Citation: surrendertotheflow. "Rediscovering Myself: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp84538)". Erowid.org. Sep 16, 2017. erowid.org/exp/84538
Pre trip: I had been contemplating experimenting with psychedelics since my introduction to smoking marijuana. My experiences with meditation and yoga also increased my interest. For me, smoking weed and meditation help me to separate from my ego.
I had read details from shroom trip reports and one concept that kept resurfacing was the partial or complete loss of ego. Going in to my experience, I spent the week before taking very good care of my body. I ate normal amounts but tried to eat more fruits and veggies and less processed food, while making sure to take vitamins and get a good amount of exercise. I went into the experience expecting to come out with a new understanding of myself and the world around me. I thought it was fitting that my first trip was on the Spring Solstice: a celebration of spring, the season of rebirth.
(0 Ė 30 min) I took the shrooms with my boyfriend on a beautiful, sunny Saturday. We could not have asked for a better day to trip. We started out taking a half of an eight because we didnít want to take too much our first time. We ate the shrooms in yogurt and sat down to watch the end of our teamís basketball game. I felt a little nervous but mainly excited. I kept paying really close attention to my body looking for any sign of change. I felt a light energy in the tops of my forearms but really nothing else. We won the basketball game after a layup and everybody in the room erupted in celebration. I was really grateful that we could get a good buzz from the game to propel us into the rest of our adventure.
(30-60 min) We had already packed our book bags with essentials like drinks (mainly juices), music, and the rest of the shrooms. At this point, I felt really relaxed and carefree but still very aware of my surroundings. We grabbed the bags and started walking to my house, which is about a 20-25 min walk. Walking up the gravel path to the main road we talked about how we were feeling.
We both knew we felt different but we werenít sure how to describe it. My boyfriend described it as being really, really high on weed. I felt a little of the mental fluidity and relaxation I normally feel when high but it was not the same feeling. Normally when I am high, I feel more confused about my surroundings. Instead, I felt completely rational and present, if not even more so than normal. As we walked down the long main road, I saw a girl riding her bike with her dog running behind her on a leash. I was upset because I knew that the dog was probably really tired and the girl didnít seem to care. We saw a couple standing together on their porch looking out at the road and I said that they were probably tripping too. He laughed and said they probably werenít and I agreed. I knew they probably werenít but I thought it would have been really ironic if they were. We commented on the houses that we were passing and I wanted to stop to look at all the beautiful flowers in bloom.
About halfway down the main road, my boyfriend said he wanted to take more when we got to my house. I laughed and told him we still hadnít left his road and we may start feeling them more soon. He agreed and I think we both realized that maybe the time dilation had started to kick in, because it really did feel like we had been walking on that road forever. We kept passing people and I wanted to say hi to everybody.
We kept passing people and I wanted to say hi to everybody.
He kept laughing at their responses because he thought the way they said ďheyĒ sounded funny. We passed an art tribute to president Obama. It was really cool and I told my boyfriend we should come back and hang out with the art. He seemed uncomfortable with the idea and I could see why. We normally communicate well, but on the walk I felt like we both were seeing each otherís perspectives especially well. When we got to my house, we saw my roommate and neighbor laying out in the yard. We talked with them for a little while and they asked us if we were coming from the library because of our book bags.
(1-2hrs) We walked inside of my house and went up to my room. My boyfriend lay down on my bed, while I attempted to plug my iPod in to listen to some music. I could definitely tell that I was a little overheated from walking outside and my room looked really inviting. The shades were pulled down so it was dark but you could still tell that it was beautifully sunny outside. We put on Phish and lay on my bed for a while.
I donít really remember what we said but eventually we decided that if we were going to take more we should go ahead and do it. We went downstairs and started cutting up the shrooms. I immediately felt a huge wave of nausea. I went to the couch and lay down and he turned the fan on for me. I soon began to feel better but I realized that I probably wasnít going to be able to walk around much especially if we took more. My boyfriend was great and cut up the shrooms for me and we took them upstairs. This time I swallowed them with a Naked juice smoothie.
(2-6 hrs) We lay in my bed. I pulled up my shirt and let the air just flow over my stomach. I felt an unbelievable sense of peace wash over me. I thought my stomach looked so strange. I could see my heartbeat near my belly button and was fascinated by the way my stomach went up and down with my breath. I felt very disconnected from my body. I knew that my body was just my shell . My boyfriend was really enjoying the music and I was really enjoying watching him. He kept talking about the music and he started using a weird voice occasionally in his speech. His pupils looked so dilated and it gave him a wild look. It kind of freaked me out but not in a scary way because I felt so connected to him. I knew that if he started to get too crazy for me I could calm him down.
We lay and talked about our futures. He said he had been stressed lately from thinking about what he was going to do next year. I reconfirmed my belief that I want to be a doctor, because I feel like I can teach people how to be healthy. I told him that I feel like it is a doctorís responsibility not just to heal people when they are sick, but to teach people how to live in harmony with their bodies.
All of a sudden the visuals kicked in. He saw them first. He was looking at a painting hanging on my wall that I had painted this summer. The picture looked 3D because each layer of the painting was waving. We then looked at my poster of the tree of peace. There was an earth surrounded by a rainbow. The beauty of it almost brought tears to my eyes. My boyfriend had a realization about self promotion. He said he didnít understand how people could be narcissistic or even think they were above others, when everything we know (including all of the words we speak) are a product of people who came before us. We both laughed at the truth of it. I told him that I felt really able to express what I was thinking and he told me that was one of the things that attracted him to me. We talked about words. I said that words could sometimes be limiting. He added that language is what allows us to communicate our thoughts and connects us in that way. Therefore, it is our responsibility to attempt to express inexpressible things in words.
My hands felt so good running over my stomach and I kept being drawn to my bellybutton. I thought about how crazy it was that at one point in my life all of my sustenance came from a cord attached to that point on my stomach. I felt fine when I was lying on my back with the cool air rushing over my stomach, but if I moved my stomach would begin to feel nauseous. This didnít really bother me because I had no desire to go anywhere. My boyfriend would sometime try to hold me and would accidentally press on my stomach. After several times of me reminding him about it, he began to joke about my stomach saying. ďOh holy stomachĒ, and ďThou shall not touch the holy stomachĒ. This got us talking about religion. He started talking about how religion is so trivial because people follow arbitrary rules rather than thinking about things for themselves. While I understand this point, and agree that people need to think for themselves, I could also see how some people have a harder time with that than others. Regardless of the actual existence of god, to have faith in a higher moral power would be the best way to achieve goodness, because god is an individualís ideal of goodness (That was actually a marijuana high thought from earlier).
My boyfriend asked me why I loved him. I knew I couldnít convey it fully but I was also excited about the challenge. I told him that first that I loved him on a basic level because he is another human being. He shares the same triumphs and sufferings that I do. Seeing the vulnerability in his eyes, I quickly assured him that I also loved him as an individual. I said that I loved his excitement about everything and most of all, I loved the fact that I immediately could tell when I met him that he tries to be a good person. To me, trying to be good is all you can really ask of anyone. If they fail, then you forgive them because you know that you fail as well. My boyfriend decided that he wanted to watch a Phish DVD and was really disappointed to discover that he had left it back at his house. I told him that we still had another Phish DVD in my room. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him. He put in the Phish disc and turned and we watched several sets, including one of my favorite songs, Divided Sky. We talked about how this song represents the elements of a shroom trip. We also talked about the Phish community a little. He had a realization that he didnít convey in words that deepened his love for Phish. We thought it was cool to think about the fact that every time one of the band members thought about their fan base they were thinking about us.
My boyfriend began to make faces to go along with Treyís guitar. I remember watching him and realizing how strange the situation was and how I was completely content and unfazed by the strangeness of it. I was perfectly content to watch him contort his face along with the music. It seemed so beautiful and natural. He turned his attention back to me and we began to talk about us. He said that he didnít know what would happen in our lives but he knows that I am going to be a great mother and that he hopes he can be there for it. I told him that he is going to be a great father and husband and that I felt the same way. It was such a healthy conversation because it was like us both acknowledging the randomness of the future and still being able to fully express our love for each other in that moment.
At some point he decided to call his friend and I called my sister to talk to her about the experience.
I called my sister to talk to her about the experience.
I felt so strangely normal when talking to her. I tried to sum up the experience but I knew that there was no way for me to convey it. During the conversation, I looked up to see him having a conversation with my poster of Jack Johnson. It made me laugh so hard. He danced around the room. I didnít want to get up because I knew my stomach was not ready for me to move around. Eventually he came back and kneeled down beside the bed to talk to me. He looked at me and said that he couldnít live this way forever because he would be so caught up in the experience that he wouldnít eat. I told him I felt like shrooms were so powerful because they prevented you from lying to yourself and if you have been lying to yourself about something in your life it could be a very upsetting experience.
He got in the bed with me and we took off our shirts and lay together half naked. I have been naked with him so many times yet I felt a new strange sense of vulnerability in being naked. We talked about how small and vulnerable we feel as humans. We talked about how we need validation from others, just some small sense that we are meaningful and our lives are validated. He said that what humans really crave is just to feel like we are experiencing the same thing as someone else. That is why music is so powerful. Music (especially improvised music) comes directly from the minds and souls of the musician. As people are experiencing the music together they all feel connected through the fact that they are all experiencing the same thing at the same time. We tried to talk about the meaning of life. We agreed that feeling connected to other people was the most important and rewarding experience. I also broadened that to include a great satisfaction in understanding my place in the world and understanding how the world works. We also said that the meaning of life is different to everyone and to understand your purpose you need to just examine what it is that drives you to live. I also concluded that the meaning of life cannot be completely defined even for one person because there are way too many reasons for living.
At this point we lay facing each other, completely enveloped in one another. He commented about how he couldnít tell where he ended and I began and maybe it didnít really matter because really we are one. I felt an incredible sense of peace and oneness with him. We were silent and didnít move for a long time. Eventually we decided to walk back to his house. I could feel myself coming down, mainly because the visuals were gone and I was starting to feel tired. I decided I wanted to brush my hair before I went because it was tangled. As I was brushing my hair, I had the overwhelming feeling of strangeness. It was like I didnít identify my hair as a part of me.
(6-7hrs) The walk back was much quieter than the walk there. I think we were both just taking in the experience. We saw so many people out walking and we commented on how it was like people were migrating out from hibernation. We saw a squirrel sitting by a pile of nuts, unaware for a moment of our presence. As we talked excited about the squirrel, he ran out in traffic just as two cars were coming in both directions. We both started cheering the squirrel to the other side. The squirrel dodged the cars and sat on the other side of the road in a tree. I felt so connected to that squirrel and I was really thankful he wasnít hit. Stepping onto the gravel path near his house, he suggested that we stay silent down the path. We walked in silence to the end of the drive. When we got to the house we found a freshly dug fire pit outside his house with chairs and cement blocks around it. His roommate had dug the pit during the day and left it for us to find when we got back. He went inside to find his roommate. I stayed outside. Seeing one of the chairs by the fire, I sat and watched the beautiful sunset unfold. The sky was pink and I watched the birds fly back and forth across sky. The sound of the birds singing was so beautiful and peaceful.
Post Trip: Overall the trip was much different than I expected. The intensities of emotions I experienced couldnít be fully understood while I was experiencing them. Looking back on the experience, I am able to much more fully understand and appreciate what I learned during the trip. I think that a lot of what I learned from the experience I already knew, yet it was not concrete to me because I had never thought about it verbally. My advice to anyone considering tripping: make sure you trip with people whom you love and share a mutual respect, respect the drug for its power and intensity, and go into the experience with the right intentions (self understanding and improvement).
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