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I'll Never Have Her as Mine
by Psilocybe cubensis
Citation:   Psilocybe cubensis. "I'll Never Have Her as Mine: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp53124)". Oct 6, 2007.

5.0 g oral Mushrooms (dried)


The other night I decided to buy a half ounce of mushrooms. After we picked them up we went my friends house. Lets call him 'friend A'. His girlfriend we'll call 'friend B' and our other friend we'll call 'friend C'. We're all best friends and we get along great. We're always together and having a good time. Once we arrived at friend A's house it was around 9 or 10. Friends B and C decided they had to be home and couldn't take their eight of mushrooms that night. Friend A and I didn't know what to do with the mushrooms so he said we should split 3 eight bags of them to ourselves and give the other eight to his mom. I told him ok and picked the eight bag of smaller mushrooms with more in it. He picked the second smallest bag and we spit the third bag of small mushroom caps and gave his mom the other bag which had bigger mushrooms but fewer in it. She claimed it didn't take much to trip off mushrooms. We had bought from that dealer before and we hardly tripped off an eight so we ate what we planned on and chased them down with soda and I was the first done.

I was already a little bit sick from the night before and thought my immune system might be down but I blew it off anyway. After that we all walked down to the park which is about a mile away from his house. His mom decided to stay home and watch tv so she did. On the way to the park, about 20 minutes in, our jaws already hurt from laughing so hard and our eyes were huge! This we weren't use to, usually when we took mushrooms the morning after they'd hurt. No, we figured we were gonna trip hard. We were walking up to the main drag of the town when I saw my first trail, it was amazing. I looked to see a neon sign on the building in front of us and when I went to turn I stopped my sentence in awe at the 500 foot trail I saw from the bar to about a foot away from friend B's face. I quickly told them about the trail and claimed we were gonna trip really hard and it was settled with a 'fuck yeah!' from friend A.

Somehow or another we walked past about 10 cops just a few feet away with no fear and were right in the middle of the city lake which had empty carnival tents set up for the next day. There were cops swarming the area! Yet we felt so comfortable. I looked up at one of the carnival tents which was a bright purple and blue tent which started to ripple like it was an ocean in the sky. As I was looking friend A was chasing ducks and laughing really hard. I stopped to talk to friend B which I am and have been in love with for quiet some time now. I stopped mid sentence with her staring at me as I stared in amazement at the dollarweed on the ground. It looked to be a huge patch of white capped mushrooms everywhere I could see. I took my foot and lifted it and the sprinkler water that had settled on them looked to be the juices from mushrooms.

I quickly ran to the sidewalk and said that I didn't want to be standing in it all in front of the cop car which was parked about a 100 feet away in a vacant parking lot. He didn't scare me really. We had done nothing wrong. I asked friend C if we were walking ok and she said me and friend A were fine. From that moment on was a blur until we got to a friends house which we had decided to go to. He's a 45 year old hippy who has a lot of teenage friends. Two friends from our school were sitting on the couch in each others arms. They had been a couple for quite some time and were quite happy with each other. Our 45 year old friend was sitting in the recliner smoking a bong and watching the news like usual. We walked in and sat down.

At that moment I looked away from friend B's beautiful smile to look up and see the whole house with no outlines and in watercolors overlapping and running everywhere like a big sloppy impressionist painting. The only colors I saw were beautiful vibrant yellows, ambers, reds, purples, browns, tans, and oranges almost as beautiful as friend B. I didn't know what I wanted to look at anymore. But the rippling moving couch that the couple were sitting on caught my attention. The arms of the sofa and the blankets where breathing abnormally compared to everything else and stretching for the coffee table and moving around like some sort of under water creature you've find in the ocean reefs.

Everything was so intense. The happy couple had white light blinding me from looking in that direction. I just couldn't do it. I thought of the light to be their happiness pouring over me but blinding me as I am unhappy that friend B isn't happy with me like they were happy with each other. I couldn't see anything but their faces through the light which were morphing, stretching, disappearing features that would fade away and come back slowly with a different expression and puzzled look. By then I was ok but felt awkward being there since I don't know them all that well. I tried talking to the male friend and could only agree or disagree with what he said. I was too in awe over what I was seeing, too jealous of what they have and how beautiful it was.

I retreated to the kitchen to talk to friend B for a second about a 3D magazine cover just to stop thinking about them and us. I came back to look at our 45 year old hippy friend and his hair started levitating. Not just little pieces but all of his hair which is down to his back. It all started wandering around and fading away, breathing and living. At that moment I stared and backed into the kitchen behind his chair carefully not to walk into a blur of paint that could be an object and sat on the floor with friend B and C. As I sat down Music very loudly started blaring from behind me, very strong powerful intense red hot chili peppers, mid album, started racing against my heartbeat. I felt weird being in their house but not talking to them. A bad guest I thought out loud, a very awkward guest. I mumbled some words out of despiration to leave kindly and nicely.

Friend B and C then offered a optic fiber toy wand and I told them I had no interest in looking at that damn thing. The room and people themselves were so much more amazing and puzzling and intense to look at. Just then the recliner swivled very very fast next to me with a blank face with no features pointing a bong my way, Just then with a shocked open jaw I muttered some words loudly enough for everyone to hear me over the music saying 'Holy Fuck' or something of that sense out loud. As soon as I said that and backed away a foot or so scrambling in shock, his face appeared slowly. He was letting out a hit and said he was sorry for scaring me. I told him it was just me tripping out and claimed that I had to leave. Things were too awkward and intense.

I said my goodbyes to the 45 year old and as I raced for the door in awkwardness and despiration, the two on the couch stopped me by calling a familiar name I somehow knew. It was my own I realized. I put out my hands as if I was about to be attacked by a black bear and looked down away from them and their waves of happiness and love. I said goodbye and hurried out into the blueish orange sky that was crashing down on the vibrant green ground, the moon felt to be spying on me and I felt I needed to retreat back to the house where we started. A strong sense of taking too much swept over me and the night was a big painting.

My friends followed and my memories blur again to the point of where we were down the street from where we had begun, friend A's house. As we walked down the empty quiet streets hellbent on drugs, a car, then two cars came flying down the road perhaps 20 miles over the speed limit. Cop cars we all thought. They kept walking normally. I was losing it by then. I ducked out in fright which I've never done in my life near a cop and scurried off the road behind and under a citrus tree of some kind. I kept walking and the car stopped next to us and rolled down the window. Blackness inside of the evil. It rolled the window up and slowly slowly drove off. A white unmarked cop car. We rushed home.

Fear had come over me. We sat down in the living room couch's with friend B next to me on one couch and friend A and C hugging on the other like they always had. I paced the room then the kitchen. I was feeling sick. Vomit. I thought. I ran to the kitchen sink and got a teacup of water. I drank like mad. I was sweating bullets, dry heaving in the sink trying to puke. Nothing. Staggering into walls erraticly, holding my head, veins bulging like a heroin addicts. Suddenly screaming from all around. The doors cd was on. The lizard king thundered to 'wake up'. I sat down at the glass table. The shadows were drunk and running into each other more than so my first trip ever did. They morphed and reproduced other shadows.

Friend A came in and told me he wasn't feeling anything anymore. He put a red sharpie marker on the table and notepad and smoked a bowl in front of me. He told me to draw what I was seeing. I muttered that I didn't want to go to sleep because I don't think I'd wake up. I was scared for my life. 'Too much' I said. I started scribbling madly. The pen seeped it's red pool of blood and sank into the table through the notepad. I then stopped. My breathing picked up and got heavier. I was panting words. I had to concentrate. Sensory decay. Everything was white. White watercolor with faces somewhere beyond the wall of paint. I fell over to the sink and turned the water on. It sprayed on me like a snake hissing.

Madness in the living room I thought as the screaming of the cd faded away. All I could hear mars volta, my favorite band playing in my head but I wasn't sure. Such errie sounds in my head playing over and over on repeat. The last song I thought. I could hardly hear voices. They sounded so far away. Tracers everywhere in the background paint. I sat down next to friend B and sank into the couch. The were saying something but I couldn't hear anything. My muscles went numb. I was dying I thought. Their mouthes moving I couldn't think. Keep breathing I thought. I didn't want to give up on love and a beautiful world I quite enjoy. Their mouths kept moving. All I knew was I had to keep breathing. My breathing nearly stopped and I don't remember blinking for a few minutes.

I remember thinking I was dead. I was dead. Slowly I moved my arm and fingers up and moved my fingers and knuckles. Then turned my eyes towards them and was able to blink. I took a cup of water silently and still couldn't hear them. My veins were bulging like I've never seen before. I started getting numb again so I dropped the cup of water on myself in a last attempt to wake my body up. It hit my shirt and instantaniously woke my body up. It scared the fuck out of me and when I jumped a bit I heard friend C saying 'He threw the cup of water on himself!' I came out of the trance and I kept blurting in short words that I was gonna die. Friend A said then he thought I was a cool guy and a best friend to him. He said he liked my style and that I was holding myself together really well.

I thought of it as just positive enforcement because I was tripping so badly. He didn't mean it like that and I knew it. Even being best friends I knew it was only positive enforcement. Then I felt everything come back. I reached up and found that I was crying, I didn't know I was and asked myself if I was out loud while all 3 of them were staring me in the face like they always had been. They confirmed I was and Friend B let out an 'Awwww' and gave my motionless body a hug. Just then I knew I'd never have her as mine for some reason. She'd never love me. A cold reality to wake up to during a bad trip. I didn't want to accept the truth.

They left to go home when I started moving and from that point on it was all a blur. Next I found myself on the couch in darkness with nobody around me. I was alone. Friend A walked into his mom's room suddenly and she was puking and laughing at the same time very loudly. They were smoking the bowls again. Then his mom fell asleep after conversation. Friend A walked out on the back porch and I followed but stared and watched from the open kitchen door in the darkness. By then I was having a rather minor and pleasureable trip consisting of things rippling and seeing other minor colors.

Reality was quiet real and It made me very happy. I watched him put some sheets on the ground and looked at the sky. I walked out and talked to him. We then stared at the clouds in blankets and passed out talking and smoked an eight of grass in one sitting for a few hours. We then stared at the clouds in our blankets and talked until we were both so high we passed out talking to each other mid sentence. I woke up to find myself alone again. I got a drink of water and walked into the kitchen. 10:13 in the morning. I found friend A on the couch sleeping and his mom doing laundry in her room. She left for the store and I watched him sleep and went through this whole story until he woke up. Later I got a 24-48 hour flu. The end.

Exp Year: 2006ExpID: 53124
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Oct 6, 2007Views: 4,136
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Mushrooms (39) : Music Discussion (22), Relationships (44), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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