Citation: Victor Vajra. "Hearing the Logos: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp94214)". Erowid.org. Mar 27, 2020. erowid.org/exp/94214
It is Christmas day and I’m writing this after experiencing a truly transformative experience. Harrowing, but transformative. I’m 34, Married and a Father of 2 Boys. I wanted to try psychedelics as a way to achieve “Spiritual Enlightenment”. Whatever that means …. I’ve always been fascinated with the power of the mind. How thought seems to dictate the course of our lives. I’ve never been able to practice any organized religion, because they never really made sense to me at a fundamental level. They seemed to mix abject truth with abject falsehood. Some religions such as Hinduism, Taoism, Zen-Buddhism I found more appealing than others for they seemed to be closer to the truth than the Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Islam and Christianity).
I asked a friend to procure some Psylocibin Mushrooms for me. He got me 6 grams. My first trip was great. I took about 1.5 – 2 grams my first time.
My first trip was great. I took about 1.5 – 2 grams my first time.
I was really careful and paced myself. I read all the trip reports and did extensive research. Overall the experience was overwhelmingly positive: I experienced euphoria, some interesting geometric patterns. I made some important realizations about myself. I needed to connect more with my children and my wife. I was absent from them because I was afraid of connecting with them fully. Realizing that they needed me to provide love, strength and guidance to them and I felt lost and unable to provide that for them all the time. I experienced a tough childhood so I didn’t exactly feel like a grown up half the time.
So I decided to repeat the experiment again. This time I took the remaining 3 grams. I was up late at night by myself. My wife and children were asleep. I tried setting up the mood similar to the way I had done before. I voiced a silent prayer to the mushroom spirits to go easy on me. I humbly asked them to teach me and I was willing to learn.
This time I felt nervous for some reason. I had an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that I could not shake. I brushed it off and tried to relax by doing some deep breathing and meditation. It was shortly after midnight on Christmas morning when I took the three grams. I waited for it to take effect. I tried watching television, that was a horrible idea. The faces started morphing, the noise was confusing. I tried using my computer, maybe turning on some music. The water from the toilet started to become really loud and then it happened. I started to hear whispers, a million whispers, I couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying words here and there phrases. I think I was listening to the collective unconscious. I ignored it and told myself that it wasn’t real. I went upstairs to check on my wife and children. They were sleeping and I got a horrible feeling of dread. I felt alone unable to reach them. I went into a spare bedroom to be by myself. I thought closing my eyes and just giving in to the trip would help.
I heard the voices again, they were more ominous, menacing. I was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions at once, fear, revulsion, despair, hopelessness were just invading me. I remember reading about how sometimes psylocibin could trigger symptoms of mental illness in those who had a predisposition to it. I thought this was happening to me and it terrified me. My biggest fear is in losing my mind. I felt like I was going completely insane. I decided that I needed to be outside, if I spent any more time in my house I would be engulfed and fall into madness.
I put on my clothes and took my cell phone. It was 2:45 in the morning. The air was cold, all the lights were bright but all the buildings were dark and foreboding. Trees were scary. It was like I was in a real life horror movie. I thought about going back home, but I remembered that being inside was more terrifying. I kept hearing the voices, I saw a taxi pass me by with people and I couldn’t tell whether it was coming or going. The sidewalk next to my street seemed to stretch on forever and I seemed to be walking on a treadmill. Bright lights were terrifying me as sudden changes in light or sound would amplify the voices I was hearing. . I was talking to myself each time I saw something that would scare me.
I prayed to whoever was listening to get me through this. I swore that this would be the last time I was ever going to try mushrooms or any hallucinogens for that matter. I thought about all the mistakes I made in my life and how I had blamed others for most of my problems. I kept thinking about how I would do things differently when I came down.
I kept thinking about how I would do things differently when I came down.
I just kept walking. Each time I would hear the voices and they would frighten me more because they would grow louder and louder.
Then I got the urge to repeat a mantra. Somehow I just kept saying the same words over and over as I was walking. Love-Joy-Peace, Love-Joy-Peace, Love-Joy-Peace. Then I started singing it:
Slowly my despair turned, my fear dissipated and then I was filled with the most unimaginable happiness and peace. I was singing the heartbeat of the universe and then all at once it was like I was flooded with information. I realized that I was not alone, I was not just an I, but that I was part of the “All” the self organizing intelligence that some would call God. This intelligence has a vibrational frequency that manifests as Love, Joy and Peace.
I felt reborn, all at once. I realized how misguided I had been before. How cruel and unkind had been to myself and others and that ultimately everything that I deemed important was meaningless. My work, my income, my possessions and even my fear of death were silly because “I” ultimately would return my energy to the source. Then I truly understood all the teachings that I had read in books. I realized all the events in my life had pointed me to this realization and I was grateful to everyone who put me on the path. I was also told that the information I was given was important because for too long human beings have gone against operating at this higher frequency and that the universe will resonate with this frequency despite all our efforts to go against it.
I felt like I belonged for the first time in my life. Like I could live in truth and I promised that from this point forward, I would try my best to live my life as a manifestation of Love, Joy and Peace. That ultimately my purpose was to try and help other human beings discover this truth so we could all experience the supreme elation of being. I had to share this information with someone. I felt that it was selfish to keep it to myself. I wanted to tell someone anyone that they too could experience this connection.
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