DOSE:	4 bowls	smoked	Cannabis
	56 g	oral	Mushrooms - P. cubensis	(fresh)

BODY WEIGHT:

200 lb

Just a little background about my life/substance use:

I'm 24 years old. I consider myself a relatively sane, creative, thoughtful, kind, and engaging person. Ever since I took LSD about a year ago I've been open to and fascinated by the world of psychedelics. I've lost count on the amount of times I've taken acid, though if I had to guess I would say close to 100. It was the chemical I lost my psychedelic virginity to and it holds a special place in my life. Because of it I probably over-think things a tad and make unusual connections between thoughts. Many of my drug experiences have been within fairly close proximity to one another, though I do recognize the need to space out these powerful experiences and integrate what is felt in one's life.

I have taken bridgesii cactus 7 times, and have felt the earth's guidance on each trip. This plant has shown me a deep love. I've taken ayahuasca twice with no purge, and while the experiences weren't exactly visually groundbreaking, afterwards I felt somehow cleansed, opened in a way I can't put my finger on it. I smoked DMT once, had some stimulating CEV's but never got very deep. A handful of interesting salvia experiences. Smoked datura leaves one time and had a very bizarre lucid dream. Cannabis is consumed almost daily.

And finally mushrooms. There is something unsettling about these creatures. I know they are my plant allies but I'm still scared of visiting them as they show me truths I'm not always ready to face. I have had 7 mushroom experiences, all of which have been spiritually profound, mind expansion trips that extend beyond the time the active compounds leave my body. This trip is one of them.

Presently I have been noticing a lot of death in my life. Not personally, but for my roommate who found out his estranged father was dying, the hearing of losses amongst co-workers, strangers, animals (my neighbor killed a snake with a shovel a few days ago which has been bothering me), etc. Life and death occur all the time, but I perhaps got a glimpse at what it's like personally.
*Sidenote: I do take said drugs very frequently, probably too often. Sometimes recreationally, but more so with the attitude of growth and understanding. I may take a long break from psychedelics after this experience.

Nine days ago, I came home from work, smoked a good deal of weed, put on some Rush and was jamming a bit. I was having fun but there was this ominous feeling that I couldn't seem to shake. I was by myself in my room. It wasn't really an ideal time for a trip as I had work early tomorrow and I like my wits about me on the job. But sometimes profound things interrupt our daily lives. I like to think these are growing experiences. I had stored in my fridge 56 fresh grams of golden teacher cubes. Prior to this my largest dose was around 39 grams and that experience could be described as visionary, life altering, and mind expanding with full on entity contact. Anyway for some reason I can't explain, I decided to eat all 56 grams.

I was already very stoned, enjoying the music, just hanging around my room. I asked the mushroom spirits for their blessings and to show me visions of truth, beyond judgment, though I didn't really consider the consequences.

About an hour in I sensed the mushrooms come on, as I was experiencing highly delusional, alien, and bizarre thoughts, which often occur on psilocybin. Certainly unsettling is the possibility that there is truth in these often nightmarish fantasies. The nature of my thoughts were of death, loss, decay, pain, repressed emotions, and such. A sense of dread seemed to penetrate my body as I tensed up. I tried to sway the course of the trip towards a positive mindset, but my fighting only seemed to speed up this overwhelming emotional roller-coaster downward. I've been on bad trips before, but I have always been able to manage my confusion and pull through. This however, was a new dimension of confusion and pain. I imagined my parents (who are both alive) had died and I was all alone. I felt like I had been stabbed by a cold blade of overwhelming sadness, loneliness, not being able to cope. Maybe I was just stuck in a negative thought loop, that my mind was the culprit. I reminded myself that mushrooms are powerful teachers of truth, and yet the pain I was feeling became unbearably sad, depressing and immobilizing. There was a brief yet unbearable moment where the thought of suicide arose in my mind. I didn't want to kill myself but the thought was present.

I kept asking why I was experiencing such sadness. I tried comforting myself by thinking this was preparation, a test, for my parent's passing and that I had to get myself through it. And yet the emotional devastation magnified tenfold despite my efforts. The whole time I kept wondering if I was just going insane, if I'd finally gone off the deep end and completely lost it. This seemed to last a miserable eternity.

While the visuals weren't as mystical or groundbreaking as previous lower dose trips, the flood of emotions was beyond anything I've ever felt in my life. I got two texts from my friends telling me about the solar eclipse. A little motivated, I got dressed as fast as I could and ran outside to see. My house had a poor view so I hiked up this hill (I live in close proximity to large rock formations and mountainous terrain) to get a better perspective. I was about to climb on this rock when I noticed a little snake slithering along the dead leaves. I got scared and stepped back, watching it disappear into the brush. I recently watched 'Natural Born Killers' and thought of the scene where the Indian and the rattlesnake were exorcising the main character's demons.

By now I had obviously missed the eclipse and decided to head back home before it got dark. I got back and sat outside on my front yard, frightened by the possibility of whether or not I was really losing my sanity. I really felt so alone and confused. I needed help, a guide, someone to talk to more then ever. I called my girlfriend but she didn't answer. I left her a text saying I was in the middle of a really bad trip and it would be nice to see her or hear her voice. She called me a few minutes later and asked me how I was doing. I told her I felt devastated, sad, as though I lost someone, though I hadn't. We both cried before she said (this is summed up from a long conversation), 'I think you're psychic. It's been a terrible day. Something happened to my best friend's mom. She killed herself.' I'd never met her mom nor do I know anything about her, however I've been friends with her daughter for a short while. My girlfriend and I were on the phone for a while, then we said we would talk the following day.

I'm speechless and unsure what to make of it. I have faith in the mushrooms, but I'm a little scared as they've mentally/spiritually/psychically thrust me deep into a new dimension. Is it possible that this was some sort of telepathy? I mean, there's the possibility that what happened is pure coincidence and it's just my mind that is creating meaning out of these events. But something tells me otherwise.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 96166
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Feb 11, 2023	Views: 227
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66), Cannabis (1) : Combinations (3), Bad Trips (6), Alone (16)