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In the Beginning I AM
by Telensu
Citation:   Telensu. "In the Beginning I AM: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp98301)". May 2, 2021.

3 g oral Mushrooms (ground / crushed)


Over the last few years I went through a series of misfortunes, in which I lost many things, damaged many relationships, and encountered unlovely circumstances and people along the way. In a short time, life became a downward spiral, which left me with many questions about who I am, how the world works, and how God fits into all this. For answers, I began reading many spiritual books, and though much of what I read resonated with me, there remained a deep need for an experience of the things I was reading. To know for myself what is true, what is real, and how to go about getting my life back on track.

Trying to apply meditation techniques from a normal waking state, like closing my eyes, sitting still, and clearing my mind were only helping me to go back to sleep, though I admit it only means I have not yet mastered these techniques. At present, they were not aiding me in my search for answers. But after reading the experiences of those who were under the influence of entheogens, I felt that the use of certain plants would help me on my spiritual journey.

After preparing for my trip with a sitter, I shredded 3 grams of mushrooms, stirred them within a cup of cool, sweet tea, and took small sips for the next minute or so until the cup was empty. Sitter put on a 30 minute repeatable song called 'Shamanic Dream', by Anugama. I lay on the sofa, closed my eyes, and became motionless. The music could be heard coming from behind me to the left, consisting of drums, flute, synth pads, and male chanting in the background.

After about 20 minutes, I began to feel the initial effects of the mushrooms, which included rapid heartbeat, heightened physical sensations, and some closed-eye visuals. I slowly began losing the feeling of having a body, but still conscious of being aware. Mind chatter ceased.

After about 10 minutes, my first breakthrough experience occurred. Influenced by the rhythm of the music, my consciousness shifted, and I was gracefully submerged into what I can only describe as nothingness. No geometric patterns or other visuals, just empty blackness, but I knew it to be nothing, not dark, just nothing. Within the nothingness there was a sense of equilibrium. I wasn't conscious of feeling safe, but neither was I conscious of feeling threatened. I wasn't conscious of feeling good, but neither was I conscious of feeling bad. I was simply aware...witnessing, and despite the fact there were no visuals, I felt it to be a place of perfection. At the same time, the music took on a surround sound effect, coming from all directions, even from within me, with such a profound clarity that I could hear the articulations of each instrument and voice. This particular experience of being submerged into nothingness lasted about 10 seconds.

Afterwards, I emerged at semi-normal consciousness, meaning I was more aware of my body, though I remained motionless with eyes closed. At this state, I felt myself slowly ascending upward, not away from my body into the sky, but ascending deeper within myself, to the center of my head. I was faintly aware of my rapid heartbeat, but by remaining physically still, I could not feel my body at all, and therefore I could not fully identify with it. As I ascended, I felt as if I was going behind the scenes of how the world came into being, sort of like seeing all the lights, colors and activities of the world on a stage, and slowly moving into the darkness behind the stage. This ascension experience lasted for several minutes.

Then, my second breakthrough occurred. Much like the previous experience, I was submerged into nothingness for about 10 seconds. The entire journey was an alternating process of submersion into nothingness, followed by ascending higher within myself, followed by submersion, followed by a yet higher ascension, and it seemed that each submersion was more profound than the last. During each experience in the nothingness, I couldn't help but think, 'This is so familiar...', and 'I've been here before...', though I've never had a breakthrough experience with entheogens before, nor can I recall any dreams of such an experience.

By the fifth time I was submerged into the nothingness, I realized that I was at the very beginning of time. And the only thing that can accurately describe the moment is Genesis 1:1, which says, 'In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,' but in my experience it was only the first part, 'In the beginning...', and there I was, conscious of being there in the beginning. No one else, just me. Nothing else existed, no heavens, no earth, no light, no body, no other... Just nothingness, and I was conscious in that nothingness. I was consciousness aware of itself.

It was at that point I realized 'I' was the Nothingness, and it was this Nothingness that is the Source of all that existed. In other words, 'In the beginning, I AM.' And this I AM, is the real me, that I am Source, that I am God.

This feeling of being at the beginning of time was a present, contemporary experience.
This feeling of being at the beginning of time was a present, contemporary experience.
In other words, in my experience, the world wasn't created thousands or millions of years ago, but just now, and within the confines of time and space, it only appears to have occurred so long ago. And the Nothingness is still there now, intelligently pulling all the strings on the world stage. And there is no beginning or origin of this Nothingness, it just IS, and always has been.

When I came out of the experience, I began crying to tears, saying out loud, 'It's been me the whole time, and all it ever was, was me and only me.' My sitter didn't say anything, but gave me some tissue to keep me from getting snot on the sofa.

The trip as a whole was a very graceful and enlightening, and I really appreciate my sitter's support as it made me comfortable to fully immerse myself in the experience. I still have some questions about life, some of which were asked by my sitter as a challenge to my convictions, but for the longest time I wanted to know, 'Who am I,' and I feel this particular experience, of being in the beginning, is the perfect starting point for greater revelations.

Exp Year: 2012ExpID: 98301
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 33 
Published: May 2, 2021Views: 182
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Mushrooms (39) : Guides / Sitters (39), Mystical Experiences (9), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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