Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Mike. "Love in the Eyes of the Reaper: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp93688)". Erowid.org. Mar 27, 2020. erowid.org/exp/93688
At the time of this experience, I had taken a long time off of psychedelics, years. I don’t regularly drink and haven’t smoked weed in over 10 years. I wanted to revist mushrooms primarily based on reading I’ve done about shamanism and spirituality. I get a lot of exercise and eat an organic diet of raw vegetables, free-range meat and little processed food.
I was able to get an 8th of “Penis Envy” P cubensis mushrooms. My mind set leading up to the experience was more or less positive, but I was on this search for meaning in my life, there was a deep restlessness that I felt.
I was on this search for meaning in my life, there was a deep restlessness that I felt.
I recklessly took approximately 3 grams of the dried mushrooms; I was alone in my apartment, which I knew was violating one of the first rules of taking psychedelics. It was daytime, mid-afternoon, my apartment feels safe and comfortable, no bad energies.
I hadn’t prepared for what happened.
The whole thing came on pretty intensely within 10 minutes or so. The visuals came on strong and I felt as if I was in the grips of some aggressive spirit ripping me away from my consciousness. I talk a lot of shit about “dissolving my ego” but this was the real thing. It was a loss of control that I had never experienced before, I began to panic a little. Everything was brighter and then I started to see trails and swirling translucent shapes creeping across the walls. The idea that I had entered something that I didn’t fully understand started entering my mind.
I was listening to a playlist that I had put together; Evoken was playing and as I tried to hang on to reality, I realized that this was the wrong thing to be listening to. The darkness of the music was starting to unsettle me a little. I began to pace around the apartment as everything around me started dissolving, everything was moving, melting and the dimensions of the walls of my apartment began to shift. I heard this far off sound, vaguely mechanical; at that point, I wasn’t sure if it was actually happening or if it was emanating from some far off realm.
The trees outside of my window were highlighted by pink. I went into the bathroom, I felt like I had to urinate. I stood over the toilet but couldn’t seem to make it happen. I looked into the mirror and I saw a hyper-real vision of myself, as if every detail had been sharpened. I realized that I was alone, nobody was going to help me if something went “wrong.” I entertained the thought of calling 911 to see if they could make this stop and prevent me from being sucked into this unknown realm that I knew was waiting for me. I had this feeling of inevitability, as if I was going to be forcibly taken away to an unknown location. The anxiety started setting in. I couldn’t call 911 because what I was doing was illegal; someone would want to know where I got this stuff and I wasn’t going to dime the guy that I bought the mushrooms from.
I wanted to leave the apartment, as if I could run away from what was trying to get me. I tried to slip my shoes on, but I couldn’t get my feet to line up. Leaving was no longer and option. I had this quick flash of me wandering around my neighborhood, blazing on mushrooms.
While I was still lucid, I went into my room and layed down on my bed. I began to panic, remembering that I was alone and if something happened to me, it would be days before anyone found me. I’m aware that youe can’t really OD on mushrooms but I was convinced that I was dying. It became hard to breath and I tried to get comfortable. I closed my eyes and I saw these writhing ball of wormlike creatures, I opened my eyes and looked at the Ampeg V4 cabinet next to me; the tolex looked like black translucent snakes. I had this anxious feeling. I began chanting “nam myoho renge kyo” and taking deep breaths between each line. I began to settle down, my breathing stabilized. My eyes were closed and I saw these organic pyramids with rows of faces. The eyes and mouths were opening and closing. I opened my eyes and the pyramids remained in my field of vision momentarily and then whisked away.
I closed my eyes and I sunk deeper, I thought about my parents and felt sad that I would never see them again. I let go of those feelings and concentrated on the chanting and breathing. Eventually, I stopped chanting and just focused on my breathing. My field of vision was filled by horizontal stripes of gold, blue and red all running together. As I breathed the stripes expanded and contracted like a ribcage.
I considered the fact that I was most likely dying. I heard this far off mechanical sound, deep and constant. I tried to hold on and suddenly the world turned dark. I say patterns made out of skulls, shifting and changing into these endless tapestries. A black-skinned face appears with huge black pupils. It had a circular mouth with inwardly-pointing rows of teeth. It had a mane of feather-like protrusions ringing its head. Its mouth opened and closed and I felt like it was going to eat me. As I let go of my consciousness, my “soul’ the creature receded and I drifted down this white hallway with neon pink borders. It was like the entrance to a dance club.
I started seeing these organic triangular patterns in front of me; they were like window panes; I could vaguely see some other landscape nehind it. As I moved my field of vision from left to right, the patterns distorted, parts moved in and out of focus. One by one, the panes fell away revealing a grassland. It this “other world.” I had the sense that I was no longer myself, but an earlier version of myself, a primordial version of myself. I heard animal sounds, felt wind on my face. I was somewhere else. I was infinitely far away from this world and my consciousness was a distant memory. The life that I lived on this plane was a distant, far away, almost forgotten reality. Was this a past life that I had lived?
Eventually, I drifted away from this as well. I travelled into a world of yellows, browns and deep reds. I observed several beings; some of the beings looked like cats, sphinxes and human / dog hybrids. I saw this massive pyramid-like structure, massive, huge, endless. I no longer existed in the sense of identity, ego, soul. I felt like I was a disembodied being made out of energy, passing through different realms. I imagine this is what it’s like to die, but it wasn’t scary. There was a sense that everything was going to be okay, that the physical version of our bodies were temporary and that this energy-beings were the eternal part of us.
It felt as if I had fallen from the sky and into my body. The trip ended abruptly. There was a lot of low level psychedelic visuals, trails, colors happening but I was very much back in my own body. That phase lasted for about an hour or so. I began paced around the apartment, trying to assimilate back into my body. I started looking at the various cocks; I couldn’t quite make-out the significance of the symbols and number I was seeing on the face of the clocks.I had difficulty placing myself back into any kind of timeline. I wasn’t sure what day it was and I spent a lot of time looking at the clock trying to decide if it was dusk or dawn, how long the whole thing has lasted etc. It turned out that the trip had only lasted less than 4 hours. Usually, mushroom trips lasted about 6 hours for me but with way lower intensity.
I had the feeling that I had been given some kind of heavy truth, but it was slowly starting to fade away as the static of this world began to enfold me. The answer to all of my questions was just beyond my reach and as I became my “myself” it was receding back into the spirit world ,hidden until I can go back again.
I made my way back to my room and lay down. I wasn’t quite ready to be part of this world again. I began to weep. There were deep emotions locked inside of me that were being released. I felt warm tears on my cheeks and all of this poured out of me. I called my girlfriend. She was on a bus heading back to the city. I told her that I had been somewhere else, that I had taken a large dose of mushrooms and travelled out of my body. She asked me if I was okay; I said that I felt great, just a little worn out. She said that I should eat something and she would come by with a car service to pick me up in a few hours. I made a bowl of rice, tuna and some vegetables. My cat came over, sniffing around, interested in sharing some of my food. I looked deep into her eyes and saw intelligence. I felt like we were the same, the only difference was that my molecules were arranged in the form of a man and her molecules were arranged in the form of a cat. I let her eat from my bowl; she seemed to dig the hot tuna and ate some of the rice. I felt close to her.
I took a shower. I had a dull ache in my head and neck. It felt good to wash off and be alive. It was cathartic to realize that I had returned and that I had some more time left here. A few hours later, Jaclyn called from the car. They were downstairs. We got in the car and we drove to to her place.
The next day at work was trippy. I should have taken the day off, slept and meditated on what had happened to me. I couldn’t focus on work at all.
I should have taken the day off, slept and meditated on what had happened to me. I couldn’t focus on work at all.
I was there in my physical form, but my spirit was still standing in both worlds. I wanted someone to talk to about what I had seen, felt, experienced, but no one I my immediate circle had anything like this in common with me.
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