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When Reality Disappears
Mushrooms, Cannabis, MDMA (Ecstasy) & Alcohol
by California Dreamin
Citation:   California Dreamin. "When Reality Disappears: An Experience with Mushrooms, Cannabis, MDMA (Ecstasy) & Alcohol (exp63169)". Erowid.org. Dec 12, 2007. erowid.org/exp/63169

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
3.5 g oral Mushrooms (dried)
  T+ 0:00   repeated smoked Cannabis (plant material)
  T+ 3:00 3.5 g oral Mushrooms (dried)
  T+ 3:30 1 tablet oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
  T+ 5:30 3 glasses oral Alcohol - Beer/Wine (liquid)

BODY WEIGHT: 160 lb


Drugs can be great, and drugs can be not so great. When I look back, I feel like I've gained a lot from my experiences with psychoactives. My first experiences were with marijuana and alcohol, and over the years I've experimented with several other plants/chemicals, including psilocybin mushrooms, cocaine, amphetamine, mescaline, MDMA, LSD, some pharmaceuticals, and a few other various chemicals here and there. None of these have developed into a constant use, although I have shown some signs of amphetamine addiction, which is why I won't use it anymore. The main reason I enjoy drugs is because I like to think and I enjoy relating to people. For me, hallucinogenic drugs are the best.

This report is on one specific experience, which is an odd one because I can't tell if it was a bad trip or a great one. I know that sounds weird, but I'll do my best to explain it. I had acquired an ounce of mushrooms for a real cheap price, and my friends and I were stoked to have some fun. Since they were so cheap, I was figuring they couldn't be that great, and it turned out I was wrong. We all got off work early, which worked out well, and each ate an eighth around 3:00pm. I've eaten enough mushrooms that I feel I've grown a bit of a tolerance to them. I would say I probably have the highest tolerance to mushrooms out of all of these friends, so I ate an eighth now, and planned on eating another one as I was peaking to extend my journey.

I've figured out that I hate the onset of mushrooms. Whenever I eat them, I get this irritated, kind of sickly feeling (possibly because I'm giving myself food poisoning.) Don't get me wrong, the experience is always worth it, but I just feel weird for the first 30 minutes or so, like I'm not myself at all. The onset with these mushrooms was quick. I tried to take a shower right after eating them, and by the time I got out of the shower, I couldn't figure out where I would go to find a shirt. I wasn't tripping really, but I was already losing my concept of reality after only about 25 minutes.

My friends were watching a DVD of the Gorillaz, called Demon Days Live. It's become sort of a ritual now, that we always end up watching this video. It's the most satisfying visuals and music to watch while tripping. But that's beside the point. I sat down to watch the video with them and within one song, I was tripping. Everything around me might as well have disappeared, there was just me, the couch I was on, and the music. I was going on a little journey through my head. I had a long day before I had even gotten out of work, so although I was excited to trip, I was stressed out and this is not the time to eat drugs. At first, I had really pleasant thoughts, but relatively quickly, my thoughts turned real negative.

All of the following thoughts happened within a couple of minutes, but on mushrooms, time loses it's meaning. It felt like an eternity of discomfort and negativity. I felt, all of a sudden, that something was terribly wrong. Something bad was happening somewhere, and there was nothing I could do about it. I have no idea what was bothering me, but it was ripping me apart and since everyone else was tripping, I couldn't seek help or even communication from any of them. I had a series of thoughts about different people in my life, and obviously my view of reality was totally distorted. I had this bad feeling like the girl I was after all of a sudden hated me, that I had done something to hurt her and could never be forgiven. Nothing had happened, I had talked to her the night before, it was just the drugs for some reason making me feel bad.

I had thoughts of my mother, who I hadn't seen in a while, needed my help and I was too fucked up to help. I saw different members of my family and other loved ones being hurt, and there was nothing I could do. Now obviously, I didn't actually SEE them, or know what was happening, but the mushrooms had me convinced that these things were happening and my imagination was running wild, only making it worse. I saw my sister in a horrible car wreck and no matter how much I was trying to help her (all the while sitting on a couch with my eyes closed), I could do nothing.

I opened my eyes and saw that no one was around anymore. My friends were all in my room, amusing themselves with whatever they could find. I just sat with my head in my hands for a minute, hoping I could get rid of this miserable feeling. As Iím writing this, Iím realizing that it doesnít sound nearly as bad as it was. It was the most emotionally depressed Iíve ever been, and it seemed like it would never end. Itís horrible to feel like I've done something so horrible to everyone I know, but I donít know what it was. I felt like I did nothing but hurt people, which is definitely not the case, but I felt like the world would be a better place without me. I never thought of suicide or anything like that, but I felt like I should just go to work everyday without socializing with anyone, because I would bring nothing but problems into their lives. Normally, I can avoid a bad trip by just reminding myself ďitís just the drug running its courseĒ. This time, itís almost as if I totally forgot I was on drugs. So instead of wanting the trip to end, I saw no end in sight. I accepted this as my new reality.

I thought maybe I should try and take my mind off of this. Iím only making things worse, I might as well try and have some fun. As I stood up, I felt like I was walking very strange. I felt out of place no matter what I was doing. I felt like I was invading someoneís privacy by looking into my own refrigerator. I went into my room to ask one of my buddies if I could use his bathroom. They reminded me that I was in my own house, and we had a good laugh about it. It was here that I realized I was tripping real hard. I couldnít believe that I had become such a retard off only 3 Ĺ grams.

I sat with them for a little while, and smoked a few bowls of some pretty decent bud. Whenever I would let myself drift, I would start to get those horrible feelings again. This is bad, because I have pretty severe Attention Deficit Disorder, and when Iím tripping, my focus level drops sub-zero. Iím usually the guy who is trying to make everyone laugh and feel good when Iím tripping, thatís what I love about tripping. This time, I wasnít capable of relating to people, I was too weird. But I now started to realize that being in the company of good people who cared about me was all I needed to remind myself that Iím not a bad guy.

We sat in my room listening to Thievery Corporation for a while, and smoking bowls constantly. About an hour and a half had passed since I ate my eighth, and I was still real fucked up. Everything seemed like it worked differently than I had always believed. The motion of a door opening seemed confusing, as if these were a new kind of doors that had just been invented. Nope, same old doors. We ended up just hanging out until we were peaking, and once we were descending back into reality, we decided to go for a walk. My favorite part of tripping is after I peak. I still get little visuals, and every thing is super amusing. But I can function in society, Iím not so limited that all I can do is sit on my couch and waste away. So I threw on my aviator sunglasses that I always seem to wear when Iím tripping, and we were out the door.

I brought the extra eighth with me, as did two of my friends. This is a horrible idea, but it made sense at the time. We were just walking down the street, munching on mushroom caps, and we see another friend of ours just getting off the local bus, coming back from work. We had another eighth left, and he ended up eating that. We had intended on going down to the park, but plans changed when we found out that he had a bunch of rolls back at his house. These rolls were pretty diesel, or so I had heard. They were triple stacks, and since I havenít done much ecstasy, I figured one would be more than enough. About 15 minutes after finishing my second eighth of the day, probably around 6:30pm, I popped down a roll, and was on my way. We went downtown to get something small to eat, and get some waters. I had at least an hour before the molly kicked in, so I figured we might as well keep busy.

We sat outside a local sandwich shop, discussing the stupid things we only talk about when we're on drugs. I remember staring at an ant carrying a crumb of bread for the longest time. This was so fascinating to me, and I wished I could talk to him. I wanted him to tell me where he was trying to go, so I could pick him up and move him there. I was starting to trip pretty hard again from that second eighth, and the MDMA might have been setting in. I felt really good, and I kept telling my friends how stoked I was to have them as friends. We were all on drugs, so we just kept agreeing that we are a great group of people.

My breathing felt strange, so I took a huff or two off my inhaler. All of a sudden, deep breathing was the most enjoyable thing I had ever felt. I went in to use the bathroom at the sub shop, took off my shades and looked at myself in the mirror. I didnít look to me like myself, but I was totally satisfied with this new me. I stared at my pupils in the mirror for a while, and they were HUGE. I didnít see anything wrong with this, I just kept staring. I almost forgot to even use the bathroom, but when I did, even that was very enjoyable. When I came outside, the guys I was with were talking to some girls I knew from a few years back. They finished up their conversation, and the girls said ďsee you boys tonightĒ as they left.

It turns out, we had picked the right night for some ecstasy. There was a big party at this girlís house, and it just seemed to be the right place to be on drugs. We split up to get ready for the party, and agreed to meet up at my place at 8:15pm. I took the greatest shower of my life, got ready, and by 8:15 I was rolling balls. When we got to the party, Aphex Twin was blasting so loud, you could hear it from two blocks away. This made me real happy, since I love that music when Iím rolling. I bounced around the party being extremely social with everyone, not even remembering the bad trip I had earlier that day. My only concern was making sure everyone was having fun. MDMA makes me extremely empathetic, and I just want to be there for people. I want to make people feel good, which is a good thing, but itís too bad when itís a chemical that makes you that way and not anything natural.

I played a few games of beirut (beer pong, depending on where youíre from). Apparently, drinking while rolling is really bad for you. I wasnít concerned though, I just wanted to have fun. I ran into the girl I had been chasing, and got super excited. I think I sort of made her uncomfortable at first because I was so much more outgoing than normal. But once I explained I had been on drugs all day, she understood. I hung out with her for a good hour or so, and we decided to leave the party. We went for a walk, and everything was perfect, except there was no musicÖ and I just have to have music while I'm rolling/tripping. We talked at length about everything. It seemed like we seriously discussed everything there is to talk about.

We went back to my house, and she said she was hungry. I decided to make her some food, which is weird because I cooked her some pasta dish that Iíve never even heard of, and donít even know the ingredients. She said it was delicious, and I donít understand how I pulled off that magic trick. Maybe because I was tripping, I just understood what would taste good together. I donít know. We ended up in my room listening to music and just talking. Hanging out with her had brought me from party mode to relaxation mode. I was totally satisfied with everything, life just seemed so great. We laid together, and just talked some more. Holding on to her made me feel better than Iíve ever felt. And I mean that. Sure, sex is fun, and I enjoy it a lot. But I was glad that we didnít end up having sex, it just felt great to be that close to someone. I had the most satisfying night of my life, and fell asleep with her in my arms, and not a care in the world.

I woke up the next morning with her still in my arms in the same position I had fallen asleep. My body hated me, as I had abused it all day the day before. Ecstasy makes my back hurt sometimes, and my head feels like the chemical did massive amounts of destruction for the next morning. Mushrooms on the other hand, make me enjoy life the next day. I feel like I solve all of my problems when Iím tripping, so I wake up the next morning excited about where life will take me.

When I look back on it, I canít believe how so much good and so much bad can happen in such a short period of time. The first few hours were so miserable, I didnít want to exist anymore. I felt like eating some Xanax or something to just make it go awayóI figure if I wake up tomorrow and donít remember, it never happened. Right? But after that bad trip wore off and my friends cheered me up, assuring me that everything was fine and I was just fucked out of my head, I had one of the best nights of my life.

I guess the important lesson is that drugs like psilocybin and MDMA are not to be used too often. They lose their mystical experiences when youíve done them too much. Iíve done mushrooms a million times, and each time they get less and less meaningful. However, Iím fairly new to MDMA, so every experience is still important and life changing.

Exp Year: 2006ExpID: 63169
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Dec 12, 2007Views: 9,537
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Mushrooms (39), MDMA (3) : Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Hangover / Days After (46), General (1), Various (28)

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