Citation: Kosmic Suture. "Matrix Mindmelt: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp95192)". Erowid.org. Aug 14, 2019. erowid.org/exp/95192
||10 - 12 g
||(edible / food)
I'm fairly new to drugs, and I've found I'm partial to the psychadelics, although unfortunately I have a genetic 'condition' that makes me resistant to most drugs. Typically it takes 2x as much to have exact same effect on me as an average person. Well, the other night I got kind of cocky and my buddy had just sold me some chocolates that were laced with about 3.5-4g of shroom each. I had taken 2 in the past and it was a good high, but I wanted to trip balls and see what it was like, so I popped three of them over about an hour or so. That's somewhere between 10-12g of shrooms. It was just me and my wife in the house, so I was set.
As I was into my shroom trip about an hour, I started thinking that maybe a hit of some DMT that a buddy brought over a couple days before would be nice. I decided that I would research the advisability of that before I tried it, and set the idea aside for a bit.
One of the things I've always loved about the couple times in the past I've had shrooms is that I can kind of sit back and examine myself and pick at my flaws and figure out how to correct them. None of the usual barriers, none of the resistance to looking at my flaws. I have done a fair bit of self-healing since I found shrooms. They even help me to mold my personality to get rid of some of my more undesirable traits. I was laying up in my bed with my wife thinking about my life and I realized that I really could see how to really turn my life around for the better. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some loser, I'm an IT guy that makes almost 6 figures, so I have some things going for me, but I do have some self destructive behaviors I picked up from being a neglected/slightly abused kid, and as I'm laying in my bed, I'm seeing this plan lay itself out before my eyes showing me how I need to start developing focus and take control of my life better. It's kind of mind blowing and I realize that there isn't any way that I'll be able to remember it all, so I decide to go downstairs and write an email to myself. Reordered a bit to put it in an easier to understand timeline. :)
When I started to write this email, As a half joke, I decided to address it to 'future me'. It's a joke I share with a fellow I used to work with who would always tell us to always think about what 'future you' is going to say and if he's going to thank you.
Anyways, as I was about to sit down and type, I realized how I was feeling so much smarter and sharper, like my mind is going a million miles an hour. I also realized that one of the things in my 'master plan' for self improvement was to start making lists of all the things I need to do and remember and start making schedules, so I decided to just real quickly put my list together. First I started with safety equipment I've kept telling myself I need to buy, but never feel like I have the money for when I see. While I was in this state, I realized how stupid it was because dying early because I didn't buy stuff or teach the kids basic emergency skills and drills, what to do in different types of emergencies.
At this point I start having thoughts flowing through my mind so fast I decide to switch to the advice email, where I wrote this:
Ok, lets get our shit together future me. If you want to be happy, this is your roadmap. I donít know how I know it, but I just know this shit.
Also, we need to start giving ourselves some daily structure and building up regular checklist of what we need to accomplish or do during the day. At work, I probably want to have an hourly check of things I need to be aware of. What do I want to make of my life. What do I want to do? Lets put some focus back in our life and figure out what in the hell we are wanting to do.
We are wasting too much time. Entertainment is fine, but I think we need to start directing our lives better. We are drifting and wasting too much of our life in mindless things that arenít really making us happy when the day is done. Set a reminder on the phone to go off every hour and FORCE yourself to look at the list, pay attention to everything on the list. Give it your undivided attention, and remind yourself on an hourly basis what your goals really are.
I think you'd have to admit (especially if you knew me very well), that the voices in my head were giving me some pretty damn good advice, and I didn't want to miss any of it. This is about when it starts getting freaky. I started to feel like there was a voice in my head and that someone was taking control of my body. The voice sounded almost like someone on a helpdesk. I imagined that voice as some techie type guy at a keyboard with a headset for some reason, but I found myself typing the following, and as I typed I could hear this guy's voice saying what I was typing. It felt kind of like he had 'hacked' into my brain from some other universe/dimension/whoknows and was taking control of my body. I felt like he was trying to help me and was concerned:
itís IMPORTANT> VERY VERY VERY important. Ok, we are going to learn to rewrite the brain a little here. What you think you are isnít important. You arenít what you think you are. You are being controlled by someone else. Ok. Hereís what weíre going to do. You need to make yourself remember what your priorities in life are. What is important to you. You are going to make yourself remember every fucking hour what is important to you. You are going to.
At this point I'm actually starting to kind of freak out a little bit. I'm a grown man who hasn't shed a tear for 20 years or even been scared of that much in life. I was really starting to freak out here. My grasp on sanity has always been absolute, and this was really stretching me pretty bad now. The voice/writing continues:
Ok, lets get our shit together future me. If you want to be happy, this is your roadmap. I donít know how I know it, but I just know this shit. Anyways. This world is a little pocket of reality that you have made. I donít know what you thought was important, everything in this entire world is created by your mind. I have no idea what you really are, it doesnít really matter, because this entire thing you are living in here is just some imaginary bubble. YOU really are the only person in the entire universe. You have been hinting it to yourself for a long time. Whatever you were, you donít need this shell any more. Just remind yourself that this entire fucking thing is an illusion. It keeps sucking you down, but you are a fighter. Youíve been giving yourself hints all through life and now you have finally figured out what in the fuck really matters. Your wife is the only thing that matters. Oh yeah! we are going to fucking do the things that we want to do today.
THIS LIFE IS NOT REAL. We have seen the truth. We have seen the universe. When I smoke the DMT it will release me into the next life. I can enjoy this life. It doesnít FUCKING MATTER. Honestly. I can end it at any time. It is only an illusion that this life matters. I finally fucking understand. Take DMT 1 time. And the entire universe collapses into nothingness. You can enjoy this life. You can do anything you fucking want to do and it doesnít mater because itís all an illusion. You were going to say goodbye to your wife because you realized that it was all an illusion. Any time you want to end this illusion you can. You can turn it into anything you want to turn it into.
The DMT played a slightly bigger role than I have time for, and I'm not sure why it seemed so incredibly significant to me, but I did find it interesting to feel compelled towards taking DMT while on shrooms.
I did find it interesting to feel compelled towards taking DMT while on shrooms.
As I had this foreign entity (I felt) controlling me and making me write this as his words went through my mind, I started to have him (or another almost voice) ask me what was more important, truth, or a happy illusion? If this world wasn't real, the question seemed to form, would I rather stay with the illusion or would I rather know the truth. I almost collapsed to the ground as I told myself over and over that no matter what it is, I need to know the truth. I went out to the garage and was about to take a hit of DMT and blast myself off into the next universe. I was crushed because I now believed that my entire family that I loved so much was just an illusion created by my own mind. I didn't even know who or what I was. I felt like I was something larger, more powerful, but that I had created this dream to 'retreat' to as I healed myself, or something like that. Like maybe I was a little frail or something. I had the pipe in hand and was crying for the first time in 20 years, and was just preparing for blast-off when I thought about my wife. I thought about all the great times we've had together and how if this world was all in my head, that I don't know that I could have made a much better wife. I decided that illusion or no, I wanted to at least go upstairs and say goodbye to her before I blasted off and she and this world disappeared into oblivion.
I go cursing into the bedroom because of how upset I am. It feels like I'm in the middle of the fucking matrix and I'm about to find out what the real world really looks like, and from what I'm seeing so far, it doesn't look like anything even remotely earthlike. I don't have any clear pictures, just brief images of space and maybe glowing colors. I'm actually scared of something for one of the first times in ages as well. My wife wakes up terrorized at this point, but luckily for me she's a pretty patient woman with me and my experiments with mind altering substances. I go over to her telling her about how my life is over and how I have to move on. She tells me No! fiercely a few times and makes me slow down and explain what was going on. At this point she just kind of melted my heart even more, and I told myself that I wasn't sure if I cared if this was an illusion. What would the harm be if I just finished living out my illusionary life and then moving on if I really enjoyed it. Not only that, if this world was an illusion, then it meant that I could be really and truly happy because I knew it was just for fun. Entertainment.
Then the trip progressed through the logical progression that if this world were an illusion in my mind that I should be able to control it with my mind. I should be able to become god. To shorten an already long story, I then started to believe I was god and tried to convince my wife that I was god. I was just absolutely positive that I could do anything I wanted. I tried to prove it to her and I failed miserably. I kept having this phases where I felt like I was being 'reprogrammed' and that once I learned how to use my powers, I could be god. I would eventually wind down. During a very dramatic demonstration of how I wasn't god, in which I told my beloved that when she opened our front door that anything she imagined would be outside that door. It could even be Hawaii. Yeah, well, that didn't work so well.
I was actually rather flabbergasted. I had been connected to the huge consciousness that answers all problems and it convinced me that this world was an illusion and it was part of what convinced me I was a god, and obviously I wasn't a very good god if I can't make anything happen. I sat down on the stairs and then I had to wrestle with sanity for a moment as I tried to understand in a rather drugged state why these things I had been SO convinced of weren't real.
I tried to understand in a rather drugged state why these things I had been SO convinced of weren't real.
I started to truly understand what it could be like for someone trapped by a mind that doesn't work right. It made me realize that I couldn't count on any of the experience I had had. It put the entire experience to shame in the scientific test area, so I had to wrestle with how to best make my mind cope with it.
Wow. Total mind blowing experience. I still haven't gotten buzzed on DMT yet because there is a part of me that's still a tiny bit scared that it's true and that once I blast off that I leave the world behind me forever. Research tells me otherwise and tells me I am sure to survive it, but it just seemed so real and was so freaky that it has been impossible to completely dismiss the idea of this world only being an illusion, especially with somewhat recent evidence that seems to show that we could be living in a 'hologram'. More of a 2 or 2.5 dimensional world than a true three dimensional.
My brain has now been officially fucked over for life. I can't even take my own existance as a fact any more. :)
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