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Almost Met My Shadow
Huasca Brew (Syrian Rue & M. tenuiflora)
by spybreak
Citation:   spybreak. "Almost Met My Shadow: An Experience with Huasca Brew (Syrian Rue & M. tenuiflora) (exp40955)". Erowid.org. Mar 28, 2005. erowid.org/exp/40955

9.7 g oral Mimosa tenuiflora (tea)
  3.1 g oral Syrian Rue (tea)


I ordered some Mimosa hostilis because I wanted to extract the DMT, but I chose to try “Ayahuasca” first, as it's more easy to prepare, so I also ordered some Peganum harmala. I prepared the brew according to Mimosquero's Recipe. I ended up with two glasses full of a brown, acidic brew. By the way, I have taken the following psychedelics before: mushrooms (medium dosages), Salvia (never worked for me) and 5-MeO-DMT (10mg smoked - and I thought that stuff was the heaviest thing I have ever experienced - 5-MeO-DMT would probably feel like a chill-drug for me now).

I had a neutral mindset when entering the trip. I had anticipated it all week long (and started observing the dietary precautions two days before the trip). I didn't know what to expect though, I knew everything could happen (I had read alot of reports, but I knew that the experience itself is beyond description really). A friend agreed to trip sit me. Thank god I had enough respect of this stuff to not to do it alone. I drank the brew, 45 minutes later I felt the first effects. The onset was different than mushrooms for me, I always feel some body energy rising with mushrooms, but with this, it was more spaced out - I didn't feel the onset in my body, but in my mind. The first ten minutes of the trip were interesting. I had some great closed eye visuals (but no open eye visuals), and light looked interesting. I also paid much more attention to details, like I do on mushrooms. The rest of the trip was pure hell. It started with the imagery of an operating table being prepared by some alien intelligence for me. I didn't want them to do that (operate me), I sensed that something terrible would happen if they did that. And they didn't. But next The Other wanted to show me something. Something horrible, I felt. I tried to fight it, and didn't want to see it. I felt that if I saw it, something horrible would happen.

The next half hour I demolished my room while trying to fight for my sanity. I screamed 'fuck!' and 'I underestimated this!', stomped as strongly as I could on the floor with my feet, and hit the floor and doors as strongly as I could with my palms, shook my head really violently, jaw was trembling heavily, rolled on the floor like crazy and almost destroyed my stereo, hyperventilated, tried to cry but couldn't because I was too occupied with fighting for my soul, made the craziest grimaces I have ever done (using every face muscle in the process), constantly concealed my face with my hands because I was afraid of something, and ripped up my sofa with my teeth (I have a really big hole in my sofa now). Anyway I said I did this because I was fighting for my sanity. The Other wanted to show me something, but I felt that if it did, the most horrible thing would happen. This reminds me one thing Robert Hunter has said in a public correspondence with Terence McKenna (Orfeo): 'The Shadow, being that inalienable alienated part of ourselves which fears the utterly foreign Other, which is NOT a part of ourselves, finds it fears the Double even more than it fears the Other, since the Double necessarily knows the particulars of its dark existential existence which are NOT TO BE KNOWN by another. Murder, if not simple insanity, may well be the outcome.'

If I understand that correctly, each of us has a 'Shadow', and if we see our Shadow, something *bad* happens. Even if I didn't understand it correctly, this is exactly what I felt. Also, something that corresponds to this is: My friend also saw that every time I looked into the mirror to see myself (I have a big mirror in my room), I backed off in *PANIC*, throwing my arms over my head as if I had just seen something really horrible. Needless to say, I was really relieved I started to come down, especially since I managed to fight the 'Shadow' - I never saw it. I also feel very calm now, like someone who has won a fight. However I had really wished for something more positive - what I experienced was not the metaphor of horror, it was *pure* horror. Words can't come up with the horror I felt.

One positive thing may be that I have no idea what could scare me now … I really don't. I'd take Ayahuasca again, but only in a couple of years and with an experienced shaman. I wonder if other people have had an experience like I did, but I haven't found any reports of people that have felt the way and to the extent that I have. All in all I must say that I underestimated it. But I was more or less prepared for a strong psychedelic trip, but not for something like this! However I also think that nothing could have prepared me. Maybe I should have let the Other show me whatever it was trying to show me - but on the other hand no one wouldn't jump from a cliff trusting that his experience is nothing but a dream. Maybe a good shaman could have helped me.

Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 40955
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Mar 28, 2005Views: 13,095
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Huasca Brew (268), Syrian Rue (45), Mimosa tenuiflora (74) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)

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