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Ego Loss?
Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by Trogdor
Citation:   Trogdor. "Ego Loss?: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp90111)". Erowid.org. Oct 13, 2019. erowid.org/exp/90111

 
DOSE:
5 caps oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis

BODY WEIGHT: 74 kg


I'm a novice psychonaut at the very most. I've only taken mushrooms twice, once about a week before this report and once just yesterday. I've experimented with acid a few times (and LOVED it) and have smoked cannabis habitually for just over four years (I tried it at 10, and started smoking habitually at 13). Most people reading that will probably either be disgusted, or feel sorry for me, but cannabis helped me so, so much. The only negatives I've got from this are slight feelings of anxiety and paranoia, but they're attributable to my metaprogramming to some degree as well, and are outweighed by the positives to such a huge extent. Heck, it made me an incredible intellectual and greatly expanded my mental power, among other things. But I'm going off on a tangent aren't I? I should be telling you about yesterday..

The first time I used mushrooms it was basically an acid trip for me, with less visuals and less mental stimulation. I guess I had a threshold dose and had a pretty bad set and setting. I decided to amend this on my second experiment, and made sure my set and setting was optimal (it was) and had a bit more than last time.

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Goal of trip: To experience ego loss and if that is not possible or feasible, to have some fun!

Summary of effects at peak: Euphoria, mental stimulation, potential ego loss, wondrous arbitrary closed eye visuals, very mild open eye visuals, deep provocative introspective thoughts.

I took notes during the trip. I'll put a little * in the chronology or specify if what I said was in my notes as well/was elaborated upon. You can read them in their entirety at the bottom. :)

0:00 = 3:00PM on the dot.

T-0:00: I'd fasted for 24 hours before eating the mushrooms. I quite like the taste of them raw, so I scoffed down five caps easily. I grabbed a few toys for me (a notebook and pen, my picollo, my melodica and my mobile) and a two litre bottle of water and retreated to my room.

T-0:15: The usual pre-trip sense of euphoria finally sets in, I theorise that this is a placebo and it happens because subconsciously I've realised that it's too late to purge to contents of my stomach and lessen/prevent the psychoactive effective. Noted.

T-0:30: I started getting bored so I decided to do up a few pages of music sheets for me to fill in once I reached ++

T-0:37: Coming-up! Feet and legs feel cold, (the fan is on high) though it's not unpleasant, quite pleasant to be honest. Pupil dilation. Check. Photosensitivity. Check. Pre-peak euphoria. Check. Fuel cells ready for ignition. Check!

T+0:45: I decided to draw picture, I planned to draw a house, it didn't end up being a house really. This was very, very involving and incredibly entertaining/interesting.

T+1:10: It felt like I had been drawing my 'house' for hours, and retrospectively it looks like it took hours! I was worried I was wasting too much of the trip and finished the drawing with a sense of urgency. When I checked my phone it had been just over twenty minutes, but I had finished my drawing and was suddenly reminded of the instruments I'd brought in. I decided to play the piccolo, (I haven't had tuition or practice) but it was amazingly fun, I had mild cottonmouth before I started, but at the end of it THE DESERT WAS IN MY MOUTH. I really got caught up in some of the tunes I would make up, and sometimes I'd find myself repeating very simple tunes over and over and over, marvelling in their wondrous sounds. When I decided to stop playing my mouth was so dry it felt as if I had dry glue in my mouth, and I absolutely tripping balls at the amazing sensations of thwacking my tongue against the top of my mouth and prying it off. Sculled nearly a litre of water, swallowing was also an amazing sensation. That's one of the things I love about psychedelics, increased sensory input, especially somatosensory input!

T++1:52: I check the time again, from other experience reports I've read I wonder how people find this so difficult on psychedelics or if I'm really soft and always underdose. I feel like I'm forgetting something and start trying to remember what it is, I start thinking about the actions I went through before the trip and during so close my eyes, before long it feels like I'm living my day pre-trip in rewind, truly remarkable and the most detailed polymodal closed eye visual I've ever had. After doing this I checked the time again. 4:56! It had only been a few minutes and it felt like I'd watched about six hours of footage condensed into about an hour, definitely not four minutes. I remember I was aiming for ego loss this trip, and decide to try for it, even before beginning I'm doubting the effectiveness of consciously inducing ego loss.

T+++?:??: I've entered an incredibly deep feeling, introspective state, it feels like I'm going over every single memory in life and attributing a value to each of them, the higher the value the more I would like to act as I did in that memory in future. After what feels like an ETERNITY I've narrowed down a handful (about twenty) unique, low value memories and investigate the cause of my low value actions. After I deduce the causes and decide upon preferred high value actions I do the same with a much larger amount of high value memories, but this time I investigate why exactly I feel they are high-value. Consistently when I do this I feel I've valued some memories too high because of egocentric or materialistic (among other) values. I begin re-evaluating a lot of my memories from a more disassociated angle, and amaze myself at the different values I'm presented with. I form a concise paragraph detailing what I concluded from this evaluation process, and decide to try and write it down.

T++3:37*: I open my eyes, I didn't realise how long I'd had them closed or when I closed them and was initially surprised because before deciding to try and induce ego loss when I'd closed my eyes I'd had remarkable, colourful, arbitrary visuals and hadn't noticed any whenever I did close my eyes. Obsessing over this (only for a few seconds) leads me on tangents and tangents of tangents as I always do when on psychedelics, I check the time and when I do this, I realise I'd forgotten the paragraph, though the memory of the process I went through is still vividly clear. I try writing down notes and end up with things like 'Live in the moment. Live in the future.' , 'Money is the shiniest toy in 'playground' of the world.' , 'Learn, Work, Play, Love.' some with small elaborations. [see notes!]

T++3:56: I finish up my notes and feel proud that I'd managed to write so much. The sense of pride is overwhelming, it feels like a soothing but incredibly powerful warmth in my stomach that's expanding rapidly and needing to escape from my body. I open my mouth and when I do I realise I have really bad cotton mouth again. I decide to have fun for the rest of my trip, and play the melodica (I'm a bit better at this one) and find myself making quite complex melodies, I enjoy this a lot and get quite caught up in it as I did on the piccolo.

T+:4:40: I decide up a unique composition, and scrawl it on the sheets I prepared earlier. When I was back to baseline I played it and I was pretty fucking amazed, it was one of my best works.. EVEN SOBER!

T+4:45: I've definitely been coming down for a while, another thing I love about psychedelics, (in my experience) the come-down really creeps up on you, you don't even realise it but suddenly you're straight! Haha. Not exactly, but usually I only notice I'm coming down when I'm about an hour from baseline.

T-5:10: I got bored in my room so I left it and jumped on the computer, typed up my notes and started deducing their meaning as well as reflecting upon my introspective process and decided how to integrate it. Definitely back to baseline.

Conclusion: Fucking awesome. That's how I sum up this experience, I can definitely see myself abusing mushrooms, I'm going to limit myself to 2-3 trips a year, just because. I don't really know why. I don't seem to get any after-affects, but they could really fuck up my brain at the age I am. (17 in three weeks! Definitely dropping acid on mah b'day!) But if mushrooms had been well researched professionally and I had conclusive evidence that habitual use wouldn't cause neurological damage I would eat mushrooms every single fucking afternoon, every afternoon. My day would be work/school/socialize for the morning and midday periods, mushrooms for afternoon to night and then sleep. Really. I really would. I <3 Mushrooms.

---

Ego loss?
The reason for the title is that I'm not sure what I did was what is accepted as ego loss. I didn't experience any feelings of 'being torn apart' or anything of the like, there was no physical manifestation that I was aware of, but in retrospect I was completely out of touch with physical reality at the time. I don't think I experienced 'ego loss' so much as conscious disassociation, especially the specific part where after choosing what I felt was good practice I reflected on a wholly disassociated level and came to realisation that a lot of what I thought was good practice, really wasn't or should be changed. It was sort of like, I was a different person while peaking so when reflecting upon myself I was able to arbitrate decisions. It wasn't ego loss so much as a temporary beneficial change of ego. I've never meditated, but it felt akin to the ultimate goal of introspective meditation.

---

Additions made on baseline, other then changing abbreviations to full words and putting my fragmented statements into dot points are in [square brackets].

IN-TRIP NOTES:

0:30: Noticing same physical effects as last time, none unpleasant.

A picture of an incredibly detailed, stilted house in a lake. Unique but entirely understandable style of drawing, I couldn't replicate this straight, or if I could it would take many hours.

Live in the moment. Live in the future.
- [your] actions in the moment should reflect [your] goals in the future
- All work and no play...
- the first point [actions in the moment, etc] should be of utmost importance, even before fun
- FUN IS STILL IMPORTANT!

Money is the shiniest toy in the 'playground' of the world.

Relations are important. Homo sapiens is a social species, don't defy genetics.
- Codependency [to a reasonable extent] is an evolutionary advancement.
- Make friends, join cliques, be a community member.
- Judge people on their actions not their appearance.

If I had twenty friends that will lend me twenty dollars, and they have twenty friends that will lend them twenty dollars, do we have eight grand?
- Joking. [why am I joking when I'm in such a hurry to document my conclusions I'm steadily forgetting?]

Learn. Work. Play. Love.

[Directed at] myself
- Stop branching out! You have too many passions!
- Refine passions that are socially or monetarily beneficial.
- Regulate passions that aren't!
- There is such a thing as 'too likeable'.
- Stop being what everybody else wants at that time.
- It's still condescending even if the party is unaware! DON'T DO IT!
- Stop habitually masturbating! [Why??]
- Further a specific career path, get a full time job. ASAP.

Write a book. Any book. Just do it. You'll love it. Believe me.
- Don't make it generic.
- Writers block is common.
- Put your heart into it.
- Big words don't mean big meaning, remember that.

Love is beyond definition. Love isn't two parties who have sexual relations. Love doesn't mean you'll take a bullet for somebody, Love doesn't mean you're infatuated. Love means love! Love isn't exclusively for partners, love family and friends!

---

Conclusion of notes:

They barely resemble the thought process I went through and I truly can't make any ties between them, but that's probably because I didn't make much of an effort to put my mid-process musings/conclusions into words. Also, as soon as I opened my eyes I felt like I was forgetting them. I don't seem to have came to any amazing conclusions, but basically everything seems beneficial and entirely worth integrating. Nearly 300 legible words, written mid trip (probably JUST started coming down), I amaze myself. :P



Exp Year: 2010ExpID: 90111
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 16 
Published: Oct 13, 2019Views: 1,245
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66), Fasting (178) : General (1), Glowing Experiences (4), Music Discussion (22), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Alone (16)

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