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There is No You There is Only Me
Mushrooms & Alcohol
by KnifeAndrew
Citation:   KnifeAndrew. "There is No You There is Only Me: An Experience with Mushrooms & Alcohol (exp43471)". Erowid.org. Sep 12, 2007. erowid.org/exp/43471

 
DOSE:
3.5 g oral Mushrooms (dried)
    repeated oral Alcohol - Beer/Wine (liquid)

BODY WEIGHT: 175 lb


It started out as a very ominous night. Everything was set. I was waiting for a friend to get off work, he got off early. We had everything packed. All of the drugs and alcohol were taken care of. After several phone calls, we had everything we needed to get completely twisted on drugs in the forest. Camping grounds that is. We went to this park about 5 minutes or so from where we lived, and it was quite secluded from the outside world, where people live their daily lives in ignorance of what's really out there for them. We had found what was really out there. 'It's all about connection.' Si Senor.

We got there with a little trouble, J had almost wrecked my car getting there, through the front gate actually. Somehow a giant wooden pole just jumped out at him and he had to swirve to save our lives! So we met our friend O up at the camp site, the last camp site available in the entire park, and he had already dug into the grass, smoking almost an entire gram before we got there. He told us of his trials, chasing squirrels and playing guitar, while simotaniously having conversations with a nice and cozy tree that overlooked out firepit.

As soon as we got there the silly hats came on. I was the only one who wore my normal full brimmed fishing hat. P had his mad hatter hat, J had some odd mixture of a British/Santa Clause had that had these stars that lit up in a nice hue of red. O had his sombrero. Si Senor. We started chatting up at the trunk of O's car and already the neighbors had spotted us, one half drunk negro came over and started chatting. He wanted our drugs, and we are good people so of course we gave him some. It turns out his children had thrown his stash out for reasons that were beyond me. Glad to help.

He stumbled back to his campsite and we broke out the beers. 2 cases of MGD, bottled, for the 4 of us. The night had officially began. We get everything set up and I had learned that J2 was going to come up and keep us comapny for a while. J2 was cool, I'd only met her a few times and I had been high on several of those occasions. She had come down and J packed a bowl. Everyone except myself smoked from this wonderful peace pipe. I was getting drug tested so there was no chance I was going to get fucked, besides, there will be plenty of times to smoke in the future. As they all got ripped I started to get desperate for something to take control of me. The beer wasn't cutting it.

Around 8:00 or so we broke out the shrooms and divided them between ourselves, minus J2, who was leaving in a few hours to go to a party. I had a full eigth, while everyone else took a half eighths. I'd only done shrooms once before and I wanted to hallucinate or at least trip until my balls fell completely off and started to change colors and talk to me in tongues. I didn't know it but this was going to be the most intense and terrible drug experience I had ever had, that's not to say it wasn't beautiful and liberating at the same time. The shrooms did kick it quite quick, much quicker than my first time, and I welcomed it with an open mind.

Before long we started to go completely out of our minds, I had no possible clue of what was going on, the clouds made faces and the trees started to pulse. I heard Led Zeppelin. We had a few beers and I thought we should go introduce ourselves to the Zeppelin folk, who turned out to be very nice people, a little old, but still nice by any means. After a small chat we came back to our fire and I didn't know where O went, in fact O made several trips that night alone and nobody knew where he was or where he went, but that's ok because we trusted him.

We came back and somewhere O pulled out his Ipod and wanted to share his creation. He had made a song on his computer full of incredible and genious music. We came to the conclusion O was a mad scientist and had created a song that no one could handle, it was so intense, even without drugs. It was like he was the scientist who had stumbled upon LSD. Hoffman I think his name was. Oh well, that's besides the point. This music was genious and totally mind blowing with a head full of psilocybin. Many patterns and odd visions came about when I closed my eyes.

As the night went on we got more and more drunk and more and more insane out of our minds. I got very emotional, I had taken way too much, more than I could handle, but I had to. There was something throughout the midsts of all this that kept me sane and knowing that I would be ok. Whatever it was was like a needle in the haystack of the universe, in the sense that it was very far away and barely comforting but it was there. I missed my girlfriend, I felt like she completed me on an entirely new level.

In our shroomy madness, we all came to the conclusion that this was it. This was what it was about. Man sitting in front of a fire having good times, finding out the secrets to the universe, finally realizing that everything was connected, and in that sense, everything was everything. I am this fire. I am J. I am O. I am P. I am everything and everything is me. There is no individuality inside me or anyone. I was completely convinced that I was everything and everything was me. I couldn't tell the difference anymore. It was all about connection. That's all life is about, my connection to my friends, my family, my partner, my god. Whatever it is, that connection gives me a sense of hope and a feeling that everything will be ok, that I am not completely alone even when I feel completely alone. It's the subconscious explanation for being here.

I realized that existance is just the transfer of energy. My connection to everyone, every action I performed no matter how grandeur or minute was just transferring energy to someone or something. It got a reaction out of them, and their reaction affected something/one else and that energy transferred around the world. We die, our bodies give energy to the earth, that earth grows plants, those plants keep people alive, etc. It's all about connection. At this point circles started to make sense. There has never been a beginning, there will never be an end, I felt like I was the only thing that was real.

This drug began to take a turn for the worse. I felt like god, not some entity that controls life and the sort, but I was part of the energy. Everything is everything, there is no individuality, I got a vision of energy, on some supreme and spiritual level. I had decoded the entire universe, there is no fire in front of me, these friends arn't here. I started to see in terms of energy, nothing was real, its all just energy that I'm interpreting to my benifit, my friends arn't real, my family isnt real, I'm not real. My girlfriend isn't real. I swear to god my heart fucking broke. I fucking lost it. I felt so alone, yet I wasn't alone because I wasn't anything, I was everything, as was everything else.

I had a terrible identity crisis, I didn't know the difference between being myself, and being everything/one. The identity was there, hidden. I couldn't find it but it was there, or else why would I have felt so bad about the thought of my girlfriend being nothing? In fact, my girlfriend was me, and I was her. We were both energy. I couldn't take this any longer. If there is a god, I felt like I had met him, or rather I was him, because I had answered all of the answers to the universe that man had wondered since time began. I broke down. I cried. I cried because I had no purpose anymore, I didn't matter. I felt disconnected. I was just energy, my friends wern't there, I wasn't there, my family wasn't there, and my girlfriend wasn't there. We were all the fucking same.

I stared into the fire blindly and began to cry so hard because I had just lost everything I had ever loved. I loved my friends so much, I loved my girlfriend even more, she makes me whole and complete and I didn't feel like living any longer. I had lost my connection to everyone, because my connection to everyone was false, we were all the same. How can you have a connection to other people and things if they are you and you are them? You can't. I could not comprehend any of this. it couldn't be true. I hated this and I wanted it to end. I didn't want to live. I could have killed myself and I wouldn't have cared. But of course I didn't because I didn't because somewhere I knew I would be straight in a couple of hours.

Before I knew it O was reaching over to wipe my nose because I must've been crying a lot harder than I remember because my entire face was wet and I couldn't breathe at all through my nostrils, which were stopped up all the way back. I realized, I did have friends. They did care about me, and none of this terrible vision was true. I mean it was still relavent, but this helped me to come back. And I did. I came back slowly, but eventually I became sane again and connected with everything like I always had been.

As terrible and frightening as this part of the trip was, it was equally beautiful and necessary. It needed to happen. It liberated me and I felt cleansed. This was the wake up call I had been looking for a long time. Around 3 or 4 I was back to ground zero. Not entirely back but around 80 percent or so alright. I don't think I will be ok for a couple days, but I know I will be fine eventually.

I don't think this experience was a 'Difficult Time' or a 'Glowing Experience' but instead a mixture of both, so you decide what you want to take it as. I was surrounded by loved ones through this entire thing and that's probably the only thing that got me through it. I wasn't going to kill myself at any point, although I wanted to just to end the pain.

Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 43471
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Sep 12, 2007Views: 18,708
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Mushrooms (39), Alcohol - Beer/Wine (199) : Difficult Experiences (5), Mystical Experiences (9), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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