Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: WideEyed. "Love in the Eyes of the Reaper (Becoming One): An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp38729)". Erowid.org. Nov 27, 2005. erowid.org/exp/38729
It was Thanksgiving weekend. A Friday. Not sure exactly the date.
The set, as referring to my state of mind was a spiritual one. I think hallucinogens should be treated with the respect of a religious sacrament. This mindset tends to make the trip more fulfilling.
The setting: my upstairs bedroom at my house (I have the top floor and my mom has the bottom, basically). I'd eaten mushrooms on multiple occasions, even alone, but never a whole 1/8. So I did my best to make sure everything was positive and shroomy. I lit candles and covered the clocks (because of this, I cannot report accurate measurements of time). My window leads out onto the roof of our kitchen and my girlfriend brought over blankets and sleeping bags so we could lie out under the stars. Then I filled my CD player with Beatles and Jimi Hendrix CDs. (by the way, the Beatles are amazing for shroom trips. And Jimi Hendrix, as rumored, is great for exploring relationships sexually and spiritually).
B, my girlfriend, came over around 10 w/ the mushrooms. She'd expected to pick them up earlier but I told her it wasn't too late. So we sat on my bed and started eating. We each had a bag of about an 1/8. The plan was to eat about 3/4 and wait to feel the effects before we ate more but we were excited and ate them all at once, taking time to chew as much as possible of course.
I turned on the Beatles Sgt. Pepper and we talked and waited for the fungus to take effect. She kept referring to it as poison, which bothered me, but I said nothing, trying to keep the mood light. I got that rushing feeling after about twenty minutes and we both started giggling. It was an awkward rise I think because we were waiting for it. I imagine it would have felt more natural if we had found something to occupy ourselves at first. She went to the bathroom and I sat on the floor in front of my speakers. I was feeling nauseous. Nothing I couldn't handle, but still slightly unpleasant. B came back and kept telling me about the breathing walls and how intimidating my Almost Famous poster was. It always bothers me when other people trip and I'm not. I feel out of place. Soon though, I was on my way too. I was about ten minutes behind her. She'd describe an experience and a little later I'd know exactly what she meant.
When I was sure I was tripping I went over to look at some pictures on my wall I'd cut out of a timothy leary book. One was of Buddha with all sorts of trippy designs. The other of Jesus, also with trippy designs. They each seemed to have a very strong energy and I knew it best to only choose one for now. I looked at the one of jesus, assuming it would be pleasant. The first thing I saw in it, however, was a large morphing skull and was hit with a very unpleasant feeling. This does little to describe it as the tiniest feelings make my entire world on mushrooms. Then I looked across my room and the nearest wall seemed to be stretching. I had a very clear and definite thought that I should have waited longer to trip again (I had just tripped about 5 days before), but I have a strong mind and I could handle it (I meditate frequently and have survived many difficult drug experiences. being confident in the strength of my mind is definitely a plus).
I was still drawn to the jesus picture so I looked back at it. It seemed to resonate a hidden evil. like the devil had drawn it to trick me into looking at it. Then I had a strong feeling of, let's call it destiny. I'm 18 and of course struggling with identity, but the answer seemed to call me in to this now swarming sea of skulls and magic men. Like I would find myself if I kept looking. Then the picture began to melt, the skulls and magic men dripping off the page. Then it was again a picture of jesus, melting as well. This had snowball effect and everything around me started to melt. I started to melt. I assumed it was a trick of the great timothy leary and laid down on my floor to enjoy it. As soon as I laid down my girlfriend sat up from the bed and began talking. She was obviously in a very different trip. She was laughing and playing with the dog. I don't remember much of it, but I remember she kept saying 'I bet you think I'm annoying, talking this much' and I'd say no and think maybe we're not as compatible as I thought we were. Then she stopped and stared again at my Almost Famous poster, which has a picture of a seductive Kate Hudson next to a Les Paul, and she said 'her eyes scare me.' I'd spent time tripping out on the same poster so I looked up and said 'she's desire.' Then I closed my eyes.
What began as a regular shroom kaleidoscope became a hall of demons. I think it's important to mention at this point that I was not afraid. The demons didn't seem benevolent in the least but I felt that by continuing down the hall and remaining unafraid, I'd find something...truthful. B, however, continued to talk, and I thought it was wrong of me to fall into my own trip and leave her alone when she'd come to trip with me. So I sat up and suddenly felt wiser. She kept asking me questions. About what, I don't remember, but I remember knowing the answers. Not like I'd learned them before, but like they were there to be grasped.
B asked me if I wanted to go outside and I said sure. I opened the window (which is tough business sober) and we climbed outside. It was freezing. We climbed under the blankets and in the sleeping bags, which were freezing as well and B told me if you think it's warm it will be. We looked up at the stars and talked a little about the sky. Then I told her to look at the moon. As we stared, it was like the sky was splitting apart and suddenly I felt like I wanted to stop it (attempting to quickly end any part of a trip is not a good idea). When I changed my attention, B said she'd climbed into my trip and now I'd left her there, and it was scary. I felt so bad and didn't know what to do so I told her to show me hers. She told me to come closer and I asked her how to do it. She said with words. Suddenly I understood why she'd been talking so much. She'd been finding positive things and associating words to them so later on she could recall them if she started having a bad trip. She said her favorite was laugh. She said it. Then I said it.
Suddenly, all the aspects of my trip, the significance of the moon, the cold, the faces I had just noticed on the wall, and the blue tint to everything were gone. Oranges and reds I hadn't even seen were suddenly flaring out to give everything a warm hue. I said 'whoa' and she told me whoa was now a good word for me. Amazed, I laid back and started staring again at the sky. Again, everything started returning to its blue tint and moon stood out eerily. B said 'no, that's your trip. You can't isolate yourself. You have to look at me and laugh and be happy.' I said okay and said whoa again while looking in her eyes and everything started getting warm again. I felt a wave of apprehension and said, 'wait, but I don't know...' and everything just dropped back to blue. I felt stuck. She said 'those are the words you use. That's why yours is negative. 'wait, but, and don't.'' My mind suddenly raced back to a thousand bad trips (which were in actuality only moments of trips) in which those words were involved. We went back and forth like this until I got tired and could no longer find a positive association, so I suggested we go back inside, where it was warm.
Once inside, another Beatles CD was playing, which I was happy for. Abbey Road, I think. We sat down on the floor and looked at each other. I told B I didn't think it was necessarily my trip. I was feeling defensive and inexperienced. We talked about it for a while and I said I was okay with what I'd been experiencing. She said she wanted to show me one where I could laugh and be happy. We went on discussing it, moving in to one trip, then shooting back out in to the other. Finally, she looked at me. Stared in to my eyes. And I no longer felt like I needed to feel defensive. I felt stronger, wiser. I smiled. Then I realized B was crying. She no longer had the air of the wise mushroom goddess like on the roof. She just looked like a sad little girl. And I thought 'she gave me her trip.'..and had taken mine. At this realization, I felt nothing but affection. I was certain she did this on purpose. And I kept looking at her, saying 'you took it from me.' Suddenly, this had more significance than it had before. I understood why she was crying. I suffer from depression and have learned to accept harsh and painful realities. In her loving and happy way, accepting this from me caused her much more obvious pain.
Still amazed at what she had done, I had a shroom thought. One of thoughts that doesn't seem to come from me but resonates from the depths of all of existence. It said 'this is love.' She gave me her happiness and took my pain. And I knew I had to do the same. So I concentrated, meditated if you will. And soon her eyes were drying and she was smiling again. It was like she'd come up for air. She said 'whoa, that was intense.' I, on the other hand, had returned to a trip of confusion and overwhelming vulnerability. I said 'I'm stuck again.' She said she knew. And soon we had switched again. This time though, she seemed confused. She was crying again and said, 'but why am I crying. You don't cry.' In my state, I seemed to know all the answers and told her that on a sober level, this is how we deal with pain. She just looked confused at this. I tried explaining another way with no success and remembered what it was like when I was in that trip. Nothing makes sense. I laughed at the irony. That the one of us who searches for answers understands nothing and the one who knows cannot bring it to make sense. So again, I gave the good trip to her. Now I was again confused and she was excited. All the questions she had just asked were making sense to her.
After what seemed like an hour or so of doing this, we started to peak. This is the part of a shroom trip that tends to give me that most amazing clarity of the world. In my trips, I call it standing in the hall of death as I believe this is how I'll see the world when I die, just before being reborn.
So now, with this new part of the trip introduced, we'd have a bad trip, a good trip, a bad trip, a good trip, and then for only a moment we'd both have that clarity, so we could discuss what we'd been doing. It was amazing. I had this undeniable feeling that we were experiencing the human life cycle. And I recognized the same when I'd tripped alone. But this time, it was different. We were witnessing the human cycle of lovers. You give your happiness, take the pain. Your partner takes that pain back, gives you his happiness. And so you always feel off balance, but if you were to look at the big picture, together you are always one.
I had to explain this to her, but I could feel the cycle starting again. She looked sad, and I knew it wouldn't make sense. Then I had an idea. I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and started to draw. The cycle was now on autopilot so I only had a limited period of time to do what I could with the good trip. By the time I was back to misunderstanding though, I only had an indistinguishable scribble, which made me even more sad than normal in that state -- the pain of the failed artist. B spouted out some Buddhist wisdom and again we switched. I said 'look, I can explain it. This is why we have art.' Now I knew exactly what I was going to draw. I had no fear of making a mistake. And in a couple seconds I had drawn a yin yang, a perfect circle by the way. Even in her depressed state, she understood it. She couldn't explain it. But she nodded and I knew. Art breaks the barrier. We use it to gain perspective.
The switches kept getting faster, and Jimi Hendrix Electric Ladyland started playing. I was, to say the last, overcome with desire. We started...the only way I can explain it is breathing with each other. It wasn't sexual in common terms, though it was the most sexual experience of my life. Physically and mentally, there was a feeling of becoming closer to oneness. The trips stopped switching and it became an entirely different kind. I was having flashbacks of my childhood. Times when it felt there should have been someone there. Times when I felt like someone just like me was standing on the other side of the mirror. Times when I felt like it was someone else's pain or joy I was feeling. Suddenly I was aware that B and I were thinking the exact same thing. It was like she was in my head and I was in hers. I saw memories of her childhood and she'd look at me questioning 'that was you I was looking for?'...the thought I'm sure arose in our minds simultaneously because I would look up with absolute surprise and she would have the same exact expression. This continued for however long Electric Ladyland lasts, and then B went to the bathroom. I laid on the floor, but even separated I was still sure we were thinking the same thing. I felt a deep pain of detachment, and when she returned, she was crying.
I assured her it was okay and she said we should go outside. We went back and forth for a while until we decided it was okay. I put on my coat and when I looked back, B looked confused. 'It's started again.' I told her we were going outside and she asked why. Then I felt the switch and she wanted to go but I didn't. Finally, she was crying on my bed and I said 'okay, we have to go now.'
On my bedroom door is a Doors poster that proves to be very symbolic when under the influence of hallucinogens. It's black and white with red writing and I've always been sure in 'expanded' states it represents death. I opened the door and the hallway seemed much longer than usual. I knew this symbolised some sort of journey in death. Then I knew, even moreso, the nature of love. Your lover, partner, whatever, is your guide for the journey at the moment of your death. And you are theirs. Without them, it is easy to be subjected to fear and never return to the void.
So we walked down the hall, down the stairs, and out the front door. We walked to the gate that separates my backyard from the front, and I had an absolutely amazing feeling of calm, and I knew she had the same. We knew... This is where we will meet after death, to laugh at what fools humanity makes of our spirits, and to know again all of the answers to our questions. We have always come here, and will always come here, and with a grin that marks the face of all-knowing god, we will say our goodbyes and slide back into the cycle for another round.
After thinking this, I realized that the trip was just about over. B must've realized it too because we hugged like we were departing. I whispered in her ear 'never forget' and she asked the same of me. This has been the most clear trip in memory I've ever had.
So we returned to my room, suffering the strangeness of coming down, sometimes tripping and sometimes being what seems completely sober. And eventually we fell asleep, knowing...
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