Mushrooms - P. cubensis & Diazepam
Citation: Norcalgirl. "More Than I Ever Could Have Expected: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis & Diazepam (exp94501)". Erowid.org. Apr 22, 2022. erowid.org/exp/94501
I woke up on the last day of the year with plans to take mushrooms for the first time. Though it was my first time with psilocybin, I have taken other mind altering substances and had a very negative experience in July that made me consider swearing off psychedelics for good. I'm also prone to general anxiety and OCD thought patterns regularly, along with paranoia if I so much as smoke one hit of weed. All in all, I don't blame myself for having been extremely cautious about my New Year's Eve plans.
I ate plain oatmeal with half a cup of black coffee for breakfast and was so nervous, I had trouble getting it down. At around 11:30, I decided it was now or never. I'd heard reports of mushrooms lasting around 8 hours and didn't want to be up late at night, so I measured out an amount somewhere in between 1.5 and 2 grams. As an extra precaution for my nerves, I broke a 10 mg Valium roughly in half and took the smaller half. I then began to slowly eat the dry mushrooms while sipping water. I've never liked regular mushrooms, but these didn't taste bad. They were earthy and kind of sweet, like a gourmet variety.
Ther person I took them with, D, opened the window blinds and asked how I was feeling. I had mild nausea and was already experiencing the first effects, as it had taken me a long time to eat them.
I had mild nausea and was already experiencing the first effects, as it had taken me a long time to eat them.
When I closed my eyes, I had long lasting, extra bright afterimages of the light coming in from the blinds, plus a general lift in mood. We went to a more dimly lit room to lie down, and he turned on Jefferson Airplane. The nausea was getting worse and I felt better sitting up, but it passed quickly for D. We discussed the visual effects that were coming on; the borders and trim on the walls were undulating, and I had strong closed eye visuals of fractal patterns, along with light trails of moving objects. I went into the bathroom and observed the door growing longer and thinner, then shifting again. It made me think of Alice In Wonderland with some amusement.
D was doing well and despite me being extremely motion sick, I suggested we go outside and take a walk. We left the front door and the sunlight was almost blinding. The colors of nature were amazing and the glare on his car surface had intense halos around it. Solid objects were shifting around but none of the visual effects were too heavy or overwhelming. D was having a great time but his animated movements and talking were making me feel more and more like vomiting, which I had no interest in doing in public, so we had to cut the walk short and return.
I sat in the brightly lit living room with a wastebasket, telling D that I felt good mentally, but the nausea was holding me back. He told me I didn't look good at all, which worried me. I asked him to avoid saying anything that would make me paranoid because things were still intensifying and I didn't want to get into a negative loop. I took some ginger tea and the trash basket out onto the back porch, thinking a natural setting would be more comfortable, but there was a dead bird lying on the ground being eaten by ants, which freaked me out a little. It made me start focusing on negative things like death and my physical discomfort, as well as the bad trip I had experienced last summer, in which I thought I was dead. I assumed I was headed for another difficult experience and decided that after riding it out, I would take a longer break from psychedelics.
I immediately went back inside, forgetting the tea and trash can, announcing that I was going to make myself vomit and get it over with. D begged me to just lie down and relax, but I went straight to the bathroom and sat in front of the toilet. He followed me and asked if there was anything I needed. I commented that he was extremely talkative, and it was annoying me a little, which seemed to amuse him further. I also really wanted to be alone so he wouldn't see me vomit, so I asked him to bring me some water. He left and I checked the time; it felt like hours since I took the mushrooms but only less than an hour had passed in reality. Meaniwhile, the open eye visuals were getting more intense. There were thousands of angels and meditating buddhas all over the walls, all symmetrically perfect and radiating light. Not knowing what else to do, I turned away from the toilet and sat in a meditative pose with my feet underneath me.
Desperate not to have a bad trip again, I thought about Terence McKenna and tried communicating with the mushrooms, as he once suggested. I asked them to be gentle, then relaxed a little against the wall. Out in the hall, the rug and carpet slowly moved back and forth while Jefferson Airplane played in the other room. I relaxed further, laughing and thinking about what a stereotypical '60s hippie moment' it all was. Suddenly, it was as if someone flipped a switch and my mood changed. The room was so light, airy, and beautiful. Powerful vibrations were coming up from the ground, which felt similar to but like 1000 times more intense than hearing a crystal singing bowl. My legs were even shaking. I realized that what I felt was the subatomic foundations of matter, that everything was made up of these vibrations and is the same underneath it all. It was like experiencing string theory firsthand, which was exciting beyond words. It was the kind of thing I've always wished would happen to me during a trip. Sudddenly, things that had been irritating me like the nausea, the same album on repeat, or D's laughter, no longer bothered me because I realized they were part of me and I was part of them.
D came back with water and a glass of milk and asked how I was doing. I excitedly explained my breakthrough to him. He noted that my whole body was shaking. A new feeling of incredible peace hit me like a train and I realized for the first time in my life that I was actually experiencing things in the moment with no thoughts or internal dialogue going. I laughed and cried in joy, trying to tell D that I had been trying to be in the moment for years without understanding what it meant, but now knew how easy it was. It was the most profound moment of my life, the moment I had been waiting for forever. I told D that it was like the Beatles song, that all you needed to be happy was to 'let it be.'
I wiped my face off and got up, noticing the nausea had mostly disappeared once I had accepted it. We went into the bedroom again and I asked him to put on a particular album, Gloss Drop by Battles. As he found it on his computer, I commented that it felt like my brain was organized and compartmentalized like a computer. In particular, I could sense how deep and far reaching my memory storage really was. Everything seemed very sharp and I could recall minute details of stuff that I couldn't believe I had the ability to remember at all. I've heard that some primitive people used mushrooms before hunting or warfare, and now I understand why. Like the nausea, there were no longer feelings of physical intoxication and my body seemed lighter and more coordinated than ever before. D even took a brief video of me describing my experience and when I watched it the next day, I was surprised to see how coherent and sober I appeared.
We danced to the music for what seemed like an eternity, and both marveled at how sensitive we were to touch, running our hands over different surfaces like corduroy materials and orange peels like it was the first time. Time felt like it was going so slowly, but I was extremely happy and didn't want it to end just yet. Nothing could have brought me down into bad trip territory at that point, not even if someone had locked me in a basement with horrible demon clown pictures lining the walls. It was about 2:30 and the peak of our trips.
After dancing, we went and cut up an apple. It helped relieve a lot of my long term psychedelic use anxieties to find that I could safely use a knife while under the influence. (Thanks, elementary school DARE counselors...) The apple smelled like the most incredible perfume, while the plate of KFC biscuits next to them on the counter smelled like horrible chemicals. An orange smelled equally wonderful, but I had no interest in eating. I had another glass of milk and made some chai tea, more to smell than to drink.
D and I went back to the bedroom and sat on the floor, listening to Yes while he ate the apple. I commented about the irony of having a horrible trip in the most beautiful setting (a hiking trail in the redwood forest) last summer, but achieving such an amazing state of mind in a generic apartment bathroom in the middle of an ugly city. He commented on how interesting it was that we were so turned off by the biscuits and only interested in natural foods like milk and fruit, and how maybe the mushrooms were reconnecting us with nature in a way even though we were inside. We felt coherent enough to go out at this point, but were concerned about someone noticing our extremely dilated eyes. Plus, we were so happy where we were that the external setting no longer mattered.
I laid down on the bed and started up at the ceiling while listening to The Revealing Science of God and Awaken. The songs sounded more beautiful than ever, and even the ugly popcorn ceiling had been transformed into a magnificent pile of iridescent, multicolored jewels. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the visuals of neon, geometric patterned dragons spitting out liquid fire in tune to the song. I realized that all my visuals were perfectly symmetrical and that math all ultimately makes sense because it's based on nature. I nearly flunked out of high school and college algebra, but would love to give math a chance again now.
I felt so warm and cozy, just like I sometimes do right before falling asleep. Everything was so beautiful and perfect, I wished it would have been longer lasting, but accepted that it would eventually wear off. I just hoped that I could remember everything I had learned while sitting on the bathroom floor and apply it to life while sober. D and I noted that our eyes were no longer noticably dilated and we made plans to go out later that evening to see a fireworks show. Our energy levels were great and we felt amazing. The sense of perfect bliss receded, but I was left with a calm inner peace that entire night. Other than the nausea and brief anxiety at the start of things, the only other weird thing I can recall is that the mushrooms had a diuretic effect. Despite only drinking water moderately, I had to pee constantly and heavy amounts did come out. After the trip ended, I drank a couple glasses of water to rehydrate myself and didn't have the weird effect anymore.
When I woke up the next morning, the inner peace was still there. More amazingly, my anxiety had lifted like a curtain. Some of it was still there at a low level in the background, but I decided to try letting go and accepting it. When worries would came into my mind, I let them in and then let them pass instead of focusing on them. I also had the same control with my inner dialogue and could turn it off when I wanted to. A few times that weekend, I caught myself just doing things naturally that I used to have OCD habits associated with. D noted that the back pain which had plagued him for weeks was gone.
Maybe it's too early to tell, but the decision to take mushrooms was one of the best things I've done. The anxiety is still gone for the most part, and I feel a lot more grounded and relaxed. Even my friends and family have commented on my personality change. Now I know for certain that peace and happiness come from within and that everyone has the potential for it on the inside. Just like yoga or meditation, psychedelics can possibly be a tool to help along the way when used responsibly. At the same time, they're not for everyone and that's okay. It's too soon to tell if I'll take mushrooms, or anything else, again at this point. It's likely, but I'd be happy if this was the last trip I have in my life. It was more than I ever could have expected, especially from the tiny amount I took. There are no words to describe how thankful I am.
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