Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Gregg Dix. "Loss of Presence: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp69734)". Erowid.org. Feb 6, 2016. erowid.org/exp/69734
My second adventure into the mystical realm of psychedelic mushrooms
It was a Friday afternoon, around 1:45 pm. Jeff, Kevin, Beck, Scott, and myself left my house on foot headed for the hills behind my house. With us we had two backpacks, a pillow, a big white sheet, a very fluffy and warm blue blanket, four water bottles, one big jug of Sunny D, some pencils, a radio, and of course the most important part of our 'trip' the mushrooms. Five bags, each containing an eighth (except for Scott who had about ½ - ¾ an eighth due to it being his first time) of what we were told to be very strong cubensis psilocybin mushrooms. Kevin, Jeff, and Beck had all tripped on half an eighth earlier that week, but it had been a few months since my last mushroom trip. So it was my second time, Scott's first, and Jeff beck and Kevin's third.
We walked to the top of a hill overlooking this valley; we sat down and ate the mushrooms. To me they did not taste that bad at all, just seemed like a lot to get down. But everyone else seemed to dislike the taste very strongly. We all washed it down with some juice then continued our walk down into the valley. Beck ran off into the woods as I assumed he might due to him repeating that next time he did mushrooms he wanted to be alone. The rest of us set down the big white sheet under a shady tree and lay down to let the effects kick in. We all were excited, maybe a little bit nervous/anxious, but all in good moods. At first the familiar feeling of heaviness and fuzzy buzzing kicked in all over my body, as I looked into the tree above me the limbs seemed to pull away from me and each other. At this point time started to lose relevance and I can't be sure of any of the time passing I mention here.
After some time I stepped out into the sun, the sun had this awesome presence, it was warm and powerful, a God like figure. Scott stepped into the sun with me as Jeff walked a bit of a ways down a hill. He noted how amazing the warmth felt, Kevin mention how cold he was in the shade so we invited him into the sun with us, he shouted out how wonderful it felt to stand in the sun and we all shared smiles and laughs. We then sat down and I looked around me. The scenery had definitely changed, nothing seemed to sit in space as it normally would, and nothing was stationary. I laid back and closed my eyes. Instantly I saw a rush of geometric flowing orange, yellow, and red patterns behind my eyelids. It was amazingly beautiful and I was awe struck. I began to see images of the Buddha, and I believe someone mentioned something about Jesus as I felt and saw the presence of Jesus, Buddha, and other unidentified figures. I then heard the scream of a hawk and opened my eyes. The scream filled my ears and the entire valley with a reverberating echo; it was absolutely gorgeous, and so primitive.
The visual wave faded and Kevin and Scott decided they wanted to explore, but my body was too heavy to do this so I lay in the sun and Jeff came and laid under the tree. After what seemed like a few seconds but it had to be more, Kevin and Scott yelled to me from atop the hill that lined the valley, I smiled and waved to them but then they seemed to disappear, but their yells reverberated the same way the hawk's scream did, and I felt them all around me. I stood up and as I did so I saw reflections of myself on either side of me. Everything green seemed to grow and stick out, and a bush multiplied along with the reflections of myself. I reached down and touched it and saw the multiple images of myself do the same, and the one on my left seemed to look at me. A tree in front of me multiplied infinitely and it was almost too much imagery to take in, but I enjoyed it thoroughly.
I lay back down and began to forget who I was, I kept asking 'Who am I?' in my head and getting answers that began with 'Gregg Dix' and ended up with 'no one.' I was definitely speaking with myself, or another part of myself. I got up and walked over to Jeff who was under the blanket and looked very comfortable and happy, I lay next to him and he gave me my pillow. I began to feel it very strongly and Jeff told me he believed that the strongest part of our trip was yet to come. I began to feel slightly nervous and asked Jeff what we were doing, he said I had eaten mushrooms, I asked him if he had as well and he responded with a yes. I asked him if he was my brother and I told him that I am Gregg Dix, he seemed to know all this already, but as I told him my name it seemed meaningless and empty.
I laid down and felt a loss of reality, I held Jeff's hand and asked him if he liked mushrooms, he told me 'sometimes.' And I knew exactly what he meant. He meant that he did enjoy experiencing new thought patterns but at times it can be overwhelming, but it is something that you have to go through in order to find understanding and our ultimate goal of something like enlightenment. This all came through mentally. He kept telling me that he is 'on my side' and I also knew what he meant, but it is a twin thing, and it's very hard to explain. I kept asking him strange questions about reality, people, objects around us, not really caring what I said, just saying what came to mind, forgetting what was 'embarrassing' or not appropriate. I am glad I have such an open brother who is also my best friend who is willing to listen to any crazy thing I have to say and even respond to it in an understanding and accepting way.
I then laid face down. This is where the most intense part of my experience began. I began to feel reality slipping away, I would shout things pertaining to reality, such as Jessica's name, (My girlfriend whom I am in love with but sadly could not join me that day) which caused me to for a moment believe I was her and then my friend Kevin. I entered a strange world in my head; it was filled with language, numbers, confusion, loss ness, and amazement. I began to believe that everything in my life up until this point had been an elaborate lie. I was not Gregg Dix; I was a primitive mind with no real connections to reality except for this body I was soon going to leave. I forget everything around me and I became one with something else. I was somewhere new that felt familiar and real, but I was scared to leave 'reality.' Ego loss….reality loss.
Suddenly it was night, my brother told me to get up because we had to go find our friends. During the sunset, which I do not remember except for yelps of coyotes and reverberating auditory hallucinations, I had somehow come to terms with the fact that what I thought to be reality was not real, and I was strangely OK with that. I ran from Jeff thinking he was make-believe and I felt a rush of flight and saw everything around me bend and melt. Suddenly I saw a flash of light as Jeff beckoned me back. He was holding a light, the light felt and looked real so I went to it, I told him the light was real. I then grabbed him as he was franticly cleaning up and hugged him because I realized he was my brother Jeff, and I told him this, he reassured me who he was. We began walking up the hill but I was freezing, I somehow had the blanket and wrapped it around me. Jeff had wanted me to help him carry backpacks and our gear but I still believed it all to be fake, and refused to carry it. I feel bad but Jeff managed to carry everything. He was still very understanding of the state I was in and willing to help me. We walked up the hill as trees melted and bent around me, Jeff and the light the only stationary figures of reality.
As we walked up the hill I was convinced all the problems in my life were meaningless due to the fact that they were fake and this made me very happy. We began to reach the top of the hill and I believed that over the top I would fall into a black eternal nothingness and cease to be a part of reality.
I welcomed this.
I ran to the top but as I went over the crest I saw the neighborhood I was once a part of, I was in disbelief. THIS WAS NOT RIGHT. There was not supposed to be any sort of reality. And what a strange reality it was, street lights bent, cars flew through houses, stars fell. I fell to the ground and wrapped myself in the blanket as reality started to rush back into my brain. Reality came in waves the same way the effects of the mushrooms come in waves, as Beck said 'You just have to adapt.' Jeff sat down next to me with the flashlight. I buried myself inside the blanket and remembered this is where I had eaten mushrooms. I remembered that before I began hallucinating it was day time, so I thought that the night time setting I was now in was just a hallucination. I poked my head from the blanket and it was a strange orange dawn like place, it was night no longer. But as quickly as it came it went, and I realized it really was night. Jeff shined the light on me and it was comforting. I took my arms out of the blanket and hugged my brother.
Suddenly I heard shouts of happiness coming from down the hill and Jeff very excitedly told me that our friends were back. I got out of the blanket and saw these figures stretching from normal height to ten feet tall come near me. They looked like my friends but they felt like a dream. They began to talk about what we were to do next as a sense of calm happiness fell over me. They seemed fake but I accepted their unreality and Scott gave me his jacket. Everything still felt like a dream as I smiled and watched my reality come back to me.
We walked out of the hills to the street, I somehow called Jessica and I wanted her to come see me but the others thought inviting more people was a bad idea, but her voice was sweet and beautiful and I was very glad to speak to her. She was real. We then walked to a park, finding some more friends but eventually leaving and talking about our trip and our views on our mind and our lives.
This had to be one of the most profound life changing events to ever happen to me. I truly lost who I was and entered a new state of being. It was scary at times but it also had moments of beauty and oneness. I saw things I have never seen before and felt things I never knew I would feel. I'm glad I put myself through this. And I'm glad I had my brother to be there with me, he is the best friend I have. I love all those with me and I love all those in my life that could not be with me that day as well. This made me realize how much I really do love this reality I live in, even if it can be questioned, these other people with me are real, they are a part of the one true strange and amazing trip everyone takes...
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