and panic. I realized there was more than this particular memory. I intuitively understood what the emotions meant: they were what my 3 year old self felt when introduced to school. My first days of school were traumatic: being abruptly dropped into a completely alien setting, separated from my parents, and expected to sit down and follow instructions.

Suddenly, everything made sense. This explained why I am the way I am, why things have evolved the way they have, and so on.

I was connecting with my inner child, or what they call an exile in IFS terminology. I spent time with that child, comforting him and processing all the emotions that came up. I expressed gratitude to the other parts of my psyche for their hard work.

When I was done processing all this, I listened to some music, and had an absolute blast. I found the juxtaposition of strong, opposite emotions to be interesting. I also have synesthesia, which psychedelics tend to amplify, so that makes music a pretty interesting experience.

I mostly just vibed until the shrooms wore off entirely.

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Retrospectively, I'm grateful to have received this insight. It does explain quite a few things about me and some of my old behavior patterns - now I know where they come from, which equips me to work more efficiently on them.

What is interesting is that, while I have several memories from preschool, I don't have explicit memories of my first days. However, mom recounted that I was quite a chaotic child, and needed special attention until I was calm enough. I used to see it under the angle of "unruly child, needs discipline", but now I see it under a different angle, that of a panic reaction.

This trip, and subsequent therapy work, have helped me loosen up and deal with old issues, so that has been great.

Exp Year: 2025	ExpID: 119460
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 31
Published: Jan 16, 2026	Views: Not Supported
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Mushrooms - Panaeolus cyanescens (185) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1)