Syrian Rue, Mushrooms - P. cubensis, & Nitrous Oxide
Citation: Phinslit. "The Division and Dissolution of Ego: An Experience with Syrian Rue, Mushrooms - P. cubensis, & Nitrous Oxide (exp26658)". Erowid.org. Nov 14, 2004. erowid.org/exp/26658
I decided to trip on Friday night. Although some like to plan out their trips, I find that mine are more enjoyable and unpredictable when I leave little time for planning. I had decided to trip only Friday morning. I went into Friday night with a relatively good set and familiar setting. Although I am moving away to college and recently had a serious argument with my father, I had made peace with those issues and decided to seek enlightenment in the form of mushrooms. My setting was my house, primarily in the bathroom and the family room where I eventually fell asleep. Knowing that I would be taking an MAOI, I abstained from tyramine-rich foods such as cheeses and wines; however, I did not fast. I began preparation at about 10pm. I set up some music and laid out all of the substances which I had planned to consume: the seeds, the mushrooms, the marijuana (for nausea, as I have read that Syrian Rue can be very nauseating), and three whippets. I ground up one tablespoon of the seeds (approximately 9 grams).
By 11pm, I was finished. I took approximately 1.5 grams (half teaspoon) of seeds and ate them plain. The taste was very disagreeable -- like a stale chocolate mint. The seeds were also very dry and it was difficult to swallow the seeds without a glass of water. I expected nausea so I packed a small bowl of weed into my bong, but the nausea never came. About thirty minutes later, I ingested about 2 grams of P. Cubensis mushrooms (with a glass of orange juice). I was still very sober, and as far as I could tell the psychedelic effects of the seeds were non existant. I also felt no nausea from the mushrooms either. I sat down at my computer after having eaten the mushrooms and began to play counter-strike. Within 30 minutes (T+ 1:00) I began to feel slightly giddy and somewhat at a loss to control my fine motor skills -- I stumbled around rather frequently on my trip to the bathroom -- which I can only assume was a product of the Rue seeds as I had never experienced such stupor on mushrooms alone.
While in the bathroom, I made a mistake -- I looked into the mirror. I had heard before that looking into a mirror was not a good idea, but I was careless. I found myself staring into my eyes, entranced in myself. The reflection of the room was throbbing and my face began to take on a distorted shape. I stood looking in the mirror for about 15 minutes until I realized that I was beginning to panic, so I went back to my computer and turned on some music and Winamp's visualization studio.
I often find such visuals to be very pleasing (sometimes to the point of ecstacy where I need to look away because of a kind of sensory overload). At T+ 1:30 I felt myself beginning to peak and so I decided now was the time to take the nitrous. For some reason I felt drawn to the bathroom (if it was because of my experience with the mirror, I cant say), so I moved all of my gear into the bathroom. I remember looking into the shower and seeing the patterns of the tile on the wall dancing. Usually if I try hard enough, or if I look away and look back, visuals like that disappear or remanifest themselves in some other way; however, this time, the dancing patterns were incredibly clear and smooth.
Still feeling a little edgy from my mirror experience, I decided to take a hit of weed at T+ 1:30. The room began to take on a kind of yellow-orange hue. I knew I was in for something big -- I'd never experienced such intense visual distortions before (my largest dose up to this point having been 3.5 grams). I sat myself down on the ground for thirty minutes lay there staring at the wall. At this point (T+ 2:00), I cracked open a whippet. I prepared by taking several deep breaths, exhaling deeply, and inhaling the nitrous. As I exhaled, the room went from yellow-orange to a deep red-orange and the patterns on the wall began moving faster. I closed my eyes. The next thing I can remember is taking another hit of nitrous and seeing the room change colors yet again, but this time to a deep natural orange. The 2nd hit was more pleasurable than the first as I experienced the familiar dissociation of nitrous, but combined with the psychedelic euphoria of the mushrooms. I then loaded up the last cartridge and inhaled. I reached up to turn the lights off, closed my eyes, and held the nitrous in my lungs for as long as I could.
Immediately I began to see explosions of colors in my mind, and instantly the colors shattered as fireworks do. I had just witnessed what I believed to be my consciousness exploding and dividing itself into its component parts. Beyond that point I saw myself running through the corridors of my subconscious mind. I encountered several entities, all of which seemed to be different voices of my personality. I remember asking questions about what was going on, and hearing a voice comfort me and guide me through. I felt at ease and suddenly I was in a garden with a figure who was speaking to me. It was showing me the ins and outs of my mind. Suddenly, though, it was all gone. I rapidly went from feeling euphoric and 'at one' with myself to feeling lost and concerned. It was as if I had come back into the corridors of my mind and the entity had vanished. I began questioning my very existance. 'Who am I?' I kept thinking to myself...I had several memories of completely different lives and personalities, and I couldn't remember who I was, or what was even real.
Then I opened my eyes. I looked at my watch: It was 2 o'clock -- I had been sitting on the floor after my last nitrous hit for about an hour. By this time I had already plateaued and I had started the long coming down. I went to lie down.
As my altered state of mind began to level off, I was able to contemplate what had happened. One of the most fascinating things about psychedelics is that when I'm in an incredibly altered state of mind, I don't realize that what is happening is abnormal or out of the ordinary. When I couldn't remember who I was, I felt resigned to my fate -- not once did the idea that not knowing who I was or what I was doing seem absurd. I fell asleep fairly around T+ 5:00 (but the mushrooms were still having their effect on me, however diminished. The marijuana as far as I could tell was mostly gone).
As I lay on the couch, I realized that I had experienced a sort of ego death. Ego death -- the very thing which caused me to seek out psychedelics. I felt incredible. I had just witnessed my mind, my personality, divide itself (I can only assume many of the entities which I saw were actually facets of my personality), and then dissolve as I lost touch with reality -- Who I was, what I was doing, why I existed. I paused. I didnt feel euphoric anymore. I almost felt a little scared. What I had experienced was more intense than anything I had ever seen before -- although Salvia in itself was more intense for me, the peak of a Salvia trip lasts a mere 10-15 minutes, whereas I was sitting on the bathroom floor for a good hour just stumbling about the catacombs of my brain.
In retrospect, I now feel that I have come away from that trip with a lot of knowledge. For one thing, Syrian Rue seeds add their own signature, however subtle, to the experience. They instilled a kind of drunken stupor in me. Also, they -do- greatly enhance the strength of mushrooms as I only had ingested about 2 grams. They also seemed to make my visuals more clear and distinct as with the patterns on the tile. As far as learning, I'm still not sure what to make of the whole experience. The last blast of nitrous rocketed me into what I could only describe as a full on psychedelic experience. I've always enjoyed the 'novelty' of new drug experiences, but this was the first time that I actually did not know (could not remember/comprehend) that I was on a substance, and that what I was seeing was not real. There was no novelty, only a striking lucidity of the makeup of my personality. I think I've come away from this experience with knowledge of how my psyche is put together, and I look forward to a similar experience in the future, but perhaps next time, instead of dissolving my ego, rebuilding it.
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