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The Great Ego Death
Mushrooms - P. weilii
by hadrik
Citation:   hadrik. "The Great Ego Death: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. weilii (exp95679)". Sep 20, 2021.

  oral Mushrooms - P. weilii (dried)
    oral Cannabis  
    oral Tobacco - Cigarettes  


I’ve tried to talk to people and explain my trip before, but I’ve always felt that I express myself better when I write, so I decided to submit my story.

It was mid October 2011. I was a sophomore in college and I had my own apartment with 2 friends. Life was good. Some of my friends got into shrooms over the summer and they always wanted me to do it with them. But I worked every day and then had a summer architecture program to do, which was 4 days of the week and stressful, so I never really had a chance to trip with them. I was also really hesitant about it because I’d heard stories of really bad trips and I knew that if you go into with a negative mindset, it’d be a bad trip. But once school started and stuff, life turned up. So we made a plan. I was going to go to my classes on Friday, then drive to my home town to pick up a friend (call him C) who had the shrooms, and we’d go back to my apartment. Then our friend Tom said he’d come up and trip too. And my roommate, J, would get home from work at 9, and that’s when we’d all trip. I will refer to myself as T.

So plans went well. It was around 8:30pm, so we decided we’d take ours and then J would get home and join in after. We had no scale, but C said he’d done shrooms enough to eye out an amount. He was a damn liar. He lined up his pile, my pile, and Tom’s pile on the table. We all sat down and got cups of water to help wash them down because they were super dry. Tom puts his all in his hand and shoves them all in at once. C and I ate ours one by one. I remember thinking right as I swallowed half of mine, “This is way too much. Why did I do this?”

We figured we had about 45 minutes to smoke a bowl to quell any nausea we might get. We went out on the porch and smoked. Then we went in. It was about 9pm. We had the xbox hooked up to the tv in the living room and we had the visualizer going while listening to Helios. I sat in the chair, C sat in the other chair, and Tom took the couch.

We all just sat there waiting for our trips to come. The walls started to breathe. The beer logo signs we had all around our apartment got really bright. I remember they were all mixing colors on our white walls, creating colors I’d never seen before. It was beautiful. I asked them all if they were tripping yet and they both said “Oh yeah.” We decided to go out and smoke a cigarette. We live on the 3rd floor of our apartment building.

I looked over the edge at a bush. I think that’s when the trip got bad. The distance seems like forever. The bush began to grow out from the base of it and started rising up the infinite height into my face. When it reached my eyes, it peeled apart to reveal Tom’s face and he was saying “T! T! Dude! Are you okay?!” I was confused. I didn’t know where I was. I felt I had just been woken up. I looked down and saw that I was sitting on the porch with my back against the door. He said “You just leaned back and fell out of nowhere!” I got up and told them I was fine and that I think I got vertigo from looking over the edge. I sat back down in the chair and asked C to get me a glass of water since he was getting himself one. He brought it over to me. I drank some and it tasted wonderful. I felt like the trip stopped, which I thought was weird. Tom then said “Are you allergic to mushrooms?” I told him there was no way. But that thought was seared into my mind. I noticed that I was sweating really bad and I went to my room and changed my shirt and came back and sat down. Then J got home and changed his clothes and ate his pile then went to his room to do something on the computer before his trip started. It was about 9:30pm at this point. Tom, C, and I talked about how peaceful the music was. Then Tom started playing Geometry Wars on the xbox and it was beautiful to watch. And that calmed me down enough to comfortable level.

My other roommate, M, and his girlfriend, J, got home and came to talk to us. J freaked me the hell out. She was looking at me like I made a mistake. Then they had like 5 friends come over and they were all talking and having conversations. I could hear every word of every conversation and every sound from the music playing. The room started moving all over and I started feeling really nauseous. It was too much activity for my mind to handle. I got up and stumble to my room. My depth perception was gone and it was hard to move my legs. I got to my room and went in my bathroom and locked the door. I dry heaved twice and felt better. I then sat on my toilet and looked around the room. The walls became a hexagon pattern, and some were growing, and some were getting smaller. I looked at the tiles on the floor and they were sliding around and changing from their original positions. I said aloud “Holy shit” and then I laughed. Then Tom came and knocked on my door and asked if I was ok and I said I was and that I just need to be alone. He went away.

I started feeling really nauseous now and I leaned of the toilet and threw up just a little, but seeing it in the toilet was the worst thing. I was convinced that I had poisoned myself and that I was going to die. I went to go lie in my bed to try and fall asleep and hopefully wake from this nightmare. Sleep was impossible. I had closed eye visuals that were so complex I can’t even begin to describe them. The only thing slightly similar is the transformers dark side of the moon trailer when it zooms out of megatron’s eye and then it turns on. So much movement and constantly changing. My door was open into the living room area and everyone was still out there and I could still hear everything. A friend of mine came into my room and yelled “T! Get up or I’m gonna ass rape you!” I rolled over and yelled back “I’m tripping my ass off! Leave me alone!” He then sat down on my bed and started asking me all these questions and I started thinking that he was going to tell someone. Then he left.

By now, there were about 10 people in our living room. I remember hearing someone say “Nobody move. Stay where you are.” And I immediately thought the cops were here. My mind began to race. I began to play out what would happen if the cops were really here. They were going to come in and try to talk to me and that they’d notice I was on something. Then they’d haul me off to jail. Then I started thinking that they’d think I was crazy. I wondered if some people became crazy when they did shrooms. I thought I was one of those people. I was terrified. This was going to last forever. Luckily, the cops weren’t there. But my mind was still stuck in the nightmare. This is when I had my ego death. I saw an image of me and my friends and I didn’t know who they were. I knew what they looked like and their name, but that was about it. It was like I lost every memory I had with them. Then I thought of myself. It was the same way. I felt as though I never existed. I didn’t know who I was. I began thinking that I was insane and that I would be institutionalized. I had visions of my family crying. They were disappointed in me for throwing away every blessing I had in life. It was like watching my own funeral.

I lost the next hour. I don’t remember I thing from it. I just know I had so many thoughts. It was like I was sleeping completely consciously. When I came out of that, I rolled over and looked at my phone to check the time. It was only 11:39. The numbers didn’t make sense. I forgot how to use my phone. I someone found my way to my inbox and saw that I had a text from my best friend, E. I called him immediately. I told him that I took shrooms and that I was having the wildest experience of my life. He laughed. I told him to come to my apartment the next day and we’d go get food and I’d tell him this story. He laughed again and said “Ok man. That sounds awesome. Have fun!” This cheered me up so much. I said “Dude, I love you man. You just saved me.” He said “Hahahaha! I love you too bro.”

From here on, the trip was wonderful. Tom came in my room and laid down on the floor and said “This is the most scared I’ve ever been. I can’t handle it.” I reassured him that I too had just had a terrifying experience, but it was over now and I felt great. I felt that I knew the secret to life. And that secret was love. Love could cure anything. I was so grateful for this answer I had been searching for forever. I told Tom that everything would be ok and I told him I loved him. He looked at me like I was a wuss and said it back in a confused tone. Then C came in, shut the door and sat down and put his head in his hands and said “This is sooooo intense” while laughing. I told him what had just happened to me. He reminded me the J was here and tripping too. I went out to look for him and found him on the porch sitting in a chair looking in amazement with a smile on his face. I came out and we were so happy to see each other. We just sat there and laughed. I then went in and looked at all our pictures in the apartment. Art was amazing. I was still having visuals but they were very fluid and calming. Tom wasn’t having a good time so he called two of our friends to come get him. When they came in, I was glad to see them because I hadn’t seen them in a while. We all got to talking and laughing and everything was perfect. I walked Tom and our two friends back to their car. On my way back, I was alone, and I just looked up at the sky. I stared into the infinite blackness and felt that I knew more about the universe and life.

I got back to my apartment where C and J were sitting at the table in the kitchen just laughing with the look of “holy shit, that was insane” and when I looked at them, we all laughed. We sat there for a while talking and staring at all the lights and having fun with our hallucinations. By now, my mind was just in a state of awe and I was completely comfortable.

Around 2 am, the effects were wearing off and I went to lie in my bed. I watched the roast of charlie sheen. I wondered how many people there had felt what I had just felt a few hours before. Realizing that the world still existed and nothing had changed except for my outlook on life. I finally fell asleep around 3:30am.

The next day, I woke up and thought of the night before. It all seemed like a dream. I went outside and saw how beautiful the world was. I was a new person now.

It’s been 6 months since this experience and I still think of it very frequently. Since then, I’ve stopped drinking, I study more, and I have an amazing girlfriend. I told her this story and said that without shrooms, I wouldn’t be able to love as much if I hadn’t done them. Looking back, I don’t regret it at all. Yeah, it was absolutely terrifying at times, but the epiphany was worth every second. I’m still debating on whether or not to do them again. If I do, I’ll be sure to take a smaller dose and be in a different location where being caught would be impossible.

This is what life is all about, the realization that we are all tiny organisms living in the vast universe. All we have is each other and our connections to one another. And that’s all we’ll ever have.

Exp Year: 2011ExpID: 95679
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 19 
Published: Sep 20, 2021Views: 232
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Mushrooms - P. weilii (127) : Difficult Experiences (5), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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