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Existential Agony
by J Tripper
Citation:   J Tripper. "Existential Agony: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp74670)". May 2, 2020.

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  T+ 48:00   oral Mushrooms
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  T+ 0:00   smoked Tobacco


I really have no idea how many ounces I'd taken. I ate eight or so fresh caps and 8 or so dried ones. These were large ugly ones which looked like portobellos, with a few penis caps thrown in.

I was 21 at the time, and had very extensive experience with marijuana for the past 5 years, and had done LSD roughly 6 times-all within the past year. I was going to college for Recording Arts at a prestigious media university.

Each of the three days prior to this experience, I'd also taken shrooms
Each of the three days prior to this experience, I'd also taken shrooms
, which is important to note. The friday before was my first time eating shrooms, making the experience I'm going to write about the fourth. A cousin of one of the friends I'd been doing them with that weekend had tons and tons in his house, and had somewhere where he picked them by the hundreds and sold them. Well, friday, saturday, and sunday, we all visited this individual and ate a shitload of shrooms. It was fun though I hardly remember anything at all from any of those times. Now, I'm going to talk about the following monday, where I had one of the worst experiences of my life:

After a fun weekend of tripping on shrooms, it was now monday morning and time to go back to school. I still had a bag with 16 caps or so in it, some dried-some fresh. I really wanted to just eat the rest of the shrooms and be done with it, so I decided to eat them on the way to school, so they would kick in while I was in class. I'd taken pretty large doses of LSD by myself and didn't have any problems, and the shrooms didn't seem to be as intense, so I figured it would work out fine and that class would be more interesting.

Didn't start to notice any effects until an hour and a half after ingestion, at which time I was sitting in class feeling very nervous. I started to feel very very nauseous and I wasn't even noticing visuals yet. I think this is because I'd already eaten them 3 times in a row during the past three days. The nausea got worse over the next half hour, and I went to the bathroom and made myself puke. I must have made myself puke ten times, between about 3 trips to the bathroom during class.

The feeling that grew inside me and eventually seemed to take over me during the time I was there can only be described as existential agony. What I mean by that is that it hurt to exist. It started as a slight anxiousness, and over an hour grew to where nothing I could think about could calm my troubled mind and bring me peace. All my thoughts were just a chain of questions, each thought that occurred was simply questioning the last one. It never ended.

It felt like my soul had died. I waited it out for a while, hoping that it would subside and I could start enjoying myself. I looked for visuals to focus on and there were none. Just this giant, hungry, yawning vastness inside me which nothing could fill. It was awful. Like nothing I have ever felt before. So I decided to leave school and go home.

I don't remember the car ride, but I'm pretty sure that it went fine and I just hauled ass home like someone who really wanted to get home. It's about a 30-45 minute drive. [Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]

I went in my room and laid on my bed trying to relax. By this time it was even worse. I took off all my clothes and just laid on the bed all sprawled out. I spent the next two hours rolling around on my bed, and on the floor in complete, utter agony. I wanted to die, and if I had a quick and easy way like a gun, I probly would have offed myself. Intellectually I knew that I had taken a drug, and that it would eventually leave my system, but it was so bad that it just didn't seem to matter. Right now, in this moment of time was all there was, and all the present moment was was anguish.

Eventually, it began to subside and I started feeling better. A few hours later, I went to a friends house and smoked some hookah with her. We were blowing smoke bubbles with a plate full of bubble-soap and a toilet paper roll. I was trying to form a bubble, and clumsily pulled the hookah off the stand, getting water all over the carpet. I stood up, and while my friend and her boyfriend cleaned up the mess I became self conscious and then began to feel light-headed. I went to the bathroom and closed the door while fumbling with the light-switch. I never got the light turned on, and I fell down in the dark bathroom and was unconscious for a few minutes.
I fell down in the dark bathroom and was unconscious for a few minutes.
As I gained some consciousness, I began to see this eyeball staring at me and it seemed like it meant something, but I wasn't fully conscious yet. After a minute, I kinda of asked myself what was going on, and came fully into awareness. I went back into the living room and they were back on the couch with the hookah set up again.

I think my brain was simply exhausted from the experience and gave out momentarily.

That was a terrible, terrible day. I didn't experience any of the effects normally associated with mushrooms..No visuals, etc. I'm sure that my experience turned out this way because it was the fourth day in a row that I had eaten shrooms. And it had simply built up in my system.

This one experience left a bad taste in my mouth, to say the least. Today, I was cleaning out my car and I saw one of the dried shrooms just sitting in a corner, way down in my center console. Immediately, a terrible feeling came over me and my stomach began to churn. As I sucked it up into the vacuum, it disintegrated into dust from being in my car so long, and the sight of it made me want to wretch. It had been there for 6 months. I will never, ever, eat shrooms ever again. I don't even think this would happen again if I did, it's just that I know that my stomach would instantly reject them. To this day, I no longer will eat anything with mushrooms on it at all. I don't like to be around, or look at pictures of mushrooms. I don't want anything at all to do with them.

After this day, I, as well as my friends and family noticed that I'd changed noticeably. Nothing I can really put my finger on; it was just an intense experience which affected me greatly and left me changed is all I can say.

Exp Year: 2008ExpID: 74670
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 21 
Published: May 2, 2020Views: 465
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Mushrooms (39) : Bad Trips (6), Multi-Day Experience (13), Difficult Experiences (5), School (35)

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