Mushrooms - P. cubensis & MDMA
Citation: Not a Mongoose. "Deitic Delusions: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis & MDMA (exp35254)". Erowid.org. Aug 27, 2006. erowid.org/exp/35254
I write this report having just returned from an event that was for me the best of my life. The event was the first Glade festival in England, an electronic dance music festival set in a little country estate. There were 5000 people camping, and stages playing a wide variety of music from hard techno to psy trance, all of which I am very much into.
It was the second day of this three day event, most of the people I had come to see were playing that evening, a lot of my favourite music going on. So I decided I would treat myself to my two favourite drugs at once.
Mushrooms were consumed first, at about 7pm after having danced a little in the Warp records tent. Just munched them, washing down with water. My stomach didn't really like them I could tell, it was still in shock from the mescaline I'd forced it to digest the night before.
The way I like to combine these drugs is to take the MDMA when I first notice the signs of the shrooms. I was dancing infront of the open-air psytrance stage in the sun and noticed the crowd shift focus and become more clear in my vision, a sure sign the shrooms are kicking in, so I swallowed 125mg of 99% pure MDMA that I had wrapped in a tobacco paper earlier on.
I continued to dance, soaking up the wonderful summer party atmosphere. My friend C had just come up on an unknown ecstasy pill that he said felt pretty strong, he was dancing much harder than me.
I started to get the amazing fluidity in my joints from the mushrooms that I always enjoy. I began start doing my mushroom dance: feet pressed firmly on the floor, swaying my knees and hips and shoulders, intertwining my arms; but found my coordination hadn't yet caught up with what I wanted to do with my body, and I nearly lost my balance a few times. I also started to feeling a slight tingliness from the mdma.
I had never taken mdma in its pure form before, and I have to say I wasn't expecting it to come on as strongly as it then did. Of course, the shrooms will have made me feel the mdma rush in a different way as well.
A wave of psychedelic energy hits me, starting with my feet and moving up my body to my head then out through my eyes to the world around me, subtly changing the colours and shifting my perspective on the crowd very noticeably. Then the wave changes form and comes back into me through the top of my head. It feels like little silver crystals are flowing just under my skin from my head to my extremities. It's particularly noticeable in my fingers, where it feels like the crystals are trying to break through my skin. I laugh with pleasure - I'd never experienced anything like this. I find I can dance a bit better.
I experience about four of these energy waves, each one more intense than the last, each one leaving my vision with more psychedelic telltales: increased awareness of movement, shifting colour fields, etc; and also more ecstasy-like effects, such as being extremely interested in people's faces and how their expressions betray their feelings. I found there were a lot of people who seemed to be enjoying themselves, having a good time, and a large majority of people who were obviously high on ecstasy. I also noticed someone putting a drop of liquid LSD on the back of someone's hand, I was tempted to ask for some but instead I just congratulated him on being in possession of such a rare substance. (I've never had the opportunity to try acid) He laughed and moved off into the crowd.
Feeling extremely good but crowded, I move backwards in the crowd to find more space, and start properly getting into my dancing. I pretend to be throwing and catching two orbs with my hands, and get the idea of going to find some real orbs. But before I could do that, I was hit by the most intense rush of pure pleasure I have ever experienced. The silver crystals under my skin started pulsing with an electric energy, my entire soul invigorated and strengthened by this cosmic energy. It forced all the muscles in my hands and legs to stiffen, and my back straightened out for the first time in a week (Having not slept in a bed all week, it was pretty stiff!). My eyes opened wide as did my mouth as I whooped with joy.
I was incapacitated like this for a full thirty seconds, unable to move apart from to shout my ecstatic shout. I saw colours and surfaces melt into each other a little, then I snapped out of it and started thinking about my dancing orbs again. Then a thought popped into my head. 'I can create light. This energy in my fingers will enable me to create light!' The energy did feel like light, and as soon as I had this thought, I felt it build up again, and almost involuntarily, my hands formed a shape like a seer caressing her crystal ball, right in front of me, and the energy started flowing to the tips of my fingers. I started to be able to feel the surface of the ball, but I couldn't see it. I tried to focus the energy some more but to no avail. I was disappointed, but thought to myself 'Maybe I will be able to do it later'. I started dancing wildly again, extremely fluid and intricate movements
(Times from this point are difficult to remember)
Soon after a man dressed as a troll, with multicoloured tribal facepaints and little orange horns, big wide fingers and a very muscly, topless figure pranced up to me and watched me dance for a while, then started mimicing me very well. Then he produced two little coloured balls, similar to what I was trying to create! I asked if I could have a go and he gave me one of them. I played with it for a bit but wasn't able to get into it with him watching me, so I gave it him back and he played with them for a bit, then went of to mingle. I decided to go and have a sit down.
I wandered smoothly through the crowd with ease, feeling I could do pretty much anything I wanted. One thing I did want was a nice place to sit in the centre of the igloo-shaped chill-out tent I was heading for, and, more due to the power of my mind, I thought, than through luck, there was the perfect spot, in the centre, with a spare cushion in exactly the right place, with a little log table sitting infront of it. In front of me to the left was a beautifully decorated peace-trea, and to the right I could see the crowd and the psy-trance stage. I could hear the music absolutely clearly, Tristan's set was improving greatly as time went by. I sat down, cross-legged on the floor and just sat, completely at peace with myself, and utterly comfortable. I didn't look at anyone, I just stared straight ahead in a bit of a trance. My mobile rang, disturbing my trance. It was my friend P, asking me if I was going to meet him to see Plaid. I became quite angry and told him harshly 'I am staying here. I am staying here!' and hung-up. I almost immediately felt bad about shouting at him.
Then I did something I had never done before. I started to pray. I remembered a vision I had seen the day before when I had smoked some DMT - I'd seen a figure sitting crossed legged, with two arms pressed in prayer, and another pair of arms pointing at me and various places. I mimicked his position (without the extra pair of arms) and opened up my minds to whatever would communicate with me. This felt very natural, even though I had never prayed to any being and am certainly not religious in any traditional way.
I called out wordlessly to the cosmos, sending a hailing signal to whoever could be listening. Then she spoke. I heard a greeting very clearly in my mind from a female voice, certainly not from around me. I was not shocked - I believed anything was possible at that moment, and had achieved what I wanted to achieve. Telepathic contact. This isn't a very accurate transcript of the ensuing conversation but it gives the general idea of the exchange of information.
'Are you God?'
'I am a god, yes, but I think you know what I mean by that'
'So you're one of the aliens?'
(I'd recently been reading online about the alien genetic engineering project that created man and led to religion)
'Yes. You are also a god. You have become aware that you and your race will transcend up to join us very soon. Do you know why you became aware?'
'No, I don't. Please tell me'
'I cannot. Your body knows, and your DNA knows, to tell you would change your destiny.'
'But I don't know what I will do. Please help me'
'You will know what to do.'
'I know. Don't be, it will all be absolutely fine. Goodbye'
I felt a touch like a mental caress, and she was gone. I clasped my hands together and lowered my head in reverie as I tried to comprehend what she had said to me.
I was very confused. At first I thought she had said I am God, which backed up my earlier feeling of being able to do anything I want. I realised that there was therefore an enormous responsibility on my shoulders. This scared me even more, because as I had said to her, I did not know what I would do to save mankind. But she had said that it is written in my DNA. This made me look back on my life. I saw all of the turns of events that had led to me coming to this festival, my first festival, the events that had led to me starting to experiment with psychedelics, the articles I had somehow been led to read about the origins of humanity and the prediction of transcendence in 2012, and realised it must make sense. I must be God. This festival is a place of worship for me, everybody is here because of me, I have ultimate power and my destiny is to lead the human race to enlightenment. The sense of responsibility was immense, but the mdma helped me believe I could cope with it.
But then I realised there was a contradiction here. She had said she is a god, and that I am too, so to think that I am God is ridiculous, as I do not believe in there being one God and she had supported this. I felt relieved and laughed to myself.
So then I reintegrated this belief and adjusted what I saw ahead. I felt the festival to be a gathering of people who were destined to become gods, like me. 'We are all gods' I thought to myself. This supported my view of the current generations - the way that, even with a system of government that tries to reduce freedom all the time, we still manage to be free and do what we want. As evidence for this I had the luck that enabled me to get away with pretty much everything illegal or 'bad' I had ever done in my life, with similar luck having been expressed to me by others when I'd discussed it in the years previous. This luck I now saw was due to destiny.
'I will continue to do exactly what I want until 2012. So will all the other potential gods on this planet. But some of them aren't gods, so there will be conflict. We need a leader.'
And guess who I decided would be the leader? Me. I was perfect, you see, I could do anything and I would.
So having gone from God to a god to Leader of the Gods, the weight of responsibility was now on my shoulders.
At about this time I was disturbed for the first time since I sat down. A beautiful girl of about my age asked me if anybody was using the cushion beside me. I said nobody was and handed her the cushion. I felt that she was one of us, a god, so as she walked away I called out to her. She looked at me and I said to her 'I think you are extremely beautiful'. She smiled and laughed, dismissing what I said. I made very strong eye contact with her and said 'No, it is true. You are extremely beautiful' She looked at me for a few seconds, I felt she could read my mind and see that I was not lying. She believed me and thanked me warmly, then went to sit down with her friends.
I have always liked to name beauty when I see it - I point out flowers and trees that I like, and sometimes when I take ecstasy I am able to express this to women. I am usually too shy - I do not want it to be taken as an effort to seduce, as I already have one that I love. I thought about my love.
I had called this girl beautiful because I wanted to, and I felt justified because doing what I want at any particular time was the only way to fulfil my destiny. I sat for a while longer admiring the beauty in the room, especially of the small peace-tree in front of me, which was exquisitely decorated.
I was soon disturbed again, by someone I did not perceive to be a god. A quite unpleasant man came and sat next to me and tried to engage me in conversation. Normally on ecstasy this man probably would have not seemed unpleasant, he was not saying anything to warrant this reaction, I was just being incredibly aloof (why should a god like me talk to a lesser being such as him?!). He began to call his friends over, I felt I should leave but then he got up and left instead. I convinced myself that it was the beauty of all the gods around him that had forced him to leave. I hadn't noticed but there had been a sudden influx of more gods, and the room was filling up with people seemingly arranging themselves around me, a labyrinth of lounging people with me at the centre. I decided they did not need me there at the moment and went to dance again.
The music by this stage had become a part of the local landscape. It enveloped the crowd like incense smoke in a congregation, it flowed through me, moving my body in an ever-increasing, spiraling, twirling trail of dance. I said to myself again 'I can create light!' and this time reached up to the clouds with one clawed hand, trying to focus the energy and bring the sun out. Instead, there came a burst of green light from near to the direction my hand was pointing. I was satisfied and did not try to do it again, just the once was enough. (looking back the green light was just part of the stage lighting. One of many coincidences that supported my delusions that night)
I then remembered the angry phone call from earlier and decided on a method of reconciliation. I would go back to the tent to collect all I needed for the rest of the night, then go and find him at Plaid. I broke into a run, not pausing to give anyone a glance, my footing on the uneven ground was undisturbed and I very quickly reached the tent about half a mile away. I gathered all I needed and then headed back to find him. I remembered he had also said to me on the phone 'head for the star' so I did (the star was a large glowing inflated one on a frame, designed as a meeting point). I walked purposefully towards it, confident I would find him immediately. But when I arrived I saw things weren't as I had expected them to be.
Staff had started roping off an area beside the star, and a large cushioned surface had been moved to underneath it. As I looked around for P, I began to think that something was about to happen to me, another part of my destiny, and that it might involve the roped-off area. I kept this thought in mind and stood still, scanning the people around me in an effort to spot him. I could not, but as I was looking I made eye contact with another very beautiful girl and decided to ask her if she knew. Perhaps she was an emissary sent to help me.
She didn't know where he was but was very gracious and suggested I go back to where he might think he'd find me. Of course! I had told him I was staying in the igloo, and that was quite a while ago. He'll have gone there! I thanked her, then paused. She smiled, and I asked her if she knew anything about the destiny of the human race. She said she didn't, and I told her we are due to transcend, to become enlightened, and that it would happen within ten years. She didn't seem surprised. 'Well, if you're convinced then so am I. Thank you' she said. And with that I was off.
As I came closer to the igloo I noticed P was directly in front of me, heading in the same direction but walking slightly slower than me. I caught up with him and put my hands on his shoulders to greet him. He turned to me and smiled. He had taken a small 85mg dose of mdma about an hour earlier, and we were both very pleased to have found each other. I asked him if he knew what was going on, and he said yes.
What I had meant to ask really was whether he was aware of my destiny. But I did not feel the need to elucidate the question further, as I thought I had communicated it pretty well telepathically. His answer was a great relief to me and I started to wonder if there was more to it than that.
I started thinking along the lines of how P might help me. As we returned to the igloo a plan had formed, how we would live together along with his girlfriend and mine, plus some more. The question of who was answered when we met all the other people I knew, all lying together in the igloo. The welcomed me warmly and I sat down, cross-legged again.
I began to tell Pike some aspects of my plan. I did not say much, again believing my telepathy to be helping him understand. He did not contradict any thing I said. I told him I wanted to live with him (I had for some time, I felt it might be a good thing to do after I leave university, but I had not managed to discuss it with him before). I said we should live in my new rented house. I did not say, but thought, the others I was with would live there too. A baby would be born, I would teach it all I knew and it would lead us after the transcendence. I would teach him using a book, which I would write after the festival. I told him 'I must write a book' and he said that might be a good idea. Every snippet of the plan I told him he agreed to, which is unsurprising as everything I said was a lot more mundane than what I was thinking, but at the time it led me to believe he knew more than I do.
'You know exactly what's going on don't you'
'Yes I do. We must go and see Squarepusher and Aphex Twin soon'
By 'see' I thought he meant meet. So, I prepared myself to meet two of my idols. I wondered why I would need to meet them, and thought perhaps it was something to do with my destiny. Maybe Richard D James is the leader, not me. Or maybe they are going to give me ownership of Warp records. I said to P 'We're going to have all the money we want'. I looked at me but didn't say anything. (I guess that was a lot more of a random thing to say than the rest of my babbling!)
Soon became now and we made our way over to the Warp tent. Everybody seemed very excited, for me it seemed, as I was going to own Warp records! (not, as is the truth, because they were excited about seeing two of their favourite artists)
We went in and made our way through the crowd. The act before Squarepusher was still on so we were early. We found a spot where we could see the DJ booth, standing back from it were the Warp guys. P pointed them out so I waved at them, convinced they were looking straight at me. P said we should make our way to the front so I followed him out to the side and round towards the front. Squarepusher came on stage and everybody cheered. We stopped, about five rows back from the stage. 'Let's stay here, we have a decent enough view. Watch how he plays the bass'
Now, I was aware that Squarepusher was a very good bass player but his playing was just amazing. I danced a little to it, but I was sidetracked again by my continually evolving ideas about fulfilling my destiny. I thought maybe P was showing me the bass because that was what I should use, that I should use music, bass, vibrations, to lead the human race. I connected this back to my earlier creation of light, and just at that moment the whole tent lit up with a brilliant white flash. I felt that confirmed it, music and light were the key. I felt that perhaps it was Squarepusher's destiny to communicate this to me subliminally through his music, that his CDs had influenced me towards that moment.
It seemed as though he was building up to something. Maybe I'm going to have to address the congragation! Maybe he's building up towards me speaking! The current song finished, and the crowd recognised the beginning of the next song and a lot of them lifted their arms in the air. Maybe we're going to fly up into space now! But I felt this couldn't be true - that would not happen until 2012. Not now, I told myself.
Then I remembered it was aphex twin on next, and temporarily forgot about my destiny. At that moment, as I was looking vaguely around the room I spotted a couple of my friends that I hadn't seen for a while and spoke to them. We decided to go outside for a smoke of the charas hashish that I had on me. We did so, and I spoke to them about normal every day things, news from my life and theirs etc, not really thinking about any of what had gone on previously. Then another coincidence reminded me of all of it. It seems my friends had been smoking the same charas in India only a week previously. This impressed me as it seemed like another sign. This friend, S, had been very important in my life before as he was a strong link to the girl I love, I felt he must also be here to help me. I felt I must go to India with him and P and the others around. I dismissed the idea of meeting Aphex Twin and owning Warp records.
I remembered that this festival was for me, but now I realised that perhaps I should not be getting involved in it. I felt that going back to my tent would be a way of channeling all the worship of the dancers into some telepathic furthering of my understanding. So I announced that I would go to bed.
This was met with a lot of resistance from the group, and my resolve broke. I realise now that the more I spoke to others, the less I was involved in my own delusion and the more I just wanted to socialise with my friends like I normally do on MDMA. My friend C suggested that instead of going to bed, I take another 125mg of MDMA and come partying with everybody. I gave in, agreed and did so. I finished skinning up the spliff and as we passed it round I felt it come on, but this time it was far less intense and far more what I am used to.
The extra dose of MDMA seemed to overpower the mushrooms and I had a sudden flash of inspiration. I realised that I had been deluded for the past I don't know how many hours. It was impossible that I should now know my destiny, I suddenly saw all the evidence from earlier such as the flashes of green and white light as what they really were - coincidences. I ran over my conversation with P and realised that he didn't really know what I was going to say, I just didn't say anything particularly out of the ordinary.
The only thing I could not dismiss was the female voice in my head telling me I would transcend. The voice is still fresh in my mind, two days later, and I cannot dismiss it as 'just a hallucination'. The delusion I constructed was all from my own rambling inner voice, influenced heavily by magic mushrooms into a confused mess, but made sense of by the MDMA which game me complete confidence in my ability to work out what was going on. But the voice was not my inner voice, it was one I had never heard.
Midnight. Aphex twin comes on, and we all go in to dance. The rest of the evening is spent mainly dancing, hugging, massaging and all the loved-up things that happen at this kind of event.
I ask P to come for a walk with me and tell him about my trip. I cannot tell him the full extent of it as I had not made much more sense of it to myself yet, but he agrees it sounded like a pretty amazing experience. It certainly was.
We return to the tent and I fall asleep.
This was the most spiritually invigorating experience of my entire lifetime, by a very large margin. Whether it really means what it seems to mean I cannot ever know. Already there are many doubts in my mind. For one, I've never truly believed in telepathy. Another is the fact that I have been reading very heavily into the whole idea surrounding 2012, and also about the idea of telepathic contact with aliens on psychedelics. I wanted this to happen, in a way, and maybe it was the confidence of the MDMA that enabled me to have the type of trip I was looking for.
So I'll just continue trying to do exactly what I want and see where it gets me. If it turns out to be true, then great. If not then fine, I'm sure I'll find more things to do.
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