DOSE:

2.6 g

oral

Mushrooms

(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

95 lb

I don't want to say that my trip was 'bad'. I don't believe that, to any thoughtful person, a trip can be all negative. There are 3 things, though, that I think made my first mushroom experience frightening at times. 1) I was talked into trying mushrooms. After weeks of a dance between agreeing to try them while I was high on weed, but then when sober again insisting I wasn't ready to trip, I one day gave into my friend's pressure and the wheels were set in motion. 2) I have an intense fear of vomiting, and of people around me vomiting. 3) I did no research on mushrooms before chewing them up last Sunday. If I would have done research I would have known that nausea is a very common side effect and would have taken steps to block it out. I had absolutely no idea what to expect.

Setting: Took these bad boys with my closest friends around 3pm. Josh, who had tripped twice before, Jay, and my boyfriend Cameron. Logan was the trip-sitter. The day was hot, probably 90, a typical Nebraska summer day.

So, we chewed them up at Cameron's house. They were brown with lots of little bluish veins in the stems, I wish I knew what kind they were. From there we went to our favorite spot, people call it the cliffs. It's a beautiful little spot near a park, with big orange and white clay cliffs, a winding river, everything surrounded by trees and plant life. Even on the car ride there we began feeling them. I'll divide my trip up into 3 stages. The first one began here.

Stage 1: The anxious fun stage. I was in the back seat of the car when I was suddenly struck with the notion that everything around me was bending and laughing. The seat in front of me moved like television static, cars that drove past stretched and elongated in a way that made me think of pee-wees playhouse, and colors were looking much, much more colorful. None of us besides Josh really knew what was going on. We were all laughing and smiling, saying things like 'What?!' and 'Oh my god!' By the time we were finally pulling up, I thought that if I had to wait in that car 1 more second I would explode. This was half because of my burning desire to explore and run around, and half because my stomach was telling me very mean things. You could say I felt anxious and sick, but the happiness was overriding.

We climbed the long twisting path that lead to the cliffs. Finally we got there but it was hot, there was little shade, we were all feeling uncomfortable from our stomachs. Cameron and I both had an insatiable desire to explore, and we did so. Everything felt super-energized yet groggy and earthy, like an impossible hybrid of speed and cannabis. We were both having a blast running around but I felt the nausea and anxiety slowly grinding away. After a bit of exploration, we went back to the main path and found Josh and Jay both laying on the ground listening to music, looking unhappy and uncomfortable. They confirmed this. We left then, going back to the car, although Cameron and I spent a few minutes circling a large happy tree, struggling in the trippy grass against the desire to climb it. It was time to leave. In the car ride home, things began to change.

Stage 2: The majority of my trip, terror and sickness. We got back to Cameron's house and Cameron and I were both distracted by a sprinkler in the neighbor's yard. We felt hot and sick, and boy did that water feel fantastic. His back yard called the 5 of us though, so we settled in back there. Things start getting unclear here. Cameron, Logan and I stayed together but I think about this time Josh and Jay went inside. We were pacing around, talking, laying down on a picnic table then standing up again, sitting down, unbearably hot, disgustingly uncomfortable, sick to our stomachs, (but not about to give in and throw up, no sir, no way) yet still pulsing with that energy. I wanted so badly to explore his overgrown and pretty back yard but my legs kept buckling under me, I felt so sick, and the thought that maybe I would have to throw up scared me a lot. Time was something nonsensical at this point, so I don't know how long we paced like that, but it felt like hours.

After that unknown amount of time Cameron scooped me up and carried me into the lush grass. We laid down, and for a little bit I felt comfort and happiness in that familiar act of laying in nature with him. Josh came outside and told us that he was leaving. He had to find the peace, and Cameron's house felt hectic. A little while later, Jay came outside. He had been throwing up. He was sobbing, he said he'd never been so scared in his life. Logan left with him to drive him to a friend's house, so it was just Cameron and I. Then, suddenly, or maybe over a long time, I crashed. I couldn't escape the sick feeling, I couldn't stop tasting the mushrooms, I was scared and somehow convinced myself I was dying. Everything in me was hot, then suddenly I would be cold, I felt sick, I was confused. I had hallucinations of my mother upset and crying over me. I felt like this terror was infinite, that the mushrooms would never leave my system and this was now my eternity.

The crying came. Cameron tried hard to comfort me, but how much can a person who's tripping balls do? He hugged me and I sobbed for hours, talking a lot of gibberish, trying to explain the overwhelming emotions. Never have I been so completely sad, or felt so unintelligent, or been so frightened of what was happening. Vaguely I can remember sobbing and ranting about 'things doing things'. I was completely consumed and confused by the question of why things do things. I couldn't stop asking why. People take mushrooms, and wood is on houses, and trees grow with their leaves, and nature exists, and I couldn't understand why, and because I couldn't understand it I hated it. I hated everything around me. Cameron tried to promise me it would be over soon but I didn't believe him. Everything I saw besides Cameron I disliked so strongly that it made me sob for hours. The neighbor lady Rita? Fuck Rita. Fuck that thing above the door. Fuck grass. Fuck the smoldering hot sun. Fuck everything except this blanket and my boyfriend. The confusion was overwhelming. I felt so small. The insignificance of my existence struck me and I knew that I could very well die and nothing would change. I was a toy of the universe. I had no control over anything larger than myself. I was just another thing, doing things, everything was 'doing it', and none of it mattered at all. For the life of me I could not understand why Cameron wasn't feeling as miserable and hopeless as Jay and I seemed to be, but his happiness gave me comfort.

Stage 3: Thank God for a kid called Windle. He phoned me and his stoner ass just sounded so divinely chill, so happy and relaxed, that I was finally reminded of nice things in the world. He talked to me about ice cream, about bailing hay, and he laughed about things I told him. Then, Cameron said something goofy, and I laughed. The clouds broke. I wiped up my wet face and snotty nose and I didn't feel sick. I got off the phone and sat with Cameron, amazed that I could possibly feel happy, completely mindfucked about the last few hours. The sky was beginning to turn orange as the sun set. For an adventure, I went inside, and was absolutely breathtaken by the kitschy beauty of everything around me. His cluttered kitchen, vibrant with decorative thises and thats, pulsed like it was aware of my presence. One of his many cats perched on top of the couch, behind his bass guitar, her tail furling and unfurling, her eyes staring at me with such an acute awareness and understanding of me, I will never forget it. Everything felt to me like I was Alice in wonderland. After staring into the cat's eyes for a long while, I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror at a woman I've never seen before. She was me, but she was older, and different. Whimsical and moving and intricate and unusual.

A polar opposite from before, everything now pleased me so intensely. Everything was such fun to look at. Everything was something. And still, things were doing things, for no apparent reason, but I loved it. Beauty and comedy composed the universe.

The remainder of our trips, Cameron and I laid in his room and listened to Modest Mouse, my one true solace. I watched plants bloom and curl and flower, trees sway, and in his room signatures on his wall faded and snaked and danced, rust bubbled like cauliflower on his bedframe, conversation was naturally full of comical and funny ideas. The last part of my trip was absolutely wonderful and I'm disappointed to have missed out on the most intense part of my experience because of terror. I was so lucky to have somebody I love there with me the whole time.

When I try mushrooms again I think I'll take a Dramamine and some ginger. The experience was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. From the plants blooming and bending, to sparkles of light dancing on the swirling patterns in our blanket, to little berries on trees and bushes inviting us to hold them, squish them, everything was breathtaking. Even as I was terrified the beauty struck me.

To anyone wishing to try mushrooms, I would tell you that you can not hide from anything. Fear will find you if fear is inside of you. And because beauty is everywhere, that will find you as well. Respect the mushrooms. Marvel at nature. Stay close to someone you love. You can never, never, never know what to expect.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 72630
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Oct 11, 2013	Views: 5,787
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