Citation: The Opus. "Prisoner In My Own Bathroom: An Experience with Mushrooms & Pharmaceuticals (Alprazolam, Zolpidem & Cyclobenzaprine) (exp54583)". Erowid.org. Feb 1, 2008. erowid.org/exp/54583
I have had little experience with psychedelics in the past, and probably should have taken this into consideration before deciding to take a heavy dose of mushrooms. The only psychedelic I have had previous experience with is DXM, which, at 1200 mg was now firmly set in stone as the worst experience of my life up until the night I'm about to describe. As far as other drugs go, I've done all the most popular 'feel good' drugs. Ecstasy, cocaine, heroin, and at the time of this experience I had been extremely addicted to prescription pain pills for about a year, anything from lortabs to oxycontin. I also should have taken this into consideration, as it became a big factor in my trip.
I had bought 7 grams of mushrooms from a trusted co-worker about a week before this night and split it with a friend out at a local lake, about 3.5mg each. This was my first experience with magic mushrooms, and I had mild visuals and an overall good experience. I wanted something much more intense, and I thought I was strong enough to handle it so I later bought what he said was a little over 7.5 grams from the same co-worker. He said it was all that he had left and he was selling it cheap. I was going to take all of it myself that night at home. I lived with my grandparents, but they went to sleep around 9:00 every night so when I got off work at 11:00 I proceeded to chew up every last bit of mushrooms in the little baggie he had given me with a label reading '7.5+' on the front. I crushed the bag and threw it out the window as I chewed up the last little bits of mushroom and cruised down the interstate. I lived about 20 miles away from work, so the rest of the way home I just picked the little pieces of mushroom out of my teeth and listened to some rather trippy music.
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
I arrived at my house around 11:30 and walked to my room, smiling and anxious for what I knew was guaranteed to be a memorable experience. I lay down in bed and stared at the ceiling, suddenly finding myself somewhat disappointed that I hadn't bought a few lortabs or some oxycontin to take along with the mushrooms to keep me calm. I almost always had a few laying around when doing any drug just in case things went bad and I needed a little sedation, they also proved to be amazing when trying to ward off the negative after effects of drugs like ecstasy and cocaine. Oh well, I thought. I opened my pill bottle and let the contents slide into my hand. I had one 2.5mg xanax, enough to be slightly sedating but nothing compared to say an 80mg oxycontin, which would be absolute heaven in an emergency. I also had 2 fairly strong ambien (sleeping pills) that my mom had given to me, so I figured that if worst came to worst I could just pop them both and expect to be knocked out within an hour at the most, seeing how one usually rendered me unconscious within 30 minutes.
I realized that I was thinking negatively, and this was probably a really bad idea. Yet I couldn't help but criticize myself for being so unprepared. I was by myself. My grandparents were in the next room. God I really hadn't thought this out. I decided to try and make the best of it. I had burned a CD earlier with a lot of trippy songs by Tool made especially for this experience. I popped it in the CD player and closed my eyes. It was about 11:45 when I first noticed that my door was beginning to melt, and the music was becoming louder and I was noticing sounds that I had never heard before, but were really in the music. It absorbed me and I closed my eyes.
The CD lasted about an hour, and it turned out to be the best part of the trip. As each song ended, I heard Maynard's voice guiding me through the recesses of my own soul, every word he spoke seemed directed towards me. When he whispered I listened attentively to his words and when I closed my eyes I could see him guiding me along a spiraling trail into what I knew was another dimension that would provide me the answers I had sought for so long. As each new song began I was guided along another journey, each with its own special meaning and lesson. Eventually, the last song ended and I found myself lost in darkness. This is where the worst night of my life began.
I considered turning the CD back on but I knew that I could not repeat my amazing experience with Maynard from Tool. I became somewhat frightened and my thoughts were racing. The lights were still off in my room and my eyes darted around in the darkness. After what seemed like eternity I mustered up the courage to reach up and turn on my lamp. I hadn't felt so scared to turn the light on since I was a child. I opened my eyes and the light shocked me as it revealed the swirling, melting walls all around me. Everything was spinning and both my eyes and mouth opened wide. I became nauseous and decided I was going to go to the bathroom and try to calm down in there. I was ready for this to stop, but I knew I was nowhere near the end.
I walked to my door, and found that I was unable to close my mouth. It was still gaping open and so were my eyes. I opened the door and hoped that nobody was up to use the bathroom because if anyone saw me they'd know immediately that I was not in the same world. I ran to the bathroom and realized that I was completely naked. I didnít remember taking off my clothes. I looked in the mirror and watch myself melt into the counter. The person looking back was not me, it looked like a version of me turned into a mushroom. My head was facing the ceiling, my mouth opened up wide, and my head looked like the top of a mushroom. I wanted to scream and prove that I was still alive, but I was completely and utterly scared of someone waking up and knocking on the bathroom door. I ran to the door like a maniac and locked it as quickly as possible. I turned on the heater to make noise to keep anyone from hearing me, and then looked at the fan sitting on the counter. I turned it on as well. I needed more noise. Now.
I turned on the bath water and let it run full blast. I turned the shower knob and watched the water fall into the tub. Not loud enough. I needed more. I wasn't safe. I turned on the sink and let the water run. Every appliance in the bathroom was on and I put my hands on my head and sat on the toilet trying to rationalize my thoughts and trying to keep from completely breaking down. I wanted to cry and scream because I felt like I was completely insane. I looked up at the heater, the fan, the sink running incessantly. I could hear the shower water hitting the floor of the bath tub. What the hell was I doing? I jumped at what I thought was the sound of a door opening outside of the bathroom. DAMNIT, DAMNIT, DAMNIT, was all that raced through my head. I thought my grandpa was awake. I imagined him standing by the door and listening to what was going on. I managed to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs although I wanted to so bad. I wanted to scream for help, someone to make it stop but nobody could ever possibly understand how horrible, absolutely horrible I felt.
Nothing could save me. It was time to die. Death was the only option. I couldn't stay here, I had to find a fast easy way to die. I tried my best to think of a way to kill myself. I pulled back the shower curtains and considered drowning myself. It would never work. I wanted to bash my head against the counter until I went unconscious, but I knew this wouldn't work either. I fell to the floor and tried to focus on something but it was all swirling, swirling, swirling... the world was spinning and melting around me. My stomach turned and I gagged. I found myself spinning around and falling onto the toilet, shoving my fingers deep down my throat. At first I puked up fragments of mushroom and the taste made me gag more, and tears began to squeeze out of my eyes.
I was in hell. This is hell, is all I could think as I continued to shove my fingers as far as they would go down my throat. I began throwing up nothing but stomach acid and I fell back to the floor. The light on the ceiling was extremely bright and I felt like I was going to die right in that spot, staring at the light, everything around me melting into oblivion. There are no words to describe the overwhelming sense of defeat I felt in this moment. No positive thought could possibly be formed in my mind, it was all death, despair, and pain. I laid there for an hour and waited to die. I began thinking, why do we hallucinate on mushrooms? Because weíre poisoning ourselves! Why didn't I think of that? I've poisoned myself too much. Iím going to die.
This went on for hours, a cycle of trying to find a way to kill myself, sitting on the toilet trying to regain sanity, and then falling back to the floor in despair waiting for death. Numerous times I considered calling an ambulance, telling them the only thing that could save me from death was morphine. I needed an injection right then and there, and that comfortable opiate feeling was the only thing that could make me feel safe once again. After spending hours in the bathroom, and at one point being sure that I was going to burn to death from the mixture of the steaming hot shower and the burning heater on the ceiling creating a steaming hell hole that I could not leave, I eventually managed to drag myself to the door and muster the courage to exit the god forsaken bathroom that had turned into a pit of water, throw up, and blood. I was soaking from head to toe and I wasn't sure why. I looked at my hands and they were covered in blood and throw up.
I opened the door and stumbled back to my room where I feverishly dug through my pants, grasped my pill bottle, and proceeded to pour the contents into my mouth. I chewed up the xanax, two ambien, and (I believe) a few flexeril. I fell on my bed and looked over at my cell phone. My girlfriend had called 12 times, I had 7 text messages, and 5 picture messages. I opened the phone and read numerous text messages asking if I was ok, begging me to respond, and the last one saying that I had an hour to respond before she was calling my house phone and having someone check on me. She knew I was tripping alone that night and I felt relieved to know she was concerned. I looked at the clock, I had 30 minutes left according to the time on the text message. I looked at the picture messages, each was the next stage of an intricate drawing she was working on. It was a Tool symbol that she had copied from the back of a shirt I had. I smiled and felt the first relief I had felt in what seemed like eternity.
'It doesn't mean much... it doesn't mean anything at all...Ē these lyrics from one of my girlfriend's favorite songs kept playing in my head as I thought about my experience. There was nothing real about what had happened, nothing spiritual, it was all fake. I would never do mushrooms again. I called my girlfriend, when I heard her voice I had a complete loss of words. Nothing could describe what was the most terrifying experience of my life. I found myself in shock. 'I'm ok...' I whispered. 'I'll tell you tomorrow... Iím going to sleep... but Iím ok... but you were right... I shouldnít have done it... goodnight' She understood, she always did. 'I told you so...' she said in a soft, comforting tone. She was obviously smiling, and happy to know I was all right. 'I love you...' I said, and I proceeded to close my phone.
The ambien and xanax began to kick in and I found myself drifting away into oblivion, I wouldn't wake up for about 12 hours. Needless to say, I had a lot of explaining to do regarding the mess in the bathroom the next morning.
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