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Catatonic Despair
Mescaline, LSD & Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by lucas
Citation:   lucas. "Catatonic Despair: An Experience with Mescaline, LSD & Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp92907)". Erowid.org. Nov 16, 2012. erowid.org/exp/92907

 
DOSE:
  oral Cacti - columnar (tea)
  2 hits oral LSD (blotter / tab)
  1.5 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (dried)

BODY WEIGHT: 78 kg


This was written a couple of days after the experience. It is now over a year since this experience and I still think about it every single day. I will never forget it and it remains one of the most incredible things that I have ever experienced.

Before I really start writing I will say that it is currently 2 days after my trip and I still do not feel 100% normal. I have never had a 'bad trip' before and in my opinion I still do not believe that my trip ended out 100% bad. Sure, it was the most I've ever freaked out and panicked but deep down I could see it happening I'm pretty sure. It needed to happen, and in time ill be glad it happened.

Well the biggest weekend of my life started early Friday morning with little sleep the night before. I was planning to go to a festival with a friend, obviously bringing drugs with us. (Never again.) As the whole day drags on while we get stuff ready, we are finally ready to leave at about 5:30pm. The festival is a fair drive away, maybe 2 hoursish. Off we go...

I have heard a lot about these festivals and how they are very underground, in the middle of nowhere & rarely have any police around. As we were almost getting to the site of the festival we were stopped by a whole bunch of police doing breathalyzer & drug tests. Once we got past them we were pretty relieved; we thought that this was going to be it. Fuck we thought wrong. After about another 1km or so down the road, we see another big road block of police. My friends mum immediately gave consent to search the car. Fuck.

Well, all our drugs got taken. We got arrested, taken to the station, interviewed and let go. I have a bullshit psilocybin mushroom charge to fight and a cannabis caution. Once we were back in the car, I am told that we are heading back home to Melbourne. At this stage I am so tired, stressed, delirious...feeling generally horrible. With no drugs. And plans for the weekend absolutely fucking destroyed. In fairness to the cops, they didn't take a few of my things which they couldn't prove weren't legal smoking blends so they forgot about them.

Well we try to forget about things and when we get home we smoke lots of ganja. I'm talking about 1.5grams that night. That's a lot of weed for me. We keep smoking bong after bong the whole night, and I get to sleep at about 5am I think. I can't even remember. Anyway, I slept till about 11:30am, got up, smoked some cones and then decided I feel like shit still and went back to bed for a few hours.

After getting up later on in the arvo, I had a little bit of food to eat, smoked some more cones and before I knew it it was pretty much night time. I decided that I'm not going to let anything ruin my weekend. Nothing at all. So I went and picked up 2 tabs of acid and a little bit of weed & headed back home. Smoked some more and I thought I was feeling not too bad, so I invited another friend over who is very very experienced with psychedelics and I thought that with him around I would be fine no matter what & in the end this turned out to be true.

Once he gets around we all decide to get together some San Pedro tea, mushrooms & a bit of acid for the night. We start chugging San Pedro tea at my place for a little bit and then start heading down to the park. Once we are down there we find little firewood and struggle to get a fire going. I'm starting to feel the San Pedro by now, and I've been on an empty stomach all day. My first time tripper friend wasn't feeling too high from it but he was feeling a bit sick and had thrown up a few times.

It's now a good hour or so after drinking the San Pedro and I felt it building quite nicely so I decided to eat 2 tabs of decent acid. Still feeling not too bad I decided to eat a small amount - probably 1-1.5g - of dried cubensis. Once these are washed down me and my experienced friend decide to go on a journey to the servo to get wood.

We leave my inexperienced friend who at this stage was a little sick but not very high at the park by himself for 15 minutes while we go and get some wood. I notice that I am coming up very very hard but nothing that I didn't think I could handle at this stage. Once we grab the wood and start carrying it back to the park. We get back to our spot with things all over the place, a pile of vomit, and a half empty bottle of San Pedro tea sitting there, but my friend was not there.

Whilst still coming up fear and panic started to build. We walked around looking for my friend whose phone was off and unable to be contacted. We walk around shouting out his name, unable to find him at all. We decide to sit at the fire, try and start it and just all round try and chill out for a little bit. With me still coming up hard, worrying the fact we had no fire, getting increasingly scared and cold...it was bad. I call up my brother to let me know if my friend turns up at my place. This was getting worse and worse...

Now I have never had a 'bad trip' on anything, let alone LSD/mescaline/mushrooms all together before. I had no idea what it would feel like...absolutely no idea. Well after a bit of time I finally got a phone call from my brother, telling me that my friend was now back at my place and safe. I should've felt better now knowing this but I think the damage was already done. My fate was made. I bent down to try and get the fire going but I was unable to do a lot. I was shaking like crazy. I stopped what I was doing, and sat there, breathing very fast, and shivering profusely. I tried to take my mind off things. I tried to stand up and screw around with the fire again.

After failing dismally, I sat down again, still breathing hard and shivering. My friend now asked me if I was OK, and I said 'I don't think so man.' He asked me if I wanted to go home but I said I was OK for now. I kept talking to my friend and he kept reassuring me I was OK and everything was fine. As my condition was increasingly getting worse, my friend was starting to get concerned so he put on some music first and then started talking to me about his bad trip and how he felt at the time. According to him, I was in a very similar state at the time. He asked me how it felt and I said I wasn't sure. He then asked me if it was powerful and I said 'YES! It's more powerful than anything else! Powerful!' At this time I was crying and spluttering and whimpering and laughing and screaming, all at the same time. It was incredible.

I was in too much of a state to really be away from home, so I said/cried/screamed/whimpered 'I THINK I WANNA GO HOME MAN! I WANNA GO HOMMEEEEE!' I felt really horrible and guilty and I was saying how sorry I was to my friend for ruining his trip and he kept saying it was OK and he has had to do similar things before and I should just try and keep my mind off things and keep talking and walking. I quickly gathered my things and began the long walk home. It was dark, cold, and I was started to get very wet. While I was walking through a densely forested area, I got very very scared and I was constantly stopping and whimpering...constantly. I then realized about now that this was the most intense spiritual and emotional moment of my life. This wasn't just some scary horrible thing anymore, it was POWERFUL. INTENSE. MAGICAL. CRAAZY. INSANE. ENLIGHTENING. EVERYTHING. The fight-or-flight response of panic and fear is almost exhilarating. I have never felt anything like that in my life.

My friend while still talking, and making sure I was OK, asked me how I was & exactly how I felt. I said 'I'm...not...sureee!' He then asked me to look at him and say the words 'I-AM-O-K!' I kept doing so and it made me feel better. He then told me about how when he was having his bad trip and that how you will never feel this exact feeling ever again and to think about how many people ever get to feel this feeling. And I clearly remember him saying 'LSD is the most incredible thing in the universe.' it hit me so hard. The realization of what I was feeling. At the given time. All at once. I broke down just crying saying 'OH MY GOD! OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU ARE SO RIGHT! FREEDOM OF CONSCIOUSNESS IS A HUMAN RIGHT AND NOBODY CAN EXTRACT EXPERIENCE FROM MY BRAIN AND NOBODY CAN TAKE THIS FEELING AWAY FROM ME!' It was a powerful moment. Very personal and spiritual.

Wow. What I was feeling was so incredible. I felt like this was a step forward in my life. This was now and the beginning of tomorrow not before today. But now & after now. I couldn't fathom it! This was impossible! I was feeling things that are not possible to feel! Once we got out of the park and around houses, I was still crying and whimpering. Because I was around houses I had to muffle the noises I was making. Constantly crying and whimpering. When would this leave me? I couldn't handle much more of it. I was so glad when we got back to my place. I opened the door, went upstairs, collapsed on the bathroom floor, and started rolling around, in a state of complete egolessness. Totally unaware of what I was feeling. My mood was constantly changing. From despair to happiness, from catatonia to bliss, from anxiety to sadness, from complete terror to warmth and peace. This would change as constantly as every 15 seconds, sometimes taking about 15 minutes to change.

I went downstairs, and just sat on the floor in front of the TV. The noise was horrible! I demanded it be turned off. I couldn't take it. Sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth in the fetal position was truly horrible. Constantly with a changed mood. People talking to me meant nothing. I was getting paranoid. I thought they were using me. I had no idea what sort of shit they had me doing for them at the time. They would deliberately tell jokes and I wasn't sure whether to believe it for a second. Then a few seconds later I'd burst into a fit of laughter after realizing they were joking.

Then BANG! It would happen again... FEAR! TERROR! INSANITY! CATATONIA! FEAR! HAPPINESS! EUPHORIA! INTENSE WONDER! ANXIETY! PARANOIA! The constantly changing moods were fucking so horrible but they were gradually wearing off. Every single day we take our sanity for granted. Trust me. Being crazily insane and stuck in a crazy constantly changing loop for 5-6 hours was not fun.

In time, the loops were calming down and they kept becoming less and less intense. But sitting down on the floor saying to my friend 'oh shit... It's gonna happen again now isn't it?' then he'd say 'aaaaaany minute now.' then I'd get up and start walking around, talking to myself and going crazy and screaming, laughing, crying. Then I'd go and sit down again and feel OK. Then I'd ask if it was going to happen again soon. Then it would go on, and on, and on, and on, and on. I think I would've had at least 20-30 intense loops, with about another 100+ or so that happened in my head which weren't evident to those around me.

I went outside and decided to smoke a few cones, and that made me feel alright. I was still peaking hard. The loops didn't seem to get any worse so I sat outside for a bit and just chilled out and kept smoking. After a bit I went inside and I was able to concentrate on the TV a little bit better now and the loops weren't as bad. As it got later and later I realized the sun was going to be coming up soon. So I thought a walk was in order.

I walked back down to the park across the big oval I walked across the night before. There was a very thick fog over the oval, and the grass was COVERED in dew. Soon enough, over the horizon, the sun rose. It was directly in front of me, a massive burning ball of light, heat & energy. I could feel its warmth immediately. And I could feel this 'roaring' and 'glowing' feeling inside me. I then bent down and touched the dew in the grass, and almost before I'd even touched it it just disintegrated into nothing and the little patch of dew I touched had disappeared. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my whole life. Everything that I had ever perceived flashed past my eyes and the most intense feeling I felt at the time was love! Love is the most powerful feeling there is, and I am sure of this now. I just broke down crying again. I was there, at that exact time, experiencing something so fucking amazing and unique and beautiful. This was the most beautiful moment of the whole trip, and the most beautiful feeling I've ever felt in my whole life. At the time I started to feel a real conclusive feeling like the trip was talking to me. It kinda said 'it's over now, so you make the most of it. I'm leaving now. May the light I've produced for you and the things I've showed you be understood and used to push yourself as far as you want to during your time on this planet.'

As I got up and kept walking towards the sun in complete euphoria and happiness and spirituality, I felt like I was healed. All the tears I expelled from my body were like purging. All the poison was gone and expelled from my body and I was running on the power & spirit of love. I felt healed. After a little while I eventually walked back home, drank some water, ate some fruit, let my friends go home and then I finally went to sleep at about 1 p..m, about 17 hours after ingestion. I was still feeling too high to sleep but my body just switched itself off. After I got up later that day at about 6 pm I still felt not normal. At 10 pm the next time I smoked some weed and noticed mild LSD/mescaline-like visuals, more than 24hours after ingestion. Wow.

All in all, I think that the initial freak out was the mushrooms that pushed me over the edge, it was the acid that caused the insane delusions and thought & it was the powerfully energetic visuals from the mescaline which made the edginess of the acid even worse. I think I felt a strong happy peaceful healed sort of feeling while walking along the grass which I attribute to mescaline. What an intense nightmare. But intense nightmares get you a lot further than any other plain old happy giggly walk in the park.

I think I will be taking some time off psychedelics and generally trying to get myself back together. In time I will dose again, because I feel like I owe so fucking much to these extremely wonderful unique chemicals and what they are capable of doing.

If it ever happens to me again, I'll think about how amazing and unique and exhilarating it feels. Go with it! And let it do what it wants to do. Whatever doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger. If it's scary and bad it's like that for a reason! Psychedelics make me think & feel the way I should be thinking and feeling at the time. They are all keys that are capable of opening doors that will push life in the right direction. I needed to realize that not everything in life is meant to be fun or enjoyable. Some beneficial things aren't necessarily going to be fun.

Peace, love, happiness & contemptness to all! I love each and every one of you! We are 6 billion different personalities all thriving off cosmic energy that we all individually create! Whenever you love someone or do something good, beautiful or amazing to yourself or someone else, you will add to that energy and make it available for someone else to feel. Pass on the love and light to everyone you see and everyone you ever meet!

Exp Year: 2010ExpID: 92907
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 20 
Published: Nov 16, 2012Views: 13,640
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66), LSD (2), Cacti - columnar (10) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Bad Trips (6), Combinations (3), General (1)

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