Citation: Naturegirl. "Never Again: An Experience with Wine, Tea & Kratom (exp96240)". Erowid.org. Mar 26, 2018. erowid.org/exp/96240
I'm a 20 year old female college student living at home, 130 lbs, I eat extremely healthily, am very active and do yoga regularly. I smoke cannabis anytime I can (usually once or twice a day) and almost never drink alcohol. I take a lot of herbal supplements, a multivitamin, and 6g of fish oil daily.
So my parents went out of town for a week, and left me alone in the house. The downer: my boyfriend also went out of town. He was going to be back before my parents, but I had around 4 days to kill. The first day was Saturday. I almost never get Saturdays off work so I decided to take full advantage of this one, knowing I'd be back at work Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I couldn't any weed. But rather than get discouraged, I decided to get creative.
A lot of times when my parents aren't around I'll eat a bunch of nutmeg. Not a very high dose, just enough to make me feel peaceful and lower my inhibitions a little. I had a pot of green tea on hand, too, one of my favorite 'drugs' if you will. I started my day early. I had an apple, I made mashed sweet potatoes with garlic (my favorite!! It makes my eyes feel awesome!), made some quinoa because I wanted to eat something I hadn't eaten in awhile. I was bored by myself reading about legal ways to get high, so I asked my friend to come over (she had to work later in the day) and suggested we check out local head shops' selection of legal herbs.
I had read about kratom on a list of legit legal highs, so when I saw that at the store, I nabbed some (Bali, 100% organic, powder form). I stayed away from the 30x cuz I'd read about people having a 'high' experience on just 15x. I got 15g and put about half in some yogurt. I also got a bottle of cheap red wine, because I hardly ever drink alcohol and I figured, why not (this is probably where I went wrong).
When we got back to my house, my friend wanted to take a nap before work, so she left. I figured I'd listen to music, write a few songs, play guitar, contemplate life...and if I was gonna do those things I might as well trip out as much as possible, too. I drank a little of the wine -- it tasted awful, way too sweet, but for $5 a bottle I wasn't expecting much. I put some tea in with it but I still couldn't stomach more than about a cup before I had to eat something (it had been a few hours since I last ate). I guess I felt slightly buzzed, it had been so long since I got drunk that it was hard to pinpoint the feeling. I put about half the kratom in yogurt because I was too lazy to make tea with it and I love yogurt (greek!) with bananas and peanut butter. It didn't taste bad, it was better than the nutmeg-yogurt mixture and if anything it tasted like what I imagine green tea would taste like if I ate it out of the teabag instead of brewing it.
At first I was hardly feeling any different so I figured I'd drink more wine because at least then I was guaranteed some kind of buzz...it honestly tasted so bad I had to plug my nose and mix it with every better-tasting thing I could think of. This should have been a warning of what would happen once it was in my body. At one point I washed the empty yogurt container and put it on the dish rack instead of putting it in the recycling bin... a few seconds later I couldn't figure out what had happened to it and was like, 'huh, I guess I must feel something...' but that was about it. So I kept drinking, even though it was 3 PM, I had literally no commitments that day and wanted to make the most of it.
Aside from impaired motor skills (i.e. I was really thirsty and every time I poured water from the pitcher to my cup I would spill it everywhere) I didn't notice anything. I was getting impatient but I had read the kratom can take a bit to set in. I remembered that I had a few responsibilities, like watering the plants, so I didn't want to get too messed up right away. Suddenly, though, I felt a surge of energy to read the instructions my dad left me, whereas before that surge I was thinking 'oh man, there's so much to do,' after it I was thinking 'there's barely anything to do!' I have read kratom produces euphoria and I was feeling pretty happy about ~20 minutes in so I decided to eat a little more of it, this time just in a spoon, followed by lots of water (I was still very very thirsty). I figured I'd lay out in the sun and listen to my iPod for a few minutes, cuz that always makes me feel good and I had new headphones I was excited about, and after that I'd do my chores.
At this point I'm definitely feeling a bit drunk. My body feels like it's moving really slowly. I feel like I need to burp but I don't burp, instead I just feel really horny. It occurs to me just how much I miss my boyfriend, and I realize I can write some really good songs today, especially if my inhibitions get even more lowered. I feel like if I had sex right now, it'd be better than ever.
About 40 minutes in...very giggly. Extremely horny. I feel extremely positive and happy about my life, a stark contrast to yesterday when I had a bad day at work and moped around all evening. I text my boyfriend that I've been drinking and I really miss him, and I fall over laughing at what I write even though it isn't particularly funny. My self esteem is very high, which makes me even happier since that's something I've always struggled with. Typing is difficult, but my errors make me laugh (e.g. I write 'decoded' instead of 'decided' and that seems hilarious). I have to pee and holding it feels like an orgasm, which happens to me once in a while. I remember the idea of not 'breaking the seal' from my heavy drinking days, so I hold it even longer.
I also struggle with self confidence when I sing. Even if I know a song by heart, I sometimes doubt myself actively while singing it, thinking ahead 'oh, I definitely can't hit the upcoming high note' but sometimes when I've been high in the past, I have hit the note. In this moment, drunk and happy, I totally know I can do anything and feel great about my musical skills as a singer, guitarist, and pianist.
For a second I felt like I could 'feel' my liver being upset with me, but the moment passed and the desire to feel even more amazing overcame the fear of damaging my body
the desire to feel even more amazing overcame the fear of damaging my body
(another point where I should've realized I was headed down a bad path). I figured I'd eat the rest of the kratom, knowing I'd be working the next few days and I might as well have a ton of fun today.
Before he left, my boyfriend and I had had a little bit of a rough patch. I had thought things like 'I wish he'd dump me, I wouldn't even care' but after the wine and kratom all I felt was excitement about our relationship, our compatibility, and the future. In that moment it seemed like a good idea to drink more and that my past bad experiences with drinking were probably more related to being in places I didn't want to be than to anything negative about alcohol. I am a person with high inhibitions and I was thinking that any way I could lower them is good, even if I'm dependent on chemicals. I figured no one would notice if I watered the plants drunk, so I ate more kratom and drank more wine. I was all in!!
I was extreeeemely thirsty. I probably drank about 2 liters of water/tea/wine in an hour. My stomach was full of liquid and yogurt and a whole bunch of probably incompatible things. I was so full of water I looked pregnant. I had been a little lonely before, but after, I felt excited to have the house to myself. I was thrilled that I didn't have to immediately do my dishes, I could leave my kratom out, etc. I was a little bit shaky, which often happens to me after too much caffeine, but I figured, whatever, and drank more tea with lemon as well. I was excited about the salad I'd made myself the day before, because my salads always make me feel great and I already felt awesome.
Soon I felt like I could 'feel' my heart the same way I had my liver. I could feel each drink of water going directly to my heart. I started to feel a bit nauseous but I figured it had more to do with how much water I'd drank and thought once I peed I'd feel better. One thing though: every burp felt amazing.
I am now writing in the moment (about 40 min after ingestion). I have not yet peed. I really want to have sex with my boyfriend and cannot wait til he gets back in town. I feel truly in love with him and excited to spend every night together forever. Euphoria, I suppose. I get really excited at the idea that I could drink wine and eat kratom with him every night if we wanted to, plus smoking weed! I forget about my craving for weed cuz I feel so happy. The wine is really kicking in. I feel like I have all the skills to be a professional singer, I have an amazing boyfriend, and I have all this time away from my parents. A total 180 from this morning when I was feeling sad and lonely. I decide to masturbate. I also feel like working out, but I know better than to bike drunk and I've fallen off the treadmill before so I just kinda run around my house and do jumping jacks. My cat gives me a weird look. I engage my glutes to help hold my pee -- it feels great!! I finally pee and have only positive thoughts when I see myself in the mirror. Yay! I remember that I can do yoga at any time as a 'work out' and this makes me happy. Sometimes when I'm sober I know I should do yoga but I can't summon the energy. Today, I totally have the energy and I'm so grateful for yoga as a way to exert it!
Also, re: singing, a lot of times I'll strain my vocal cords to hit high notes even though I know I shouldn't. Today, I feel like I couldn't strain if I tried, everything feels effortless.
I try to pick up the kratom bag and accidentally pick it up upside down. I spill the last of it on the floor but I suck it up with a straw (in my drunken state of mind this seems like a good idea). I also suck in a lot of air without meaning to. Music is amazing to me. When my playlist ends, I feel so excited at the thought of putting music back on.
I feel a bit more nauseous after the floor sucking incident so I eat more of the banana, thinking that might help. The music is off now cuz all the stimulation was overwhelming. I tell myself when the nausea calms I'll go outside. I wish I had some weed again, it always soothes my stomach. I lie down on my couch on my left side, which I've heard eases digestion. I still feel a bit ill when I get up. I hadn't planned on eating all the kratom, which may be why I feel sick, but I also never drink alcohol so it may be that my body's unused to it. I got the hiccups but I was able to tame them. Banana wasn't the right choice.
I threw up. Felt a bit better but still nauseous. At this point I know I've had enough. I shouldn't have eaten what fell on the floor and I should've stopped with the wine ages ago -- suddenly my head is pounding and I remember why I don't drink much.
suddenly my head is pounding and I remember why I don't drink much.
It seems that a bit of alcohol and a bit of kratom are good, too much of either--especially together-- is bad. I allowed my excitement to get in the way of my better judgment. I want to eat my salad but I can't bring myself to chew or swallow it so I put it away. I remember why weed is always my drug of choice. I put music back on but it makes me feel sick. I can tell another puke would be beneficial, and I make it to the toilet just in time. I spend about 20 minutes praying to the porcelain God with only a little luck until suddenly, bam, it's like everything I've ever eaten is coming back up. While I was sitting on the floor leaning on the toilet, I felt peaceful. I had a little fear in the back of my mind that my neighbor could hear me retching since I had the window open and he was in his yard doing yardwork. It seemed like the timing of his turning the lawnmower on and off was in synch with my puking.
Afterwards I feel relieved just to feel normal again. I have a new appreciation for the feeling of not being nauseous. I vow not to drink more than a glass of wine ever again, and as for kratom, I'm done. No way Jose, I'll stick to weed and if I can't have that, I'll survive.
The normality doesn't last. The puke feeling is back (about 2 hours after ingestion). Fuck 5$ wine.
The rest of this is written the next day:
I spend from about 4:00 (1 hour or so after ingestion) to 10:00, when I go to bed, in a state of never-ending nausea. Twice I take a shower to feel better, and it calms me down for a second but I can't stay standing up so I have to just sit on the bench in the shower holding my head in my hands trying not to vomit. After both showers I puke again, and both times I try to make it upstairs but end up collapsing naked onto the nearest couch and closing my eyes.
My thoughts are racing, and my heart is pounding. I think about how mice have really fast heart rates. I remember being afraid that my heart was using up all its remaining heartbeats on this one day and that I was going to die, or never be able to eat again. I cant remember my thoughts right after they happen, and I'm thinking in sentences that don't make sense. I try to make something of the words crossing my mind but they never slow down to let me think about them. All I can focus on is the way my body feels. I think about how I was trying to 'escape' from myself and this is my body showing me that that's impossible, I will always be myself. The feeling that I'm dying reminds me how much I want to live. I have thoughts like, I'm going to die naked on this couch and my parents will come home and find me like that. Every time I try to drink a glass of water I have what I'll call 'heart burps' where the sound is more in my chest than my mouth, gurgling, burpy noises, especially when I lie down (which is basically all I'm able to do at this point). My cats keep looking at me like I'm dying, and Zoe (who is more my cat, the others like my parents better) snuggles with me everytime I lay down and I feel like her healing energy is saving my life and her wanting me to stay alive is keeping me conscious. I whimper involuntarily and it makes her snuggle me closer and I'm very thankful for her and start to think how I should spend more time with her, she's such a loyal friend.
I'm afraid to fall asleep, having read about people choking on their vomit, but I drift in and out all day. 40 minutes will pass with me laying down and it feels like only a minute. Some part of me likes the fact that I am finding peace without external stimulation, that just lying down is enough to have fun. At around 8:00 I decide I better call off work tomorrow since I've thrown up everything I ate since about 1 (the only things that seem to have gone all the way through were the sweet potato and quinoa from breakfast). I'm coherent on the phone but in my head, the racing of my heart is louder than the words leaving my mouth and I keep wondering if the person on the other end can hear my heartbeat.
I haven't attempted to eat--I had one bite of apple but as soon as I smelled it I could tell it wasn't going to stay down. My throw up is pure water now. I keep drinking water even though it's making me puke because I can tell I'm better off emptying my stomach than digesting the awfulness that's in it. I continually have 'hot flashes' that rush to my head and feet and hands and leave me in a relieving cold sweat afterwards and usually find me puking again. I think the alcohol, which I drank on an empty stomach, probably irritated my stomach and then filling it with that unfamiliar powder was too much for it to take. I felt like my entire insides wanted out everytime I barfed. I could hardly make noise. I had to focus to breathe properly, and I couldn't hold deep breaths.
I drank a little hot water before I fell asleep and put a trash can next to my bed which i thankfully didn't end up using. I woke up a few times and each time I would forget about the awful experience of the day before until I tried to move even an inch at which point nausea returned. My sleep was extremely peaceful and very easy to come by, though. Oftentimes I have trouble falling asleep, not so today. Sleep worked as an escape from the feeling and I didn't puke again.
In the morning (about 7am, after 9 hours of blissful sleep) my throat felt on fire. I knew part of it was because I was extremely dehydrated--I usually drink like 4 liters of water a day. It felt like I'd smoked 20 cigarettes, and I had this fear I'd never sing properly again. Even now (about 24 hours later) I am lacking the breath support and vocal tone I had before the experience, but hopefully it will return. 'Straining' my voice is impossible, it leads to pain in my chest which I can't tell if it's my lungs or just related to all the heaving.
I was able to get outside and water the plants and feed my cats and do a few other things that I was supposed to have done the day before. I felt weak, carrying the watering cans felt like lifting a 100 lb dumbbell. After that I decided to attempt food. We didn't have any liquid calories, no milk, no juice, only gatorade which after reading the label and noticing it was just water, sugar, and colors, did not seem appealing at all. So I ate quinoa with some salt and when it seemed okay I ate another bowl. I decided to play guitar for a few minutes but the music just wasn't in me. I went upstairs to water the plants in my room but instead was overcome with the desire to lay down again. I had more 'heart burps' but I kept the food down and fell asleep for another hour or two.
When I woke up, my vision was blurry, even after I repeatedly rubbed my eyes, especially in my left eye. I had been sleeping on my left so I hoped it was just from being smushed into the pillow and not some permanent damage I'd done. I thought it might have been from staring at the computer, I usually avoid spending too much time looking at screens since it hurts my eyes. I couldn't find any eye drops so I decided to just hope it went away once i ate some vitamin A. I hadn't brushed my teeth since the morning before the incident but I was afraid the toothpaste taste would make me feel nauseous so I didn't bother. By this point I was able to hold down water and felt less dead now that the food had gone through. I had a lot of mucus and kept imagining the awful taste of the wine. My insides ached.
I laid down on the couch and petted one of my cats for about 10 minutes before deciding to drink some more water and eat again. I made a sandwich (whole grain toast with butter, organic turkey breast, provolone cheese, mustard, spinach, and cucumber...my favorite!) and ate it. It tasted great and my stomach didn't complain at all, even though I had read online that after throwing up sometimes the body isn't ready to accept fats for awhile. My vision is still blurry.
I would really like to smoke weed but I'm done trying to replicate its effects with legal drugs....I have never had a reaction even close to what I experienced yesterday from smoking weed (Though I did once drink a large coffee, then smoked weed and threw it all up, I consider that a good thing since it probably saved me from a day of caffeine jitters and tweaking out). I think the alcohol is more to blame for my nausea, and the kratom could have been a positive experience if I'd eaten less of it and hadn't drank, too (the label on the bag said not to combine with alcohol).
Yesterday my heart was racing all day, probably a combo of the caffeine in all the tea I drank and the stimulating effects of kratom again. In hindsight, it seems like I should have brewed tea instead of eating it straight, and like if I would've taken a smaller dose, say 4g instead of 15, I would've been able to have a few mildly pleasant experiences. My desire to have one crazy trippy experience instead pushed me past my breaking point and left me weak and grateful just to be alive and functional. In a way I suppose that's a spiritual transition of the kind I wanted-- my experience gave me a new appreciation for everyday life, it just had a really painful way of showing me how nice it is to be able to be standing up and not puke.
If I experiment with kratom again (or alcohol for that matter) I definitely won't test my limits, and I won't get impatient if I don't see results in an hour. There was definitely a point early on where I felt mildly euphoric, felt a lot of love towards my boyfriend, and most definitely should've stopped searching for more of a buzz. I may attempt to reach that point again in the future, as I could see there was a positive side that I didn't get to explore due to my wanting too much, too soon. I learned that kratom is not something to mess around with, especially given my sensitivity to stimulants. In the future, I'll stick with weed, and if I can't get my hands on any, I'll make sure that whatever drug I turn to, I don't overdo it. The earth is full of mysterious items for us to spend our lives exploring, but I know now the importance of caution and moderation, and that if I ignore my body's signals, it will never end well.
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