Citation: Brother Love. "My Chemical Tools for a Happier Life: An Experience with Mushrooms, MDMA & Ketamine (exp82123)". Erowid.org. Feb 11, 2021. erowid.org/exp/82123
I had been noticing that every mushroom trip I had brought to my attention this white noise blanket of emotional damage that caused me to feel shame and self loathing all the time, and had been reading what I think was chapter 14 of TIHKAL, the one in which Ann Shulgin writes about treating her patients with deep rooted psychological issues with MDMA so they can make the connections of the emotions and memories in the unconscious mind that are buried since childhood and to find them, define them, understand them, and finally learn to accept them (Jungian psychology I think its called).
So I decided to try my own chemical therapy session to get rid of these unwanted emotions and a few weeks ago was when I finally had access to all the right tools. I bought and ingested an eighth of mushrooms to bring these unwanted emotions to my attention. 40 minutes later I took two pills of MDMA to reach and communicate with these emotions and their memories. At this time it was getting pretty dark, emotionally speaking. I didn't want to go in the house, every time I did I got scared and nauseas, thankfully I had a friend who went in and grabbed my cigarettes and orange juice for me.
I wanted to be alone for a while so I went deep into a place in my garden where I was surrounded by trees and sat a chair down there. I closed my eyes and allowed the memories and shame to wash over me, feelings of self loathing and never being good enough for my parents surfaced, remembered how constantly I was told as a child that there must be something wrong with me, even though the therapists never actually diagnosed me with anything, it was clear to them I was not a normal kid and that must mean there was something wrong with me.
As the visuals got stronger I experienced the presence of what Ann Shulgin calls the Beast-Survivor, and what Carl Jung calls the Shadow. It was a mobius form of all my self hatred, and I couldn't help but want to fight it, and for a while I did. Until I remembered that you can't fight it, its always going to be there, all you can do is open up to love and accept it so it becomes your ally and not your enemy. But I couldn't even fathom trying to love something so grotesque, the epitome of everything I loathe about myself. So that's where the ketamine came in.
I stepped out back to where my friend was, silent and stone faced, and we set up a little table to chop up and rail the dissociative that I bought for just that purpose, to allow me to leave my unhappy way of viewing the shadow, and be reborn in a sort of way. At this point the ketamine had become the Beast-Survivor for me now, I spent around 40 minutes barely speaking, just looking at it, actually afraid of it. Some understanding words from my friend gave me the courage to just do it, and at that moment my life changed. I saw the world anew, with a fresh perspective, and I saw myself anew, without the shame that burdened me every day. Since then I have been happier than ever.
I'm hoping a few who read this might be able to use it to try to improve the quality of their life, and learn how to use drugs in a positive way. Happiness, sadness, its all subjective, it is what you make of it, we can be infinitely blissful or infinitely depressed, sometimes it just takes a few chemical tools to show you how.
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