Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Kiss_the_sky03. "Rediscovering a Life Once Lost: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp82739)". Erowid.org. Jan 9, 2020. erowid.org/exp/82739
The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
The Rediscovery of a Life Once Lost
I would like to begin by giving a little background information about myself. I am a 22 year old white male. I am currently going into my senior year at my local University. I grew up in a fairly typical middle class home and neighborhood. I have recently gone through some relatively difficult times within the past year. The two biggest issues have been the ending of my four year relationship with a girl that I was very much in love with. My little brother was also kicked out of my parent’s house and is now in rehab. These issues coupled with the stress that college naturally brings have certainly tested me as a person.
As of the date this was written it has been roughly 8 months since my relationship ended. Obviously, there was much emotion involved in the involuntary ending of a relationship like that. The reason I was given for the ending of the relationship was because I am not a Christian. Also, less than two weeks after our breakup, she was dating a guy that she worked with. So, needless to say, I have not been in the greatest mental or emotional states lately. Since my ex and I broke up, I have found myself constantly wondering why I was not good enough after 4 years. I began questioning whether or not I was a good boyfriend; I was attractive enough, good enough person and all sorts of other negative thoughts. I began losing all my faith in “Love”. I have always been a “hopeless romantic”, so this was a truly crushing blow to me. I began to hate most women, viewing them as being self-serving and just overall negative influences upon life. I no longer feel the hatred and overall contempt for women that I did in the months immediately following our breakup. However, I do sometimes still feel self-conscious about many things and have an intense fear of being not good enough again. I suppose you could describe it as a fear of abandonment. Because of this, I felt it would be best if I abstained from the use of psychedelics for a while.
I was dealing with terrible depression and just an overall sense of confusion after the breakup. In-order to hide from the pain I began taking any and all opiates I could acquire (Man, do I love opiates!). I also began drinking fairly regularly, something that is normally out of character for me. I got to the point where I was running out of money in my bank account because I was constantly getting fucked up and skipping out on work, which only made my lack of money worse. Ok, that’s enough of the depressing stuff. Time to move onto the fun part!
I had only taken mushrooms once since my ex and I broke up and that experience was pretty weak. Also, I thought of my ex most of the time (I guess that is to be expected). I had also taken acid a couple of times in between the break up and this past journey. Each time was decently fun, but left me wanting more. Each one of the trips was done with a couple of my friends and I just did not leave the psychedelic realm with the appreciation I used to before the breakup. I appreciate my friends for the people that they are and I understand and accept that no one in this world is perfect, but the reason I feel I had not been able to get much value from my recent trips with friends was due to the fact that they are your stereotypical stoners. It makes it hard for me to really “Let Go” in an environment I feel people are not fully appreciating the experience at hand. I feel that the reasons I hadn’t taken a solo trip since the breakup are self-explanatory. I just couldn’t throw myself into that world in the state of mind I was in. That was until this past weekend.
The time had finally come for me to take a solo journey yet again. It was certainly a special day. It had actually snowed in Houston, Texas! Also, it was Friday and I had just finished my last paper of the semester. As soon as I got out of work because of the snow, I ran home and rolled up a blunt and headed toward Austin. I was initially only going to pick up an ounce of some nice outdoor bud (We usually only get indoor indica dominant stuff). After grabbing the ounce, my friend offered me his last quarter of shrooms. It actually weighed out to a little over 7g’s, but that really isn’t important. I have taken mushrooms that I have grown before and there is definitely a connection because of the fact that I grew such a beautifully powerful object, but it is also a special feeling knowing that the reason I am experiencing what I am experiencing is because my friend from the kindness of their heart gave me something they grew, in hopes that I would have a good trip. After smoking a blunt with my buds, I headed back to Houston with the ounce and quarter in hand. I had to drive home slowly due to treacherous weather conditions. Finally, I got back to my apartment at about 11p.m, it was absolutely perfect outside (Snow still on the ground, stars and moon were bright in the sky). I really wanted to take a 1/8th and watch a movie while enjoying the rare Texas snow (Still scared to really delve into my own mind for fear of a bad trip). However, I was so tired from working and driving all day that I felt I would get more out of the trip if I waited a couple hours and peaked at sunrise. So, I ended up falling asleep till about 4 a.m. Upon waking I weighed out 3.5g’s and proceeded to grind it up in the coffee grinder, as I planned on making magic tea (I always get pretty bad nausea from mushrooms). Well, I got everything ready and was about to begin steeping the shrooms in hot water when the smell of cubes hit me hard. I have never enjoyed the taste or smell of cubensis, so for some reason this put me in an apprehensive state of mind. Also, I always seem to doubt whether or not I should trip. I am just naturally pessimistic I guess. I ended up looking at the shroom powder for a few minutes; till I decided I wasn’t in the correct frame of mind (Fear wins again). I enjoy tripping during the day but for some reason it didn’t feel right. So, I ended up waiting till later that night to ingest.
Finally, after watching my favorite football team secure a spot in the National Championship, I was finally ready to take my solo journey. Like I said earlier, I always get nervous or apprehensive before every trip I take, and this was even before the breakup. This time was no exception either. I knew I was still not in the greatest frame of mind and was worried that thoughts of my ex would send me into a bad trip, but I knew things would never change unless I made them. I just told myself that I was going to drink the tea, suck it up and deal with whatever was thrown my way. After boiling water, steeping the shrooms and filtering it all three times, I was left with a murky solution that smelled strongly of cubensis. After preparing the actual flavored tea, I mixed the magic solution into the actual flavored tea. I added lemon to the boiling water to help with the extraction. The tea did not taste very good at all. Most likely because I chose to make orange flavored tea, which did a poor job of masking the taste or smell. However, the tea took virtually all of the nausea I usually experience away. In the future I will use a darker, stronger tasting tea. Also, I feel that adding the lemon in the boiling process helps to ensure all of the goodies were extracted. I added lemon because the lemon shot method of ingestion works very well, I just find it repulsive and unpleasant.
All in all it came out to about a coffee cups worth of liquid. I took this into my car and began slowly drinking it on my way to the corner store. I finished about half of the cup on the way to and from the corner store. Upon returning to my apartment, I smoked a tiny bong bowl and decided to go for a walk in-order to finish the rest of the tea. It took me about 15-20 minutes to finish the tea, by the time I returned to my apartment I was beginning to feel the affects. As I was walking back, I noticed the trees began to appear more lush and alive. Although it was dark out, I could see and feel the lush green life energy emanating from them. I could tell they were alive. I took a shower in the dark once I got back, by this time the walls were beginning to breathe and I was starting to feel tense. I remember thinking it was windy in the bathroom because the shower curtain would not stop moving. After getting out of the shower, I decided I would smoke and watch the visualizer on my computer as I jammed some tunes. At this point I still hadn’t planned on this trip being an incredibly introspective journey. I was just trying to have fun and get over my fear of tripping alone. I really only planned on listening to music while watching the visualizer, looking at some artwork and ending the night with some Planet Earth watching. This lasted for about 5 minutes. This is when I got the uncontrollable urge to dance/move. Other than prom, I have never really danced before. It was not a normal activity for me at all. I ended up throwing my noise-canceling headphones and began to dance. Oh, and did I ever dance! I closed my eyes and remember thinking, “I must look stupid, and this is not me”. I eventually realized how much I was enjoying dancing and not caring what people or even I thought of myself. I just “let go” of all my worldly fears, cares and expectations. I highly doubt I was even dancing in rhythm, but it did not matter! Once I realized that there is no rule that says, “I have to live by this world’s expectations, I have to accept everyone’s explanations of everything, I have to live my life within the confines of this worldly ego I have created”, tears began to flow. I was singing and dancing as tears rolled down my face. These were not tears of sadness or shame, but of elation and a sense of joy in the finding of a life once lost. Also, it is at this moment that I realized I should be glad that my relationship had ended. I never was able to experience the joy I was feeling at that moment in the entire 4 years of our relationship. I realized her reason for ending our relationship was stupid and that she was a pretty superficial person and just not someone I could truly be myself around. I realized as I was dancing that I truly want a girl that would be down to drink some shroom tea and dance together like fools. At this moment I felt reassured that I truly was a good boyfriend and that there most likely is a shroom-tea drinking, fool acting girl out there somewhere some where for me to find and fall in love with (Or that’s what I tell myself, haha). I was also reassured that there are still in-fact good hearted honest people in the world. I felt the most accepting, welcoming love I had ever felt at this moment
Finally, after dancing for a good 30 minutes the trip began to take a more serious turn. I still felt wonderful though. I had absolutely no fear in me whatsoever. I knew that from that moment on everything would be ok. I realized that the only “bad” there was, is due to my perception of it. I can now look at “evil” as being necessary in-order for us to experience “good”. I suddenly felt the urge to hide from the world, to leave it behind. So, I crawled into my closet and curled up under my blankets in the dark. This is not the first time I have done this either. The dark closet seems to be a safe place for me during intense parts of trips. I suppose it is a safe place like a mother’s womb. I don’t know how long I lay there, but I eventually realized I loved where I was and didn’t ever want to return to this plain of existence. I was just overwhelmed by the sense of acceptance I felt. This is when I came out of the closet (haha). I ran into the kitchen and quickly found my wallet and cell phone that were sitting on the counter next to the baggie of mushrooms. After looking at the money, credit cards and phone, I began to fill with this resentment toward them. Not the objects themselves, but what they represented. In disgust, I threw them outside onto my porch. I think it was my way of throwing this world away. I then proceeded to grab the remaining 8th and went back to the seclusion and safety of my closet. I quickly ate the other 8th lying under the blanket while listening to bands such as Sigur Ros and God is an Astronaut.
At some point during the night I felt I was being sent messages from the “higher power” (Not messages to relay to others, but personal messages/tips meant to help me). I must emphasize I did not feel like I was the messenger of “God” or any kind of special person for that matter. In-fact I understood at this moment that no one can speak for “God”. I think of “God” as being the energy behind all life and all processes. I don’t feel it is even right to attempt to truly define “God”, and for people to claim they actually know who or what “God” is and what messages it wants us to hear is ludicrous to me. So, once again, I must point out I felt these were personal messages that applied to my life and were not meant to be forced on others, although I do feel they have a fairly universal message/appeal to them. I thought I had been writing all of these messages down, but it turned out that ¾ths of the time the top was on the pen, so I wasn’t even writing anything down! This made me begin laughing out loud like a madman. I must also note that a little thing like this would have normally upset me in the past. However, I laughed so hard that tears of joy began to form again.
Once the second 8th began doing its thing, I lost all concept of time. I have no idea how long I was in the closet. I do remember at one point realizing that I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open or closed. That is how intense the visuals got. I couldn’t tell reality from fantasy. I actually remember wondering if I was really in the closet and under that blanket. I remember thinking, “I could be running through the street naked now and just think I’m still under the blanket”. I assume I was actually under the blanket all night, as I woke up in the closet the next morning.
All in all, it was an indescribably beautiful experience. My attempt at expressing the emotions I felt during these few hours only does this experience a disservice and would ultimately be futile to even try to find the words to properly describe this to someone who has not had a similar experience. It has now been four days since this magical journey. This is not the first positive trip I have had; I even consider the “bad” ones to be good, in-that they force me to learn. However, this is the first time a trip has affected me so much and for days after the event. I no longer fear anything in this world. I only hope that those that read this and have yet to have a similar experience can be lucky enough to have an experience like this one. I doubt I will ever forget the moments of that night. I’m truly blessed.
I am very happy to have done proper research before taking my journey. My physical setting and mental state were incredibly important!
Thanks for reading and I hope you have enjoyed!
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Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.