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Back from the Brink of Eternity
MDMA (Ecstasy)
Citation:   Aspie Chic '84. "Back from the Brink of Eternity: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp85378)". Erowid.org. Jul 28, 2010. erowid.org/exp/85378

1 tablet oral MDMA
    repeated oral Vitamin C
    repeated oral Tea
    repeated oral Vitamins / Supplements
    smoked Cannabis
[Erowid Note: There is a discrepency between the dose mentioned in the report (one-half tablet) and the dose filled out in the report submission form (one tablet).]


I’m a 5’2, 120 pound female. My drug experience includes lots of “soft” drugs, including marijuana, mushrooms, Benzedrex inhalers, poppy tea, hydrocodone and others. In addition, I’ve taken psychiatric medications since the age of 16 (I’m now 26), but quit about 6 months ago. I suffer from Asperger's syndrome, atypical depression and anxiety, which is what all the psych meds were for. This was my first experience with ecstasy.

After quitting Prozac, I slipped into an ugly and predictable pattern of depression, irritability and mood swings. Whether this is caused by an underlying disorder or withdrawal from years of serotonergic drugs, I’ll never know. My partner of 6 years recently broke up with me, sending me into a downward spiral of constant crying, paranoia and suicidal thoughts. She told me I should be committed and that she was cutting off all ties to me if this behavior continued (understandably). My entire mindset was completely off kilter, and I lost touch with reality in many ways.

I’ve wanted to try ecstasy for a while, but had never gotten the opportunity. For years, I’d heard that it caused holes in the brain, Parkinson’s disease and other serious neurological consequences, which seriously put me off from trying it. The more independent research I did, the more I was convinced that the risks were likely exaggerated, as many of the studies had been retracted due to serious flaws (thanks, NIDA).


The experience took place in my apartment. It was about 10 P.M. on a breezy Nevada evening in May when I took the pill. I was well-rested but otherwise in a terrible mindset due to the recent turmoil between me and my partner. Former partner. Whatever.

~~Now for the happy part!~~

After picking up 3 pills from a friend (triple-stacked Blue Maseratis and Green Supermans), I proceeded to take half a Green Superman. To reduce neurotoxicity, I ingested large amounts of vitamin C, green tea and other antioxidants throughout the night. I felt very tired as I waited for the effects to kick in.

After about 30 minutes, I began to think nothing was going to happen. Suddenly, I started to feel that elusive “something” I’d been waiting for, and it was magnificent. The song I was listening to (Bone thugs-n-harmony’s “What Have We Done?”) began to sound different, as if it was massaging my soul. I started to cry. I checked out an ecstasy testing site to see if my pills were listed, and it appeared that they were. The awesome part is that the results showed “high MDMA” levels and stellar trip reports, with some claiming that the pills were the best they’d ever had. Wow! I lay on the floor for about 20 more minutes before my roommate/ex came in to check on me.

I followed her to the bedroom to hang out and talk. By this point, my pupils were absolutely huge and I could not stop smiling for the life of me. She said I looked really “fucked up”. The feeling was similar to the anticipation of riding a roller coaster, but without the anxiety. I sat down to color a picture and was incredibly amused by the different colors of the markers. It was like being an enthusiastic child all over again: everything was new, exciting and had no anxiety attached to it. We talked and laughed and listened to music, which sounded more breathtaking than ever.

While I was enjoying the effects, I also tried to take advantage of the therapeutic benefits of MDMA. I practiced being around my ex without feeling any negativity and promised myself things were not as urgent as they seemed. We had amazing conversation, and I found myself truly listening without the paranoia or doubt I’d attached to her words before. There was still a hint of sadness, but I was able to escape the soul-crushing self-hate and guilt I’d previously felt.

Physically, my body felt light and warm, as if my circulation was greatly improved. My hands and feet, which are always cold, were blazing red and felt as warm as the rest of me. I felt periodic waves of nausea that would normally terrify me (I'm emetophobic), but didn't frighten me in the least for the first time in my life.

After my picture was finished, I decided to read my tarot cards and delve further into the psychological aspects of the trip. The effects were gradually decreasing by now, so I decided to smoke some cannabis to enhance them. I had an extremely hard time following the tarot book and an even harder time writing it all down. I felt the slight twinge of nervousness that I always get from weed and decided to clean up and head back to my room. It was late now anyway.

For the next 3 or 4 hours, I felt the effects slowly fading. I had a few mini-revelations during this time, like the fact that I needed to seek happiness within myself and not rely on others for it. I took time to count my blessings and made a conscious decision to be more social and make the most of my friendships. I realized that my social anxiety is irrational and unfounded and that I’m as good and worthy as everyone else—things I consciously knew but had never truly FELT before.

The trademark jaw-clenching really set in at this point, and I started to wish I hadn’t smoked the marijuana (or had at least smoked LESS marijuana). Still, it remained a positive and enlightening experience until I slowly drifted off to sleep at around 5 A.M.


I found MDMA to be one of the most positive drug experiences of my life. Afterward, I felt extremely well-rested and more in touch with the world, as if I had taken a vacation followed by a long nap. I am more optimistic about the future since my little revelations and see now that my fears and paranoia weren’t based in reality, but in negative psychological patterns justified by past experiences. I am by no means “cured” of my depression, Asperger’s syndrome or anxiety, but feel it was a major step in the right direction.

On another note, I can’t help but recall the claims of “neurotoxicity” cited by those government-funded studies. While MDMA may cause some damage if used excessively, it pales in comparison to some of the prescription medications I and millions of others have taken ON A DAILY BASIS. Medications like Risperdal that caused me to gain 50 lbs. in 6 months and shake so badly I couldn’t grasp a pen. Drugs like Anafranil, which caused constant nose bleeding, lactation and sedation so strong I couldn’t keep my eyes open; and Wellbutrin, which caused a seizure that landed me in the emergency room. And the list goes on.

The most tragic part is that these medications are given to children as young as 5 and 6 years old who have no say in the matter. Most antipsychotics can cause Tardive Dyskinesia--an irreversible and FATAL movement disorder similar to Parkinson’s disease. And they have the nerve to claim that ECSTASY causes Parkinson’s? Not only is it irresponsible, it’s an abuse of power that has likely cost them major credibility points. My hope is that people will see past the propaganda and use the tools that are available to them. Sometimes the risks of using a drug responsibly don’t come close to the harm caused by severe emotional stress...

Or the medications prescribed to treat it.

Exp Year: 2010ExpID: 85378
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 26
Published: Jul 28, 2010Views: 11,960
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)

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