DOSE:

1.75 g

oral

Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

137 lb

t was 7AM when I picked up a dose of my shrooms from Tom, who was holding them for me because my boyfriend, as part of a dramatic reversal of stance on the drug war, decided he didn't want them in our apartment anymore.

It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day, and I wasn't tired yet. I am ashamed to admit I had a ten page paper due soon, perhaps it was even that very day, in History of Math, and that I was exhausted and decided I would rather take an F for the course than write it. To be fair, a math course that requires you to write term papers is not a real math course, it is a bullshit fluffer course, but it is no less a course that brings me closer to getting a degree, and I can only say that my actions at the time were entirely id-driven, and that is why I was planning on taking shrooms in the first place. I must have taken them around 8AM--the first time I had ever done them alone. I'd done them six times before so I felt pretty confident about doing them alone. I forget what I ate them with, but I am certain that my stomach was empty beforehand.

Waiting to come up and without anything better to do, I somewhat ironically went into the SEL and decided to see how much I could get done on my term paper. What I output was not very good, but I remember it was five pages worth--probably more than halfway to a C. And then it started kicking in. I remember sitting back in my chair to read what I had so far written, and noticing how...comfortable!, so very comfortable the chair felt. It was only a little at first, but within minutes, much moreso. I felt so good I had to embrace it by leaning all the way back in the chair, throwing my head back, and staring at the ceiling. Lightheadness, but my body felt very pleasantly heavy. All my worry about the term paper drifted away. 'Ah fuck it. This isn't interesting. The point of taking a course is not to get a degree, for Christ's sake. This problem will remedy itself eventually. Fuck it. Fuck it...' And then I thought that the Science and Engineering Library might not be the best place for letting go of all the tension in my muscles, so I stumbled off to The Oval, trying my best not to look like I was tripping, managing it pretty well. I don't think I saved the five pages I wrote. I just let go of it.

I laid down. It was sunny and warm. It felt great, but my mind was going all sorts of places. Look at all these people, look at all these good kids who are not on shrooms and who are doing what they are supposed to be doing. How I wished I had someone to talk to, suddenly. As I got higher and higher I realized it might not have been such a good idea to go it alone. I called people. Some didn't answer. Robert said he was tired and going back to sleep, which I know was at around 9:30. My boyfriend, I couldn't call him because he'd frown upon me for 'doing drugs on a school night,' think it totally irresponsible, which, of course, it was. Then I called my mother. I used to love her more than anyone else on the planet. It made me terribly sad to think how far we had drifted apart, how different she had become to me as I got older and started noticing her very obvious flaws, the hatred I had for her now, parts of it deserved, but not all of it. I called her. 'The number you have dialed has been disconnected.' I immediately assumed she had gotten so mad at me that she had cut off contact with me, and I started crying, couldn't believe that I was finding out in the way that I was. It turned out later that there was just something wrong with the phone line, and we talked pleasantly the next day, but it was very scary for the time being. I thought she might have died. So there I was on The Oval, bawling my eyes out, swarms of people walking past. I felt like they were looking at me and they knew I was on shrooms and they were judging me.

Easy there, girl, you can work your way out of this. Look up at that tree for instance. There's no reason to feel such pain at reality doing its thing. Look how beautiful that tree is right in front of you. Look up at it. That is your reality for now, that beautiful, white tree. Focus on that. That is what is right in front of you right now, so rejoice. Those other things, the ones that scare you and bother you, are elsewhere and do not have to be part of what you experience now. You can be here now, and all that is here now is a beautiful day and lots and lots of beautiful people.

But as soon as I looked down at the grass I was back with my thoughts about my mother and being a bad student. So I looked back up at the tree--ah! An entire new world, a heaven, just by changing the position of my head. But eventually it was hard on my neck to keep looking up, and at 10AM the sky was too bright, so I was left with my troubles. I reasoned through them again:

"What is bothering you? That I am a bad student, for starters. Look at me, I have math homework to do and I'm fucking doing shrooms! Why should that bother you? Because being a good student is what is responsible for the lifestyle I enjoy. You need to be a good student to keep enjoying the lifestyle that you enjoy or you need to not be bothered so much by being a bad student, but also find a different sustainable lifestyle that you enjoy. I don't want a different lifestyle, or I don't know where to look for a better one. Then you must be a good student, and you can do that right at this very moment by going and working on some of your math homework. But there's so much of it. Just do what you can, is there any part of it that strikes you as interesting? Well, um...I sort of have to let the term paper slide at this point, but I have Diff Eq that I sort of like... OK, why don't you do that? Just go work on one problem that you really don't understand, and work on it until you understand it, and don't give up. And also don't let yourself get stressed out about it, just see how much you can get done on understanding it. OK, I will go try to understand what we're doing about the Heaviside step function and LaPlace transforms."

Feeling much, much better, much lighter of heart, I ran to the math lounge, peaking on shrooms, fucking peaking! I am sorry to say that this is when I stopped noticing any of the visuals beyond color enhancement, so I can't report on what a fabulous light show I had. I was very aware of my body and mind, though, and at one point I noticed how beautiful another tree was right outside the front of the math building.

Inside the math lounge I was greeted by Robert B. and Justin. I like them a lot. It was wonderful to see them, such a relief. I tried to play it cool, we are the kind of friends that are just one step above acquaintances, so I didn't want them to know how irresponsible I was. I cracked open Boyce and DiPrima, found the pages I was looking for, and tried to think. JESUS, IT WAS SO HARD TO THINK ABOUT DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS ON SHROOMS. Each time I got a few sentences in, I would start to feel very, very dizzy and have to stop and look up to keep from getting a headache. Progress was very slow, and usually when I looked up I would giggle uncontrollably for five minutes before I remembered my goal and tried to look back down. Robert and Justin looked at me.

'I don't mean to be rude, but ARE YOU HIGH???' said Justin. I slammed my book down.
'OH MY GOD, JUSTIN! Yes! OH MY GOD! I am so unbelievably high, and it's not on weed! I'm not on weed right now! I'm on something else, and I was so, so bothered that the only thing that would calm me was doing Diff Eq!'
'Haha, okay.'

'Okay, now remember don't--hahaha--DON'T bother me because I feel I must concentrate on this, because these problems are hard but sometimes if you just put the time in you can--haha--you can best them.' Robert and Justin spent the entire afternoon trying to distract me. It was very funny to me and I kept laughing. Amy came in. At this point I was drawing step functions on the blackboard, and I said, 'OH HI AMY!' and went back to the blackboard giggling, and she said, 'Why are you laughing so much?' I think I just told her I was in a good mood. And at some point I was talking to myself as I was drawing step functions, saying, 'And first it goes UP like this...and then it goes DOWN LIKE THIS...and then it goes UP...'

Finally, I came down a little and I stopped feeling dizzy when I thought about math. This was around 2PM. And I felt that I was feeling OK enough to go up and visit my TA, with all my questions, which I had a lot of by now. He is a very, very nice man, talkative and always willing to take extra time to explain things. We must have spent a good two hours working on my problem. Now that I was thinking clearly, I saw that it was much harder to understand than I had anticipated, but we eventually got through it.

He said that most people hadn't bothered to do the problem. I wouldn't have either if I hadn't done the shrooms and freaked out, though I am not at all trying to suggest that doing shrooms helps you get good grades or makes you better at math--obviously it only made it more difficult to concentrate. The studying I did in this situation turned out to be very helpful for the final exam, and I got an A- in the course, but I still failed History of Math for not writing that paper. Overall, it was a very good experience. Though I have a lot of regrets about that quarter, that particular shroom trip stands out as a big positive.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 88411
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Jun 4, 2021	Views: 507
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Mushrooms (39) : School (35), Performance Enhancement (50), General (1)