Citation: Kaleidobunny. "Love is All You Need: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp35388)". Erowid.org. May 10, 2007. erowid.org/exp/35388
In england there's an interesting loophole which means it's legal to buy and sell fresh, unprepared magic mushrooms. I get mine from the internet, and you can get just about every kind. Since this has all been possible, I've been doing them fairly regularly. Not too much, maybe every two months, I'll go on two trips in the space of two weeks.
Last night I got together with a very dear friend, who's a sort of boyfriend. Up until last night, we'd been having 15g trips prepared as tea in the method of one of the recipes on this site. The simple one (very effective), with ginger root added, which really does help the stomach. In the past month I've been really changing. Things are getting clearer. Lots of revelations have happened.
Normally we trip in my house, but tonight we were in his, which he shares with a bunch of nice people. Some weird stuff had happened there though and I didn't feel all that relaxed in this place. It's ok but I'm a bit nervy and shy sometimes so that was there with me. It was late and we weren't too evenly matched. He's bigger than me - though we did give him more tea. But he'd gone and had a big stodgy meal no more than an hour beforehand. I'd had nothing but fruit, juice and water all day.
I was up and away in 20 minutes, while he was feeling a bit sick and nothing else. I could feel it was going to be very intense. I don't know where it came from but I started to feel very dark and lonely and the part of my head which is really hard and lonely and judgemental was most prevalent. I think coming up really high and alone was somewhat isolating. And it was VERY heavy. What felt really awful was how I felt a kind of repulsion for my friend. He's big and dark with a big deep voice and he smokes and he makes noise, and all he wanted to do was help, but it was so funny because whenever he spoke to comfort me, it was too much. I do adore him, but it was too much.
I was in this place in my head where I was rejecting Everything. It was awful. Thinking about nasty sad things, illness, madness, violence. Totally rejecting my life and me and the universe. I felt like I was dying. Death death death. It's really awful to resist death. Does no one any favours. It was intense, I always feel like I'm dying on mushrooms. But sometimes I'm open to that. Surrender!
I went to the kitchen to get something sugary. I got some biscuits but when I put them in my mouth I simply couldn't keep them there. They were foul and dry and unreal! I had some pineapple juice, too much! Too intense bleuch! I drank water and ate dates, none of this really did anything. I knew though, that soon I'd stop feeling strung out and then I'd feel amazing.
The carpet was rippling like the top of an oily kaleidoscopic lake. I always see an elephant with an ornate mantle on his head, rather like ganesh. He's in everything. Kaleidoscopes cover everything when I trip and I know 'I'm' a part of it. I always see my face too. This time I was looking at the mad dancing carpet and my face was everywhere. When I'm feeling fine my face is smiling, last night it was wide-eyed and spooked.
Anyway. I climbed into the bed (i.e. bunch of blankets on the floor) and got all foetal. I laughed because it wasn't helping and I knew it wouldn't. Nothign out there can help me or anybody, ever. All we've got is our own feelings. Which can sound good and bad, but it really ought to be a comfort, not a lonely shame.
I made some good decisions. I'd just started taking 'the pill' cause I really need some birth control. Only on the third one, no more, no way. It's disgusting and not right at all. For me anyway. Still kind of fraught. Mr. Man put some ben harper on at my request. I'd always meant to listen to him. Then he went to the bathroom. I was busily fighting off overwhelming fear of life, and then I heard some lyrics from his lovely voice. Something about 'You can't run from the world, because there's nowhere to run' sang it over and over again. Wow. Yes. Thank you. It was such a gentle song too. Right time right place. It got better from there.
Love is life and it's only feeling love that can bring happiness, no matter how bad things seem to be. I was rejecting everything. I wanted everything to be different. Oscar wilde said something about 'It's not the perfect but the imperfect that is in need of our love'.
The mood all changed, and guy came back and I became very cackling-at-everything and turned into a cynical insane clown. High energy. Lots of laughing. Lots of laughing. Lust for life had come right back. I put on the stone roses. Very good. I paid attentions to things in my head, particularly self-consciusness. Insecurites and stuff. I decided to let them go and do what I really was for a change. So funny to look back and find all the uptight things I've been taught and so nice to realise that beliefs that constrict me, CAN be released, wiped clean. Particularly if I want to.
Oh it went on and so much happened. We'd had our tea at about 10.30 and by 1.00 it was starting to ease off. It was definitley there til we went to sleep at about 4am. I had a lovely time.
Alwasy as I start a trip, I think back to the day as I get ready and do things leading up to the night's activities. I laugh at myself, because 'Where did I think I was going?' I go around in my normal day preparing. Thinking I'm going somewhere that night. But the mushrooms are so in the present. It's my everyday right now, but with an intense clarity (and nice colours). At first the room I was in was horrible, but later it was soo beautiful. Everything was.. is. Mushrooms remind me to be in the moment. Everything is so profound. And they help me make the best decisions.
The 'seperation' of dreams and this shared life, disappears. Memories of my very very strange dreams come back and have the same presence and importance as events in my waking life (dream). I really love mushrooms.
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