Citation: Goodly. "If Heaven Isn't Like This, I Don't Want to Go: An Experience with Ecstasy & Mushrooms (exp1608)". Erowid.org. Mar 5, 2001. erowid.org/exp/1608
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I prepared for the evening by spending the day with my three year old son. He and I shared an afternoon at an amusement park and then later we went to the local playground until nightfall, around 8:30. I concentrated upon the beauty in his eyes and his smile. We were very loving to each other, avoiding the usual conflict between a father and a child trying to exert his independence. We touched noses and laughed a lot.
Around nine my wife got home and I made her a meal. I skipped the food. At ten I swallowed the hit of MDMA. For the next half hour I bathed the boy and talked with my wife about her day. I kissed the boy and my wife goodnight, and I went downstairs.
It had been over ten years since I had done any MDMA. The dose I had at that time was the last of a batch that had been manufactured when the substance was still legal. Since that time, I had not had access to any more. I remembered it being an exquisite experience.
In the last few years I have been doing mushrooms three or four times a year. I have often wondered how it would be to do the mushrooms with MDMA. In many ways the two are quite similar, both inducing the state of ecstatic wonder. The MDMA is more tactile than the mushrooms, and the mushrooms are more visually interesting, but the states of ecstasy fulfilled by them are almost identical.
Since I ate the MDMA whole, without chewing it, it took a full hour before it hit. When the first waves of sensuous pleasure began rolling over me, I quickly crushed up the dried mushrooms and washed them down with fruit juice. Once this final chore was done, I settled in my chair and played Ravel's Bolero through my headphones. It's an ideal piece of music for climbing to the MDMA plateau. As the theme (which for me always brings to mind a loping camel riding across the desert) kept repeating, each refrain rising a little higher and a little louder, the MDMA coarsed through body. By the crescendo I was there, where I wanted to be, that luscious spot of time when I cease and there is nothing but pleasure, pleasure more intense than even the best of orgasms, rolling and rolling through my body.
The only thing about mushroom I don't like, and sometimes it's enough almost to keep me from doing them, is the rocket ride up. It can be a jarring experience. The emotional anxiety and the physical grittiness sometimes makes me feel like jumping out of my skin. This phase of discomfort always passes and I'm deposited in the ecstatic state, but the hour or so I'm riding that rocket can seem like forever. It was because of this aspect of mushrooms that I was so curious about doing them with MDMA. The first thing MDMA does is strip away all anxiety. Perhaps it could make a mushroom rocket ride a little easier to take.
This night the MDMA took away all the discomfort of the mushrooms. The MDMA pleasure simply overwhelmed the mushrooms' dark side. I didn't feel any anxiety whatsoever. I could feel the surge of the mushroom coming on, but the MDMA always beat back the meanies. This was the greatest thing since the dentists introduced laughing gas and gave us truly painless dentistry. Painless tripping. What an improvement.
Once I reached the mushrooms plateau I was truly in a state of grace. The visuals were more intense than I have ever known on mushrooms alone. The room was alive with filigreed patterns as grand as a holy city and as fine as a spider's web. It was like the entire world was now made of crystal glass. The room became clothed in the holy purple.
It doesn't happen every time I do mushrooms, but sometimes spirits come. The first was my guardian angel, the spirit of a young woman I have seen many times when I have passed over to the Other. She's always with me, just behind my right shoulder. This night she was almost visible to the eye. I could almost see her in my peripheral vision, but when I turned she did her duty and vanished. But she was there, no question. She loves it when I trip. I think she enters me and experiences what I experience. She's always grateful afterward. She also helps me keep out the bad spirits. They want to come in too, but I have to keep them away. I have the choice. They, too, want to experience where I am, but they can harm me and so I keep them at a distance. This night one particular bad spirit approached. He has known blood lust, having killed. He has felt the warm sticky blood of his victim and watched the light of life leave his eyes. The bad spirit wants to share what he has known in exchange for this night with me. I keep him away.
I experience an insight I've had before. It seems that my father and I have our fates tied together, but in an odd way. Our fates are a perfect mirror of each other. In our careers, in our love lives, in our good and bad fortunes, our fates are the mirror opposites. This night is an example. I had the great privilege of experiencing the heaven of the 20th century, namely nights such as this one, while he experienced the hell of the 20th century, World War II. For every hour I have spent in ecstasy he spent in horror. He had the ultimate horror of taking a life. I want to tell my father that the spirit of this man is at peace, but I can't. I can't tell my father that I know this is true because the man's spirit has come to me and told me so.
I was shown others who were tripping at the same time. There was this other serene tripper smoking a fat cigar, and then there was a room of college kids getting blasted out of their minds. I don't know if they could see me or not.
I put Mahler's Symphony No. 5 on. Such finely textured beauty. I am swept away. No more me, no more spirits, no more anything but the experience itself. For the next hour I don't exist. I am simply an opening into the Other. And God how I love it.
I go to bed around four. My wife has been sleeping soundly. For her my night passed in her dreaming.
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